Jack's or Better - R1/edits - Thanks Sue, Liz & Mary!, His story, her story Options

[Michelle]

**revised

Jack of Maids

Between the softball games, the golf and pool
league nights, he plays the role of loving dad
and spouse when duty tips his barroom stool.
In time, his baby grows into a lad
while Jill’s adoring eyes grow ever sad.
He’s poured his feelings on his flings and lied
to save the pain of getting Jill too mad.
The tavern‘s ambiance, he soon decides,
obscures the ugly blemishes that lurk inside.


Straight in Arts

The tears she’s cried could fill the public pool
where Jill and Junior swim. God knows his dad
can’t spare his son the time. She climbs her stool
and paints another portrait of a lad:
who smiles, although his eyes seem somehow sad.
It sells as all have sold. She never lied
to Jack-- he only asked if she were mad
to paint those silly boys. This, Jill decides,
will bring enough to toss my loose-eyed Jack aside.







**original


Jack of Maids

Between the softball games, the golf and pool
league nights, he plays the role of loving dad
and spouse when duty tips his barroom stool.
In years that pass, his baby grows into a lad,
his darling Jill’s adoring eyes turn sad.
He’s poured his feelings on his flings and lied
to save his wife the pain of getting mad.
This tavern‘s ambiance, he soon decides,
obscures the ugly blemishes that lurk inside.


Straight in Arts

The tears she’s cried could fill the public pool
she swims in with her son. God knows his dad
can’t spare his son the time. She climbs her stool
and paints another portrait of a lad:
smiling, yet the eyes seem somehow sad.
It’ll sell. They all have sold. She hadn’t lied
to Jack-- he only asked if she were mad
to paint those silly boys. This, Jill decides,
will bring enough to toss my loose-eyed Jack aside.


***This might be lame, but it is my first try.

[Merlin]

It's a fabulous first shot, Michelle.
I'm glad you've joined the block party, giving another perspective. It's delightful, and that is the best part of these, I believe. The differing p-o-v's can make for interesting stories, and they often are true to life.

Maybe somebody else will jackalope too!

Merlin

[heartsong7]

Nice pair, Michelle. I would only suggest (since this is told in third person) that rather than a 'he said, she said' pair, we might call it 'his story/her story' It adds a new dimension to the concept... I like it.
Below is a quick once-over for small nits:

Jack of Maids

Between the softball games, the golf and pool
league nights, he plays the role of loving dad
and spouse when duty tips his barroom stool.
In years that pass, his baby grows into a lad,>>> too many sylls.
his darling Jill’s adoring eyes turn sad>>> seems to want an 'and'
something like;
"In time, his baby grows into a lad
and Jill's adoring eyes grow ever sad".. or similar?
He’s poured his feelings on his flings and lied
to save his wife the pain of getting mad.>>> I would think it's himself he's more inclined to want to save from the pain of her getting mad.
maybe something like:
"to save the pain of getting Jill too mad."
This tavern‘s ambiance, he soon decides,
obscures the ugly blemishes that lurk inside. >>> well stated ending.

Straight in Arts

The tears she’s cried could fill the public pool
she swims in with her son. God knows his dad
can’t spare his son the time. She climbs her stool
and paints another portrait of a lad:
smiling, yet the eyes seem somehow sad.>>> could be stronger. I think it's the starting off with 'smiling' that throws me off. Would you consider continuing the previous line something like:
"and paints another portrait of a lad
who smiles, although his eyes seem somehow sad."
It’ll sell. They all have sold. She hadn’t lied >>> 'it'll' seems awkward. Maybe: "It sells as all have sold."
to Jack-- he only asked if she were mad
to paint those silly boys. This, Jill decides,
will bring enough to toss my loose-eyed Jack aside. >>> love that, esp 'loose-eyed Jack.

I really like your play on words there and in the titles.
Nice work.
Sue

***This might be lame, but it is my first try.

[Mary Boren]

Nothing lame here, Michelle. Sue has already covered everything that occurred to me to mention, so I'll just compliment you on a job well done.

Mary

[jgdittier]

Dear Michelle,
With Merlin's approval, Heartsong's polish and Mary's compliments, you're off to a fast start.
I feel most comfortable commenting on the piece's flow, but can't will wait 'til you post a revision. However, may I congratulate you for the descriptive language such as "duty tips his barroom stool", "tavern's ambiance", tears filling the pool, "loose-eyed jack".
Those ironic, wry, hyper and imaginative descriptions add to the smile.
There seems to be something about these "volleys" that suit them to verse.
Cheers, Ron jgd

[Peterpan]

What an amazing attempt at something complicated, yet, so tangible in this format!
Well done! Your clever use of words and deeds...!

Thank you for sharing it.

Peterpan

[Michelle]

Hey Merlin, thanks so much for stopping in with encouragement. I don't think I got this one quite right, but I'll keep trying. (smile) This is a great kind of challenge. I too hope that others jump Jack in.


Thank you so much Sue. I've used all of your suggestions. They are spot on. I see the err of my ways by making this a narrative. I'll have to do another one the right way. (smile) It'll be a bit more of a stretch to do it first person.


Hi Mary. Thank you for responding here. I'll have to force myself into first person on my next attempt. That seems a bit scary to me. (chuckle) I hope you join in the fun.


Thanks Ron for your kind words. I was trying for a more casual tone than my usual. But alas, I failed with attaining a first person perspective. Rather than change this one, I'll start again, I think. I appreciate your thoughts and look forward to your impression of the flow.


Thank you Peterpan, for stopping in with your encouraging thoughts. Although this isn't exactly what I wanted to achieve, I'll leave it in the narrative and try my hand at a set in first person. You should try one.



My best to each of you,

Michelle

[Peterpan]

Hi Michelle~

In case the miles got things confused or twisted...I thought your poem complicated and difficult for me to attempt - not for you, who have written it admirably! Hope you did not think me being negatively critical?

Peterpan

[AMETHYST]

I'm jealous Michelle,

You rose to the challenge and met it with flying colors! Wonderful work. The story is striken from both sides ... I am sitting in awe of the skillfully handled technique and subject - some minor little nits that stumble for me, but nothing that screams with importance.

Blessings ... Liz

PS please use what you can and discard the rest...

Jack of Maids

Excellent pretitle here ... and the contrast of 'straight in arts' quite clever...

Between the softball games, the golf and pool
league nights, he plays the role of loving dad
and spouse when duty tips his barroom stool.
In time, his baby grows into a lad,
and Jill’s adoring eyes grow ever sad.
He’s poured his feelings on his flings and lied
to save the pain of getting Jill too mad.
The tavern‘s ambiance, he soon decides,
obscures the ugly blemishes that lurk inside.

L1-4 are flawless to my ear ... smooth and crisp with information and steady movement of his state of being ... come L5, perhaps .. 'while Jill's adoring eyes grow ever sad.'
wonderful Iambic substitutions in the final line give it that quick dancelike motion...

Straight in Arts

The tears she’s cried could fill the public pool
she swims in with her son. God knows his dad
can’t spare his son the time. She climbs her stool
and paints another portrait of a lad:
who smiles, although his eyes seem somehow sad.
It’ll sells as all have sold. She hadn’t lied
to Jack-- he only asked if she were mad
to paint those silly boys. This, Jill decides,
will bring enough to toss my loose-eyed Jack aside.

In L1, perhaps ... "The tears she cried could fill the public pool'
and L2, stumbles for me ... perhaps -
They swim, her son and she; God knows his dad

I absolutey LOVE the final line and the twist that it brings ...

Michelle... this is awesome! Just awesome!

Hugs, Liz

[Michelle]

Peterpan, I didn't take your comment over critically. I was just trying to be encouraging about trying one of these. I can see how my words might be misconstrued, though. I'm so sorry. My tone was and is totally positive. (heck you have to use a sledge hammer to bruise my feelings) I might disagree with a suggestion or critique, but that would be because I have a truer sense of my vision or I have a specific purpose that the reviewer isn't taking into account. By no means ever, assume that I have taken offense. And please if you ever have a stumble or a suggestion for me, don't hold back. Honesty above all things is what helps us to grow as poets - honesty with ourselves and others. Thank you again. Your words are very encouraging and I appreciate them.


Hiya Liz. It is so good to see you. Thank you for your thoughts and suggestions. I will use the one in S1L5 and in S2, I think I've come up with an alternative. Thank you for pointing to that, though. You are so kind and encouraging-- we are all lucky to have you.


my best to you both,

Michelle

[Peterpan]

Hi Michelle!

I was being overly sensitive but, also I did not want to offend you by an ambiguous comment. I am glad we have cleared that one up!!!!!!!!!!! Look forward to more postings from and with you!

PP

[AMETHYST]

Hey Michelle,

That change over in S2L2 is absolutely perfect! I went crazy trying to think of an alternative for son without repeating what had been already incorporated, never thought of Junior... Great revisions.

This is stamped deal in my opinion...

Hugs, Liz

[heartsong7]

Hi Michelle,
I think these work very well as narratives and now that you've added some polish, I'd say they're good to go. You've given me inspiration to try the "his story, her story" premise.
Thanks for joining the fun.
Sue

[heartsong7]

Hey Michelle,
You have really charged up my lazy muse. I've posted a her story/his story that's also about Jack and Jill. It was a challenge for me to write it as a narrative. For some reason I find first person easier.
Best to you,
Sue

[Mary Boren]

Michelle, have another look at this line, will you?

It’ll sells as all have sold. She hadn’t lied

I'm sure "sells" is simply an editing oversight. The tenses in this stanza are getting pretty cumbersome, don't you think? I'm not fond of it'll, and "she hadn't lied" instead of the more natural "she didn't lie" sounds suspiciously like a lazy effort to get the rhyme. Nah, you wouldn't do that.

Mary

[Michelle]

Peterpan, good to see you again. I'll keep my eye out for your work.

Liz, thanks again for your help.

Sue, I've read your poem and am on my way to comment after my responses here. First person seems far more difficult for me. It's funny (and wonderful) how poets differ. See you soon.

Mary, I forgot to take out the 'll in that line. Lazy? (chuckle) ya, maybe. I have to work in 'lied' - as both poems have the same words as end rhymes. I've already fudged with inside/aside on the last lines. Perhaps making it, 'she had not lied' would be smoother. I'm trying to get many things into this one line. Any suggestions? ohhh my, one just occurred to me. I'll try it. Thank you Mary!


my best to all,

Michelle

[Mary Boren]

She never lied. Yes, that's perfect, Michelle. Such a simple solution. I wouldn't have thought of it.

Mary

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hello Michelle,

I'm afraid I've come to late to the party! I really enjoyed your Jack & Jill story and the revision. You've shined through this response poem. I've only one nit, but cannot think of an alternate at present:


Between the softball games, the golf and pool
league nights, he plays the role of loving dad
and spouse when duty tips his barroom stool.

It's the use of 'the' three times in the first two lines. It's not a problem metrically or to the story you've conveyed - however, I'd like to see some more in those three beats if possible. Perhaps describe what kind of softball games, late, long, park, bet ? What kind of golf ?

Sorry to be a party-pooper - I enjoyed the tale!

Cheers
~Cleo