Printable Version of Topic

Click here to view this topic in its original format

Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews _ Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -> Herme's Homilies _ No Words*

Posted by: Larry Apr 16 18, 22:39

No Words

There are no words which might express
the gratitude and happiness
that fills my heart each morn and eve.
I’m always reticent to leave
my new back porch but I confess

a friend who thought that he would bless
me with this gift without redress
merits the praise he would receive.
There are no words!

He took what once was one big mess
in my back yard when I said yes
to kindness. I could not conceive
that this, his best recitative,
would shelter me. I’d have to guess
there are no words.

S2/L2 did end in "could not believe"
S3/L1-2 did read: He took what once was a big mess of a back yard...

Thanks Daniel!

Posted by: JustDaniel May 12 18, 12:33

If I could share

If I could share a word or two
I trust that it won't make you blue;
I like your porch where we can rock
without your pulling out your Glock
because I show one thing askew.

Your second stanza quickly drew
my eye to give attention to
a little rhyming structure knock...
if I could share:

'believe' with 'bless' is your boo-boo;
they do not rhyme, as they should do.
That noted, haps we then can talk
of better ways to take a walk
in stanza three with golden chalk...
if I could share:

... was ONE big mess
IN MY back yard

By the way, your poem reminds me of the story of a young man who showed up at a wealthy man's front door asking for work. When asked if he experience painting, he said yes, so the man told him that he needed his porch painted out in the back. He gave him the paint and a brush and told him to go ahead. Just a couple of hours later, the man knocked on the door and returned the cleaned brush and the remainder of the paint, saying he was done. The wealthy man was surprised it was done so quickly, but gave him the agreed-upon sum and bid him adieu. On leaving, the man turned about and said, "By the way, your car isn't a Porsche; it's a Lamborghini.

Posted by: Larry May 14 18, 13:57

You Should Have Shared

You should have shared some time ago
when we were Rondeau swapping so
that I would not look like a fool.
Now I must use this typing tool
to rearrange what I should know.

My problem wasn’t rhyming’s flow
but in the scheme of things; although
I needed to be sent to school,
you should have shared

that in “My Home”, “My Brain” and woe,
“Awakening” I stubbed my toe.
“Eternal Gifts” might be a jewel
but some critique would not be cruel.
In the same way, they’re not “Rondeau”!
You should have shared.

The above listed “Rondon’ts” all have the same mistake in S2 with the rhyme scheme abbR instead of the proper aabR. Like I say, you should have shared!

I get your point with the “golden chalk” and will make that change. Thanks.

Larry

Posted by: JustDaniel May 14 18, 16:28

Hey, I've been in too much pain to do serious crit for some time...

but glad to help eventually!

deLightingly, Daniel

Posted by: Larry May 15 18, 14:18

Hey Daniel,

Some of the above mentioned poems are over two years old. Hope you haven't been in pain for that long but if so, I still appreciate the heads-up on the proper structure of the Rondeau.

Hope things are improving with the knees!

Larry