Callow, Cinquain Written 2003 Options

[AMETHYST]

Callow
intentions born
of a boy; insipid
but rather a ballast of our
'morrow

[Eisa]

Callow
intentions born
of a boy; insipid
but rather a ballast of our
'morrow

Hi Liz -- this is just a quick call, but I'll be back.

I love the message of this one --it's well written too. Only thought I had was -- it's a shame you had to shorten tomorrow. Can't think of an alternative though.

Snow

[AMETHYST]

Hey Snow ...

Thanks for the feeback. This was an oldie ... I remember thinking that same thought about tomorrow back on my original presentation of it ... I don't know what it needs, but there is something scratching at my unconscious ... saying something is not right... I just can't see it yet.

If you think of something that stands out for you... Please let me know.

Hugs, Liz

Callow
intentions born
of a boy; insipid
but rather a ballast of our
'morrow

Hi Liz -- this is just a quick call, but I'll be back.

I love the message of this one --it's well written too. Only thought I had was -- it's a shame you had to shorten tomorrow. Can't think of an alternative though.

Snow

[laryalee]

Hi Liz,
I'm afraid that I'm not quite catching
your full meaning...I have trouble with the
grammar in lines 3 and 4?
When one uses "but rather", I expect it to follow
some kind of choice...I don't know how to explain it...
Sort of like neither/nor?

From the impression that I get (which may be
way off base!), this is what I see: (not for the
words, just the meaning)

"he is not weak but rather a ballast of our future"

But that doesn't seem to be what you're saying,
so I'm scratching my head!
(mind you, "future" might work for line 5?)

And one more grammar thought (old proofreader here!)...
should it be "borne"?
I found a link:

http://www.sparknotes.com/writing/style/topic_30.html


Cinquains are rather fun...I haven't written any in
a long time!


Lary

[Eisa]

Callow
intentions born
of a boy; insipid
but rather a ballast of our
'morrow

Hi Liz -- I've got back to this and read it a few times. I think your message does not come across clearly in this one ... also 'born of a boy' sounds a bit awkward (might be me) 'Future' as Lary suggested would be a good alternative for the last line.

I hope this might help you revise.

Hugs Snow

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Liz.

I admit I too am confused by L3 & 4: Are you conveying this: inexperienced intentions of youth are wishy-washy that counterbalance our tomorrows? I need a little clarity - if I am to take this from it then I've suggested an alternate below. The one thing that Dave mentioned in my Cinquain trio from February was that they are supposed to be written in iambic meter? I never came across that param, have you? The Cinquain is of syllablic verse containing five lines of two, four, six, eight, and two syllables, respectively, with a total syllabic count of 22. It should have no more than two full sentences. The Handbook of Poetic Forms suggests: build toward a climax and put a surprise into your last two lines. Rather than parts of speech, be concerned with thoughts and images.

Callow
intentions born
of a boy; insipid
but rather a ballast of our
'morrow

If I understand your meaning, I've tweaked as follows;

Callow
intentions borne
out of childish mischief;
a ballast of adulterous
prospects.

Am I on the right track here?

Cheers
~Cleo

[AMETHYST]

Hi Lary,

I am glad you came by. I knew something scratched at my mind, but I suppose it not making sense to someone else wasn't something I havd thought of ... LOL -

Hi Liz,
I'm afraid that I'm not quite catching
your full meaning...I have trouble with the
grammar in lines 3 and 4?
When one uses "but rather", I expect it to follow
some kind of choice...I don't know how to explain it...
Sort of like neither/nor?

I believe I was going for ' you may see this young boy as weak and passioless, wet behind the ears - while using 'but rather' I wanted to imply he has a choice- he can grow to a leader, our security ... for the future, or he can become a burden (which ballast can be seen as both.)

However, my long ago intent doesn't seem to come through for me after years of sitting ... so then it would not for my readers. This needs reworking.

From the impression that I get (which may be
way off base!), this is what I see: (not for the
words, just the meaning)

"he is not weak but rather a ballast of our future"

Thank you for 'future' works perfectly. I think when I first wrote that I was reaching for poetics and not clarity. I guess I might have grown in my poetic endeavors and goals these days!

But that doesn't seem to be what you're saying,
so I'm scratching my head!
(mind you, "future" might work for line 5?)

And one more grammar thought (old proofreader here!)...
should it be "borne"?
I found a link:

http://www.sparknotes.com/writing/style/topic_30.html

I will check out these links and I thank you. What I meant was born into the world. But see a more interesting use of borne. I will be making some changes to this soon.


Cinquains are rather fun...I haven't written any in
a long time!

I haven't either and I use to 'play with them all the time. Unfortunately, I used them without really putting much throught into what I would write... more of a play thing to inspire bigger thoughts. After making more considerations on Haiku, I think I will also start writing a few cinquains more seriously. thank you for that


Lary

Big Hugs and thank you Lary for your help ... Liz

[AMETHYST]

Callow
intentions born
of a boy; insipid
but rather a ballast of our
'morrow

Hi Liz -- I've got back to this and read it a few times. I think your message does not come across clearly in this one ... also 'born of a boy' sounds a bit awkward (might be me) 'Future' as Lary suggested would be a good alternative for the last line.


Hi Snow,

Thank you so much for your return. Yes...I think the reason that the message comes through unclear is that I was in my lost in poetic word choice phase back then! LOL I agree, future helps me to get this back into a direction I need to go ...

callow (dull, wet behind the ears sort of, passionless)
intentions, born (what I wanted was to draw on both the dullness of his intentions and the insipid ways of a boy who still has much to learn and grow ... but seeing him as his intentions and in all his undeveloped sense, gives him choices to become an authority or leader in our future or a burden ... slightly implied.

I need to redo this, I enjoyed taking it out of the closet though and relooking it over.

Thank you for your feedback back and I hope I get it a bit more polished.

Hugs, Liz



I hope this might help you revise.

Hugs Snow

[AMETHYST]

Hi Liz.

I admit I too am confused by L3 & 4: Are you conveying this: inexperienced intentions of youth are wishy-washy that counterbalance our tomorrows? I need a little clarity - if I am to take this from it then I've suggested an alternate below. The one thing that Dave mentioned in my Cinquain trio from February was that they are supposed to be written in iambic meter? I never came across that param, have you? The Cinquain is of syllablic verse containing five lines of two, four, six, eight, and two syllables, respectively, with a total syllabic count of 22. It should have no more than two full sentences. The Handbook of Poetic Forms suggests: build toward a climax and put a surprise into your last two lines. Rather than parts of speech, be concerned with thoughts and images.

Hi Lori, I just hit the send and lost it all. So let me try to remember what I wrote...First here is a link on the creator and her intentions. Iambic meter is not a requirement, however - stressed syllables are important and imagery for each line. I don't ever remember it being expected of 2 full sentences, however I do remember it being quite important that each line make sense on the whole, while being about to be a complete sentence on its own. Yes... the main point of Adelaid Crapsey expected was imagery and thoughts like you mention.

Amaze-Cinquain Journal

Callow
intentions born
of a boy; insipid
but rather a ballast of our
'morrow

If I understand your meaning, I've tweaked as follows;

Callow
intentions borne
out of childish mischief;
a ballast of adulterous
prospects.

Am I on the right track here?

Cheers
~Cleo

Your suggested meaning for this is absolutely perfect... my original intention was just that, but when I had stumbled on the word ballast and found the two opposing definitions, I thought it would work to show the unsurity of his mischievous nature. But Yes ... you are right on track.

Hugs, Liz ...

I believe I will revise with these thoughts in mind!

[Guest_Kathy_*]

I've just been reading about cinquain; occording to this, it should be in iambs. ??

http://www.worldhaikureview.org/2-1/whcsho...nworkshop.shtml

[Cleo_Serapis]

Whoa - thanks Kathy - I just copied off this part from that link:

five lines of accentual-syllabic verse, in which the lines comprise, in order, 1, 2, 3, 4, and 1 stresses.

So - iambs it must be, LOL!

Thanks bunches!
~Cleo

[AMETHYST]

I've just been reading about cinquain; occording to this, it should be in iambs. ??

http://www.worldhaikureview.org/2-1/whcsho...nworkshop.shtml

Hi Kathy,

I am going to make some changes to this. Big Hugs, Liz

[AMETHYST]

Hey Lori,

If you don't mind I will making revision to this, making use of some of your wise word choices...

Thanks for finding the gem in the gleam...

Hugs, liz

[4rum]

I would offer voyage or journey in the place of 'morrow. Personally I prefer'morrow.

Sam