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> Moth and Flower Works, Poems in response to Alan's Challenge
Guest_Jox_*
post Feb 2 05, 06:01
Post #1





Guest






Hi,

I think this may be my first ever posting in this forum.

I'm not claiming that the following are brilliant and deserve no crit but I have other works I need crit for, so I'll just place these in here for the moment and if anyone would like to comment I'd appreciate that. I may / may not place them for crit at a later date. Thank you.

There were inspired by:

Alan's Poem

Based on a ten-word challenge.

I've only just done them, so no details yet - will add later.

The ten words are:

white; moth; found; wayside; flower; height; design; innocent; carried; satin

These are my two responses, hitherto...


© James Oxenholme, 2005. I, James Oxenholme, do assert my right to be identified as the author of these works in accordance with Sections 77 and 78 of The Copyrights, Designs And Patents Act, 1988. (Laws of Cymru & England, as recognised by international treaties). This work was simultaneously copyrighted in the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and the United States of America. This work is posted as an unpublished work in order to elicit critical assistance, only.

Work A: (Minimalist)

White moth found
wayside flower:
innocent design
carried satin
within its height.

(end)


Work B: (Not so minimalist)

Satin moth glided
onto white flower,
embedded into
wayside height.

Within it, found
an innocent design
carried ecstasy.

(end).



Thanks for any comments!

James.
 
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Guest_Toumai_*
post Feb 2 05, 06:35
Post #2





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Hi James,

Thought I'd drop by to admire your efforts. But you wish for comments, too?

Well, they are excellently executed minimalism (so glad I'm typing this and not trying to enunciate it, lol).

'A' is so wonderfully minimalist - shame that extra word had to go in.

'B' is really sensual for such a tiny piece.  

At first glance the word 'embedded' in B feels wrong; flowers are not embedded (except in those beautiful paper weights). How about 'clinging to', 'verging on', 'springing from'? Just some thoughts sprinkled like wayside flowers - to pick or leave for the weedkiller.

Cheers,
Fran
 
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Guest_Nina_*
post Feb 2 05, 07:44
Post #3





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Hi James

You definitely win the crown for minimalism with your first effort.  It is pure genius to be able to link those 10 words together with only adding 2 extra and making sense.

Again the second one is impressively minimalist.  For me though, the minimalism reduces the effect of the sensuality.

Nina
 
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Guest_Jox_*
post Feb 2 05, 12:28
Post #4





Guest






Hi Fran,

Thanks for popping in. I'm not supposed to elicit crit on here and I wasn't. However, thanks for your comments anyway.

"embedded" works for me because, to me a flower is the whole plant. I would say that snowdrops are flowers - but I mean from root upwards. Now, as a biologist this will confirm all the unscientific views you have of me but that's what I meant.

Thanks for the very kind comments. All the best, James.
 
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Guest_Jox_*
post Feb 2 05, 12:46
Post #5





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Nina, hi,

Thanks for popping-in, too.

Sorry I've been a while - this crown is giving me a headache. (I keep seeing those Lords-A-Leeping).

I've never had my work described as "pure genius" before. I'm framing the computer monitor to put on the wall as I write. Thank you! (Confessional: initially the string is from the list itself; oops).

I shall think about what you say about the sensual reduction; thanks for that.

James.
 
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Guest_Nina_*
post Feb 2 05, 12:52
Post #6





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Hi James

(Confessional: initially the string is from the list itself; oops).

awww, now you've shattered the illusion.  Oh well straight back to reality *bump*
Very crafty though


Nina
 
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Guest_Jox_*
post Feb 2 05, 12:57
Post #7





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Sorry, Nina... but honesty usually pays in the end!

WHAT IDIOT taught me that?????

James.
 
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JLY
post Feb 2 05, 13:12
Post #8


Ornate Oracle
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Group: Centurion
Posts: 4,591
Joined: 31-October 03
From: New Jersey
Member No.: 39
Real Name: John
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Larry Carr



James,
Today, I prefer "B". For me I can better visualize the images your words are creating.  My mind is not too clear today, so "A" is a bit of a stretch for me.
JLY


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Guest_Jox_*
post Feb 2 05, 13:29
Post #9





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John,

Hi - thanks for commentating.

B for you, Sir. So B it!

Cheers, James.
 
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