IN YOUR ABSENCE, Wizard Award Winner Options

[Cybele]

*Graphic provided by
Celtic Castle Designs

REVISED SHAPE

In  your                absence
silence overwhelming all sound,
filling every corner of my mind;
a screaming, searing silence
courses through my being
leaving in its aftermath
a white-hot scar
that only your
returning
could
 heal


Grace


In your Absence

Silence, overwhelming all sound
fills every corner of my mind.
A screaming, searing silence  
courses through my being
leaving an aftermath
of white-hot scar
that only your
return could
heal.


All rights reserved by Grace Galton as an unpublished work

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Grace,

Heart-shaped?

Sad, lovely, moving and excellent poetry.

Couldn't be better.

That's all I need say.

J.

[AMETHYST]

Hiya Grace,

Wonderful expression and emotions here. I like the final 'heal" as it is both the outcome and the fullness of the poem. Only small nit, I was unsure if this was to be a Nonet? ... If so, L1, should be 9 syllables, and is only 8. But then I notice other lines not in accordance with the Nonet Form. So perhaps not, if you do decide to flesh this and smooth it out a bit some further thoughts to follow.. .

Happy Holidays and hugs, Liz

Silence, overwhelming all sound
fills every corner of my mind.
Silence overwhelms all that surrounds
and fills the corners of my mind.



A screaming, searing silence  
courses through my being
leaving an aftermath
of white-hot scar
that only your
return could
heal.

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi Grace,

The emptiness of despair and dwindling hope of reconcilliation - well, that's what it made me think of, only very beautifully. The shape (sure you lot must have a technical term for that?  :) ) echoes the feel perfectly.

I like it over here; I shall have to pretend to be a poet more often to come and see the magic on offer (very inspirational to a prose monkey).

Thanks,
Toumai

[Cybele]

Hello James,

Thank you for reading ~ and understanding, and for the lovely comments.

That's all I need to say too.  

Love

Grace

[Cybele]

Hello Liz  

Thank you so much for commenting on this piece.

I was unsure if this was to be a Nonet?

No Liz, the length was purely accidental and was not meant to be any set form ~ except for it's shape, which as James said looks like a heart (the nearest I could get.)

Unfortunately the healing is impossible here Liz, since we were parted by death. Hence the use of the word "could".

Thank you so much for reading.
Love

Grace

[Cybele]

Hello Toumei,

Thank you so much for reading, and I see now that my title could be looked at from a different aspect, which is unfortunate because it is also very apt for the actual meaning of the poem.

As I explained, I was trying for a heart shape but am not very good with these patterns. Thank goodness James picked up on it.  

I really appreciate the prose writer in you coming over to read in these tiles. I shall certainly try to get across to Stonehenge more often - after all it's only 90 minutes up the road

So you know Yeovil too? I haven't been there for years now. Since we moved we tend to go more to Weston-super-Mare.

Love

Grace

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Thank you for your kindness and your welcome, Grace.

It is a wonder how readers insist on bringing  their own interpretation to a piece. One of the mysteries of writing.

I haven't been to Yeovil for years, either - nor Wester-Super-Mud (!)either.  Perhaps we'll have to meet for coffee there sometime.

In the meantime I am hoping that I will learn slightly better interpretation skills from the expert poets such as yourself, James and other MM exemplaries.


Fran

[JustDaniel]

My dear friend Grace!  This is touchingly beautiful, full of tears and treasures!

May I offer my take on this, if you please, to help mould this into the precious locket that it is?

Perhaps something like:

in your . xoxo . absence
silence overwhelms all sound,
fills every corner of my mind;
a screaming, searing silence
courses through my being
leaving in aftermath
a white-hot scar
that only your
life could
heal.

bleeding sLightly, Daniel  

[Psyche]

Dear Grace,
Beautiful, heartbreaking, evocative words to a lost loved one. The heart shape is an added significant, how original yet sad...
I saw Daniel's rearrangement of the "heart frame" and think it an improvement, apparently he just used a different font. But you'll have the last word, of course, dear Grace  :)
No, I see now that he changed some terms. I like the new shape but don't think any of your words needs changing.
The content of this poem is just too delicate for me to tamper with.
Love it and you,
hugs,
Psyche  :dove:  :lovie:

[JustDaniel]

Dear Grace (and Psyche)

I'm equally sensitive to word-changes in such a delicate piece.  I only offer a few tweaks to adjust the shape of the poem doing as little to your original words as possible in the process.

Lightly, Daniel  

P.S.  I also, by the way, had originally thought this was a nonet with a few errors, but quickly recognized something much more important than a form study!

[Cybele]

Good morning Fran,  

I would love to meet up for coffee sometime  

Ah you must be a yokel local girl, Weston-super-mud, indeed.  Everytime I go there Wales has pinched all the sea again.

These shapes are not innovations on my part Fran.  Many of the wonderful poets on this site have used shapes long before me, I learn from their good ideas.  That's what it's all about.   (copycat)

Love

Grace
[b]

[Cybele]

Good morning friend Daniel,  :sun:

What a wonderful idea for shape.

You will see that, although I have only changed one word, I have adapted the shape you suggested and think it looks really good, exactly what I was trying for, but failed to achieve without your help.

Love

Grace


P.S Waiting to hear from you in Haiku and Senryu and soon as you feel well enough.  :oops:

[Cybele]

Hello my dear friend Sylvia,

Thank you for your very kind comments.  This piece is the result of listening to your advice and letting it all out, for which I thank you.

You will see that, while I have adopted Daniel's excellent idea for shape, I have changed only one word and I am very pleased with the look of it now.

Have you taken the plunge yet re the computer?

Love

Grace

[Guest_Jox_*]

Curvy congratulations, Cybele

It looks good.

Daniel - sorry to hear you're unwell, I - and I'm sure everyone here - hope that you feel much better as soon as possible.

James.

[Arnfinn]

Dear Grace, (Cobber)

A very sad time. There is a certain strenght in your lovely poem. I'm pleased that your family are looking after you and whisking you away for a break. In a time of sorrow, a kind word and a strong shoulder, is a helpful ingredient to bring a little sunshine, if a few grey clouds creep over the horizon.


love


John  (Arnie)

   

[Cybele]

Hello Arnie, me aussie mate,

Thank you for the very kind words and wishes.  My thoughts are with you also at this time of year.

Love

Grace

[Ephiny]

Hello Grace,

This is just so beautiful...a touching, poignant and very tender description of love and loss, or I should say, love in a time of loss.  The words and expressions you use to describe silence are so powerful. Could I just say that my thoughts are also with you at this time of year, and that I hope that it helped a little to write this?

I love the shape of this, it works so well, and as others have said, there's nothing I would change about it.  It's wonderful.

[Guest_Cathy_*]

This is precious...and the heart-shape is so cool!

I've wanted to try shape poetry but haven't had a chance yet.  This makes me want to get started!

Cathy  :lovie:  :cloud9:

[Cybele]

Good evening Lucie,

Thank you so much for your kind words and thoughts.

It's good to know that people liked reading this. It means that I have done justice to my lost love.

I really appreciate your reading and commenting on this Lucie.

Love
Grace