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Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews _ Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren's Synapse _ Tom
Posted by: Arnfinn Apr 28 13, 23:11
With thanks to Snow.
Same words different arrangement.
Thank you.
John
Tom
Tom, trapped in a world of smug acceptance.
The illiterate soul waiting
for Saturday and yester-years cartoons.
Tom, neurons strained by dim voltage,
pressured and screwed down to acceptance of no acceptance.
Existence is a blank page.
Institutional remedies reflect featured smiles,
and pats of good boy sentiments.
Good for whom?
Not for Tom.
Tom is an alcoholic—wants out for a drink.
Pressure—pressure—pressure.
He sits in the foyer… helping out where he can.
He craves a schooner.
He can see in his “minds-eye” the grey misty glass and the frothy head.
“No, Tom you cannot go out—no bus trips for you”.
“You sit in your chair and do something.”
He gives a smirk; can’t wait for Saturday.
John Macleod © 2012
Original:
Tom
Tom trapped in a world of smug acceptance.
Tom the illiterate soul waiting for Saturday and yester-years
cartoons.
Tom, neurons strained by dim voltage, pressured and screwed down to acceptance of no acceptance.
Existence is a blank page.
Institutional remedies reflect featured smiles, and pats of good boy sentiments.
Good for whom?
Not for Tom.
Tom is an alcoholic—wants out for a drink.
Pressure—pressure—pressure.
He sits in the foyer… helping out where he can.
He craves a schooner.
He can see in his “minds-eye” the grey misty glass and the frothy head.
“No, Tom you cannot go out—no bus trips for you”.
“You sit in your chair and do something.”
He gives a smirk; can’t wait for Saturday.
John Macleod © 2012
Posted by: Psyche May 2 13, 01:06
Hi Arnie! 
I've read your piece but feel dim at this hour, 3 a.m. 
Could you tell me a little about Tom? Is there a cartoon character stuck in here, whom I might not know?
Why and by whom is he treated that way, having to get permission, waiting for Saturday, etc.? 
Is he in an institution? What will he get on Saturday? No drinks, I presume.
I like your piece, just want to let you know I've read it but need time to comment.
Cheers,
Syl*** 
Posted by: Eisa May 2 13, 17:56
Hi John
I think this has the potential to be a very strong poem, but have to agree with Sylvia that it could be made clearer - perhaps a little more detail.
Snow 
Posted by: Arnfinn May 3 13, 05:48
Tom is in his 50’s, an illiterate, alcoholic, and temporary resident at a local aged hostel, was assigned to me. He loved farms; he grew up in a Catholic boy’s home, ‘a farming environment’, worked in the homes piggery from aged 8. Tom was a good bloke we had many enjoyable visits to all types of animal farms in the Berry district. On other occasions we would visit museums and special restaurants where we could sing- a-longs to old time songs.
Tom’s favourite pastimes was watching Saturday’s cartoons and doing Jig-Saw puzzles.
Tom’s favourite movie actor was the monkey in Clint Eastwood’s “Every Which Way But Loose”.
We had one thing very much in common we both shared the same birth date: 27, June.
If Tom liked something, anything, at all, it was— “spot on”.
Tom’s downfall is drink and if we happened to be in town or a city he would always tug my arm to go for drink before we reached our destination and would curse me at the knockback.
Tom has moved out of my area. He has moved up to Wollongong and is being looked after another volunteer group.
When I visited he seems to be (though fragile) holding up OK.
As I said-- Tom is a good companion and a friend. 
Regards,
John
Posted by: Maureen May 3 13, 19:42
The fact that Tom likes Clyde the orangutan in the Clint Eastward movie doesn't surprise me - perhaps he feels a connection because Clyde was supposedly beaten by his trainer back in the late 1980's for stealing food and then later died of a cardiac arrest. He was surplus to 1982 zoo requirements for a genetic breeding program which was how he ended up being in 'show business' and was trained by being beaten to make him docile and to make him conform. Not a lot of difference really is there?
Toms downfall is drink - Clyde's downfall was doughnuts.
I like your poem John - its story is sad. I hope its ending is happy.
Cheers
Maureen
Posted by: Arnfinn May 7 13, 05:29
G'day Maureen,
Yeah, we should help others.
To many people are self centered their lives are unrewarded. 
Tom has had are hard life.
He deserves friendship.
John
Posted by: Psyche May 8 13, 16:50
Dear Arnie,
Thanks so much for filling us in on Tom and his life.
Your piece means a lot to me now. I'm glad he's been lucky enough to have you as a friend. I know you love him sincerely. Pity Tom was moved elsewhere, you must miss each other. But a relief to know he's OK. 
Are you still visiting folks who need a friend? You're a kindly person. Not everybody will do that sort of social work. 
My husband's friends don't ever visit him in the nursing-home. One of them told me outright that he preferred to take care of his own health, which would be harmed if he saw all those oldies with various sorts of dementia.
On the other hand, a few ex-patients visit their sick doctor regularly. Two of them even contribute money to help pay the bill (private home, the state ones are awful). It's comforting to know that they appreciated him as their physician. He was the kind of doctor who wouldn't charge any fees to poor patients; in fact, when saying goodbye, he'd hand them a bag of supermarket stuff he'd purchased for them previously! He'd also visit the sick in their homes and not charge if they were hard up! 
When my son had Motor Neuron Disease, friends became scarce, girlfriend couldn't take it, my female friends also made a wide circle around my home. They also said that they "couldn't bear to see a formerly healthy youngster deteriorate physically". At first they'd phone in, but when my son became unable to talk, calls also faded away... 
One eventually needs paid carers. Voluntary ones don't abound for the terminally ill. Even family members, a brother, a sister, father or mother, take off. Reality in a nutshell. 
So I'm glad to know that my good friend Arnie is such a caring person, happy to receive affection in return. That's the best! 
I now love your piece!
Hugs,
Sylvia***
Posted by: Arnfinn May 18 13, 09:16
G'day my dear friend Sylvia.
Tom is in a hostel/home with four others (his own age). The facility is funded by the RSL Australia and the Salvation Army.
I had my doubts but Tom (my true friend) is doing fine.
Claire is my new assignment.
Regards,
John
Posted by: Eisa May 21 13, 14:47
Hi Arnie
Thanks for explaining about Tom - it is much clearer now. I am so thankful there are people like you around to care.
I think it might be the formatting of your poem that doesn't make it so easy to understand. I have taken the liberty of reorganising your lines, just to see if it is any better. I'm not sure - something to think on!
Snow
Tom
Tom, trapped in a world of smug acceptance.
The illiterate soul waiting
for Saturday and yester-years cartoons.
Tom, neurons strained by dim voltage,
pressured and screwed down to acceptance of no acceptance.
Existence is a blank page.
Institutional remedies reflect featured smiles,
and pats of good boy sentiments.
Good for whom?
Not for Tom.
Tom is an alcoholic—wants out for a drink.
Pressure—pressure—pressure.
He sits in the foyer… helping out where he can.
He craves a schooner.
He can see in his “minds-eye” the grey misty glass and the frothy head.
“No, Tom you cannot go out—no bus trips for you”.
“You sit in your chair and do something.”
He gives a smirk; can’t wait for Saturday.
Posted by: Psyche May 23 13, 16:15
Great news!
And lucky Claire. God bless all of you.
Hugs, Syl***
Tom is in a hostel/home with four others (his own age). The facility is funded by the RSL Australia and the Salvation Army.
I had my doubts but Tom (my true friend)
is doing fine. Claire is my new assignment.
Regards,
John
Posted by: Psyche May 23 13, 16:29
Hi John and Snow, 
John, your poem is truly fantastic, now that Snow has arranged the lines.
Before (sorry), it seemed as if you'd slapped lines on the screen with the intention of tidying them up, sometime.
The way I do on Word, and then never get back to them.. 
In fact, it's pure philosophy and reflection now. Deserves a nom! Can I nom it for IBPC? Oops, is that mean't to be private?
Anyway, it's outstanding, it touches this reader very much. 
Snow, I'll give you your share of the merit...LOL...
Hugs,
Syl***
Posted by: Arnfinn Jun 5 13, 08:06
G'day I know I'm a bit late.
Yes Snow a good piece of editing.
Ok by me.
Thank you Sylvia, my friend, we seem to be together (a lot) in the gallery of contemplation.
Regards,
A
Posted by: saore Jun 5 13, 17:18
I really enjoyed Snow's revision and line arrangement. It is a wonderful poem.
Sergio
Posted by: Psyche Jun 18 13, 23:54
Hey Arnie!
Come on over and post the revised version of this great poem, Tom. 
You and others, including myself, have said they like it the way Snow rearranged your lines, but we can't nominate it for IBPC unless you put a revision at the top. Maybe you wan't to tweak it a little differently, we can't nom it until you see about this.
Please do! Love it!
Hugs, Syl***
Posted by: Arnfinn Jun 21 13, 05:05
G'day Sylv and Snow.
Mission accomplished.
Regards
Posted by: Psyche Jun 22 13, 13:24
Great, Arnie!
I'll come back to re-read and do the nom in the correct place asap. I'm going out now!
Cheers,
Syl***
Posted by: saore Jun 23 13, 07:50
I like your revision John, it flows.
Sergio
Posted by: Psyche Jul 4 13, 20:50
Here I am, Arnie, at last. Sorry for the delay. And it's also my fault this poem is going to IBPC for August, because at the last moment I remembered that my own poem had been published, and that's not allowed with these people. I told Lori in the nick of time...
Now that Snow has rearranged your lines, I hope you don't mind if I make one or two nits, to TOT.
Same words different arrangement.
Thank you.
John
Tom
Tom, trapped in a world of smug acceptance. <<<<Perhaps start poem without 'Tom', as he's so close, in the title.
The illiterate soul waiting
for Saturday and yester-years cartoons.<<<<<If you put 'years', wouldn't it need an apostrophe? Not sure.. BTW, don't you mean Tom is sitting among those cartoons? Or will they be wherever they take him on Saturday?
Tom, neurons strained by dim voltage,
pressured and screwed down to acceptance of no acceptance.
Maybe:
Tom
Trapped in a world of smug acceptance,
an illiterate soul waiting
for Saturday, amongst yester-year cartoons.
Existence is a blank page.
Institutional remedies reflect featured smiles(,)
and pats of good boy sentiments.
Good for whom?
Not for Tom.
Tom is an alcoholic—wants out for a drink.
Pressure—pressure—pressure.
He sits in the foyer… helping out where he can.
He craves a schooner. <<<<<I had to look this one up!! Perhaps it's used in Australia?
He can see in his “minds-eye” the grey misty glass and the frothy head.
>>>>>>I don't think you need to use " ..." for mind's eye.
“No, Tom you cannot go out—no bus trips for you”.
“You sit in your chair and do something.”
He gives a smirk; can’t wait for Saturday.
Will he get his beer on Saturday? Will some good friend take him out and allow him a couple of beers? Hmm....Maybe you could hint at that, sort of to round it off. But my mind is dim, over to you!
Everything is ToT, I love your poem. It gives one a good visual image of institutional life. Sad, but true.
Love, Syl***
Tom
Tom trapped in a world of smug acceptance.
Tom the illiterate soul waiting for Saturday and yester-years
cartoons.
Tom, neurons strained by dim voltage, pressured and screwed down to acceptance of no acceptance.
Existence is a blank page.
Institutional remedies reflect featured smiles, and pats of good boy sentiments.
Good for whom?
Not for Tom.
Tom is an alcoholic—wants out for a drink.
Pressure—pressure—pressure.
He sits in the foyer… helping out where he can.
He craves a schooner.
He can see in his “minds-eye” the grey misty glass and the frothy head.
“No, Tom you cannot go out—no bus trips for you”.
“You sit in your chair and do something.”
He gives a smirk; can’t wait for Saturday.
John Macleod © 2012
Posted by: Psyche Jul 4 13, 21:06
Arnie, you've time to think this one over. I'll nominate it in the correct forum, but Lori won't send it off until end of July.
Meanwhile, it would be lovely to read more of your poems. I like these about the people you accompany in hostels. You've mentioned a lady, Claire.
Hugs, Syl***
Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Jul 20 13, 10:29
G'Day mate! 
John - how ya doin'? Are we going to be sending this one in for the August IBPC?
Cheers,
~Cleo
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