Out Of View ~ Revised 8/18/07, Free Verse Options

[Maggie]

Hi Amethyst,

I think this is an interesting poem! I particularly like your strong ending which made me smile!! (1)I do wonder why you added what I consider cumbersome punctuation in the first few lines, so I changed it below. (2)I also broke your lines up into more grammatical breaks.

I'm very new at trying free verse, so bear with me if I've messed it up. You are the poet, so all changes are ultimately your decision.

A memorable poem!!!

I remember you,
well-rounded,
reserved and a proper boy.
Mother had served apple pie,
topped with vanilla swirl to. (I'd get rid of the "to")
If she had only seen
that gleam of seduction
sashaying against the cinnamon air,
the quick toe touching of footsie
and glints of wet
after your lips pressed mine -
she too, would remember you well. (I like the "too" here!)

[JustDaniel]

Greetings, Liz.

I still don't understand line breaks in FV at times, so I hope you'll excuse me if I've missed something in my playing with your words as I blunder in here in the middle of your already-revised piece. I think you know that I love the way that you changed the meaning of the opening line!

Out Of View -
[ It's good to see a title like this coming out of you ! ]

I remember you. Well[-]rounded [--]
(--) reserved( ; )[...] a proper boy whose mother
mother had served apple pie, topped
with vanilla swirl to also. If only she had only seen
that gleam of seduction
sashaying against the cinnamon air,
the quick toe[-]touching of footsie
and glints of wet
after your lips pressed mine -
she too, would remember you, too... well.

frollicking Lightly, Daniel

[AMETHYST]

Hi Amethyst,

I think this is an interesting poem! I particularly like your strong ending which made me smile!! (1)I do wonder why you added what I consider cumbersome punctuation in the first few lines, so I changed it below. (2)I also broke your lines up into more grammatical breaks.

Hi Peggy,

Thank you for stopping in on this one ... The opening line, in order to maintain the contrast between remembering someone well and the use of well as fully or balanced It needs to be a complete thought 'I remember you." The statement, is meant to contrast the ending statement of the narrators mother remembering him as he presented himself and not as the dirty guy he really was - and had she of been more open eyed and aware of what was going on behind the scenes, she too, would have remembered him as the narrator does.

Some of your further punctuation suggestions gives me a clue as to make further considerations with other lines and I thank you.

I'm very new at trying free verse, so bear with me if I've messed it up. You are the poet, so all changes are ultimately your decision.

There is never a way to mess up ... and usually every suggestion in some way or another opens up other ideas ...

Hugs liz