Out Of View ~ Revised 8/18/07, Free Verse Options

[AMETHYST]

This was from an exercise to begin your first line of a poem with Leonard Cohen's Chelsea Hotel first line -: I Remember You Well - located at Absolute Write.



~~~~~3rd Revision~~~~~~~~~

Out Of View -

I remember you, well rounded
and reserved. A proper boy
mother would serve apple pie, topped
with vanilla swirl. If she only had seen
that gleam of seduction
sashaying against the cinnamon air,
the quick toe-touches of footsie
and glints of wet
after your lips pressed mine -
she too, would remember you well.





~~~~~2nd Revision~~~~~~~~~~~

Out Of View -

I remember you. Well rounded
-- reserved; A proper boy
mother had served apple pie, topped
with vanilla swirl to. If she had only seen
that gleam of seduction
sashaying against the cinnamon air,
the quick toe touching of footsie
and glints of wet
after your lips pressed mine -
she too, would remember you well.


*In the final line, I have added 'too' to stress she would have the same opinion of him as the narrator... does it work with or without the 'too' -






~~~~~~~Revision~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Out Of View -

I remember you. Well rounded
and reserved. A proper boy
and mother served you apple pie, topped
with vanilla swirl. If she had only seen
that gleam of seduction
sashaying against the cinnamon air,
the quick toe touching of footsie
and glints of wet
after your lips pressed mine -
she would remember you well.





~~~~~~~~~Original~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Out Of View -

I remember you. Well rounded
and reserved. A proper boy
mother could serve apple pie to, topped
with vanilla swirl. If she had only seen
the gleam of seduction
sashaying against the cinnamon air, *
the quick toe touching of footsie
and glints of wet
after your lips pressed mine -
she would remember you well.



*corrected typo-from cinnomon to cinnamon

This post has been edited by Cleo_Serapis: Sep 29 07, 14:40

Reason for edit: Corrected Typo