 removed, Member Choice Winner |
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Archives > Archives > ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011  |
 Dec 19 06, 21:04
Post
#1
|
|
 Creative Chieftain  Posts: 883 Joined: 2-January 06 From: Washington State USA Member No.: 145 Writer of: Poetry  |
·······  ······· |
  
|
|
|
Dec 20 06, 10:49
Post
#2
|
|
 Ornate Oracle Posts: 18,560 Joined: 2-August 03 From: Southwest New Jersey, USA Member No.: 6 Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr. Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
What a graphically grim picture, Cyn. The flow of this is masterful, methinks. Maybe the dialect needs some work...
and you know how much I struggle with end stops, but I FEEL that the lines are too long ? Wish I could help more... but I want you to know that this has the makin's o' sumpthin' spechul! deLightin' in yer creativity, Daniel 
······· ·······Slow down; things will go faster!
MM Award Winner        |
|
|
|
|
Dec 20 06, 12:56
Post
#3
|
|
|
Creative Chieftain Posts: 883 Joined: 2-January 06 From: Washington State USA Member No.: 145 Writer of: Poetry |
QUOTE (JustDaniel @ Dec 20 06, 15:49 ) [snapback]88927[/snapback] What a graphically grim picture, Cyn. The flow of this is masterful, methinks. Maybe the dialect needs some work... and you know how much I struggle with end stops, but I FEEL that the lines are too long ? Wish I could help more... but I want you to know that this has the makin's o' sumpthin' spechul! deLightin' in yer creativity, Daniel I just went ahead and shortened the lines, see if that helps Thanks Daniel, as always ······· ······· |
|
|
|
|
Dec 27 06, 20:36
Post
#4
|
|
|
Creative Chieftain Posts: 883 Joined: 2-January 06 From: Washington State USA Member No.: 145 Writer of: Poetry |
I have revised this one as well
······· ······· |
|
|
|
|
Dec 27 06, 21:57
Post
#5
|
|
 Ornate Oracle Posts: 3,822 Joined: 3-August 03 From: Florida Member No.: 10 Real Name: Elizabeth Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori Kanter |
 WOW... Cyn, this is forceful, with harsh reality as the trigger of powerful images and a wondering tone. The inner alliterative partnerships with words through out and other sound devices bring out the poetic over tone like a shined diamond. I loved the voice you've used. It invites the reader to sit down on a porch swing, with the narrator, sipping a cool glass of homemade lemonade, looking out onto fields that once were the livelihood and playground to 'those' hands I can see so clearly in my mind. I am there...sitting...listening to this man's longing for yesterday voice...wondering where did those years go, the people...the times. And how...such losses ... all gone, and yet, never bled. I loved the linking of these events in the man... As blood, being a symbol of life itself... (in my opinion) and so I linked it. Some minor thoughts, but I must say that your revision really doesn't leave much to nit pick about. Just some Bravo's to sing "thank you for this read" ... Hugs and Happy Holidays, Liz QUOTE These Hands
Good title. When’d my hands get so old lookin’, he wondered, these same hands that built this house. A saw took this ring finger Because the title says..."these hands' perhaps beginning the first line as... when'd they get so old lookin', he wondered, these same hands that built this house. A saw took this ring finger Just might alleviate that too quick, too close repeat of 'hands' clean off, hardly bled at all. These same hands, before they were all bent and peculiar, tilled these fallow fields, barren as the missus, I LOVED these 2 lines. especially how nonchalantly, 'barren as the missus' sort of flutters off the tongue as if in casual conversation, and yet such powerful meaning. I also wanted to commend you for the line break choice, allowing the thought... the power of his wife being childless settles in, before coming to learn of her death... Excellent poetics. A double slap of life's realities and still you maintained that steady, casual smooth voice of the narrator... which makes the poem! before the cancer took her, after Doc White took her ovaries and the chemo took her hair. Looked jess like a baby bird, she did. Like this fledgling mewling Again... not a nit. in these hands, its wing bent and lifeless, mangled foot clasping nothing. The shovel blade against its neck, it hardly bled at all. What a powerful ending. Very crisp, bordering brilliant. ······· ·······Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!
MM Award Winner      |
|
|
|
|
Dec 28 06, 01:41
Post
#6
|
|
|
Creative Chieftain Posts: 883 Joined: 2-January 06 From: Washington State USA Member No.: 145 Writer of: Poetry |
Liz I have altered this per your suggestion, thanks. Good one!
Cyn ······· ······· |
|
|
|
|
Dec 28 06, 09:40
Post
#7
|
|
 Laureate Legionnaire Posts: 1,250 Joined: 2-August 03 From: USA Member No.: 7 Writer of: Poetry |
Hi Cyn,
This is a rousing poem and your raw/slang tonality sets the stage for a moving poem with stark imagery. (interesting vernacular) The only suggestion I have is to perhaps change the last word “wonder” (redundant) or, rework the last sentence a bit. Happy holidays. 
······· ·······"Imagination is more important than knowledge and encircles the world"
Albert Einstein MM Award Winner   |
|
|
|
|
Dec 28 06, 13:17
Post
#8
|
|
|
Creative Chieftain Posts: 883 Joined: 2-January 06 From: Washington State USA Member No.: 145 Writer of: Poetry |
I think you are reading the original. The line with wonder had been dropped. The revised version is at the top of the page. Thanks for reading though
······· ······· |
|
|
|
|
Dec 28 06, 18:29
Post
#9
|
|
|
Laureate Legionnaire Posts: 1,250 Joined: 2-August 03 From: USA Member No.: 7 Writer of: Poetry |
QUOTE (Cyn @ Dec 28 06, 18:17 ) [snapback]89179[/snapback] I think you are reading the original. The line with wonder had been dropped. The revised version is at the top of the page. Thanks for reading though Hey Cyn, Whoops! I apologize as I was stuck on the original's last sentence. The revised has a great "punch!" Happy holidays. ······· ·······"Imagination is more important than knowledge and encircles the world"
Albert Einstein MM Award Winner |
|
|
|
|
Jan 21 07, 19:24
Post
#10
|
|
 Mosaic Master  Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Hi Cyn.
Sorry I'm so late to read and comment!  I definitely like your revised version more - the longer lines seem to make each image stand out more in my mind for some reason. The 'voice' is perfect here too and I feel the sadness of the MC, and how he relates life memories (through his hands) back to the fledgling, putting it out of its misery. No nits here - best of luck in the polling -well deserved! ~Cleo 
······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!  "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner  |
|
|
|
|
Jan 23 07, 18:18
Post
#11
|
|
|
Creative Chieftain Posts: 883 Joined: 2-January 06 From: Washington State USA Member No.: 145 Writer of: Poetry |
Thanks Cleo. I hope the main gist of this was not lost, that this man could help the bird but ot his wife. thanks for your encouragment
Cyn ······· ······· |
|
|
|
|
Jan 25 07, 18:11
Post
#12
|
|
|
Mosaic Master Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Yes - there is connection to that, in the closing line (the shovel), so the meaning is clear.
~Cleo ······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner |
|
|
|
|
Feb 24 07, 13:30
Post
#13
|
|
|
Mosaic Master Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Congrats Cyn on your Member Choice award winning tile!
 Well done! ~Cleo 
······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner |
|
|
|
|
Feb 24 07, 15:13
Post
#14
|
|
|
Creative Chieftain Posts: 883 Joined: 2-January 06 From: Washington State USA Member No.: 145 Writer of: Poetry |
WOW
I did not know it had been nominated! Thanks to whoever nominated it and those who agreed! What a great surprise! ······· ······· |
|
|
|
 Feb 25 07, 09:02
Post
#15
|
|
|
Mosaic Master Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Hi Cyn.
A well deserved award!  We're trying a new approach with our Member Choice and COM (Critiquer of the month) award programs (a resurrection of sorts) and it goes something like this: Any poems nominated for the monthly IBPC competition will be automatically nominated for our monthly Member Choice award poll. Additionally, any member can nominate tiles from the following forums: Herme's Homilies (Fixed Poetic Forms), Seren's Synapse (Poetic Free Verse), Plato's Pearls of Wisdom (Poetry Exhibition), Stonehenge (Short Prose), Pandora's Box (Monthly Challenges), and the Acropolis (Weekly Challenges) until the 5th of each month. On the 6th, the Member Choice poll will be posted. We're trying to stick to a 'schedule of events and polls' to make it a more regular process here at  . I've been posting the nomination thread around the same time we post the poll for the IBPC votes (generally the 22nd) over in the Valley of the Kings forum. Actually, the Feb Member Choice nom thread was just posted here: http://forums.mosaicmusings.net/index.php?showtopic=9848 if you'd like to take a peek.  I digress.... as for this excellent poem, Liz was the one who nominated it for the IBPC Feb comp and I'd like to share her comments here in this thread with you and your readers. QUOTE I would like to nominate These Hands By Cyn as it is written with raw straight forward honesty. Gripping truths of a man's life that, perhaps is a nobody in the grand scheme of things, but how Cyn used the voice chosen, word choices and various experiences to link one event to the other brought about a unity between the narrator and the reader. I felt she used several poetic devices so skillfully that the poem sat with me, and I with it. Good poem to read. Hugs, Liz Cheers Cyn! ~Cleo 
······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner |
|
|
|
| Guest_Cathy_* |
Feb 25 07, 09:07
Post
#16
|
 |
Congratulations on your Member Choice and IBPC Nom!! And good luck with IBPC!
Cathy |
|
|
|
|
Feb 26 07, 16:45
Post
#17
|
|
|
Ornate Oracle Posts: 3,822 Joined: 3-August 03 From: Florida Member No.: 10 Real Name: Elizabeth Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori Kanter |
Congratuations Cyn, This is a striking poem and well deserving of any applause and praise. Best Wishes, and great admiration for some very fine poetry.
Liz ······· ·······Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!
MM Award Winner |
|
|
|
|
Feb 26 07, 18:12
Post
#18
|
|
 Laureate Legionnaire Posts: 322 Joined: 20-August 06 From: Minneapolis, Minnesota Member No.: 217 Real Name: Timothy Blighton Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:justdaniel |
Cyn,
Yes, deserving praise, to a deserving poetess and poem. Well done!! ~tim ······· ······· |
|
|
|
|
Feb 27 07, 05:37
Post
#19
|
|
 Mosaic Master  Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
Congratulations
 Well deserved! Snow
······· ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner |
|
|
|
|
Feb 27 07, 05:49
Post
#20
|
|
 Creative Chieftain  Posts: 2,587 Joined: 9-August 03 From: Australia Member No.: 17 Real Name: John Writer of: Poetry |
Congratulations.
A feather in your cap Best of luck! John ······· ·······Arnfinn
Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner  |
|
|
|
1 User(s) are reading this topic (1 Guests and 0 Anonymous Users)
0 Members:
|
|
Lo-Fi Version | Time is now: 19th April 2024 - 18:46 |
Read our FLYERS - click below
|
| more Quotes |
| ||
|
|
|
|
