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So Quickly, rondeau |
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Mar 5 07, 15:02
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 18,457
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From: Southwest New Jersey, USA
Member No.: 6
Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr.
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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So Quickly
So quickly has lone eagle spread her wings to glide beyond his head and leave behind this waddling duck who'd quacked when she had lost her pluck here molting... helped her leave her bed.
He flaps his wings in honor, sheds a tear of joy... but where he treads e'en webbed feet slip upon its muck so quickly.
He gains his balance; now he's steady, shakes his feathers, looks ahead then tries his flapping wings with pluck to join his fellows who've been struck by warming waters strewn with bread so quickly.
© MLee Dickens'son 04 March 2007
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Mar 6 07, 17:22
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Group: Platinum Member
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Real Name: Ron Jones
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Dear Daniel, Often poets find a form and adhere to it as if it were gospel. For me, as my favorite form is the rondeau, I'm indicative of my previous statement. Yet here you've spiced the rondeau with a dash of deviation that makes this a gourmet's delight. My compliments to the chef! Cheers, Ron jgd
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Guest_Cathy_*
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Mar 7 07, 10:34
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Guest
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Hi Daniel,
I read this and started to post a comment but I keep getting booted! Oh that irks me! LOL Anyhoo... I will try to crit as soon as my pc will allow. It doesn't give me much time between boots!
Cat
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Mar 17 07, 13:28
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Mosaic Master
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Real Name: Lori Kanter
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Referred By:Imhotep
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Hello Daniel.
I enjoyed your Rondeau but have noted a deviation from the form's rhyme scheme (in S3 below). I imagined the eagles soaring, him trying to catch up and also read this as a metaphor of a person who feels they somwhow didn't fit in, stumbles and tries again in another place (or with another group) with confidence gained.
Cheers ~Cleo
[add] {delete} (comment)So quickly has lone eagle spread her wings to glide beyond his head and leave behind this waddling duck who'd quacked when she had lost her pluck here molting... helped her leave her bed. Great opening!He flaps his wings in honor, sheds a tear of joy... but where he treads e'en webbed feet slip upon its muck so quickly. (I also feel a bump in an otherwise very smooth rhythm in L3 above – not sure if you mean ‘even’ but it and ‘upon’ are not as smooth to my ear. Perhaps something like: even webbed feet do slip in muck )He gains his balance; now he's steady, (You’ve got the wrong rhyme scheme here, it should rhyme with ‘spread’. Perhaps: He gains his balance; she has fled… OR He gains his balance in her stead)shakes his feathers, looks ahead then tries his flapping wings with pluck (pluck has already been used in S1 - Perhaps: then flies with swaying force and luck )to join his fellows who've been struck by warming waters strewn with bread so quickly.
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Mar 21 07, 15:38
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Group: Gold Member
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Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr.
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Referred By:Lori
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QUOTE (jgdittier @ Mar 6 07, 18:22 ) [snapback]92304[/snapback] Dear Daniel, Often poets find a form and adhere to it as if it were gospel. For me, as my favorite form is the rondeau, I'm indicative of my previous statement. Yet here you've spiced the rondeau with a dash of deviation that makes this a gourmet's delight. My compliments to the chef! Cheers, Ron jgd Thank you so much, Ron... I'm assuming that you're referring to the 'variation' in S3L1 where the rhyme is in the 'right' place, but there's enjambement in which I borrow a half-beat from the next line? I'm pleased that you like that, my friend. deLightingly, Daniel
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Mar 21 07, 15:40
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Group: Gold Member
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Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr.
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Referred By:Lori
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QUOTE (Cathy @ Mar 7 07, 11:34 ) [snapback]92334[/snapback] Hi Daniel,
I read this and started to post a comment but I keep getting booted! Oh that irks me! LOL Anyhoo... I will try to crit as soon as my pc will allow. It doesn't give me much time between boots!
Cat I've been waiting for your return out of courtesy, but since this has perhaps dropped out of your sight, I'll respond to your original post out of courtesy. always a deLight to have you drop in with your perspective, Cat. - Daniel
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Mar 21 07, 15:42
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 18,457
Joined: 2-August 03
From: Southwest New Jersey, USA
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Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr.
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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QUOTE (JLY @ Mar 15 07, 06:54 ) [snapback]92837[/snapback] Daniel, You are quite adept at this form. You are a big proponent of contracted words... but this one e'en just doesn't seem to roll off the tongue. I find it to be a stumbling point to your smooth rhythm.
JLY Let me think on how I might maneuver to change that. It's just a word that I've used all my life, so to me it's quite natural... but I definitely catch your point. Thank you. in Light of others' hearing, Daniel
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Mar 21 07, 15:58
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Group: Gold Member
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Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr.
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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QUOTE (Cleo_Serapis @ Mar 17 07, 14:28 ) [snapback]92965[/snapback] Hello Daniel.
I enjoyed your Rondeau but have noted a deviation from the form's rhyme scheme (in S3 below). I imagined the eagles soaring, him trying to catch up and also read this as a metaphor of a person who feels they somwhow didn't fit in, stumbles and tries again in another place (or with another group) with confidence gained.
[ Thank you, Lori. You're not far off with the metaphor... but I actually wrote this as an honor to another writer who was experimenting with rondeau, maybe for the first time and struggled at the beginning, nearly giving up. I nudged her a bit and tried to get her to do it again, and the next attempt she made showed the beauty and grace of other things that I'd recently read of hers, so that she was now infusing that into rondeau. I just kind of felt like standing back and watching her soar.
The reality is, however, that each of us has limitations, and I have come to know my own. It's been very difficult for me to accept them, but I'm facing the reality that there are a whole lot of things that I just cannot do that others do in our writing world that provide depth and breadth to their writing. I can only do what I can do... so I write duck sonnets instead of eagle sonnets. One does best what one can do best. ]
Cheers ~Cleo
So quickly has lone eagle spread her wings to glide beyond his head and leave behind this waddling duck who'd quacked when she had lost her pluck here molting... helped her leave her bed. [b]Great opening! [ Thank you! ]He flaps his wings in honor, sheds a tear of joy... but where he treads e'en webbed feet slip upon its muck so quickly. (I also feel a bump in an otherwise very smooth rhythm in L3 above – not sure if you mean ‘even’ but it and ‘upon’ are not as smooth to my ear. Perhaps something like: even webbed feet do slip in muck )[ Obviously, I need to give this some more thought. Thanks for the heads up. ]He gains his balance; now he's steady, (You’ve got the wrong rhyme scheme here, it should rhyme with ‘spread’. Perhaps: He gains his balance; she has fled… OR He gains his balance in her stead)[ I think you'll find that the rhyme falls on the place where the ear hears the rhyme, and I purposely varied the expectation here. In the reading of this out loud, I don't think you'd hear even a little stumble ? ]shakes his feathers, looks ahead then tries his flapping wings with pluck (pluck has already been used in S1 - Perhaps: then flies with swaying force and luck )[ Sheesh, I hadn't even noticed that. I have done that several times lately! ]to join his fellows who've been struck by warming waters strewn with bread so quickly. Thank you so much for visiting my little duck, Lori...
I'm gonna have to give at least those two lines some further thought. I'm afraid they've slipped too far into the muck.
deLighting in your sharing, Daniel
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Guest_Cathy_*
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Mar 22 07, 09:02
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Guest
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Hi Daniel,
Sorry I didn't get back to this one. My son just recently left for the military and those of us left behind have been picking up the slack when it comes to chores so I've been a bit busier than usual and my mind not quite where it should be. On to the poem...
So quickly has lone eagle spread her wings to glide beyond his head and leave behind this waddling duck who'd quacked when she had lost her pluck here molting... helped her leave her bed.
'by molting' or 'in molting' maybe? I find the rhythm and rhyme quite pleasant in this first verse. *smiles*
He flaps his wings in honor, sheds a tear of joy... but where he treads e'en webbed feet slip upon its muck so quickly.
Line 3 doesn't read as smoothly as the rest of the poem. What about 'his webbed feet slip upon slick muck' or some such. Adding 'slick' in place of 'the' enhances the description and alliteration.
He gains his balance; now he's steady, shakes his feathers, looks ahead then tries his flapping wings with pluck to join his fellows who've been struck by warming waters strewn with bread so quickly.
You have veered from your rhyme scheme in line one. Maybe... 'He gains his balance; now instead...'. You've already used 'pluck', did you mean to use it again? What about... 'then tries his flapping wings with luck...'? Just some thoughts for you to consider. Use or lose as you see fit. LOL
I enjoyed the read~ Cat
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Mar 22 07, 11:08
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Dear Daniel, You are as inventive as anyone I read and so when you write something I wouldn't, I decide it's likely to be me who is missing the trick. Since you mentioned it, the "steady", carrying the y over into the next line is a ploy I'd not even think of. Enjambment is a field I've not mastered. In fact, whenever I choose to use it, I find a second muse appears and they fight over it. My regular muse prefers rhyming couplets and word choices/punctuation that assign 4's to end rhymes (Timothy Steele). I realize real poetry holds emjambment high but then I write light verse and with the rondeau am at my best/worst in trying to write sing-song. I found the pronouns of interest too as the eagle is a she and the duck a he. Cheers, Ron jgd
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