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Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews _ Poetry Education -> Karnak Crossing _ Haiku

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Aug 3 03, 16:40

Haiku is one of the most important forms of traditional Japanese poetry. Haiku is, today, a 17-syllable verse form consisting of three metrical units of 5, 7, and 5 syllables respectively.

Haiku (in English) usually appears as an unrhymed three-line verse. It should balance intense, fragmentary imagery with stress on rhythm and sound. Though it can be presented in three lines, a haiku structurally consists of two parts with a pause in between. The power behind it derives from the juxtaposition of the two images and the sense of surprise or revelation that the second image produces. A good haiku is like a good joke: the set-up, then the punch line.

In the broadest sense,Haiku is about Nature. In Japan, most haiku have a season word (Spring, Summer, Autumn, Winter, New Years) that links the poem with the vast, archetypal round of the Year of Life. Today, in place of the season word, some contemporary haiku poets use keywords that express common themes of human experience (for example, "mother"). This, however, is a matter of controversy in modern haiku.

Some examples of tradition Haiku are listed below by Japanese Poet, Kobayashi Issa for you to enjoy.

in falling rain
one man remains...
blossom shade

the cherry blossoms
that stirred me, shade me
no more

through falling snow
a spring breeze
blows

have you come
to save us haiku poets?
red dragonfly



Please feel free to add to this thread your own haiku..
Mosaic Musings Staff

Posted by: Brahms Aug 28 03, 12:11

Seven sunrises
bumping up Tolt River Road
on the way to work.

A low gibbous moon
follows treetops and the bus
up the logging road.

Cascade eastwind blows
down long valley waking
young fir tips swaying.

I ride on logging roads
slippery with frost in the middle
of a sunrise fire.

Purpled pink hues pierce
frosted air to dance laketop
between mountain pairs.

Posted by: Aphrodite Aug 30 03, 06:52

QUOTE (Brahms @ Aug. 28 2003, 12:11)
Seven sunrises
bumping up Tolt River Road
on the way to work.

A low gibbous moon
follows treetops and the bus
up the logging road.

Cascade eastwind blows
down long valley waking
young fir tips swaying.

I ride on logging roads
slippery with frost in the middle
of a sunrise fire.

Purpled pink hues pierce
frosted air to dance laketop
between mountain pairs.

Hi Stephen~

Marvelously sweet and shining  sun.gif with colorful images!

Keep on writing!

Take care~

lovie.gif
Aphrodite (Lindi)

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Aug 30 03, 07:39

Nicely done Brahms!  :sun:

Look forward to reading more haiku from you!  :pharoah2

~Cleo  :pharoah:

Posted by: Morgan le Fay Aug 31 03, 22:09

A small collection:

Soft air, clear night skies
Katydids and crickets sing
Moonbeams stretch for miles

Raindrops glisten, fall,
Silver Spider's garden web
Tears of the twilight

The Blue Heron lands
A stately Pterodactyl
Ancient Oak limbs sway

Morgan le Fay
Mistress of Magic Wizard.gif

Posted by: Brahms Aug 31 03, 22:30

Very fine, Morgan, besides the 5-7-5 balance they so easily place me into the place and time you captured.  So good because that is part of the intention of haiku.  I shall be happy to share more of mine as I learn to ride the 3-1-2 balance, after I share my next poem.

Riding with new saddle,
Brahms

Posted by: Brahms Aug 31 03, 22:52

Pasture Waiting

Water cascading
thin stream into water trough
summer layers land.

Munching horses bow
delightful evening dusk
extra hay now gone.

Horse-trough goldfish rise
up wondering dancing flies
anyone care dance?

Setting sun deepens woods
light green leaves becoming gone
quiet rests the land.

Posted by: JustDaniel Sep 1 03, 07:28

Summer Leaves for Fall

sunned limbs twist inward,
packing up her trunk, leaving
memories to wind


© Daniel J Ricketts 01 Sept 2003

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Sep 1 03, 08:56

QUOTE (Brahms @ Aug. 31 2003, 23:30)
Very fine, Morgan, besides the 5-7-5 balance they so easily place me into the place and time you captured.  So good because that is part of the intention of haiku.  I shall be happy to share more of mine as I learn to ride the 3-1-2 balance, after I share my next poem.

Riding with new saddle,
Brahms

Hi Brahms.

In ALL the threads within "Karnak Crossing" - the 1:3:2 rule is NOT in effect. This is a learning forum and all the threads posted here do not have those 'rules' attached....

Cheers! dance.gif
~Cleo  :pharoah2

Posted by: JustDaniel Sep 11 03, 05:26

Hey, LorII! Speechless.gif

Try ignoring THIS one! farmer.gif


Strawberries Blonde

cut off their green hair;

bowl them over at knifepoint

to serve, cream-caked, whipped


© Daniel J Ricketts 11 Sept 2003

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Sep 11 03, 05:29

QUOTE (Just Daniel @ Sep. 11 2003, 06:26)
Hey, LorII! Speechless.gif

Try ignoring THIS one! farmer.gif


Strawberries Blonde

cut off their green hair;

bowl them over at knifepoint

to serve, cream-caked, whipped

© Daniel J Ricketts 11 Sept 2003

LOL.gif Daniel!  laugh.gif  sun.gif

Well, since I'm BLONDE AND I like starwberries, methinks me like!  dance.gif  Wizard.gif  Jester.gif

YUMMY!!!!! pumpkin.gif  Pharoah.gif

HUGAROOOOS!
~Cleo   pharoah2.gif

Posted by: Brahms Sep 11 03, 12:27

Low clouds scuttling
gentle dark and white
these Trappist men.

Trappist quiet
rainsong
on the pond.

Gentle rain
wetting yellow grass
men move inside!

Youthful purpose widens
child and mother distance
walking home.

A hermit bullfrog
bellows all his eveings
over monk's path.

Posted by: Jox Sep 11 03, 16:52

Hi,

One can also have a haiku cycle where there are several verses (stanzas if one prefers) and in which the first line of the one verse is the same as the last line of the previous - with a final wrap-round at the end, back to the beginning. Moreover, the concept should also by cyclical. I present one below. I seem to remember that I had a doubt about the exact syllable count - I can never seem to assess those correctly. However, basically it is a genuine haiku cycle (it was written for a class in which I was a student some years ago). I will re-post this for crit at some future point; I post it here as an example of a haiku cycle (although you may make any comment if you wish - feel free). It is also in the haiku tradition of observing nature and its changes. By the way, it really was inspired by watching my dogs leap into the air in futile attempts to catch flies.


© James Oxenholme 2003. I, James Oxenholme, hereby assert and give notice of my right under Section 77 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 (Law of Wales & England - as recognised by the international Berne Convention) to be identified as the author of the following article:
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The World's Dog Days
by Jox (Writing as JL - # 0025)

Subtitle: The Splendid Futility Haiku
(With acknowledgement to Wilfred Owen)

Dogs jumping for flies;
An ancient tree gently dies.
Summer fades each day.

Summer fades each day;
Ferns turn brown along the way.
Winter's coming soon.

Winter's coming soon;
Insects wrap in their cocoon.
The World hibernates.

The World hibernates;
Frosty hoar clings to the slates.
All is quiet now.

All is quiet now;
Snow covers every tree's bough.
Spring awaits its time

Spring awaits its time;
Magically, brown turns to lime.
The World in flourish.

The World in flourish;
Life everywhere to nourish.
The sun's rays give life.

The sun's rays give life;
Why have a World full of strife?
Dogs jumping for flies.

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Sep 11 03, 18:20

QUOTE (Jox @ Sep. 11 2003, 17:52)
Hi,

One can also have a haiku cycle where there are several verses (stanzas if one prefers) and in which the first line of the one verse is the same as the last line of the previous - with a final wrap-round at the end, back to the beginning. Moreover, the concept should also by cyclical. I present one below. I seem to remember that I had a doubt about the exact syllable count - I can never seem to assess those correctly. However, basically it is a genuine haiku cycle (it was written for a class in which I was a student some years ago). I will re-post this for crit at some future point; I post it here as an example of a haiku cycle (although you may make any comment if you wish - feel free). It is also in the haiku tradition of observing nature and its changes. By the way, it really was inspired by watching my dogs leap into the air in futile attempts to catch flies.


© James Oxenholme 2003. I, James Oxenholme, hereby assert and give notice of my right under Section 77 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 (Law of Wales & England - as recognised by the international Berne Convention) to be identified as the author of the following article:
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



-------------------------------------

The World's Dog Days
by Jox (Writing as JL)

Subtitle: The Splendid Futility Haiku
(With acknowledgement to Wilfred Owen)

Dogs jumping for flies;
An ancient tree gently dies.
Summer fades each day.

Summer fades each day;
Ferns turn brown along the way.
Winter's coming soon.

Winter's coming soon;
Insects wrap in their cocoon.
The World hibernates.

The World hibernates;
Frosty hoar clings to the slates.
All is quiet now.

All is quiet now;
Snow covers every tree's bough.
Spring awaits its time

Spring awaits its time;
Magically, brown turns to lime.
The World in flourish.

The World in flourish;
Life everywhere to nourish.
The sun's rays give life.

The sun's rays give life;
Why have a World full of strife?
Dogs jumping for flies.

WOW!  :artist:  :musicband:  :angel:

These are great! You've added another level to this form.

Wonderful!  :pharoah2  :cloud9:

Excellent sample as well!

Cheers!
~Cleo  :pharoah:  :fish:  :tigger:  :glitter:

Posted by: Sep 26 03, 01:50

Dear Jox

What'a all this about "I don't do poetic forms" !

This cycle is brilliant, and as said, takes us to a new level .....

Love
Alan

Posted by: Jox Sep 26 03, 13:39

Cleo and Alan,

Thank you very much indeed. I really only dabble in poetry whilst trying to be a successful novelist (ie have one published!). Even more rarely do I use a form - think this and my recent toilet are the only two, apart from a three-line odd hikau. I suspect that the only time I can write in form is when the whim (sounding like Cleo now!) provides me with a strong tale to tell. Anything weaker and it has to be free-form.

Still, I have the scissors here and will be cutting your very flattering comments off the screen and framing them on the wall.

Thank you. Jox.

Posted by: Cybele Oct 20 03, 03:24

Good Morning to all wave.gif

Since this is my first visit to Haiku and since it is a form I have never yet tried, I address this to the inspirational pieces I have read here.

I ride on logging roads
slippery with frost in the middle
of a sunrise fire.                          

Horse-trough goldfish rise
up wondering dancing flies
anyone care dance?                    

Youthful purpose widens
child and mother distance
walking home.



Stephen these are wonderful mind pictures. I see them so clearly through your eyes. smart.gif

Soft air, clear night skies
Katydids and crickets sing
Moonbeams stretch for miles  


Morgan - of all your lovely pieces, I absolutely love this one. I take it Katydids are some kind of cicada (what a wonderful name!)  Wizard.gif


The World's Dog Days

James,

This whole cycle is very, very lovely.  The whole work causes emotional reactions in me, and I'm sure in everyone else who reads it. sun.gif


Love and congratulations to you all

Grace farmer.gif

Posted by: Cybele Oct 20 03, 03:30

Hello Daniel,

Summer Leaves for Fall

QUOTE
sunned limbs twist inward,
packing up her trunk, leaving
memories to wind



Clever use of colour to illustrate this one Daniel and a great image of Autumn's end. Juggle.gif


Cheers

Grace farmer.gif

Posted by: Jox Oct 20 03, 04:08

Grace; most kind of you (as always!). Thank you very much. That's one of the nicest things anyone has said about my writing. Keeps one going and all that. So, if anyone asks why I'm still turning out poems when I should shut up I'll blame you!

Again, thank you Grace. I really appreciate what you said.

Strangely, I have just been replying to a crit of that very poem (I have posted it in the poetry crit area now). So if you wish to take a look please feel free to do so.

James.

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Oct 20 03, 07:15

This is coming along nicely!  :)

Although I must admit that this one:

I ride on logging roads
slippery with frost in the middle
of a sunrise fire.                          

Is not Haiku (too many syllables per line) although it is pretty!  :sun: Brahms - would you like to re-write that one perhaps so it's 5/7/5?

Cheers!
~Cleo  :pharoah:

Posted by: Jox Oct 20 03, 08:02

Hi,

Brahams is arguing (see his crit of my Hikau cycle in the crit area) that 5/7/5 is merely a recent American constraint on the Haiku - nothing to do with the original Japanese. I am trying to find out more. He says 5/?/5 is the proper original Japanese format. Of course I hope he is right but if I - or anyone out there - can find evidence either way it would be useful.

J.

Posted by: Oct 26 03, 09:33

Haiku - THE RINGER
(A Tragedy In 17 Syllables)

This morning I rang
To ask you to marry me
But you were engaged .......

Alan McAlpine Douglas

Posted by: JustDaniel Oct 26 03, 16:25

Here's one to break many of the 'rules' I've read of haiku:  titled, rhyming, acrostic, unseasoned: Speechless.gif

S.O.S.

see a ding-a-ling
overkill this haiku thing;
scant impressioning


© M Lee Dickens’ son 26 Oct 2003

Lightly, Daniel  sun.gif

Posted by: Michelle Oct 26 03, 20:27

This is my first haiku.  A very knowledgeable
poet taught me his expectations of a haiku
and I wrote this hoping to impress him.  lol



bushy tail fox hides
green field camouflages frog
perilous limelight

Posted by: JustDaniel Oct 27 03, 00:11

Bushed Fox?

vixen’s hoary tail
camouflaged nothing from frog;
who visits who’s pad?


© M Lee Dickens’ son 26 October 2003

Posted by: Oct 27 03, 02:26

The (Dahl-iesque) F R G

Take nothing from frog
and you spawn new word thus : frg.
Unpronouncable .....

Alan McAlpine Douglas

Posted by: JustDaniel Oct 27 03, 06:09

QUOTE (Alan @ Oct. 27 2003, 01:26)
The (Dahl-iesque) F R G

Take nothing from frog
and you spawn new word thus : frg.
Unpronouncable .....

Alan McAlpine Douglas

Hey Alan, you're in the wrong thread.  You're not supposed to extract frog's clothes or anything else in this one!!

Haven't we disgust this before?  Wall.gif

fall's frog in my throat,
slugs in nasal passages;
lungs drown in refuse


sLightly congested, Daniel  sun.gif

Posted by: Michelle Oct 27 03, 19:30

Tadpole grows strong legs
Surmounts pond, embarks on land
Splash! wash dust from back

Posted by: JustDaniel Oct 28 03, 00:12

how about silly senryu?

Whether one hump
or two its always perfect
here on camel lot


© Daniel J Ricketts 29 Jan 2003

Posted by: Cybele Oct 28 03, 01:06

First attempts at Haiku



from petrol droplets
swirling in a small puddle
A rainbow shines out

Sparrows in springtime
writing on telephone lines
their musical notes

In the pristine snow
birds tracking convict arrows
across the white lawn

Posted by: Oct 28 03, 02:26

Dear Grace

I prefer my haiku to be precisely 5-7-5, but that is not the only reason to LOVE your 3rd one :

In the pristine snow
birds tracking convict arrows
across the white lawn

What an image, what observation !

Love
Alan

Posted by: Cybele Oct 28 03, 02:38

Good Sir Knight knight.gif

Thank you for your kind comment.  :upside:  I see now the format involved and have corrected the first two. I think they now conform.  Haiku is great fun. Will attempt some more.


Love

Grace cloud9.gif wave.gif

Posted by: Cybele Oct 28 03, 02:50

Dear Alan knight.gif

QUOTE
Haiku - THE RINGER
(A Tragedy In 17 Syllables)

This morning I rang
To ask you to marry me
But you were engaged .......



Very clever, very poignant and very funny!! Jester.gif

Love

Grace

Posted by: Cybele Oct 28 03, 02:58

Hi Michelle wave.gif

I just love how Haiku can say so much in so few words.

bushy tail fox hides
green field camouflages frog
perilous limelight


This is a complete story.  I think these Haiku could easily give birth to full length poems.

Yours is very inspirational!! dance.gif  :read:

Love
Grace farmer.gif

Posted by: Michelle Oct 28 03, 03:13

Grace,  it's hard to believe this is your first haikus!  Wonderful!

All three are very good.  I like the third the best though.  

Great job!


Michelle


ooops,  thank you too for your kind words.

Posted by: Oct 28 03, 03:29

To the 12 minute double haiku-ist, aka Grace !

From my post to your brillaint corrections in less than 12 mins ! Who knows how many elapsed before you even saw my comment !

Now I LOVE all three.

You have an observational ability that I really enjoy, keep it up !

Love
Alan

PS and thanks for your comment on mine too !

Posted by: Jox Oct 28 03, 03:34

Hello, excellent haikus everyone... good show.

Talking of "good show" - just a technical point which many of you might already know - so apologies if I am only telling you again. However...

It is "Quite Interesting" that the word "limelight" comes from the theatre. In the days before electric lighting, stage hands used to burn lime to illuminate the stage. This cast an eerie green glow upon the thespians. From then onwards, actors were said to "be in the limelight". So "wanting to be in the limelight" means that one wishes to be on show etc. Ok, everyone knew that? Well I've done no harm then! And I enjoyed my moment in the limelight.

Toodle Pip, J.

PS I knew that Michelle would like that "foxtail" reference!

Posted by: JustDaniel Oct 28 03, 07:25

Thanks for the info, Jax.  I for one never understood the "limelight" thing, never having experienced it!

It occurred to me this morning that the appropriate sentence for the California arsonists, should they find them might be the following:

Punishment Fits Crime

west coast arsonists
seem to long for the limelight;
burn them at the stake


© M Lee Dickens' son 28 Oct 2003
devil.gif


And Grace, exquisite stuff!  I hope you'll forgive this take-off (I know; it burned up before landing! )  blush21.gif

ICU Phone Home

wintering sparrows
lined up itinerary;
crossed wires – last fryday


© M Lee Dickens' son 28 Oct 2003
devil.gif

Posted by: Cybele Oct 28 03, 09:13

Hi Daniel,

Thank you for your comments dance.gif

After reading your last two offerings I think you should choose a new pen name, how about Jean D'Arc?  Might be a good time to stake your claim to this one.

Cheers
Grace Speechless.gif

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Oct 28 03, 09:44

Just so no one gets confused, this tile is for the serious HAIKU postings.

We have dubbed Alan's "Extraction Haiku tile" as the one for comedic haiku.

Thanks all!

~Cleo  Pharoah.gif

Posted by: Oct 28 03, 10:17

Dear Cleo

Ha, I have a problem : My haiku, while I hope funny, usually have a serious intent behind them. So do I post twice ?

love
Alan

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Oct 28 03, 10:42

QUOTE (Alan @ Oct. 28 2003, 10:17)
Dear Cleo

Ha, I have a problem : My haiku, while I hope funny, usually have a serious intent behind them. So do I post twice ?

love
Alan

Sure - why not?  :cowboy:  :grinning:  :read:  :viking:

Posted by: Cybele Oct 28 03, 11:20

Having started writing Haiku, I now can't stop... help!!!



borne on the spindrift
a seagull feather takes flight
without its owner

footsteps skip lightly
child carrying a balloon
after the party

sepulchral ship's horn
attempting to pierce the fog
seeking safe harbour

laughing impishly
grand daughter tickles my cheek
with butterfly kiss

tipsy butterflies
dreamily drunk on pollen
all their curtailed lives

through the woodland trees
Snow Moon points bone-white fingers
at nodding snowdrops

the swing still moving
she has run away laughing
but she is still missed

soapy bubbles fly
puppy, tiring of the chase
flops down, falls asleep

Posted by: Oct 28 03, 11:59

Dear Grace

"I now can't stop... help!!!"

Answer : GOOD !

Out of these 8, there were only about 7 I liked. Some I even loved, they give such a concise pinpoint pen picture.

May I suggest ship's horn ? alliteration !

Grace has haiku bug :
she is occupied painting
pinpoint pen pictures .....

Love
Alan

Posted by: Michelle Oct 28 03, 12:37

James,  thank you for the information.  I had no idea
of its origin.  You've taught me something today. dance.gif

Grace, your haiku are wonderful.  I especially like:


tipsy butterflies
dreamily drunk on pollen
all their curtailed lives

I find this one has great depth.

I dug up another one of mine.



Salmon fights current
Berries lead black bear to stream
Fated compulsions

Posted by: Cybele Oct 28 03, 13:04

Hello Michelle,

Such a wonderful mind picture.  I wish I was there with my camera. I am crazy about photographing wildife and this is the nearest I shall ever get to a grizzly. You have taken me right into this picture. Thank you  cloud9.gif

Love

Grace farmer.gif  sun.gif

Posted by: Cybele Oct 28 03, 13:10

Hello Alan knight.gif

Thank you.  I never could distinguish between ship and boat. Certainly sounds much better now.

This is great fun. I'm sure some of these will lead on to poems, but I am having great fun writing them.

Thanks to you and Michelle for the encouragement.

Love

Grace  :farmer:  :cloud9:

Posted by: Oct 28 03, 17:47

Dear Grace

"I never could distinguish between ship and boat"

Nor can half the nation, there is a correspondence going on in the D Telegraph just now on this very point.

Bit like the Q "What's the difference between a dog and a flea ?" - "Well, a dog can have fleas, but ....." - generally, a ship can have boats .....



Love
Alan

Posted by: Brahms Oct 28 03, 16:14

New pasture bride-way
600 foot mud puppies
from wetland to here.

Posted by: Oct 28 03, 17:53

Dear Brahms

Not being in the least a country boy, I have to ask

1.  what is a bride-way, or do you poss mean bridLe-way ?

2.  What's a mud puppy ?


Love
Alan

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Oct 28 03, 18:14

Merging into HAIKU thread.....

Nicely done!
Pharoah.gif

Posted by: JustDaniel Oct 29 03, 08:04

Hey, Grace, you're a natural!  Sorry I'm so unnatural!  I guess that's why I created my own form, HeadCase Haiku!  Sorry, LorII for my cowpie-ing this thread... but looks like someone else just did too? oops.gif

casting rays of joy
sweet voice awakens day’s sun;
laughter lingers long


© Daniel J Ricketts 24 March 2003

Posted by: Nov 2 03, 14:02

WASTE, OR WAIST ?

Hallowe'en's over:
Trick is with leftover treats,
Wouldn't want to waist .....

Alan Mcalpine Douglas

Posted by: JustDaniel Nov 3 03, 03:39

fall of dignity

trees refuse to leave;
they’ll cast costume to the wind,
stand stark, arms outstretched


© Daniel J Ricketts 03 Nov 2003

Posted by: JustDaniel Nov 6 03, 15:15

fall beclouds

shadowing daylight,
then reigning o’er noon’s parade,
what be fall’s clouds? mist?

befogging our daze,
they loft, leave a cirrusly
cumulous affect

feigning memories
their wisp a ring in silence
as they diminish

leaving trees baring
shivering limbs with trunks packed,
but nowhere to go.


© Daniel J Ricketts 04 Oct 2003

Posted by: Cybele Nov 8 03, 00:27

December roses
brave the kiss of falling snow
with  sweet submission



Grace

Posted by: JustDaniel Nov 8 03, 09:32

QUOTE (Cybele @ Nov. 07 2003, 23:27)
December roses
brave the kiss of falling snow
with  sweet submission

Grace

My muse has twisted words again, Grace!

Quiet Resign

cold North Sea sailors
immerse themselves deeply in
covert sub mission


© M Lee Dickens’ son 08 Nov 2003

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Nov 9 03, 08:41

Nice reading in here!  Read.gif

OK - I'll try one!

Whispers of the wind
waltz in perfect unison
with rhythmic motion.

Posted by: Cybele Nov 9 03, 09:26

QUOTE
Whispers of the wind
waltz in perfect unison
with rhythmic motion.



Nice alliteration Lori, evoking the whoosh of the wind.


Aquilegias stand
like tall, elegant ladies
in smart, pink bonnets


This is fun!  :dance:  :dance:

Posted by: JustDaniel Nov 10 03, 01:48

sign: Custard's Last Stand
ice cream drive-in furthest south
at the Jersey Shore

dance.gif sLightly askew, if you ask me, Daniel  sun.gif

Posted by: JustDaniel Nov 12 03, 02:25

mirrors

wakened, squinting eyes’

vengeful mourning reflection

getting back at me


© Daniel J Ricketts 12 Nov 2003

Posted by: Cybele Nov 30 03, 08:48

unmourned,  with throats cut
on the fresh-mown Summer lawn
murdered daisies lie



Grace

Posted by: JustDaniel Nov 30 03, 13:00

How un-Graceful, Cybele!  wave.gif

poetic just is

stirring in your wake
as you chuckle off to bed
is pay-back enough


©M Lee Dickens’ son 30 Nov 2003

Posted by: Cybele Nov 30 03, 13:36

Hi Daniel,

Sorry, I just always feel so sorry for the daisies!

Sad2.gif Sad2.gif

Love

Grace  Sad2.gif

Posted by: Cybele Dec 1 03, 08:29

on the log cabin
ice crystals hanging from eaves
rainbowed by the sun

Posted by: JustDaniel Dec 1 03, 14:00

jack’s flap house crystal

in jack’s Log Cabin
crystallized maple syrup
wreaked havoc on pour


© Daniel J Ricketts 01 Dec 2003

Posted by: Cybele Dec 6 03, 03:41

my head tilted back
to catch  raindrops on my cheeks
end of Summer’s drought


Grace

Posted by: JustDaniel Dec 18 03, 18:10

Hi, Grace!  Lovely, indeed!

When you posted this, I was painfully suffering through my last day at the hospital on the CPM machine... with a newly discovered bed sore... and twelve hours later was transferred to the rehab hospital.  

I'd love to have been able to read you poem then.  I love summer rain!  Thank you.

past the bend

running was my bent…
such pressure… fell to my knees;
limped through Guide’s strait gait


© Daniel J Ricketts 18 Dec 2003

Posted by: Cybele Dec 19 03, 01:17

Good Morning Daniel, wave.gif

How lovely to hear from you.  I have been thinking of you and praying everything went well with your operation.  Not the dreaded bedsores! huh.gif
I know exactly how this feels. I suffered badly from them after acquiring my new hip.

I hope your recovery will be very speedy and that you will at least be comfortable for Christmas.  xmas.gif

Glad you liked that one. In 1976 we had the longest Summer drought of all time. On 31st July in rained for the first time in about 5 months after a scorching Summer. It rained so hard that within 2 minutes the roads were flooded to a depth of about 6 inches because the drains were full of dust and couldn't cope with the sudden deluge. People were dancing in the rain! cloud9.gif

Summer slinks away
hidden by autumnal mist
unseen, unnoticed


Love and best wishes to you Daniel


Grace


Snowflake.gif  Reindeer.gif  xmas.gif  king.gif   king.gif  king.gif

Posted by: Dec 19 03, 02:34

Dear Grace

Quite lovely !

Lets see if I can respond :


WHIMPERS

Summer slinks away
hidden by autumnal mist
unseen, unnoticed

Autumn, fading, hides
its many hues and colours :
blanketed, banked, blanked.

Shush, speak not of slush;
winter's end fills busy drains,
green springs sprout afresh

Spring's dated newness
fades, all cloaked by greenery;
Earth, primed, produces .....

Grace Galton  (verse 1)
Alan McAlpine Douglas (verses 2-4)

Posted by: Cybele Dec 19 03, 03:13

Good Morning Alan, knight.gif

Great response!

 
WHIMPERS

Summer slinks away
hidden by autumnal mist
unseen, unnoticed

Autumn, fading, hides
its many hues and colours :
blanketed, banked, blanked.

Shush, speak not of slush;
winter's end fills busy drains,
green springs sprout afresh

Spring's dated newness
fades, all cloaked by greenery;
Earth, primed, produces .....

a Summer meadow
dappled with blood red poppies
where the skylarks rise


Grace Galton  (verse 1 and 5)
Alan McAlpine Douglas (verses 2-4)

Posted by: Jox Dec 19 03, 03:42

Hi Grace,

unmourned,  with throats cut
on the fresh-mown Summer lawn
murdered daisies lie


I'm with you! (I don't mow interesting flowers out).

All these veggies and tidy gardeners massacring all the plants.

Anyway, a jolly good Haiku 'twas - and back to the original Japanese theme of nature.

on the log cabin
ice crystals hanging from eaves
rainbowed by the sun


Lovely, pastoral and very evocative.

my head tilted back
to catch  raindrops on my cheeks
end of Summer’s drought


Great for today's murky day... good job we can share it; I'm tempted to let Daniel have it for his pains (Hi Daniel! Welcome back) but I don't need to... you've given it to us all. Thank you.

1976 - I remember it well - we called in native American shamen to dispel the heat and encourage the rain. What a terrible Summer! I love saunas - but I also love to step out of them.

And yet another fine poem!

Some other excellent poems on here from Daniel and Alan and others but I think yours strike especially true for me, Grace. Absolutly fantastic!

Well done to all.

James.

Posted by: JustDaniel Dec 26 03, 12:19

Agreeing with James' assessment...

we now move from the sublime to the ridiculous:

lashed words in tasty mint

‘tis grace to right wrongs
but graceless to write them down;
wronged rite ~ o bit tongue


© M Lee Dickens’ son 26 Dec 2003  

offered Lightly, Daniel  sun.gif

Posted by: Cybele Jan 11 04, 05:06

still wrapped in your love
tears dry on my cheeks, pain salved;
hold me forever

Posted by: Jan 11 04, 05:32

Dear Grace

Loved the haiku, and can respond with a few on the same subject, very much with you and Ralph in mind .....



Still, rapt in our love,
my cheeks tearless, salvation
holds us forever.

Though flesh will perish,
the glowing raptures we know
cannot be ruptured.

From beyond the grave,
there's levity in your voice;
I know your laughter .....

Physically gone :
gravity may own your bones;
I've the real you, still .....


Love
Alan

Posted by: Cybele Jan 11 04, 06:08



Good Sir Knight knight.gif

Thank you for your empathy and beautiful, responsive haiku, I have saved them to read whenever I need to.

20th December 2003

gold- rimmed clouds today;
the last perfect sky we see
together my love


Love

Grace

Posted by: Cybele Jan 14 04, 03:40

albino badger
viewed in a floodlit garden;
crunches ginger nuts


Posted by: JustDaniel Jan 16 04, 21:34

if you'll pardon an askew senryu...

painting outside…

the yellow paint dries
arcing in dots from the lane
where I’d passed line truck


© M Lee Dickens’ son 16 Jan 2004

Posted by: Cybele Jan 17 04, 02:26

Good Morning Daniel,

A very vivid picture indeed. I assume these are the central road lines dividing lanes? Ours are white,yellow being reserved for No Parking areas.


Millie the farm horse
her big brown eyes begging me;
any mints today?

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Jan 17 04, 08:56

Warm sun glistens frost
on a brisk morning of hope;
Can you feel the air?


Posted by: JustDaniel Jan 18 04, 04:45

Interactive Haiku, anyone?

Millie the farm horse
her big brown eyes begging me;
any mints today?

- cybelle

any mints today?
only snow-crusted apples
warm sun glistens frost


- Daniel

Warm sun glistens frost
on a brisk morning of hope;
Can you feel the air?

- Cleo

can you feel the air?
it’s glistering with snow flakes
breathed out from above


- Daniel

Posted by: Jan 18 04, 04:54

Dear Daniel

can you feel the air?
it’s glistering with snow flakes
breathed out from above

breathed out from above
God's seasons each in its turn
except Florida

Love
Alan

Posted by: JustDaniel Jan 18 04, 07:24

QUOTE (Alan @ Jan. 18 2004, 03:54)
Dear Daniel

can you feel the air?
it’s glistering with snow flakes
breathed out from above

breathed out from above
God's seasons each in its turn
except Florida

Love
Alan

state of the south

accept Florida;
you can if you concentrate:
frozen?  orange juice!


© Daniel J Ricketts 18 Jan 2004

Lightly snowed,
Love, Daniel  sun.gif

Posted by: Jan 18 04, 07:32

Dear Daniel

You had me LOLling about "! A what a title !



Brazen orange juice
is served with or without "bits",
always in yer face .....

Love
Alan

Posted by: Cybele Jan 18 04, 07:45

Dear Daniel, wave.gif

Not to spoil your initiative. Just trying to write again.

in the hushed woodland  
Snow Moon points bone-white fingers;
snowdrops nod gently


Grace

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Jan 18 04, 08:54

OOOhhhhhhhh  grinning.gif

This looks fun!  sings.gif

Ok:

in the hushed woodland  
Snow Moon points bone-white fingers;
snowdrops nod gently

Grace


Snowdrops nod gently
spredding white dust over trees;
Pines give 'thanks' for coat.

Cleo



Posted by: JustDaniel Jan 18 04, 17:18

Pineys: Thanks fer coat!
collar always in yer face,
snowdrops gnawed gently

deLightin' in y'all  :sun:

Posted by: Cybele Jan 19 04, 03:02

Hi Daniel,

Still not able to think of witty follow-ons at present, so please skip over this one and continue the fun.


full moon regarding
its pale face in icy pond;
true mirrored image


Love

Grace

Posted by: JustDaniel Jan 21 04, 07:13

Well!!!  I never!  Moon us, will ya, Grace!?

pale moon

wan-skinned grace… she mooned
from icy stair, pond… er…ring,
both lobes reflecting


© M Lee Dickens’ son (Daniel) 21 Jan 2004

Light cheekily, Daniel  sun.gif

Posted by: Cybele Jan 22 04, 03:06


onslaught of winter
sprinkle of fine dandruff;
the scarecrow buckles  

Posted by: JustDaniel Jan 22 04, 04:51

QUOTE (Cybele @ Jan. 22 2004, 02:06)

onslaught of winter
sprinkle of fine dandruff;
the scarecrow buckles  

Awesome piece, Grace...and I got your note.  Thank you for sharing; my heart is with you in the transition.  Please feel free to email me?

... and I feel the grief in your haiku, Grace...

winter slaps my face;
darkness now shrouded in white
soon melts to new life


© Daniel J Ricketts 22 Jan 2004

sharin' de Light in darkness, Daniel  sun.gif

Posted by: Dove Jan 24 04, 18:01

The sweetness of full,
orange nectarines turns purple;
the sun and moon waltz.

Posted by: JustDaniel Jan 27 04, 09:01

Con sensual

Lust posing as love
turning a world inside out;
bad feels good, pure dull.

Posted by: Cybele Jan 28 04, 03:45

winter stars glitter. .
sailor blows warmth in cupped hands
dreaming of hot tea



Grace

Posted by: Dove Jan 28 04, 15:04

Purple violets
are warmed by children's laughter
and the orange sunlight.

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Jan 28 04, 20:38

Flakes fall ubiased
sprinkling kisses of cool love
to warm a shy smile.

Posted by: Cybele Jan 29 04, 01:42

Good Morning Dove and Cleo, wave.gif

Two lovely pieces, one colourful and cheery - the other soothing and loving.


bouffant snowflakes swirl,
the yellow-eyed cat crouches
beneath a green car


Love

Grace cloud9.gif

Posted by: Athena Jan 29 04, 02:05

Delightful, Grace!

Won't you come and try our new interactic haiku, too?

Blessings,
Dolly     dance.gif

Posted by: Cybele Jan 30 04, 02:07

Hello Dolly,

Thank you for your kind words.  I shall keep looking in on the inter-active haiku and I will certainly join in again as soon as I feel able. At present though I am finding it a little hard to communicate in the true spirit of camaraderie and don't wish to spoil the fun for others.

If I see one I feel I can tag on to without depressing everybody I shall.

Love

Grace wave.gif

Posted by: Cybele Jan 30 04, 03:35

the snow covered roof
of the garden bird table;
robins dining out

Posted by: Athena Jan 31 04, 06:32

After The Snow

the showers pour down
cleansing the earth of all grime
making rivers pure

© D R Harris - 31 Jan 2004

Posted by: Cybele Feb 7 04, 02:10

serene winter evening
moonbeams inch across my chair
bathing me in peace

Posted by: Feb 7 04, 02:39

Dear Grace

The serenity shines through, quiet (I would say "loud") and clear - lovely.

Love
Alan

Posted by: Athena Feb 7 04, 03:11

Oh Lady Grace,

This poem is marvelously full of peace and beauty.  In so few words you've created a whole attitude in this reader.  I wish I'd written it!    cloud9.gif

Hugs,
Dolly      butterfly.gif

Posted by: Cybele Feb 7 04, 03:34

Hello Dolly  sings.gif  and Good Sir Knight knight.gif

Thank you for your kind words. A good evening yesterday inspired this piece.

As John Denver so rightly says

"Some days are diamonds, some days are stone."
Love

Grace
dove.gif

Posted by: Feb 7 04, 04:17

PROGRESS REPORT

She's talking at last !
Pleasure marks infant's progress :
I wish she'd shut up !

Alan McAlpine Douglas

Posted by: Cybele Feb 7 04, 12:17

Good Sir Knight,

Great piece Alan - and oh! so true LOL.gif

Love

Grace

Posted by: Cybele Feb 8 04, 04:22

lacy tracery
winter skeletons of trees;
a Robin chirrups

Posted by: Feb 8 04, 04:34

Haiku - ETERNAL HARBINGER

A robin chirrups
in bleak winter's deepest heart :
hope springs  .....

Alan McAlpine Douglas

Posted by: Cybele Feb 10 04, 13:42

captured by headlights
hailstones click on the windscreen-
ninety miles to go

Posted by: Athena Feb 13 04, 01:56

when doves flying low
watch windshield very closely
may reap true bird brain

© D R Harris - 12 February 2004
All rights reserved as an unpublished work.

Posted by: oskarthethird Feb 9 04, 03:56

Haiku (sea)

When dust of sunlight
Settles on the sea’s surface
It dreamily smiles.


Rainfall on the sea
A gentle windless day
Mood indigo.


Foam flecked sea
Galloping stallions chase dreams
On oceanic pampas.


Timid tears in a cove  
The old lovers sea and sky
Mourn their parting.

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Feb 13 04, 12:53

QUOTE (oskarthethird @ Feb. 09 2004, 03:56)
Haiku (sea)

When dust of sunlight
Settles on the sea’s surface
It dreamily smiles.


Rainfall on the sea
A gentle windless day
Mood indigo.


Foam flecked sea
Galloping stallions chase dreams
On oceanic pampas.


Timid tears in a cove  
The old lovers sea and sky
Mourn their parting.

Very beautiful Jan!

dance.gif  :lovie:

Posted by: Athena Feb 14 04, 04:47

I've really enjoyed reading all these lovely haiku, friend!!  By any chance, do you live near the sea, or at least, have a deep abiding love for the sea?  I know I sure do!

Good read, here!

Athena   Pharoah.gif

Posted by: Cybele Feb 14 04, 05:18

Oh Dolly! How sad! Sad2.gif


unblemished white lawn
on the line bright red track suit;
santa is dancing


(A bit late - but Christmas passed me by this year)

Posted by: Athena Feb 14 04, 05:22

Yes Grace, I see that!   laugh.gif

This one is really cute and you can post any season in any forum, ya know, I won't tell anyone!  

Hugs,
Dolly   sun.gif

Posted by: Cybele Feb 15 04, 04:34

pricked by a sharp thorn;
blood drips on the pure white rose,
ladybird takes flight

Posted by: Cybele Feb 18 04, 02:54

lace-edged waves stealing
kisses from the golden sand;
clouds climb the steep cliffs




Grace

Posted by: Feb 18 04, 02:58

Dear Grace

WOW what an image - didn't know I had it, but you speak to the romantic in me !

Love
Alan

Posted by: Cybele Feb 18 04, 03:57

Good morning good Sir Knight, knight.gif

Ah! There's a little romance in the depths of all souls Alan. Glad I found it in you!

Love

Grace cloud9.gif

Posted by: JustDaniel Feb 18 04, 05:37

knight.gif Good night,  sun.gif Ms Morning… it’s in all of us! lovie.gif


winter warm-up

white sheet covers her
where we’ll ride the morning sun;
starting engine now


© Daniel J Ricketts 18 Feb 2004

Posted by: Cybele Feb 19 04, 12:27

Hi Daniel wave.gif

QUOTE
winter warm-up

white sheet covers her
where we’ll ride the morning sun;
starting engine now


'ride the morning sun' Just beautiful. cloud9.gif


newsprint to footprint
banner headlines recycled;
bag lady moves on


Grace

Posted by: JustDaniel Feb 19 04, 17:36

Thank you, Grace.  Very nice piece here...

and I simply could not resist my impish muse's proddings:

watered-down news

newsprint to paw print;
banner screaming major leak
now bleeds with puppy’s


© Daniel J Ricketts 19 Feb 2004

Posted by: Athena Feb 20 04, 01:58

Oh, Daniel, that one is cute!  Funny!  I think only YOU and your muse could come up with that one, but it's good!   laugh.gif

Nature's Secrets

our trees sit idly
waiting for spring's warmth to come
their secrets silent

© D R Harris - 19 February 2004

Posted by: Cybele Feb 20 04, 04:27

Hello Dolly,

Very nice thought. Idle on the outside maybe, but working frantically internally to produce the next generation. More like a pregnant pause LOL.gif


suggestion of Spring -
gnarled autumn leaf cupping snow
caught in a time warp



Love

Grace

Posted by: Cybele Feb 20 04, 04:31

Good Morning Daniel, dance.gif


Oh! that puppy!! I can see his expression afterwards, conveying the

sentiment "What! Me?"

Simply lovely.

Love

Grace

Posted by: JustDaniel Feb 20 04, 10:19

Hey, Dolly and Grace!

Great stuff... and look what you've mused!

surprise season

pregnantly resting
lady tulips coil their spring
to give men a pause


© M Lee Dickens’son 20 Feb 2003

Posted by: Cybele Feb 21 04, 04:18

Hello Daniel,

Love the last line LOL.gif Shame it doesn't happen though   rofl.gif


silhouette heron
pensive on the water’s edge-
evanescing light





Grace

Posted by: JustDaniel Feb 21 04, 04:56

QUOTE (Cybele @ Feb. 21 2004, 03:18)
Hello Daniel,

Love the last line LOL.gif Shame it doesn't happen though   rofl.gif


silhouette heron
pensive on the water’s edge-
evanescing light

Grace

menopause doesn't give men a pause?  I thought it might!

Super haiku, Grace...

It gives me the perfect occasion to show everyone the difference between true haiku and my 'HeadCase Haiku' or faux-ku

wanton in drink

silly wet  heron
stands kung foo in dark… won ton
spooning a light bit


© Daniel J Ricketts 21 Feb 2004

Posted by: Cybele Feb 21 04, 08:24

Oh Daniel,  laugh.gif

QUOTE
silly wet  heron
stands kung foo in dark… won ton
spooning a light bit


You can always brighten my day with your faux-ku. What a wonderful sense of humour you have - I love it! sings.gif




nodding percherons
ploughing forty -acre field,
evening paradise



Love

Grace

Posted by: Athena Feb 22 04, 03:00

Heyyyy Everyone ..... these haiku are super!  Here's my latest:

Night Call

Dusk cools, primes for night;
nightfall comes bearing own warmth;
whispers from lovers

© D R Harris - 21 February 2004

Posted by: Cybele Feb 24 04, 02:50

Hello Dolly,

A truly lovely piece with great imagery of the lovers. cloud9.gif


riffling the pages,
wind reads my abandoned book
while I count daisies

Posted by: Athena Feb 25 04, 00:56

Oh Grace,

I LOVE your haiku!!  What a thought ... I could see and feel the breeze ... could gaze at the sky and those daisys, all though your well chosen words.
Wonderful!

My contribution for the day:

I heard you were dead;
knew rumors couldn't be true;
music will ne'er die

© D R Harris - 24 February 2004

Posted by: Cybele Feb 25 04, 02:08

Hello Dolly sings.gif


I heard you were dead;
knew rumors couldn't be true;
music will ne'er die
 



What alovely sentiment here
 cloud9.gif
 

iridescent dragonfly
a blue speck on the rushes-
twinkle in God’s eye



Grace   dove.gif

Posted by: Dove Mar 12 04, 04:08

Open night sky floats
and is bleached haphazardly
in streaks; the sun rises.

Posted by: Athena Mar 13 04, 03:09

The Good Ol' Days

Shopping for our needs
brings back fond mem'rys;
remember pennies?

© D R Harris - 12 March 2004

Posted by: Cybele Mar 14 04, 03:25


into the limelight;
enthusiastic stampede
small ballerinas!



Grace

Posted by: Cybele Mar 14 04, 03:28

Hi Dolly  wave.gif

may shadows never
darken the joy in your heart
everlasting love


Love and all my best wishes

Grace

Posted by: Mar 14 04, 03:35

Dear Grace,

I know this is not interactice, but inspiration knows no bounds :

Small ballerinas
locking horns, grow up moody :
prima donna cows !

Alan McAlpine Douglas

Posted by: Athena Mar 14 04, 17:31

Thank you so much, Lady Grace!  What a neat haiku!  Yessss ... everlasting love.


Everlasting love;
if love can last forever
we'll make it happen

© D R Harris - 14 March 2004


Yes, yes, I know this isn't the interactive thread, but I simply HAD to do it!:sun:

Posted by: Cybele Mar 15 04, 04:33


beside the old well
tonight: from his close-cupped hands
he gives her the moon



Grace

Posted by: Mar 15 04, 04:50

Dear Grace,

Lovely. and inspirational :

WEDDED BLITZ

He gives her the moon,
as asked; whole wish now unveiled :
she wants sun as well !

Alan McAlpine Douglas

PS. Hard to believe that I'm a dyed-in-the-wool optimist, innit ?

Posted by: Cybele Mar 15 04, 04:55

Get away with you Alan sun.gif  Speechless.gif

I know you are an old romantic at heart. Curmudgeon you are not!

Wimbledon fortnight
crucial point; on Centre Court
umbrellas blossom


Now that's not pessimism - that's fact! rofl.gif

Love

Grace

Posted by: Dove Mar 21 04, 00:15

Two Lovers Warming in the Rain


Night; black-eyed susans
curl on the damp, treeless ground
with warm sunflowers.

Posted by: Dove Mar 25 04, 00:56

Cooling the Local Fauna


Soft sand, blending beach
is the aphrodisiac
for a time worn kiss.

Posted by: Cybele Apr 11 04, 08:00

sultry summer night -
breeze riffling across the pond
fracturing the moon




Cybele

Posted by: Cybele Apr 17 04, 02:08

 crack in the blue vase;
slowly creeping pool doubling
the star-bright daisies




Grace

Posted by: Cybele Apr 26 04, 02:33

caught in my headlights
legs atremble - startled faun;
heart-stopping silence




Cybele

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Apr 26 04, 05:12

Ohhh Grace!

Was this a real incident! That must be scary!:(

Glad it inspired your muse at least! laugh.gif

Cheers!
~Cleo

Posted by: Apr 26 04, 07:16

Dear Grace,

Remindsme of a story told me by a lady who used to live in Bristol. At a Ladies Lunch, one guest was late.

Eventually she can rushing in, quite excited, and said that on her way down from the hills where she lived, she had come round a bend and almost shit a heap .....

Love
Alan

Posted by: Cybele Apr 26 04, 08:10

Dear Cleo and Alan, sun.gif

Yes, this actually happened one misty morning when I was driving across the Blackdown Hills in Somerset.

He was so beautiful and frightened - and I was just frightened,  Jester.gif  and then mesmerized.  medusa.gif

We stayed that way for about 3 or 4 minutes before he scented mum and went wobbling off to her.  One of those exquisite moments you never forget.
Love

Grace

cloud9.gif

Posted by: Cybele May 8 04, 08:31

childhood's summer days;
lemonade and cherry jam
on thick, buttered toast!



Grace

Posted by: JustDaniel Jun 9 04, 05:02

QUOTE (Cybele @ May 08 2004, 08:31)
childhood's summer days;
lemonade and cherry jam
on thick, buttered toast!


Grace

May such thought never sit unnoticed for so long, Grace... lest the children get food poisoning!

hiking and wading
endless days, no desk, no school
at Point Defiance


deLightedly, Daniel  sun.gif

Posted by: Cybele Jul 4 04, 03:44

a golden meadow
dappled with blood red poppies
a skylark rises


Grace

Posted by: JustDaniel Jul 4 04, 05:12

wave.gif Hi, Grace! cheer.gif

a heavy waking

lightened by colorful words;

inspiration dawns



much Lighter, Daniel sun.gif

Posted by: Cybele Jul 11 04, 02:28


A sight remembered from my youth

Harold loves Kathleen
etched in this ancient tree trunk;
transient promise.


Incidentally Daniel, I believe that haiku about people is called renyu. Is that correct?

Posted by: JustDaniel Jul 11 04, 04:07

a dubious factoid out of nowhere:

senryu, methinks
is unseasonal haiku...
at least in my book

... but my book's unread
for fear that in publishing
I'd find that I'm wrong

Posted by: JustDaniel Jul 11 04, 04:20

... and a little faux-ku:

ill winds

seasons come and go
but garlic stays forever
on unwary breath

Posted by: heartsong7 Jul 17 04, 19:37

My Haiku rhyme...is that permitted?

Flutters

Golden butterfly
fans spring flowers with her sigh
as she flutters by.

Posted by: JustDaniel Jul 18 04, 01:58

for haiku purists, rhyme, titles, complete sentences are faux pas.  Haiku is a glimpse, includes seasons and passage of time and has a break after either first or second line.

All that is my impression from reading various sites.

My faux-ku, however, require word play and a title ( with word play included in it as well! ) and care not whether other poetic devices are used.  I'm a renegade.

In true haiku, however, yours might say something like this (I think):

golden butterfly
fanned spring flowers sigh
heart flutters


Lightly caring lest I lead someone 'astray'  ... Daniel  sun.gif

Posted by: heartsong7 Jul 19 04, 13:07

Thanks for the info. Daniel...I'm no purest...so will go for your faux-ku. I like that.  dance.gif


Fireflies

Sultry summer night
fireflies flicker fiery light
fill us with delight

Posted by: JustDaniel Jul 20 04, 03:35

hmmm...

Well, that noe does not meet the muster of faux-ku, I'm afraid.  Word-play is ESSENTIAL in the body and the title.  Its originator insists!  Speechless.gif

Methinks your "fiery" is redundant and your last line is a bit mundane?  Rhyme in three short lines could be a bit cutesy also, don't you think?  Probably why most wirters shun it.  Believe me, I love rhyme, especially with metrical pieces, but it doesn't bode well usually in free or form pieces, usually.

Here's another attempt at true haiku:

ivy tendrils reach
greeting warmer skies;
honeysuckle twines


© Daniel J Ricketts 20 July 2004

Posted by: heartsong7 Jul 20 04, 07:13

Daniel...

QUOTE
Rhyme in three short lines could be a bit cutesy also, don't you think?  Probably why most wirters shun it.

I really appreciate that honest appraisal...it's the most truly knowledgeable input I've had.
Thank you  :pharoah2
Sue

Posted by: heartsong7 Jul 20 04, 08:07

its harder not to rhyme.  :wall:

sultry summer night
tiny fireflies flicker by
like stardust sprinkles

Posted by: JustDaniel Jul 20 04, 11:58

I think you're right!

Again, I ain't no expert, but I think removing simile in L2 would be more haiku... and give duality in the process:

stardust sprinkles   [ thus referring to the actual stars and to the butterflies ]

Now here's a faux-ku, just to chuckle at... with a bit of the haiku flavor, methinks:

fleet purchase

Mercury plunges
lapping up Nike wing-tips;
spring sale afoot


© Daniel J Ricketts 20 July 2004

Posted by: heartsong7 Jul 20 04, 13:31

Daniel...good one  :pharoah2 I really like your Faux-ku.
you have a sharp wit to pull it off so well.

re: the fireflies...I wondered about the simile even as I wrote it. How about this way...

sultry summer nights
flirting fireflies flicker by
sprinkling stardust lights

egads!..it still rhymes!  :speechless:
oh well...that's it for now.
gotta go.
Seeya,
Sue

Posted by: JustDaniel Jul 20 04, 13:47

Thank you, Sue.  I love the faux-ku form... but then it IS my own.  :)

As to your rhyming line, the 'lights' is unnecessary, and if you look further at my suggestion, you'll find that 'sprinkles' there is both a noun and a verb, thus the duality.

You do NOT have to have 5 syllables.  The American "rule" is 5-7-5 or LESS.  And the better rule is probably 2 beats / 3 beats / 2 beats.  Make sense?

sharin' what Light I have, Daniel  :sun:

Posted by: heartsong7 Jul 20 04, 14:19

QUOTE
You do NOT have to have 5 syllables.  The American "rule" is 5-7-5 or LESS.  And the better rule is probably 2 beats / 3 beats / 2 beats
.  
Ahh so, I see, says she.  
I did not know that. That sheds a whole new light for me.  :sun:
Thanks muchly.
Sue


hot summer night
flirty fireflies flicker by
stardust sprinkles


starlight sprinkles
sparkling sliver sprays at night
moon shines high beams


moon beams
light dancing
ripplets

Posted by: heartsong7 Jul 20 04, 14:34

two vines intertwine
berries plant a juicy kiss
on each budding rose

Posted by: heartsong7 Jul 23 04, 12:15

songs of love-drunk frogs
echo throughout swampy woods
as night pulls dark shades

Posted by: JustDaniel Jul 27 04, 03:43

Allow me to edit:

QUOTE (heartsong7 @ July 23 2004, 12:15)
songs of love-drunk frogs
echo throughout swampy woods;  
night pulls dark shades

How's that, Susan?  [ though I think 'through' would be better, personally. ]

Think of two related, simultaneous snapshots rather than one continuous thought.  K?

deLightingly, Daniel  sun.gif

Posted by: Cybele Jul 27 04, 04:19

Hi Daniel and heartsongs7. wave.gif  :wave:

What a wonderful class going on here!  I am learning along with you heartsong.  You have a great teacher here in Daniel.


darting a bright eye,
newborn fawn clings to mother;
strange visions, wide world


Love

Grace

Posted by: JustDaniel Jul 27 04, 12:47

You're too kind, Grace... and I sure ain't no teacher o' that fancy high-coo! I'm larnin' 'long with th' rest o' ye!

QUOTE
darting a bright eye,
newborn fawn clings to mother;
strange visions, wide world

I think your last line needs some clarification, but it is poignant.

As to the other two lines, someone has suggested that the key to the pace (my own term for it; not sure what else to call it) of haiku is the feet:  2-3-2 rather than the syllables.  Your syllable count is perfect, of course, but I THINK the feet in this as it stands now might be 2(?)-3 or 4-2.  [ I get lost with unevern steps, so forgive me.  I'm afraid that my stepping on those branches has scared the poor fawn away!

There are many ways you may tighten up the feet [ not with boots! ] but maybe something like this?

bright eye darting,
doe's newborn clings...


deLighting to be in school with you, Daniel  sun.gif

Posted by: Cybele Jul 27 04, 15:33



Hi Daniel,  sun.gif  dance.gif

First two lines sound much better


bright eye darting,
doe's newborn clings...



how about...


bright eye darting,
doe's newborn clings...
strange, wide world

I love this form and would really like to master it.

Love

Grace
farmer.gif

Posted by: heartsong7 Aug 11 04, 23:03

haiku? based on a favorite saying.

sole crushed violet
fragrance lingers after death
perfect forgiveness

Posted by: Cybele Aug 13 04, 08:41

on the lily pad,
patiently awaiting lunch;
our resident frog

Posted by: Cybele Sep 16 04, 10:13

Haiku for Autumn

summer slips away
hidden by autumn mist
unseen, unnoticed

exhausted sunflowers
droop and nod dejectedly
cooling autumn sun

gentle ripples kiss
shrouded river bank;
autumnal stroll

Posted by: Zeus² Sep 16 04, 10:50


Unloved but Beautiful

Dandelion seeds
a geodesic delight
drifting in the wind.
   

Posted by: Cybele Sep 17 04, 02:37

HALLOWEEN HAIKU   ghostface.gif  :ghostface:

rustle of leaves
hobgoblins stirring
Halloween;


witch riding broomstick
silhouetted by the moon
black cat rides shotgun


knock at the door
children ‘trick or treating’
or real ghoul? Shiver!


in the graveyard
wind plays hide and seek
between headstones



Speechless.gif  :oops:  :alien:  :medusa:

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Sep 17 04, 05:25

Thanks Grace - we shall use both sets of Haiku for our Autumn book!

HUGS!
~Cleo pumpkin.gif

Hey LAr - do you have some you'd like us to use?

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Sep 18 04, 07:30

QUOTE (Cybele @ Sep. 16 2004, 11:13)
Haiku for Autumn

summer slips away
hidden by autumn mist
unseen, unnoticed

exhausted sunflowers
droop and nod dejectedly
cooling autumn sun

gentle ripples kiss
shrouded river bank;
autumnal stroll

Hello Grace! Fish.gif

I was re-reading your pretty haiku this morning and there seems to be some gaps in the syllabic count? I wouldn't normally critique here in Karnak, however, since these will be published in our Autumn chapbook, we want the form to be proper.  StarWars1.gif

Traditional Haiku should have 17 syllables in a 5/7/5 arrangement.

Can you revise these so they fit the form? Idea.gif

An offering to T or T for ya Grace:

(5) summer slips away
(6) hidden by autumn mist
(5) unseen, unnoticed


How about:
summer slips away
secreted by autumn mist
unseen, unnoticed  
?
I found another version you posted that fits:
summer slips away
hidden by autumnal mist
unseen, unnoticed



(6) exhausted sunflowers
(7) droop and nod dejectedly
(5) cooling autumn sun


How about:
fatigued sunflowers
droop and nod dejectedly
cooling autumn sun
?

(5) gentle ripples kiss
(5) shrouded river bank;
(4) autumnal stroll


How about:
gentle ripples kiss
shrouded river bank; <<<< need 2 more syllables here...
autumnal strolling
?

I've found some additional posts here in this forum for Haiku that I will post next and ask if we can use as well...
Stay tuned!
Cheers.  :pharoah2


Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Sep 18 04, 07:35

QUOTE (Just Daniel @ Nov. 03 2003, 03:39)
fall of dignity

trees refuse to leave;
they’ll cast costume to the wind,
stand stark, arms outstretched


© Daniel J Ricketts 03 Nov 2003

Hello Daniel!  wave.gif

May we gain your permission to use this Haiku of yours in our Autumn "Through the Seasons" chapbook?

Awaiting your reply! Idea.gif

~Cleo

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Sep 18 04, 07:36

QUOTE (Alan @ Nov. 02 2003, 14:02)
WASTE, OR WAIST ?

Hallowe'en's over:
Trick is with leftover treats,
Wouldn't want to waist .....

Alan Mcalpine Douglas

Hello Alan!  

May we gain your permission to use this Haiku of yours in our Autumn "Through the Seasons" chapbook?

Awaiting your reply!

~Cleo

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Sep 18 04, 07:41

QUOTE (Just Daniel @ Nov. 06 2003, 15:15)
fall beclouds

shadowing daylight,
then reigning o’er noon’s parade,
what be fall’s clouds? mist?

befogging our daze,
they loft, leave a cirrusly
cumulous affect

feigning memories
their wisp a ring in silence
as they diminish

leaving trees baring
shivering limbs with trunks packed,
but nowhere to go.


© Daniel J Ricketts 04 Oct 2003

Hello Daniel!  

May we gain your permission to use these Haiku of yours in our Autumn "Through the Seasons" chapbook?

Awaiting your reply!

~Cleo

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Sep 18 04, 07:56

QUOTE (Cybele @ Sep. 17 2004, 03:37)
HALLOWEEN HAIKU   ghostface.gif  ghostface.gif

rustle of leaves
hobgoblins stirring
Halloween;


witch riding broomstick
silhouetted by the moon
black cat rides shotgun


knock at the door
children ‘trick or treating’
or real ghoul? Shiver!


in the graveyard
wind plays hide and seek
between headstones



Speechless.gif  oops.gif  alien.gif  medusa.gif

Hello again Grace! fish2.gif

I was re-reading your Halloween haiku this morning and there seems to be some gaps in the syllabic count? I wouldn't normally critique here in Karnak, however, since these will be published in our Autumn chapbook, we want the form to be proper.  

Traditional Haiku should have 17 syllables in a 5/7/5 arrangement. Couch.gif

Can you revise these so they fit the form? Idea.gif

(4) rustle of leaves
(5) hobgoblins stirring
(3) Halloween;

How about:
rustle of fall's leaves
hobgoblins stirring afoot
on this: Halloween
?


(5) witch riding broomstick
(7) silhouetted by the moon
(5) black cat rides shotgun


AWESOME! Love this one!!  :pharoah2

(4) knock at the door
(6) children ‘trick or treating’
(5) or real ghoul? Shiver!

How about:
a knock at the door
children come 'trick or treating'
or real ghoul? Shiver!
?

(4) in the graveyard
(5) wind plays hide and seek
(4) between headstones

How about:
in the still graveyard
swirling winds play hide and seek
rousing hushed headstones
?


Posted by: Sep 18 04, 19:27

Dear Cleo,

You have my permission.

Love
Alan

Posted by: Cybele Sep 19 04, 02:16

Good morning Lori  :cheer:

Hello Grace!

QUOTE
I was re-reading your pretty haiku this morning and there seems to be some gaps in the syllabic count? I wouldn't normally critique here in Karnak, however, since these will be published in our Autumn chapbook, we want the form to be proper.  

Traditional Haiku should have 17 syllables in a 5/7/5 arrangement
.

I have been studying haiku quite seriously of late and there are so many rules. Everyone  has a different opinion about the form a haiku should take. Some say it should consist of 5-7-5 syllables, (now seldom used by serious 'haikuists' ), some say 17 syllables on three lines, or 17 syllables or less in total ~ yet others state a count of 2-3-2. Speechless.gif

Most people now agree that all extraneous words like 'of' 'and' etc should not be used as they detract from the pure picture. I always wrote in 5-7-5 until I read the work of the great master Basho, the originator of the haiku form. Examples of his beautiful work...

Ill on a journey;
my dreams wander
over a withered moor.

The leeks
newly washed white,-
how cold it is!

Winter rain
falls on the cow-shed;
a cock crows.

Example of modern haiku

under the
magnifying glass
a ladybird's tears

Published modern haiku

plum blossoms falling
the gardner softly singing
in my father's tongue

Sandra Fuhringer

two lines in the water . . .
not a word between
father and son

Randy M. Brooks

gentle rain . . .
the leaf mold's sweet smell
rising with the mist

Donna A. Ryan


Lovely aren't they? Seems the only rule they share is two lines constituing one thought and the other a second thought different but connected.

Having finally found my way in Haiku I am loathe to change them to fit a pattern Lori, but I shall understand if you prefer not to use them. No offence taken whatsoever. sun.gif  :dance:  :laugh:

Love

Grace
farmer.gif

Posted by: Cybele Sep 19 04, 02:45


rosy-hued dusk;
across the pond
swan wings settle

Posted by: Cybele Sep 19 04, 02:51

cock crow;
following the light
you quietly leave me

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Sep 19 04, 09:10

QUOTE (Zeus² @ Sep. 16 2004, 11:50)

Unloved but Beautiful

Dandelion seeds
a geodesic delight
drifting in the wind.
   

Thanks Larry!  :wizard:

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Sep 19 04, 09:18

QUOTE (Alan @ Sep. 18 2004, 20:27)
Dear Cleo,

You have my permission.

Love
Alan

Thanks Alan!

ghostface.gif

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Sep 19 04, 09:22

QUOTE (Cybele @ Sep. 19 2004, 03:16)
[b]Good morning Lori  cheer.gif

Hello Grace!

QUOTE
I was re-reading your pretty haiku this morning and there seems to be some gaps in the syllabic count? I wouldn't normally critique here in Karnak, however, since these will be published in our Autumn chapbook, we want the form to be proper.  

Traditional Haiku should have 17 syllables in a 5/7/5 arrangement
.

I have been studying haiku quite seriously of late and there are so many rules. Everyone  has a different opinion about the form a haiku should take. Some say it should consist of 5-7-5 syllables, (now seldom used by serious 'haikuists' ), some say 17 syllables on three lines, or 17 syllables or less in total ~ yet others state a count of 2-3-2. Speechless.gif

Most people now agree that all extraneous words like 'of' 'and' etc should not be used as they detract from the pure picture. I always wrote in 5-7-5 until I read the work of the great master Basho, the originator of the haiku form. Examples of his beautiful work...

Ill on a journey;
my dreams wander
over a withered moor.

The leeks
newly washed white,-
how cold it is!

Winter rain
falls on the cow-shed;
a cock crows.

Example of modern haiku

under the
magnifying glass
a ladybird's tears

Published modern haiku

plum blossoms falling
the gardner softly singing
in my father's tongue

Sandra Fuhringer

two lines in the water . . .
not a word between
father and son

Randy M. Brooks

gentle rain . . .
the leaf mold's sweet smell
rising with the mist

Donna A. Ryan


Lovely aren't they? Seems the only rule they share is two lines constituing one thought and the other a second thought different but connected.

Having finally found my way in Haiku I am loathe to change them to fit a pattern Lori, but I shall understand if you prefer not to use them. No offence taken whatsoever. sun.gif  dance.gif  laugh.gif

Love

Grace
farmer.gif

Hi Grace! angel.gif

Yes - these 'rules' seem quite confusing to me (which is why I seldom write haiku myself, LOL!)  Wall.gif

I still am going to use your pieces 'cuz they are perfect and DO capture the thought you convey kitty.gif for the season!  Wizard.gif

Thanks for your reply Grace!

GroupHug.gif
HUGS!
~Cleo  :pharoah2  cloud9.gif

Posted by: Cybele Sep 22 04, 01:37

The Potato Eaters by Van Gogh

quiet despair;
bathed in the glow
of Vincent’s love

Posted by: JustDaniel Sep 22 04, 06:09

All:  Sorry I have not been around in a while.  I've not written in over a week and may not be doing so for some time.  Blessings to you all.

Lori:  You may use the ones cited if you like.  I hope you note that they fall into the category more of faux-ku, however.

Grace:  I like your boldness and abandon.  

line doubt

poets write on...
walls, paper scraps, tissue, wind;
rules be damned


Lightly, Daniel sun.gif

Posted by: Cybele Sep 22 04, 06:47

Hello Daniel, dance.gif  sun.gif  wave.gif

Well. I have really missed your great wit around here.  I do hope that you are not ill again??

I love your faux-ku!

Thank you for the vote of confidence Daniel. I really do love writing haiku. Like everything Japanese, ikebana, painting, silk prints and gardens they have the pure beauty of simple lines which touch my heart.

I hope life is treating you kindly.

Love

Grace
farmer.gif

Posted by: JustDaniel Sep 22 04, 09:32

ah, do you dis Grace me, calling my senryu a faux-ku... without a title?  upside.gif

Should I have called it "line doubt" ?  Speechless.gif

half-width

humor lives on
but half my cranium;
which do I think wit?


© M Lee Dickens’ son 22 Sept 2004

deLightingly, Daniel  :sun:

Posted by: Cybele Sep 22 04, 11:29

Hi Daniel  :dance:  :jester:

Not ill then?  Good.  Should I have said fauxsenryu then my friend? Never saw you use that one.  Can hardly read that light blue font Daniel. I tried it once but it was a wash out rofl.gif

You had me perturbed when you said you may not be writing for some time. I thought the dreaded lurgy had got you.  :medusa: but I needn't have worried, you immediately bounced back in your own inimitable way.

Keep 'em coming Daniel. They are like a ray of sunshine whatever you choose to call them.  :sun:  :sun:

You write them ~ I'll read them. What a team!!

dance.gif  :dance:  :dance:

Love

Grace
farmer.gif

Posted by: JustDaniel Sep 22 04, 18:13

cheer.gif Well, Grace... wave.gif  actually for the past week I have been quite sick with some kind of virus or something that has really laid me low.  I shouldn't have attended drill this weekend and have missed work the past three days.  I expect to return tomorrow... for two days, and then we're going on a week's vacation!

I'd had annual training for two weeks and was at a convention for work the following week before returning to work for a week before I got sick.  But I've had a general malaise for several months now, and I've simply been unable to focus to seriously write for any extended period of time... or to read either.  It's s concentration and focus thing.  I'm just kind of scattered.  Does that make sense?

Thank you for 'missing' me and for commenting on my little ditties.  Here's another faux-ku I wrote the other day after solving a newspaper puzzle... from a clue.  Thought it might give you a sniggle:

just a ny minute

something n chanting
in señorita’s wiggle ~
savor her tilde


© M Lee Dickens’ son 20 Sept 2004

snigglin' Lightly, Daniel  sun.gif

Posted by: Cybele Sep 23 04, 00:42

Good morning Dañiel,  sun.gif

Sounds like you have been having a high old time. Did your mother never tell you to keep away from rough soldiers, you never know what you might pick up !! (Spoken by an ex woman soldier Jester.gif ). Where there are groups, there are squiggly germs too.  medusa.gif    

Sorry to hear that you have been laid low, but it doesn’t seem to have affected your sense of humour thank goodness.
Great fauxku Daniel – very clever (over here tilde is also the name brand of rice – over there too?)  I don’t get the answer to the clue though Daniel ??, but then it is 6.15am here.

I am off to Torquay for the day, ( a seaside resort on the South Devon Coast of England). I am hoping to indulge my hobby of photography. Any good pictures I get I post on my website.

If you have an idle moment sometime you might like to have a look ?

Get well soon

Love

Grace
farmer.gif


http://mysite.wanadoo-members.co.uk/U3AHighbridge

Posted by: Cybele Sep 23 04, 00:54

Lourdes grotto

stones polished
by supplicant pilgrims,        
Mary smiles gently

Posted by: JustDaniel Sep 23 04, 14:41

Hey, Grace!  cheer.gif

Glad to hear that you're off on another little visit.  We'll be heading to the New Jersey shore (Ocean City) on Saturday for a week of vacation... finally!  I hope today's warm 'Indian Summer' weather stays with us for a few days.  I'm looking forward to writing on the beach part of our time there.

I couldn't see your pictures on the website earlier this morning, so I may need some ambulatory instruction from you in getting around your friendly little site. Thanks for sharing it with us.  Sounds like a neat group you're involved with.  Ah... to be retired!

As to your poem.  Since it has a title, it doesn't qualify as either a haiku or a senyru, so far as I know, and since I don't see a play on words in the title and body, it doesn't qualify as one of my faux-ku genre either.  But with some simple editing, I think you have a neat little senryu here, if I may offer some assistance... even though I ain't a Roamin' Catholic:

grotto stones polished
by supplicant Lourdes pilgrims;      
Mary smiles gently

Whatcha think?

sharin' de Light, Daniel  sun.gif

Posted by: JustDaniel Sep 23 04, 15:16

QUOTE (Cybele @ Sep. 22 2004, 02:37)
The Potato Eaters by Van Gogh

quiet despair;
bathed in the glow
of Vincent's love

May I offer a twisted impressionistic look (in faux-ku) at this along with you, Grace?

eatin' away with depression

potatoes cannot
give self a steam underground...
Gogh up with Vincent


© Daniel J Ricketts 23 Sept 2004

Lightly awry... but who'd askew?  Daniel  sun.gif

Posted by: Cybele Sep 29 04, 02:05




Hello Daniel,  

Sorry for the delay in answering this, but life keeps getting in the way of my favourite pastime.  Speechless.gif  Wall.gif

QUOTE
As to your poem.  Since it has a title, it doesn't qualify as either a haiku or a senyru, so far as I know, and since I don't see a play on words in the title and body, it doesn't qualify as one of my faux-ku genre either.  But with some simple editing, I think you have a neat little senryu here, if I may offer some assistance... even though I ain't a Roamin' Catholic:


grotto stones polished
by supplicant Lourdes pilgrims;      
Mary smiles gently


I didn't know that Haiku doesn't have a title. Thank you for letting me know. Haiku fascinates me and I want to write it properly. I like your suggestion here Daniel but prefer the slight re-arrangement to the first two lines as such:


Lourdes grotto
stone polished by pilgrims:
Mary smiles gently.



What do you think?


I really appreciate your help.

Love

Grace;farmer:

Posted by: Cybele Sep 29 04, 02:10


Me again Daniel,

QUOTE
The Potato Eaters by Van Gogh

quiet despair;
bathed in the glow
of Vincent's love



Removing title here Daniel

Potato Eaters
bathed in the glow
of Vincent's love




QUOTE
eatin' away with depression

potatoes cannot
give self a steam underground...
Gogh up with Vincent



Far too clever for me Daniel. How do you do it?? LOL.gif

Love

Grace
farmer.gif

Posted by: JustDaniel Sep 29 04, 16:25

Glad to be of some kind of help, Grace... and I'm pleased that you laughed at my faux-ku takeoff of your piece.  I do like your revision of both!

Please let me know what you think of this series.  I've written a couple of them... which I'll offer if you like this one:

Gulls and Buoys

sun drenches beach
to wave at passing gull;
buoy rises to greet

piling-top dancers
await warm, rushing surf;
lifeguards, dad watch

sandcastle builder
stands final watch, alone;
surf waves flatly

suds wash rough shoreline
for wind and sun to rinse smooth;
footprints drift aweigh

sails toss to soft blue
falling off beyond grey;
ocean throws a curve

five o’clock shadow
falls coolly before sundown;
li’l shavers pack up


© Daniel J Ricketts 25 Sept 2004

Posted by: Cybele Sep 30 04, 02:31

[b]

Good morning Daniel,

Thank you for your kind words and I am pleased you like the revisions.

QUOTE
sun drenches beach
to wave at passing gull;
buoy rises to greet

I think it is a language thing here again Larry, we both speak English, but sometimes it is quite different LOL.gif

My takr on this one would be

sun drenches beach
buoy rises to greet
passing gull

I see the play on boy and girl but can't see how the sun can wave.  detective.gif

piling-top dancers
await warm, rushing surf;
lifeguards, dad watch

I assume piling-top is the same as a breakwater over her ( wooden barrier) built into the sea to mark off sections of beach against tidal damage?

sandcastle builder
stands final watch, alone;
surf waves flatly

Absolutely beautiful, I can see myself as a child, lost in my own little world at the end of the day.

suds wash rough shoreline
for wind and sun to rinse smooth;
footprints drift aweigh

Lovely Daniel

sails toss to soft blue
falling off beyond grey;
ocean throws a curve


Wonderful imagery  angel.gif

five o’clock shadow
falls coolly before sundown;
li’l shavers pack up


Ah! those carefree childhood days!  cloud9.gif


A lovely set Daniel. Congratulations.

Love

Grace
farmer.gif

Posted by: Cybele Sep 30 04, 02:38

summer cloudburst:
a wasp shares my shelter
in garden shed



Speechless.gif  :speechless: Help!!! LOL.gif

Posted by: JustDaniel Oct 4 04, 09:15

Thanks for your visit and ticklers, Grace... and your Summer piece.  How's this for a follow-up senryu?

autumn emotions;
fellow-gardener shares shed
during late cloudburst


© Daniel J Ricketts 04 Oct 2004

Posted by: Cybele Oct 10 04, 04:49

Good morning Daniel  king.gif  

King of senryu, very witty !!  Jester.gif

Here is another for you to play with.  I went to Bicton Gardens in Devon yesterday and this was inspired in the cactus house. I have a love/hate relationship with cacti ~ more precisely, a morbid fascination.



on spiny cactus
exquisite crimson flowers;
beauty and the beast


Love

Grace
farmer.gif

Posted by: JustDaniel Oct 10 04, 19:06

wonderful picture, Grace.

Could this be a complementary piece... maybe even with a bit of a wink?

succulent with spines
hosting late-blooming flowers;
springs in a desert


... and should be start a senryu thread in here too?

deLightingly, Daniel  sun.gif

Posted by: Cybele Oct 11 04, 02:24

Good morning Daniel my friend  dance.gif

Great idea to start a senryu tile separately.   Read.gif  

Will you initiate with a small explanation of the rules of senryu? I will willingly follow.

I find that when waiting for inspiration for a longer piece, writing haiku and senryu is very satisfying and there is always the possibility that these thoughts will lead on to a full poem.

Meanwhile, viewed in the park yesterday:..


speckled floaters
in the blue eye of the lake.
autumn leaves


Love

Grace
farmer.gif

Posted by: JustDaniel Oct 12 04, 05:01

I see spots before my eyes, Grace; fall leaves before it begins!

cimmeron warm lake;
tiny bronzed ships leave moorings
as shafts of steam rise


... and I started the senryu thread too.

deLightingly, Daniel  :sun:

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Oct 12 04, 05:13

QUOTE (Just Daniel @ Oct. 12 2004, 06:01)
I see spots before my eyes, Grace; fall leaves before it begins!

cimmeron warm lake;
tiny bronzed ships leave moorings
as shafts of steam rise


... and I started the senryu thread too.

deLightingly, Daniel  sun.gif

cool.gif  COOL!  :cool:

Well done and thankies Daniel!

Is Senryu also 5/7/5 ?  :wizard:

Posted by: Cybele Oct 12 04, 16:29

Leapfrogging the seasons Daniel  grinning.gif


winter twilight;
last brave rose wears
a mantle of snow


Shivering slightly,  Jester.gif

Grace
farmer.gif

Posted by: JustDaniel Oct 12 04, 16:56

Hmmm... Grace, if I were to take yours as a katauta (merely making it into a question, perhaps?) might my response make ours a Mondo, or have I misread Cleo's explanation here?

winter twilight;
will last brave rose wear
a mantle of snow?


bent thorns spring to life;
snow-white petals emerge pink
from sun-drenched green buds


sharin' de Light, Daniel  sun.gif

Posted by: Cybele Oct 12 04, 17:04

Hello Daniel,  :speechless:


QUOTE
Hmmm... Grace, if I were to take yours as a katauta (merely making it into a question, perhaps?) might my response make ours a Mondo, or have I misread Cleo's explanation here?


Pardon??? You've got me here Daniel

katauta??

Mondo??

New words to me Daniel, could you explain them please and their relationship to haiku/senryu.  I want to learn all I can.

Je ne sais quoi, mon ami

Love

Grace
farmer.gif

Posted by: JustDaniel Oct 13 04, 07:17

Pardonez moi, mon amie!

I guess you haven't read Cleo's tile here on Sedoka and Mondo!  When you do, it will all be very clear... or at least a little clearer.

orb of crisp morning
rolls yellow over bronzed hills;
misty curtain lifts


sharin' de Light, Daniel  sun.gif

Posted by: Cybele Oct 13 04, 11:35

Hi Daniel,   king.gif

QUOTE
orb of crisp morning
rolls yellow over bronzed hills;
misty curtain lifts



Lovely word picture Daniel.



skein of wild geese
flying south;
early morning rainbow


Love

Grace
farmer.gif

Posted by: JustDaniel Oct 13 04, 12:11

Thank you, Grace... and a very picturesque follow-up.  

Now go to Cleo's tile for a chuckle?

deLightingly, Daniel  :sun:

Posted by: Cybele Oct 15 04, 11:10

cloudy moonlight;
the lake hoards
deep, dark secrets




Grace
rainbow.gif


Posted by: JustDaniel Oct 15 04, 11:26

cloudy all day long;
winged hordes of lake immigrants
deposit luggage

Posted by: Cybele Oct 15 04, 11:34

Hi again Daniel, laugh.gif

One more and I must go and prepare my dinner.


abandoned hubcap;
scrap yard dog
finds a companion



Grace
rainbow.gif

Posted by: JustDaniel Oct 15 04, 11:47

now that one is touching!  It's right on the line between senryu and haiku in my thinking, but I love the way you captured two snapshots of the very unnatural nature of one miniscule but real happening in a junk yard.

You've mused this follow-up from our own yard:

composting leaf pile;
yellow household Labrador
retrieves summer's warmth


deLightingly, Daniel  :sun:

Posted by: Cybele Oct 19 04, 05:20

Do you have a golden labrador Daniel?  Surely the most loving dog ever.  cloud9.gif




composting leaf pile;
yellow household Labrador
retrieves summer's warmth
 


lovely mind picture Daniel!     Read.gif

gnarled olive tree
pregnant with fruit;
invincible relic


(Memories of Greece,  aaah!  cloud9.gif )

Love

Grace
rainbow.gif[/b]

Posted by: JustDaniel Oct 19 04, 17:32

boughed down in sorrow
leaving all its tears inside,
winter willow weeps

I know this is weak as a haiku, since it is ONE picture, but I just ran out of time.  I'll be back.

Lovin' deLight, Daniel  :sun:

Posted by: Cybele Oct 20 04, 02:30

QUOTE
boughed down in sorrow
leaving all its tears inside,
winter willow weeps



Still a lovely image Daniel ( reminds me of the death scene in the ballet Swan Lake - very touching)





wintry morning;
luring me from warm nest
rich aroma of coffee



Love

Grace
rainbow.gif

Posted by: JustDaniel Oct 21 04, 13:17

hmmm  4-6-7  perhaps okay for katauta... but not haiku, methinks...

QUOTE
wintry morning;
luring me from warm nest
rich aroma of coffee

maybe...

coffee aroma
filters, luring me from nest;
wintry morning warmth


wintering smoke-puffs
trail from hamburger season;
prints to Burger King


... though both of these border on senryu, methinks?

Lightly seasoned, Daniel  sun.gif

Posted by: Cybele Oct 22 04, 04:20

[b]
Good morning Daniel,



QUOTE
hmmm  4-6-7  perhaps okay for katauta... but not haiku, methinks...



Oops!! Ever had one of those days when you should have stayed in bed? When I dropped the lid of the toothpaste and banged my head retrieving it, then stubbed my toe on the bed I should have known I was in for a chaotic day! LOL.gif

Yes, of course you are right Daniel, this is senryu.  You must forgive me, I am still learning the language. rofl.gif

My revision

first wintry morning;
luring me from warm nest,rich
coffee aroma


Yours is a tad better I feel Daniel but I couldn't leave mine in that state  Wall.gif

QUOTE
wintering smoke-puffs
trail from hamburger season;
prints to Burger King



Like the haiku Daniel, but not a fan of fast food. I prefer a lovely fresh rainbow trout and roast vegetables (last night's dinner Absolutely delicious.)


rainbow garbed pisces
you were never more welcomed
than here,on my plate

Love

Grace
rainbow.gif

P.S Daniel can we finish the Renga? Awaiting your decision on fomenting/fermenting.

Posted by: Brahms Oct 22 04, 00:11

Definitely intended to post in haiku section,
because I may be inaccurate, could you?

Many thanks Cleo,
Stephen

Posted by: Brahms Oct 21 04, 16:01

Solid dark quiet
pasture cool lapping stall door
horses warm breathing.

Brazen lost rooster
announces breakfast becoming
hay and warmed gruel.

Mid-day pasture change
big boys move out grand pasture
two old horses trade.

Proud mare gallops in
now rests while aged Maverick
gusto totting still.

Clean stalled dinner now
grapping full focused intent
evening rains down.

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Oct 21 04, 16:13

Hi Stephen.

DId you mean to post this in Homer's? Or as part of haiku?

~Cleo

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Oct 22 04, 05:18

Maybe I'm confuse Grace Fish.gif

But methinks Katauta is the japanese word for 'stanza', not an actual poetic form...

fish2.gif
:)

Posted by: Cybele Oct 22 04, 05:25

Hello Cleo, sun.gif


QUOTE
Maybe I'm confuse Grace

But methinks Katauta is the japanese word for 'stanza', not an actual poetic form...



QUOTE
hmmm  4-6-7  perhaps okay for katauta... but not haiku, methinks...


Sorry, were you referring to this quote from Daniel?  I think he meant the word count would make a good katauta (stanza) for a mondo  at least that was how I read it.

Incidentally I was just replying to Brahms' piece when I got an error message and it - disappeared ... pooooff! Just like that. Speechless.gif
Help!!

Love

Grace
rainbow.gif

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Oct 22 04, 09:30

QUOTE (Cybele @ Oct. 22 2004, 06:25)
Hello Cleo, sun.gif


Incidentally I was just replying to Brahms' piece when I got an error message and it - disappeared ... pooooff! Just like that. Speechless.gif
Help!!

Love

Grace
rainbow.gif


Hi Grace. wave.gif

Please email me the exact details as to what you did when you received the error (an what the error was) - it's the only way I can research it....

I need to know the actual steps and the error message to investigate...

Thanks!
Lori

Posted by: Cybele Oct 25 04, 03:54




Hello Stephen,  sings.gif  cheer.gif

I tried to reply to this two days ago but just as I was posting a reply - it disappeared !!   Speechless.gif

Fortunately Lori solved the mystery  detective.gif

Solid dark quiet
pasture cool lapping stall door
horses warm breathing.

Brazen lost rooster
announces breakfast becoming
hay and warmed gruel.


L2 one too many syllables, suggest

announce coming breakfast ?

Mid-day pasture change
big boys move out grand pasture
two old horses trade.

L2 maybe

big boys move to grand pasture ?

Proud mare gallops in
now rests while aged Maverick
gusto totting still.


L2 one too many syllables

maybe

now rests while old maverick ?


Clean stalled dinner now
grapping full focused intent
evening rains down.


I don't quite follow this last stanza Stephen

I somehow want to read

cleaned stalls, dinner now
gripping full focused intent

evening rains down.

Have I got the wrong end of the stick here?


You take me straight into those stables with steaming horses waiting impatiently for their meal. How warm it feels in there!  cloud9.gif

Love

Grace
rainbow.gif

Posted by: Cybele Oct 25 04, 03:58

ribbon of moonlight
paves way for fishing boats
chasing silver shoals

Posted by: JustDaniel Oct 25 04, 06:44

QUOTE (Cybele @ Oct. 25 2004, 04:58)
ribbon of moonlight
paves way for fishing boats
chasing silver shoals

Grace, this is a beatutiful, easily visualized picture, but methinks it's but one picture rather than two snapshot impressions?  Whatcha think?

rays of morning light
pierce low-lying autumn fog;
birds screech out, Get up!


Lightly, Daniel  sun.gif

Posted by: Cybele Oct 25 04, 08:01

Hi Daniel,  Wall.gif  Wall.gif

You see, that's my trouble.  A thought comes, my mind go off half-cocked and this is what happens.  blush21.gif    blush21.gif     Good job, you are there to guide me. I want so much to be able to write good haiku, but I still have so much to learn. Is this better?

ribbon of moonlight:
small boats leave harbour
chasing silver shoals



QUOTE
rays of morning light
pierce low-lying autumn fog;
birds screech out, Get up!


I know about this one ~ I live 1 1/2 miles from the sea and those gulls are early risers !!:lol:

I think this one is right though?

vase of lilies  
by the open window;
moon bathing


Love

Grace
rainbow.gif

Posted by: JustDaniel Oct 25 04, 08:25

From my perspective I think your first one is perfect, Grace!

The second one is certainly two snapshots, but the first one is a bit blurred without a subject, don't you think?  The third line is virtually essential to fill it out.  

And I think most haikuers, no matter how many onji they utilize, expect that the second line be LONGER than the others.  Whatcha think?

baying hounds roam
to water leaf-laden trunks;
cedars shed their bark


Lightly wizzing through, Daniel  :sun:

Posted by: Cybele Oct 25 04, 16:52


Hello Daniel,

I have edited the second one,  I hope it is all right now? Thanks for the pointer.

baying hounds roam
to water leaf-laden trunks;
cedars shed their bark


Sorry Daniel, I don't understand this one, at least not the second line. Could you explain it please?

Love

Grace
rainbow.gif

Posted by: JustDaniel Oct 25 04, 18:39

In my uneducated opinion, your revision is wondrous.

Now, as to my silly bit of farce, I guess you might call it a pseudo haiku.  It portrays dogs making noise while they water trees while leaves fall on the ground (to represent fall).  Meanwhile a cedar (presumable listening) sheds some of its bark (which happens year round, but more so in the fall, I think)... and tries maybe to shed some of the barkING too, methinks.

Sorry for my little side-trip.  I do that occasionally, you may have noticed?

stubborn acorns cringe
as nut goes out on a limb;
ducks squirrel away

Lightly, Daniel  :sun:

Posted by: Cybele Oct 26 04, 05:44

[b]
Good morning Daniel,

Thank you for your kind comment. All your comments are of great help in my quest for the way to write good haiku.



QUOTE
Sorry for my little side-trip.  I do that occasionally, you may have noticed?


What we I do without the 'little smiles from Daniel' in the  mornings?



QUOTE
stubborn acorns cringe
as nut goes out on a limb;
ducks squirrel away



This one I understand perfectly. I think you must have been in my local park yesterday when this happened LOL.gif

Now, after having checked whether I am answering in Haiku or Senryu...  Wall.gif


dog-eared address book;
I chase my children
around the pages
Love

Grace

rainbow.gif

Posted by: JustDaniel Oct 26 04, 07:12

Well, Grace...

I'm glad that you checked which forum you were in for this wonderful little tidbit...

and then lunged headlong into a superb senryu!  It shows me that I ain't the only one who can forget so quickly!

One forgetful senryu deserves another, dontcha think?

startled cat attempts
to skirt approaching walker;
frigid unawares


But here's a follow-up real haiku on the same subject with an underlying faux-ku for your pleasure?

wind whistles through limbs;
wolves turn to find their pray,
howling at the moon

Posted by: Cybele Oct 26 04, 12:31

Hello Daniel,

Well it was really meant as a joke (which backfired on me). I needed a smiley of a person with tongue in cheek but couldn't find one. I realise now the the head banger just didn't convey the message. rofl.gif




QUOTE
startled cat attempts
to skirt approaching walker;
frigid unawares


This gave me the shivers my friend, I am frightened of cats and don't they know it! They always make a beeline for me and wrap themselves around my legs (That's if I stay in one place long enough for them to reach me! LOL.gif

QUOTE
wind whistles through limbs;
wolves turn to find their pray,
howling at the moon


This one is very clever Daniel. I love the play on words  'pray' for prey and howling at the moon as if in prayer.

Now I really must stop messing up Lori's lovely forums. So here is a REAL haiku...


sudden storm:
old moggie takes shelter
in a rusty bucket



In case the word moggie is unfamiliar to you it is a name applied to a cat of no particular pedigree. (I am sure that animals are allowed in haiku, the Japanese are always writing about birds and crickets.)


Love

Grace
rainbow.gif

Posted by: JustDaniel Oct 26 04, 13:39

I think that's a great one, Grace.  Some purists might say something like "sudden snow storm" to give a specific seasonal anchor, but not all occidental haiku-ers concur.  In our cultures today, I think anything goes has long extended into poetry.

wind-blown leaves snuggle;
stray dog warms in their hovel
beneath tall privet


I hope this serious one causes something in you to curl up too!

deLightingly, Daniel  dance.gif

Posted by: Cybele Oct 26 04, 15:26

Hi Daniel, sun.gif

QUOTE
I hope this serious one causes something in you to curl up too!


wind-blown leaves snuggle;
stray dog warms in their hovel
beneath tall privet




It certainly did my friend. While frightened of cats, I love dogs !

Glad this one found a nice warm spot.


cold light of dawn;
stumbling through autumnal fog
a wounded  deer



Love

Grace
rainbow.gif

Posted by: JustDaniel Oct 26 04, 15:42

QUOTE (Cybele @ Oct. 26 2004, 16:26)
cold light of dawn;
stumbling through autumnal fog
a wounded  deer

Stunning portrayal of a difficult reality at the core of the debate over thinning herds in areas of population creeping into the domain of the deer, Grace. Here is the other side of the story... from a guy that's never shot at anything (except once with an M16 at targets in 1983):

cruel highway dusk;
grazing doe struck by light
drips red in snow bank


not so Lightly, Daniel  sun.gif

Posted by: Cybele Oct 27 04, 02:19

Hello Daniel, wave.gif

QUOTE
cruel highway dusk;
grazing doe struck by light
drips red in snow bank




This reminds me of a trip I took in August. I drove over a 1000 miles around England to see friends of ours who were too ill to come to Ralph’s funeral.

On the vast moorland regions of the Pennines (the backbone of England) and on the Yorkshire moors, the breathtaking scenery was only marred by the very high number of ‘road kill’ animals. Such a very sad sight.


Hunter’s moon;
shadow tracks my footsteps
across the beach


Love
Grace
rainbow.gif

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Oct 27 04, 05:18

frosted driveway
signals start of Winter's Day
in late October

Posted by: JustDaniel Oct 27 04, 05:46

wave.gif Grace, you'll have to write about those moors and give us the feeling of that "backbone" too.  Sounds like fodder for some more poetry and a travelog for us colonists on the other side of the pond, eh?  We needs some edumacation!

an' speakin' o' edumacation, Grace, ya gots ta watch out fer usin' them capitals in these here oriental snapshots, ya know!  ... an' since when does a Cockney lass capitalize on an 'h' anyhow?! Speechless.gif

Here's an impression with a bit o' cheek... at both ends!

mooning o’er harvest
white-tail grazes field naked;
hunter’s moon


© MLee Dickens’son 27 Oct 2004  
upside.gif

sLightly twistin' in da moonLight, Daniel sun.gif

Posted by: JustDaniel Oct 27 04, 05:56

tut.gif Greetings, Queen o' the Nile! tut.gif
QUOTE (Cleo_Serapis @ Oct. 27 2004, 06:18)
frosted driveway
signals start of Winter's Day
in late October

This is a fascinating snapshot, but unless "Winter's Day" is a day I don't know about, LorII, methinks it oughta be without the caps to maintain that haiku tradition?  ... and might you consoder something like this... to work toward two distinct snapshots of the same scene?

late October
signals winter's days too soon;
frosted driveway

sLightly slippin' off to work, Daniel  sun.gif

P.S. Can my icon image be made smaller?  It takes up too much space... and maybe scares folks off! Speechless.gif

Posted by: Cybele Oct 27 04, 07:52


Good afternoon Daniel.  upside.gif


QUOTE
Grace, you'll have to write about those moors and give us the feeling of that "backbone" too.  Sounds like fodder for some more poetry and a travelog for us colonists on the other side of the pond, eh?  We needs some edumacation!


Idea.gif I will see what I can do Daniel ~ I never gave it a thought before now.

QUOTE
an' speakin' o' edumacation, Grace, ya gots ta watch out fer usin' them capitals in these here oriental snapshots, ya know!  ... an' since when does a Cockney lass capitalize on an 'h' anyhow?!  


sorry Daniel, I have always associated a Hunter’s moon with a capital letter, as that is generally how is it written even in mid-sentence over here. As you know I GENERALLY AVOID CAPITALS IN HAIKU  rofl.gif

mooning o’er harvest
white-tail grazes field naked;
hunter’s moon



LOL.gif very cheeky!   blush21.gif

Love

Grace
rainbow.gif

Posted by: Cybele Oct 27 04, 08:03



Good afternoon Lori,  sings.gif  Snowflake.gif


QUOTE
frosted driveway
signals start of Winter's Day
in late October



Oh, the dreaded frost!  Snowflake.gif  I am always taken unawares at this time of year.


I know this could be considered senryu, but it is appropos of your winter warning LOL.gif

first frosty morning;
I find long-lost sunglasses
where are my gloves?


Love

Grace
rainbow.gif

Posted by: JustDaniel Oct 27 04, 08:27

moi?  Cheeky?  blush21.gif

... by the way, I think maybe I shoulda made that last line

dear hunter's moon   Whatcha think?

QUOTE
first frosty morning;
I find long-lost sunglasses
where are my gloves?

Now as to that one... yes, it is a senryu, so why not post it over yonder too!?

... so I can give a smart-alecky response to it!  Jester.gif

Meanwhile, is this haiku-ish enough?

a frosted mourning;
translucent window weeps
with dour chili mug


Snowflake.gif Lightly shivering, Daniel  sun.gif

Posted by: Cybele Oct 27 04, 09:36

Hi Daniel,  Jester.gif



dear hunter's moon?
I deniro 'bout that
a meryl streeptease?



Off for my evening meal now young man, catch ya later. wave.gif  :wave:

Love

Grace
rainbow.gif

Posted by: JustDaniel Oct 27 04, 11:20

there she goes again:
strippin' off 'er close, displays
senryu 'haiku'

sLightly shocked, Daniel  :oops:

P.S.  Is that a movie Meryl and Robert were in.  I love them both!  Meryl can play ANYONE!!  :dove:

Posted by: Cybele Oct 27 04, 13:19

Hi Daniel,

I didn't think there was anyone in America (or Britain) who hadn't seen The Deer Hunter.  :speechless:

This film was hailed by some as the best war film ever made and yet was slated by others, who thought the film was about war and not friendship.
Robert De Niro was a little wooden (I have to say he is a good actor because he invariably scares me witless (as in Cape Fear). ghostface.gif

Merryl Streep as always was spellbinding to watch. (My favourite living actress!!) her greatest triumph was in Sophie's Choice.  :sings:

Love

Grace
rainbow.gif

Posted by: Cybele Oct 27 04, 13:21


ancient boulder
host to dainty spring flower;
perfumed parasite





Grace
rainbow.gif

Posted by: JustDaniel Oct 28 04, 02:04

Toni stone-head said
Let them eat cake ~ she lost hers;
parfumed Parisite

oops!  Was that a pseudo-ku?  

full October moon
eclipsed by Earth’s shadow;
hunter dons orange

Posted by: Cybele Oct 28 04, 03:28




Great reply Daniel, LOL.gif

Yes, definitely a pseudo-ku, but hey, I make so many mistakes ~
I'll let you off that one. I'm feeling magnanimous today  laugh.gif

QUOTE
Toni stone-head said
Let them eat cake ~ she lost hers;
parfumed Parisite




Particularly liked the last line Daniel, french parfume on a paris - ite.

By the way, wasn't the cake she mentioned really brioche?

full October moon
eclipsed by Earth’s shadow;
hunter dons orange

Still out with those hound Daniel? Very pretty!

Love

Grace
rainbow.gif

Posted by: JustDaniel Oct 28 04, 03:34

... no hounds.  Went out to see the eclipse (of the hunter's moon, remember!) during commercials during Law and Order last night.  I remarkable sight... and the hunter DID don orange.  

Your turn for another now!

deLightingly heading back to bed, Daniel  :sun:

Posted by: Cybele Oct 28 04, 03:51


Oops !!  blush21.gif

... no hounds.  Went out to see the eclipse (of the hunter's moon, remember

Didn't know about this Daniel, there was no announcement made here that I heard, or I would have been out there gazing in wonder.  Perhaps it wasn't visible over here.



long summer drought
wren. tiny pinions flapping
dust bathing

Love

Grace
rainbow.gif

Posted by: JustDaniel Oct 28 04, 07:42

duck slowly waddles;
no more soring 'neath eagles
on worn out, cold wings

Posted by: Cybele Oct 30 04, 09:19

Hello Daniel, sun.gif

QUOTE
duck slowly waddles;
no more soring 'neath eagles
on worn out, cold wings


Lovely picture. I love ducks  cloud9.gif

This happened last week at the zoo.


caught on film
turning his face to me
flat fish disappears
   Speechless.gif

Love

Grace
:ranbow:

Posted by: JustDaniel Oct 30 04, 09:59

I think that's more of a senryu, don't you think, Grace?  And since I assume you're in an aquarium, I guess there's no way to indicate season, is there... though much modern haiku merely snap-shots nature without the seasonal reference, I hear.  Anyhow, might this be more haikuish?

filmy nothingness;
face turned to a camera
flat fish fades away

deLighting in our exchanges, Daniel  :sun:

settlers in chest
congest the neighborhood;
cilliness stirred up

Posted by: Cybele Oct 30 04, 10:19

Hi Daniel,  sun.gif

QUOTE
I think that's more of a senryu, don't you think, Grace?  And since I assume you're in an aquarium, I guess there's no way to indicate season, is there... though much modern haiku merely snap-shots nature without the seasonal reference, I hear.


Like the fish, it depends which way you look at it LOL.gif LOL.gif

settlers in chest
congest the neighborhood;
cilliness stirred up


Hm. Hm Would that be senryu Daniel  detective.gif  Jester.gif


flood tide
a mournful curlew cries
waiting, waiting


Love

Grace
rainbow.gif

Posted by: JustDaniel Oct 31 04, 01:00

I suppose it is, Grace... one from a guy with onset bronchitis... that has had me in bed all day long... except to go to the doc's whom I discovered was away!  Fortunately, the on-call doc responded to my call and called in a prescription for antibiotics... so now I'm killin' off all the bad (and probably the good) antigen fighters inside me.

QUOTE
flood tide
a mournful curlew cries
waiting, waiting


ebb tide
a plumping plover pipes
wading, wading

sLightly ku-ku, Daniel  sun.gif

tongue-tied
a robbin' dread-breast croaks
heavin' heaven

Posted by: Cybele Oct 31 04, 02:36


Hello Daniel, wave.gif

Ah 'tis the season of coughs and colds once more  ghostface.gif Sorry about the bronchitis. Take care of yourself. Couch.gif

QUOTE
ebb tide
a plumping plover pipes
wading, wading



Nice riposte! Fencing.gif



tongue-tied
a robbin' dread-breast croaks
heavin' heaven


(Shouldn't have swallowed that tadpole, should he?  LOL.gif )

Love

Grace
rainbow.gif

Posted by: Cybele Oct 31 04, 02:40

Scene in the park.


late for the skein;
amorous goose bidding
widowed cob farewell


Love

Grace
rainbow.gif

Posted by: JustDaniel Oct 31 04, 05:14

lonely widowed goose
stays back to tend her gosling;
regrets taking a gander

sLightly askew, Daniel  :sun:

Posted by: Cybele Nov 1 04, 17:42

 lilac teardrops cling
to grey stone in spring sunshine;
old wisteria  

Posted by: JustDaniel Nov 2 04, 11:18

QUOTE (Cybele @ Nov. 01 2004, 17:42)
 lilac teardrops cling
to grey stone in spring sunshine;
old wisteria  

Grace, I'm not sure I get the connection between the two snapshots, even though the first one is quite good.  Could you explain?

... and did you get the humor in my little 'haiku'?  or did you not wish to take a further gander at it?  :turkey:

This may be more of a senryu; it's certainly borderline... or maybe I should give it a title and make it a faux-ku?  Do you think I can be completely serious?

turkey flaps its wings
to perch above young lions;
pride before the fall


sLightly rumpled, Daniel  :sun:

Posted by: Cybele Nov 2 04, 12:20




Hello Daniel,
wave.gif

QUOTE
Grace, I'm not sure I get the connection between the two snapshots, even though the first one is quite good.  Could you explain?



lilac teardrops cling
to grey stone in spring sunshine;
old wisteria  

lilac teardrops are the racines of wisteria flowers which hang like clusters of teardrops.
suspended from the grey stone wall of an old house.


This is a very old wisteria (over 100 years old ) that I saw in Bicton Botanical gardens in Devon)


Sorry Daniel, I have been rather distracted by friends over the last coupl of days and have been posting in a hurry.

lonely widowed goose
stays back to tend her gosling;
regrets taking a gander

This of course is up to your usual standard of wit, and as usual made me smile.  laugh.gif

turkey flaps its wings
to perch above young lions;
pride before the fall


Similarly Daniel, I understand perfectly both parts of this one and like the pride before the fall but can't see the connection. Is it something to do with Thanksgiving?  Being British, you will realise it is something we don't celebrate. Fencing.gif LOL.gif


Britain in bloom ;
in every lamp post basket
clown-faced pansies dance


A small explanation

Britain in Bloom is a yearly contest to find the best floral decorations in cities and towns throughout Great Britain, and to gain recognition with an award is very good for tourism, so competition is fierce.

Love

Grace
rainbow.gif

Posted by: JustDaniel Nov 2 04, 14:13

Hi, Grace!  wave.gif

Ahh... I had been thinking of lilac not as color but as the tree! That makes the picture crystal-clear.
:)
... but now you'll have to tell me what a racine is, since, except for a Frenchman and the name of 5 cities in the US, nine dictionaries I consulted don't have a definition for it.

As for distractions, believe me, my bronchitis has been a big one the last several days too, so no need for explanations... though they're always appreciated!

I always enjoy your smile, so I'm pleased that both of these gave you one.  The closing line of the second one is a double reference, first to pride as the quality (positive or negative) of a being; second to a pride of young lions... preparing to devour the flapping creature one fine fall day... the beginning of its fall to pride.  Though I'm sure the lions will be thankful, I'd no thought of Thanksgiving, so we've no need to get out our epees.  Time for appeasement!

Your latest SENRYU is magnificent, even without your explanation. I could picture the beauty before reading the background, but it enriches it the more.  cheer.gif

deLightingly, Daniel  sun.gif


exhausted maple
surreptitiously draws in;
limbs lose their color


© MLee Dickens’son 02 Nov 2004

Posted by: Cybele Nov 2 04, 17:05

Oops Daniel,   blush21.gif

QUOTE
but now you'll have to tell me what a racine is, since, except for a Frenchman and the name of 5 cities in the US, nine dictionaries I consulted don't have a definition for it.


Sorry, a typo should be raceme ( a cluster of flowers) looking not unlike a bunch of grapes.

exhausted maple
surreptitiously draws in;
limbs lose their color


So sad Daniel!  I have an acer maple (miniature) in my garden which I have had for about twelve years and I have never seen it look more beautiful than it does right at this moment, Must be a haiku in there somewhere  :detective:  

Now on a lighter note..

kitchen drawer;  
even knowing it’s not here
my search continues


Love

Grace
rainbow.gif

Posted by: JustDaniel Nov 3 04, 08:20

Hey, Grace...

just back from the Philadelphia Airport, picking up my oldest daughter back from visiting my middle one and her husband in San Diego.  Feeling a bit better, but staying home from work again today to recuperate and catch up with myself physically.

Thank you for comment on my serious piece about the maple closing up shop for the fall and winter.  Did you notice the sneaky little wink that I squeezed into it?   upside.gif

As to your miniature, yes, I'm betting there is a HAIKU in there somewhere.  Why not post it... since you've gotten so very good at posting rather excellent SENRYU in this tile!  cheer.gif

QUOTE (Cybele @ Nov. 02 2004, 17:05)
kitchen drawer;  
even knowing it’s not here
my search continues

I know you've been a bit rushed... and that can both make you try to find a haiku in your kitchen drawer and then mistake it for a senryu and then perhaps even use more words to express it than may be necessary.  I know you'd never do that if you were at leisure!  Here's a cheeky pen and ink tweak 'suggestion'... before you refocus your attention out of your drawers and back to another well-seasoned look outside for a haiku:

artist's delusion

kitchen drawer;
though the object wasn't there
her paws continued


~  ~  ~
garden artist's stroke:
leaves flow from drawn canvas
to mulch wintered roses


sharin' deLight, Daniel  sun.gif

Posted by: Cybele Nov 3 04, 17:57

Hi Daniel,

Feeling a little  better I hope?  wink.gif



kitchen drawer;  
even knowing it’s not here
my search continues


QUOTE
....and then perhaps even use more words to express it than may be necessary.

kitchen drawer;
though the object wasn't there
her paws continued



Is it me Daniel? I count exactly the same number of word here.  Speechless.gif  Speechless.gif rofl.gif

But, yes your are right I keep posting senryu in haiku and vice-versa. They seem to want to be together. Perhaps we shouldn't fight it? rofl.gif

I am becomong quite paranoid and am now checking to see if I am answering in senryu or haiku. Help!! upside.gif

garden artist's stroke:
leaves flow from drawn canvas
to mulch wintered roses



Now isn't that senryu?  Jester.gif



I found this and thought I would give it a try...

The Technique of Narrowing Focus - This is something Buson used a lot because he, being an artist, was a very visual person. Basically what you do is to start with a wide-angle lens on the world in the first line, switch to a normal lens for the second line and zoom in for a close-up in the end.


in the vast heavens
a supernova explodes;
lotus flower blossoms


Love

Grace
rainbow.gif

Posted by: JustDaniel Nov 3 04, 22:09

Darn, Grace!  I'm wondering if you're getting my tongue-in-cheek...

like my (maple) syrup-ticious word squeezed in...  or my chiding you for a wordy senryu in this haiku tile and then 'suggesting' a faux-ku in the same tile as a 'correction' of yours... complete with a total twist of the meaning of draw-er? And this particular artist is a landscape gardener preparing his roses for the winter, having raked leaves onto a canvas, then dragging them to his roses to mulch them. Did you notice?  [ That's half the joy of sharing with you! The little winks! I simply love to take off on your wonderful pieces.  Your senryu honestly have become marvelous! ]

Now... back to haiku.  

You'll have to tell me more about Buson.  [Please don't forget that you're sharing here with an unread bumpkin here, ya know, Grace.  blush21.gif ]   I do love the simple technique of focus you share!  Neat.  And you've given a great example of it too.

QUOTE
in the vast heavens
a supernova explodes;
lotus flower blossoms


crisp, now orange moon

peeks through naked maple twigs;

spider spins intrigue



© MLee Dickens’son 03 Nov 2004

spinnin' de Light, Daniel  sun.gif

Posted by: Cybele Nov 4 04, 16:48

[b]Hi Daniel,

QUOTE
Darn, Grace!  I'm wondering if you're getting my tongue-in-cheek...

like my (maple) syrup-ticious word squeezed in...

Must admit I didn't get the syrup-ticious. We don't have maple syrup over here only golden syrup Daniel.

or my chiding you for a wordy senryu in this haiku tile and then 'suggesting' a faux-ku in the same tile as a 'correction' of yours... complete with a total twist of the meaning of draw-er?

Sorry, missed the irony here too Daniel. Think I must be tired, I just picked up on the 'wordy' bit.

And this particular artist is a landscape gardener preparing his roses for the winter, having raked leaves onto a canvas, then dragging them to his roses to mulch them. Did you notice?


This. I understood completely, and a very lovely picture it is too, but I was so delighted to see that you too were posting Senryu in the haiku tile I had to laugh at that.

[ That's half the joy of sharing with you! The little winks! I simply love to take off on your wonderful pieces.  Your senryu honestly have become marvelous!


I am now getting a little paranoid and have to check back to see if I am answering in Senryu or Haiku. Why can't the two live side by side. After all they are both Haiku ?

Perhaps it would be easier if you were to post one piece at a time Daniel, then I could give it my whole attention, comment on it and then post another piece.  At the moment the typing is wearing my fingers to the bone and what do I have to show for it? Nothing but bony fingers LOL.gif


Meanwhile back at the haiku tile...



rosy-hued twilight
a flock of starlings practice
their Mexican wave



Love


Grace
rainbow.gif

Posted by: JustDaniel Nov 5 04, 16:10

wave.gif You've nothing at all to feel paranoid about, Grace.  Ya ain't bein' pursued or persecuted or stalked.  smart.gif  You're doin' right well in both tiles.  

You've just given us another super example of a haiku.  I love the touch of the Mexican wave. cheer.gif

I'm not sure where you'll think this one belongs!

warm waves in Rio
lick sandy mounds that topple...
less than Bikini's


blush21.gif Lightly, Daniel  sun.gif

Posted by: Cybele Nov 8 04, 09:47

[b]Hello Daniel,

Back from my trip to Cornwall.


QUOTE
warm waves in Rio
lick sandy nmounds that topple...
less than Bikini's

Hmmm, yes I've seen pictures of those bikini's in Rio and from the rear it looked as if the wearers had been strapped for cash !! LOL.gif

Lick sandy nmounds (was that deliberated or a typo?)




Tell you what Daniel, I don't mind if they are senryu of haiku.  


bitter winter's night,
eerie moonlight illumines
a frozen scarecrow


Love

Grace
rainbow.gif

Posted by: JustDaniel Nov 8 04, 10:38

It was an interesting typo, huh?  Speechless.gif

How about this for a follow-up to your inspiring piece, Grace?  (And welcome bac to CornBall!)

shiver to mourning;
rays strike scarecrow’s frozen head
as tears flow lightly


Huggin' Lightly, Daniel  sun.gif

Posted by: Cybele Nov 17 04, 03:46

Hi there Daniel,

I hope the patient is recovering? Another couple of days at home before I dash off again.

QUOTE
shiver to mourning;
rays strike scarecrow’s frozen head
as tears flow lightly


Nice riposte Daniel, I especially like the image in the second and third lines, very visual.


Back to glorious Autumn then..  

autumn’s lost treasure
nestling on a bed of leaves
a dove-grey feather


Love

Grace
rainbow.gif

Posted by: JustDaniel Nov 17 04, 04:13

ah, a very sensitive piece!  You make the feather bed sneak up on the reader!

grey-feather dove
no more winters in Rio;
she misses her flight


wimpering Lightly, Daniel  :sun:

P.S.  My bronchitis has mostly flown away.  I wish I could!

Posted by: Cybele Nov 19 04, 03:26

Hi Daniel,

Glad to hear you are recovering, I know how awful bronchitis is.  Speechless.gif

grey-feather dove
no more winters in Rio;
she misses her flight


nice reply Daniel, but I am having trouble reading that shade of blue it comes out far too pale on my screen.  smart.gif


morning glories
reflect  the cerulean sky;
blues music


Love

Grace
rainbow.gif

Posted by: JustDaniel Nov 19 04, 11:24

Hey, Grace...

I'm not sure whether I'm shady... ghostface.gif  or pale in insignificance against the bacground of your poetry!  upside.gif

... but I certainly like your latest haiku!

Now, if you don't object too strongly, I'd like to introduce the serious haiku that your piece again mused [ You may simply remove the title from it to have what I think on the surface (floating feathers) is a rather innocent haiku ] in the form of my infamous faux-ku:

blue eau beau

cerulean wind
wooed eider down between reeds;
blew music heaven


© MLee Dickens’son 19 Nov 2004

It it always a pleasure to bounce off of you!

Lightly beaming, Daniel  sun.gif

Posted by: Cybele Nov 20 04, 03:49

Good morning Daniel,  sun.gif


cerulean wind
wooed eider down between reeds;
blew music heaven


I much prefer this as a serious haiku Daniel. A lovely picture!



It is teeming down over here, (which inspired this piece)


fat  raindrops
dance merrily on  the pond;
fat frog croaks the tune


Love

Grace
rainbow.gif

Posted by: JustDaniel Nov 27 04, 22:41

Please note again, Grace, that the title on my haiku was just a practice addition... and it IS a serious faux-ku.  Don't you think a person can be VERY serious with a twinkle in his eye?  I wanted you to hear the oboe in the bacground of the orchestra along with the vocals!  Did you?

But I do honestly appreciate your prodding me toward the purely serious haiku.  I hope I haven't kept others away with my humor.  I have a tendency to do that, I've learned!

Anyhow, I found your latest rendition cute, but a bit on the fat side!  wink.gif  I've been trying to think of something to pair with it, but an image of a frog 'croaking' keeps coming to mind, and I see myself fishing him out of the bottom of the pond or seeing him floating on the top all bloated... so I've just stayed away for a bit.

But alas I come back to have that same word croak out at me!

maple leaf dances

to strains of an autumn air;

pond ripples applause


strokin' Lightly, Daniel  wave.gif

Posted by: Cybele Nov 28 04, 10:10

Hello Daniel,


QUOTE
maple leaf dances

to strains of an autumn air;

pond ripples applause


Quite lovely and LIGHT LOL.gif


summer balloon fest
silent silken  rainbows rise;
child blows bright bubbles


I know, it's senryu, but it is still haiku  sun.gif

Lolve

Grace
rainbow.gif

Posted by: JustDaniel Dec 1 04, 10:57

dove saw yer balloon;
it
sent ya a rude, high coo
just to put ya down

dove coos at strange orbs;
balloons and bubbles float past
as cloud wrinkles brow

Posted by: Cybele Dec 2 04, 04:53

Hello Daniel,

Couldn't see this one until I transferred it here. That light blue doesn't show up very well at all.

dove coos at strange orbs;
balloons and bubbles float past
as cloud wrinkles brow


Very good Daniel, but no cl;ouds on this beautiful morning. They held off till the next morning, thank goodness.

Love

Grace
rainbow.gif

Posted by: Cybele Dec 2 04, 04:58

Hi Daniel,

A turn around. My reply to you reply. LOL.gif




QUOTE
dove coos at strange orbs;
balloons and bubbles float past
as cloud wrinkles brow





            billing and cooing
            turtle doves in a pear tree;
            cotton clouds float by



                   :dove:  :dove:


Love

Grace
rainbow.gif

Posted by: JustDaniel Dec 3 04, 07:10

QUOTE (Cybele @ Dec. 02 2004, 04:58)
            billing and cooing
            turtle doves in a pear tree;
            cotton clouds float by



                   dove.gif  dove.gif

turnabout is fair play in this thread!

medusa.gif grouse a bit ruffled
dove.gif when squatter doves nest his pear;
Speechless.gif soon he goes coo coo


turnin' on de Light, Daniel  sun.gif

Posted by: JustDaniel Dec 6 04, 09:37

Continuing the bird theme, I went outside to my van at work this morning to be surrounded by this scene... and just as suddenly, it disappeared:

tinkle-like cackling
swarms from sky, filling tree heights;
grackles leave ~ silence


© Daniel J Ricketts 06 Dec 2004

Posted by: Jox Jan 24 05, 20:38

Hi,

Towards undefining haiku...

The British Haiku Society (membership £20-25 pa) has an excellent web page...

http://www.britishhaikusociety.org/

I suggest you take a look there and click on the "Occasional Papers" link on the left menu bar. The paper sets-out the parameters for haiku, as they see it and even mentions sci-fi haiku etc.

There is also a page of national competition winning entries - some of which abnadon the 5-7-5 format.

I quote a small piece from the website:

"Followers of haiku also debate whether the Japanese haiku experience (defined in socio-cultural, literary, linguistic and environmental terms) is too exotic to be assimilated by the West, and they argue about the validity of supposed Japanese 'rules' on how to make haiku - even though there has never been unanimity in Japan itself about such principles, and the view of haiku available to most people in the West is one clouded by translation and the mind-sets of those who did the translating."

"These are the reasons why it is unlikely, either now or at any time in the future, that there will ever be an absolute consensus of what haiku means to the informed person.."

I think this means that Grace's haiku with its different syllable count for all (except me who does see it as 5.7.5) is fine and that my more extreme views are fine, too. This second quote rather sums-up the situation...

"Some regard the form of 17 syllables (divided 5-7-5) as sacrosanct, as if it had some indefinable poetic or spiritual justification, or was ordained by literary history. The fact is, the form derives from nothing more mysterious than inbred Japanese phrasing, found in statements as unpoetic as police notices and TV commercials."

There is also mention of Senryu - defined very much as Daniel has already stated on MM. However, the following is interesting...

"For most Japanese there is, for cultural-historical reasons, an almost unbridgeable gap between haiku and senryu. Because of our traditions in the West, this kind of compartmentalisation is unsustainable. The majority of Western writers produce haiku and senryu indiscriminately."

I recommend a visit to the site. It does suggest parameters which define these two verse forms and says specific approaches and topics could not be consodered to be haiku. In fact it is very impressive.

The British haiku Society runs competitions - but only for its members, apparently - though, as I understand it, anyone from anywhere in the World is welcome to join.

All the best, James.

Posted by: Cybele Jan 25 05, 03:41

Thank you for this James,

May I add this extract found on the site Yellow Moon?

  Haiku is usually written in three lines with a strict maximum of 17 syllables in a traditional pattern of 5-7-5, but English syllables are not the same as Japanese onji. They vary in length. So many English haiku may have fewer syllables.
    Haiku should contain a seasonal word but you do not need to use the names of the actual seasons, such as Spring or Autumn. Other, less predictable words may indicate season - wattle, buds, rapeseed, new life, almond blossom, falling leaves, melting snow. Use the names of the seasons themselves to symbolise birth, life, growing old, or death. Symbolic words have deeper meaning. A crow may allude to death; a raven to a message. Water may suggest an emotion, or air a spirit.
    Haiku is a simple statement or image, a moment keenly perceived, about a physical aspect of nature which induces an emotional human response and the contemplation of life's wonder and transience. Unlike other poetic styles, haiku disregards such contrivances as alliteration, assonance or rhyme, unless these occur naturally. It uses the natural flow of voice patterns. In haiku nothing is 'like' or 'as' something else - it is only itself. It is the human observation of, and identification with, the natural world that shape the haiku.
    Do not start each line of your haiku with a capital letter unless that line is an independent sentence. Use of enjambment (one line flowing into another) is preferable to short staccato phrases. Haiku is rarely about individuals so does not often use the personal pronoun, although a derivation of haiku called SENRYU does.


Hope this helps.

Posted by: Jox Jan 25 05, 03:57

Thanks Grace.

It seems to me that there is very little agreement about what a haiku should be. They tend to occupy three lines and are quite short. They are often about nature. They were originally based on Japanese verse form. Beyond that I see no firm consensus. Certainly the number of syllables, the subject, the use of metaphor (frowned on by many) can fine and so on. Much rests on English translations of the original Japanese - and these seem many and variable.

I think this underlines the point I'm trying to make which is that strict form in haiku is erroneous. Moreover, there is no reason why individuals should not develop the form for themselves (as you say you were doing with your clock tower).

Lori invents new forms but the line between invention and development is fine. Unless we are to fossilise forms then they must be developed. Nonetheless, when people wish to adhere strictly to what they believe to be a classic form that is fine, too. I just think we should accept that a plurality of approach is fine. I would ask just three questions:

What is poetry for?
Why does it matter if classic interpretations - or misinterpretations - are not adhered to?
Should not developments be welcomed? (They do not harm the other versions - which remain to be used by anyone).

James.

Finally, and on a more personal note, I suppose. Whenever someone says I should do something, I immediately see a challenge. I want to know why I should? why they are saying I should? what authority they have to say so? why I should actually do what is said? I find the majority of the time people are merely trying to impose their views as gospel. I almost always see "should" as a challenge and usually feel duty-bound to both argue that they are basing their claim on their own chosen foundations and to go in the opposite direction as hard as possible to prove "should" is merely an opinion. And when people challenge me on my assertions (because I do the same, of course) I relish the argument - can be fascinating. So, when I see "Haiku should contain a seasonal word but you do not need to..." I feel almost duty bound to write a haiku which is abstract or based on (as the British Haiku Society says is possible) science fiction. Then again, I'm not a fan of science fiction unless some idea hits me... or was it some Japanese spirit - The Haiku God?


Posted by: jgdittier Jan 28 05, 18:12

moon and sun align
a shadow transits landscapes
how bright this candle

Posted by: Jox Jan 28 05, 18:18

Hi Ron,

Good to see you venturing into haiku.

Just one q... transites? Couldn't find it in the dictionary - could you please enlighten me?

Cheers, James.

Posted by: Toumai Jan 29 05, 03:34

Hi Jgd,

This is beautiful - the eclipse shadow sweeping across the scene and the sudden darkness.

My mother-in-law saw a solar eclipse a few years ago stying at a friend's farm in Devon and she said that as darkness swept accross the hills all the bats flew out of the barn in confusion (and then dashed back again when the sunlight returned).

I think I remember seeing in the Haiku definitions that there is supposed to be a 'natural seasonal image' but no doubt the experts (Grace, Daniel, Cleo and others) can explain that if 'tis so. Otherwise it would qualify as Senryu, which seems to be similar form but with less strict requirements on content (although from recent discussions on MM all are English-speaking impositions on what were after all forms from a very different language and tradition.... )

(I'm not sure if I'm supposed to write so much in a non-crit forum - apolgies if I have said too much, and I will edit if asked.)

Fran

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