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Afterlife * tweaked 2X, S/Q Sonnet from August |
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Sep 26 13, 21:33
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Group: Gold Member
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From: Springfield, Louisiana
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Real Name: Larry D. Jennings
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Referred By:Just wondered in.
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Afterlife A winter’s snow… one faded memory of frozen flowers blackened by the blow of icy hand. The buzz of honey bee, one faded memory a winter’s snow cannot erase. Its sound, on spring’s sweet breath, brings joy to every dew bedazzled face of blooms along the road. New life from death on spring’s sweet breath. Its sound cannot erase the chaos felt as seasons changed. We searched emotions but like winter’s snow, they melt and dissipate beyond our reach, besmirched as seasons changed. We searched the chaos felt until our soul is bourn aloft. We feel! We feel our soul is bourn aloft until… S1/L1&L4 did read: The winter’s snow S2/L1&L4 did read: The sound, on spring’s sweet breath S3/L3 did read: or fly away beyond our reach Thanks Lori
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Sep 29 13, 10:21
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Mosaic Master
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Real Name: Lori Kanter
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Hi Larry, I love these SQ sonnets! I am still thinking on a more detailed crit but wanted to pass an observation on at this first reading. Could you replace the word "the" in lines 1 and 4 of each stanza? For example (to illustrate) in S1 maybe change The winter's snow to Harsh winter's snow? cannot erase. The sound, on spring’s sweet breath, brings joy to every dew bedazzled face of blooms along the road. New life from death on spring’s sweet breath. The sound cannot erasemaybe change to Sun's instead of 'the' to read as: cannot erase. Sun's sound, on spring’s sweet breath, brings joy to every dew bedazzled face of blooms along the road. New life from death on spring’s sweet breath. Sun's sound cannot erase Be back again soon! ~Cleo
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Sep 29 13, 21:08
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 11,363
Joined: 15-June 07
From: Springfield, Louisiana
Member No.: 446
Real Name: Larry D. Jennings
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Just wondered in.
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Hi Lori,
Thanks for stopping in for a read and a crit. Let me address your suggestion. In the first stanza, "The" is a definite article and in its position is iambically necessary to maintain the rhythm. The only substitute for that start would be ("A" winters snow) in order for it to work on the swap in the fourth line.
In the second stanza, I am referring to the sound of the honey bee being carried on the wind to the flowers by the road. You may have misread my meaning and that is the reason you suggested using a possessive "Sun's" to replace "The". I think if I were to use a possessive "Its", that might work in both the first line and the swap line.
Whaddaya think?
Larry
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Sep 30 13, 17:16
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Mosaic Master
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Real Name: Lori Kanter
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Referred By:Imhotep
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Hi Larry, Oh yes! I see it now! I do think changing S1's "the" to "A" winter's snow would appeal more (to me anyway), lol! And absolutely - Its sound, on spring's sweet breath. Why not give it a go? Cheers Larry! ~Cleo
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Oct 1 13, 00:01
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 11,363
Joined: 15-June 07
From: Springfield, Louisiana
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Real Name: Larry D. Jennings
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Referred By:Just wondered in.
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Okay Lori,
It has now been tweaked and after a couple of reads, it is better! Thanks for the help.
Does it need more????
Larry
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Oct 1 13, 07:16
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Mosaic Master
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Hi Larry! Oh yes, I think S1 & S2 are very good! Now, for the rest: the chaos felt as seasons changed. We searched emotions but like winter’s snow, they melt or fly away beyond our reach, besmirched as seasons changed. We searched the chaos feltI wonder if you could replace 'winter's snow' above so as not to repeat those words? Perhaps something like 'Jack Frost's kiss (not IP though OR 'blizzard's breath (or kiss)? Then something else for 'fly away' - maybe dissapate? the chaos felt as seasons changed. We searched emotions but like blizzard's breath, they melt or dissapate beyond our reach, besmirched as seasons changed. We searched the chaos felt
until our soul is bourn aloft. We feel! We feel our soul is bourn aloft until…I don't view "feel" rhyming with "until" in your closing couplet. Could you take another looksie there? Cheers, ~Cleo
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Oct 1 13, 23:59
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 11,363
Joined: 15-June 07
From: Springfield, Louisiana
Member No.: 446
Real Name: Larry D. Jennings
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Referred By:Just wondered in.
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Hello again Lori,
"Winter's snow" in S3 is used to reiterate and emphasize the premise of the first line of the poem in that "A winter's snow" like emotions are merely ephemeral events which melt or fly away as seasons (or circumstances) change.
I do like the suggestion of "dissipate" replacing "fly away" and shall use that but I'm afraid I'll have to keep the dual usage of "winter's snow" in the piece. Besides, a "blizzard's breath" would not be easily forgotten and the weather event isn't the subject of the poem.
The constant search for logical meaning in all the changes we experience throughout life as we strive to understand those changes. The seemingly inconsequential events which stay with us like the sound of a honeybee buzzing from flower to flower and fully understanding why something so insignificant is really so important. This is order out of chaos and continued life from death and the final thought of "does this extend to us as well?".
As far as the final rhymes, "we feel" and "until" are what Espy considers to be a perfect rhyming iambic foot. Sorry if it doesn't work for you.
Larry
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Oct 2 13, 10:08
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 11,363
Joined: 15-June 07
From: Springfield, Louisiana
Member No.: 446
Real Name: Larry D. Jennings
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Just wondered in.
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Hello Keith,
Welcome (or welcome back) to MM and thanks for stopping by for a read. I don't remember you but, I've only been here for a little over 7 years.
Looking forward to reading some of your posts.
Larry
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