Autumn's Woodsy River Options

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Revised:

Traverse the river cloaked by woods
it's like stumbling into another domain.
With all it's virginal resplendence,
wildly rugged and as yet untouched.

Toppled leaves dropping aimlessly
to softly touch the water's face,
bobbing along the flowing current
as they hastily drift far away.

A maple delightfully lush and full,
in russet, sienna, and scarlet,
today is sadly bleak and unfruitful,
branches stark against brilliant skies.

A mighty swamp oak towers over all,
baronial, statuesque, and proud,
once lavishly clad in emerald green,
now garbed only in virtual gold.

The ground is untidy with autumn,
crinkled leaves with flecks of brown,
decadent logs mantled in mossy green,
obscured by willowy golden grasses.

Turbulent waters tumble downriver
flanked by rocky banks and desolate shores.
A covey of dabblers try to linger afloat,
eluding the rocks strewn in their path.

Indian summer's charm is sparked
with vibrance in this untamed river realm.
A soothing stream of symphonic sound
conjoined with an artist's colour palette.




Original:

Walk in the woods hiding the river,
it's like stepping into another world,
with all it's virginal beauty,
starkly rugged and untouched.

Falling leaves drifting slowly
to softly touch the water's face,
bob along the flowing current
as they gently float away.

A maple delightfully lush and full,
with russet, sienna, and scarlet,
today is bleak and barren,
branches stark against blue skies.

One oak towering above the rest,
regally tall, stately, and proud,
lavishly garbed in emerald green,
now clad in virtual gold.

The ground is littered with autumn,
tinted leaves with flecks of brown,
fallen trunks draped in mossy green,
hidden by willowy golden grasses.

Turbulent waters tumble downstream
flanked by rocky banks and barren shores.
A flock of ducks try to stay afloat,
avoiding rocks strewn in their path.

Autumn's beauty is lush and elegant
in this woodsy river realm,
the soothing stream of symphony
in hand with an artist's colour palette.

[Guest__*]

Dear LG,

A few offerings in case you want to tighten this up - T or T !

Traversing the river-cloaking woods - rearrange & shorten
is like stumbling into another domain, - del like
with all it's virginal resplendence,
wildly rugged, as yet untouched.

Toppling leaves drop aimlessly, -- reduce # of "ing"
softly touch the water's face,
bobbing along the flowing current,
they hastily drift away.

This is by no means perfect, but if poetry is "condendsed language" then
conciseness and brevity could be a good thing - over to you.

Have I beenof any help ? If not, ditch this whole post !

Love
Alan

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Thanks for the comments Alan!  I'll look into your suggestions.

Cathy