Hymn of Comfort (was I Sense her Still) Few edits ***, Sonnet Options

[Eisa]

Still experimenting with word choice here.

Hymn of Comfort

Though countless years have lapsed, I still perceive
your sparkle through September brume. If wilting
I'm replenished, when I catch your lilting
voice and feather-touch upon my sleeve.

Refreshing, like a west-wind through the yews
in dog days heat, your peony perfume
revitalizes, wafting round my room.
When tossed in sleepless waves, all thoughts askew,

I hear familiar strains of Calon Lan,
then drift into a soporific cave,
discovering the tranquil pool I crave.
As timbres linger, threads begin to darn

the frayed perimeters of life's debris,
repair my yearning for your company.



This is just an experiment as I was wondering if I replaced 'her' with 'you' it might become more direct.

Hymn of Comfort

As countless years elapse, I still perceive
your aura's glow within the mist. If wilting
I'm replenished, succoured by your lilting
voice and feather-touch upon my sleeve.

Refreshing like a zephyr through the yews
in dog days heat, your hyacinth perfume
enlivens as it wafts across my room.
When tossed in sleepless waves, all thoughts askew,

I catch familiar strains of Calon Lan;*
consoled I drift into a slumberous cave,
discovering the tranquil pool I crave.
As timbres linger, threads begin to darn

the frayed perimeters of life's debris,
repair my yearning for your company.

-----------------------------------------------

Glint changed to glow

--------------------------------------------

Hymn of Comfort (was I Sense Her Still)

As countless years elapse, I still perceive
her aura's glint within the mist. If wilting
I'm replenished, succoured by her lilting
voice and feather-touch upon my sleeve.

Refreshing like a zephyr through the yews
in dog days heat, her hyacinth perfume
enlivens as it wafts across my room.
When tossed in sleepless waves, all thoughts askew,

I catch familiar strains of Calon Lan;*
consoled I drift into a slumberous cave,
discovering the tranquil pool I crave.
As timbres linger, threads begin to darn

the frayed perimeters of life's debris,
repair my yearning for her company.

------------------------------------------

Few edits:
L1 was 'umpteen years'
L2 was 'among the mist'

St2 L2 was 'bergamot perfume'

St3 last line - comma added after linger

------------------------------------------------

JUST ADDED A LINK TO THE SONG
*Calon Lan sung here by Cerys Matthews
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9YFGM8LXRPM
My mother used to sing this to me as a child (& my grandmother too) and also sang it to my children It brings back memories.

[Luce]

WOW!!! Where is everyone in the forum? Is there an asteroid coming our way and no one shot us an e-mail?

Oh well, I'm here. Sidelined by a minor injury. Lucky you.

I'll get back to your lovely sonnet Eira as soon as I make myself a late breakfast. Gotta have some decaf or I'll die.

Luce

[Luce]

Beautiful sonnet Eira. It's full of images helped along with generous portions of metaphor, rhyme, simile and meter. I doubt if I can add to it since it is darn near perfect. You could of easily been trapped in your end rhymes but you weren't.

I hope you do change the title though. It does kind of "give the store away". Maybe just give a first name of a person and that's all. A few other minor suggestions/comments:

I Sense Her Still (am looking to change the title)

Yep. Another title methinks.

As umpteen years elapse, I still perceive
her aura's glint among the mist. If wilting
I'm replenished, succoured by her lilting
voice and feather-touch upon my sleeve.

Maybe put the actual number of years instead of saying "umpteen". Whenever I hear someone say "umpteen" years/times, it is usually with a note of irritation.

Do you really perceive a glint "among" the mist or is it "within the mist?

According to my spell check (American) succoured is spelled succored.

Refreshing like a zephyr through the yews
in dog days heat, her bergamot perfume
enlivens as it wafts across my room.
When tossed in sleepless waves, all thoughts askew,

Love the stanza and how you linked the breeze, heat, perfume, the room and all the other actions together.

I catch familiar strains of Calon Lan;*
consoled I drift into a slumberous cave,
discovering the tranquil pool I crave.
As timbres linger threads begin to darn

the frayed perimeters of life's debris,
repair my yearning for her company.

Again, I liked the link of the various images. For a second I was wondering how you were going to link "slumberous cave" but you did it brilliantly.

*Calon Lan sung here by Cerys Matthews
My mother used to sing this to me as a child (& my grandmother too) and also sang it to my children It brings back memories.
[/quote]

WOW!!! Great example of a sonnet for me. It's very classic in tone and structure but not distant in emotion and the imagery is crisp.

[Eisa]

Hi Luce,

thanks for the lovely things you said. I've been writing this since before Xmas and made many changes to get here. I'm still thinking on the title. I wrote it about my mother, so perhaps I will include her name.

Yes, the umpteen years could be improved. I am thinking on this at the moment as I'd prefer to change it to something that gives the impression of time passing rather than be specific about how many years.

I agree about 'within the mist' in L2 - wondered why it didn't sound quite right. within also sounds nice with glint, mist & wilting.

Just checked the spelling for succour and it is the British variant of succor. British spellings often cause problems!

I don't seem to write so much in R&M these days, but feel at home when I do.

Eira

[Eisa]

WOW!!! Where is everyone in the forum? Is there an asteroid coming our way and no one shot us an e-mail?

Oh well, I'm here. Sidelined by a minor injury. Lucky you.

I'll get back to your lovely sonnet Eira as soon as I make myself a late breakfast. Gotta have some decaf or I'll die.

Luce

Yes it is quiet. they might be playing in Karnok's (education forum)

Hope you are ok - you mention an injury.

Eira

[Psyche]

Hello Eisa and Happy Birthday once again!

This is a beautiful sonnet with great imagery, word usage and profound content.
Sad but nonetheless uplifting at the end. Not much to crit. I seem to coincide with Luce's suggestions.

I Sense Her Still (am looking to change the title)


Yes, it needs a title worthy of your sonnet.
This title already expresses your feelings, it gets in the way, sort of.


As umpteen years elapse, I still perceive <<<<Umpteen isn't an attractive term. Even countless sounds better, but perhaps a metaphor would fit well. I'll think a bit...

her aura's glint among the mist. If wilting
I'm replenished, succoured by her lilting <<<<<yes, the British spelling is correct!
voice and feather-touch upon my sleeve.

And what a stunning stanza this one is. I love it.

Refreshing like a zephyr through the yews
in dog days heat, her bergamot perfume <<<<< Just me, but large bergamots are so plentiful in my country, that the word is even used in a derrogatory sense!
enlivens as it wafts across my room.
When tossed in sleepless waves, all thoughts askew,

This stanza is also lovely. Some poets might crit the near-rhymes you've used, but that's something I nearly always do. Perfect end rhymes offer less freedom of expression. Kudos to you!!

I catch familiar strains of Calon Lan;*<<<must search in UTube!!
consoled I drift into a slumberous cave,
discovering the tranquil pool I crave.
As timbres linger threads begin to darn<<<<<<can a comma follow linger? I'm supposing you've used timbres as musical tones from the above song.

the frayed perimeters of life's debris,
repair my yearning for her company.

I absolutely love the last stanza, especially the finale.
Wow...You've returned in full form, Eira. I shall come back to read it just for pleasure, I think it will help me also when I miss loved ones. The twist at the end, the repairing, gives it just the right touch to evade gloominess.
Tx so much for sharing.
Syl***


*Calon Lan sung here by Cerys Matthews
My mother used to sing this to me as a child (& my grandmother too) and also sang it to my children It brings back memories.

[Eisa]

Hello Eisa and Happy Birthday once again!

This is a beautiful sonnet with great imagery, word usage and profound content.
Sad but nonetheless uplifting at the end. Not much to crit. I seem to coincide with Luce's suggestions.

I Sense Her Still (am looking to change the title)


Yes, it needs a title worthy of your sonnet.
This title already expresses your feelings, it gets in the way, sort of.


Yes, I have retitled it now. Hope it's more suitable.

As umpteen years elapse, I still perceive <<<<Umpteen isn't an attractive term. Even countless sounds better, but perhaps a metaphor would fit well. I'll think a bit...

I like countless. I've tried a metaphor but couldn't get it to fit well with the meter. can always come back if I think of something else

her aura's glint among the mist. If wilting
I'm replenished, succoured by her lilting <<<<<yes, the British spelling is correct!
voice and feather-touch upon my sleeve.

And what a stunning stanza this one is. I love it.

Refreshing like a zephyr through the yews
in dog days heat, her bergamot perfume <<<<< Just me, but large bergamots are so plentiful in my country, that the word is even used in a derrogatory sense!
enlivens as it wafts across my room.
When tossed in sleepless waves, all thoughts askew,

I'm glad you pointed that out about Bergamots, I had no idea.

This stanza is also lovely. Some poets might crit the near-rhymes you've used, but that's something I nearly always do. Perfect end rhymes offer less freedom of expression. Kudos to you!!

Well some editors prefer near rhymes these days for the very reason you have said

I catch familiar strains of Calon Lan;*<<<must search in UTube!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9YFGM8LXRPM

consoled I drift into a slumberous cave,
discovering the tranquil pool I crave.
As timbres linger threads begin to darn<<<<<<can a comma follow linger? I'm supposing you've used timbres as musical tones from the above song.


Yes, I've added a comma
the frayed perimeters of life's debris,
repair my yearning for her company.

I absolutely love the last stanza, especially the finale.
Wow...You've returned in full form, Eira. I shall come back to read it just for pleasure, I think it will help me also when I miss loved ones. The twist at the end, the repairing, gives it just the right touch to evade gloominess.
Tx so much for sharing.
Syl***

My mother died 4 days before Xmas 10 years ago and thinking of her inspired me to write this. I hope she gives me more inspiration. I'm glad that reading it might help you when you remember loved ones too.

Hugs
Eira


*Calon Lan sung here by Cerys Matthews
My mother used to sing this to me as a child (& my grandmother too) and also sang it to my children It brings back memories.

[Luce]

Nice revision Eira even though it was pert near perfect in my book.

Luce

[Eisa]

Nice revision Eira even though it was pert near perfect in my book.

Luce

Thanks Luce!

Eira

[Psyche]

Here I am, Eira. As I said, this poem truly helps me when I'm sad about lossed loved ones.
Fact is, three anniversaries fall during or just after the festivities. Four, if I count my Dad's passing on January 18th.
Got over these hurdles now. My two grandsons visited with their girlfriends, not all together! The eldest is here now. His girl Yesi is very sweet. She treats me with great affection.

Thanks so much for the link to Calon Lan, sung by Cerys Matthews. I find it so soothing even tho' I don't understand Welsh. No wonder it was sung thru' the generations to the children in your family. I shared it on FB.

But I found an all-boy chorus with subtitles in English!

Your poem is absolutely lovely now. Glad I helped a little. Luce pitched in with good suggestions.

Hope you continue to be inspired with such beautiful thoughts.
Hugs, Syl***

[Eisa]

I've been experimenting with this one

Eira

[JustDaniel]

Greetings, Eira...

Sorry I've not weighed in on this before. I really love this one, and the revision makes it even more powerful, in my view. I do, however, prefer your previous title as more directional toward your message, with of course the revision to "I Sense You Still".

I am still pondering your choice of the word "perimeter," since the similar word "parameter" may be more appropriate, depending on your emphasis. As someone has said, "The parameters of playing hide-and-seek are not peeking while you count, and to stay within the perimeter of the yard when you hide."

deLighting in your communication, Daniel

[Eisa]

Greetings, Eira...

Sorry I've not weighed in on this before. I really love this one, and the revision makes it even more powerful, in my view. I do, however, prefer your previous title as more directional toward your message, with of course the revision to "I Sense You Still".

I am still pondering your choice of the word "perimeter," since the similar word "parameter" may be more appropriate, depending on your emphasis. As someone has said, "The parameters of playing hide-and-seek are not peeking while you count, and to stay within the perimeter of the yard when you hide."

deLighting in your communication, Daniel

Hello Daniel,

It's lovely to hear from you and to ponder on your thoughts on this.

The new title is not written in stone and I will certainly consider what you have said about your preference.
Also, I am considering a new word 'parameters' I had not thought of that one.

So good to hear from you.
Eira

[Larry]

Hi Eira,

You have done a beautiful job with your edits but being a real "nit picker" when it comes to sonnets, I have a couple to share.

In your envelope sonnet, I see you have used feminine endings in S1/L2 and L3. Just lose the "I'm" contraction in L3 and make it "I am" to correct the beat differential.

Also in L2, you have used "glint" to describe aura. I feel that to be a bit harsh because it sound like the sun shining off some metallic object instead of using something soft like "your aura's glow".

All this after numerous "reads" and that is the best I can do as far as suggestions. This tells me you have done an excellent bunch of revisions. What a lovely ode to your mother.

Larry

[Psyche]

I'm back again, Eira. I really love your sonnet and just now I listened to Calon Lan again. So soothing...

I confess I returned because I saw Larry's nits...LOL. Good suggestion about using "aura's glow". Much softer than glint. I learn such a lot from Larry. I suppose I'll eventually dare to post some of my own sonnets.

It's really a lovely piece, Eira. Still brings tears to my eyes.

Hugs, Syl

[Eisa]

Hi Larry,

My apologies for this late reply. I have computer problems and hay fever which leaves my eyes feeling so tired by the night. (which is when I tend to use my computer)

Anyway, It's great to have some ideas from you. I think a change to 'glow' would be a good idea.

Thanks!
Eira

[Eisa]

Thanks for returning Syl. Calon Lan is a beautiful hymn - I love it!

Yes I'm going with Larry's suggestion

Eira

[Psyche]

Love this sonnet, Eira. The few edits have made it perfect, IMHO. I can relate to it in many ways...I get quite emotional reading it, then I go straight to listen to Calon Lan sung by Cerys Matthews.

I've been absent for a while, but I finally decided to buy a new computer. Just received my own pension, which together with Carlos's is quite enough for my fairly simple needs.
And both came together with the mid-year bonus! I'll be paying for the computer in 12 monthly quotas. Happy about that, too.

And I really enjoy the new computer, it's so fast...wow.

I hope you're well and that the heat-wave is over. To tell the truth, 30°C is not high in Argentina, but you're not used to that in Britain.

As for our Winter, we've had quite a lot of snow. At this moment we've 0°C and it's been snowing softly since midday. So pretty. When the sun comes out, we get about -8°C or thereabouts. Everything's frosted.

Hoping to see a new topic from you!

Hugs, Syl