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Posted on: Nov 4 07, 19:47 |
Creative Chieftain
Group: Bronze Member
Posts: 544
Joined: 3-May 07
From: Central Florida
Member No.: 427
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Hi Eric, My daughter has been very ill, and I have been spending most of my time in the hospital with her, but I went in early today to do battle with her doctors, who want to send her home that way. I won...thankfully.
A few observations - - - please don't center unless there's a reason for it, such as shaped poetry. Carlton Cards won't be interested, and the rest of us find it mostly annoying. Think of the good ole daze when there were typewriters - it took a fair bit of doing to center anything, and it wasn't done. Now a click of the mouse and presto.
I don't think Carlton cards would get any submissions from me...nor Hallmark...only Blue Mountain Arts, lol.
No punctuation in a title. It ruins things.
Oh, comeon- you take all the fun out of life!...
V1, "blowing branches outside" is the subject clause. I get the weird image of branches huffing and puffing their little buds out, each one trying to outblow the other. It would be better to describe them as "windblown" or something along those lines.
windlblown is good...change there coming up..
In V2, you could say "listening to the snores, gurgles, or quiet breathing" if you were of a mind to.
I will consider this also!
V3, a coupla thoughts. There's subject/verb disagreement here >> The swish, swish of machines keep making their insistant sounds. It's the swish that keeps making its incessant sounds (is that the word you meant?). It should be singular "its" here too. Otherwise, it would need to be The machines keep swish, swish, swishing their insistant sounds. typo in insistant, no matter what.
I hesitated about that verb, and figured I would get called on it if it was wrong and you did...I was tired and depressed when I wrote this...it brought back memories of my "County Home" days when I worked the 11-7 shift...a very eerie place. I worked in the skilled nursing units, where the coma patients on trachs, and end stage Alzheimer and dementia patients were kept. It was the last stop on the journey..a sad, sad place. Somebody had to do it. I learned a lot of lessons in those days back in the 90's.
There's nuttin wrong with your last sentence, but consider >> This is their last stop on the circuit... a one way ticket home. Of course, that may not be what you intend to say.
Yup, it WAS what I wanted to say..but I always look forward to my "Merlin" crits. They always make sense. God Bless, Judi |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #104100
· Replies: 7
· Views: 3,478
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Posted on: Nov 2 07, 23:06 |
Creative Chieftain
Group: Bronze Member
Posts: 544
Joined: 3-May 07
From: Central Florida
Member No.: 427
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Revision 2
Light from the nursing desk insinuates down dark hallways. Windblown branches outside create snaking shadows on old plaster walls painted a sickly pea green. I almost hear the patients' inner voices cry out to leave this sterile place.
I push my cart from room to room, listening to snores, gurgles, or quiet breathing from each bed. Some cry out in sleep, and I wonder if they still dream.
It's always the same- I clean, swab, bandage, turn or medicate, whatever needs be done. The swish of ventilators keep making insistant sounds and my rubber soles squeak slightly on waxed tile floors. This is the last stop on their journey, a one-way ticket home.
I hang another bag of nourishment and restart the pump that keeps these empty shells alive. If I were God, they would not be here.
--
Judith Anne Labriola
Revision 1
Light from the nursing desk insinuates its way down dark hallways. Windblown branches outside create weird shadows on old walls painted a sickly shade of pea green. I can almost hear the patient's inner voices crying out to leave this sterile place.
I push my cart from room to room, listening to snores, gurgles, or quiet breathing from each bed and hear them cry out in sleep. I wonder if they can still dream
It's always the same- I clean, swab, bandage, turn or medicate, whatever needs be done. The swish of ventilators keep making insistent sounds, and my rubber soles squeak slightly on worn tile floors. This is the last stop on their journey, a one-way ticket home.
I hang another bag of nourishment and restart the pump that keeps them alive. If I was God, they would not be here.
--
Judith Anne Labriola
Original Version
Light from the nursing desk insinuates its way down dark hallways. Blowing branches outside create weird shadows on the walls. I can almost hear each patient's inner voice crying to leave this sterile place.
I push my cart from room to room, listening to the snored, gurgled, or quiet breathing from each bed. It's always like this, I clean, swab, bandage, turn or medicate, whatever needs be done.
The swish, swish of machines keep making their insistant sounds. My rubber soles squeak slightly on worn tile floors. This is the last stop on the circuit...their one way ticket home.
--
Judith Labriola November 2007 |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #104029
· Replies: 7
· Views: 3,478
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Posted on: Oct 11 07, 09:54 |
Creative Chieftain
Group: Bronze Member
Posts: 544
Joined: 3-May 07
From: Central Florida
Member No.: 427
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QUOTE (ohsteve @ Oct 11 07, 08:06 ) [snapback]103529[/snapback] Night Flight
Path of a dragonfly across the moon stilled pond. spider silk thin wake, follows. Flying low avoiding bats of night, only to be taken by a large rainbow trout. I really like the lesson in this poem....we must always be careful of everything, over and under, and walk the middle line...at least that is my motto...LOL... I have no nits...Blessings, Judi |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #103538
· Replies: 6
· Views: 2,822
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Posted on: Oct 11 07, 09:49 |
Creative Chieftain
Group: Bronze Member
Posts: 544
Joined: 3-May 07
From: Central Florida
Member No.: 427
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QUOTE (ohsteve @ Oct 11 07, 07:53 ) [snapback]103526[/snapback] Judi...Well done for walking in someone elses shoes, very powerful stuff.. prejudice, hatred, mass indignities,,,feeling cuaght well ..IMHO very good piece. Steve Steve...Thanks so much! In my writing, I try to always put myself where the other person happens to be...and in every case, one can reverse the picture and put in their own feelings...but in the end, both sides are the same, and time is the answer. My Best, Judi |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #103537
· Replies: 8
· Views: 4,973
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Posted on: Oct 11 07, 06:11 |
Creative Chieftain
Group: Bronze Member
Posts: 544
Joined: 3-May 07
From: Central Florida
Member No.: 427
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QUOTE (Cleo_Serapis @ Oct 11 07, 06:39 ) [snapback]103522[/snapback] Hi Judi, I just had a thought. How about: Come fly with me to a far-away world; (This way, it has alliteration to 'fly' and doesn't trap you into one type of book... Sorry not to be online much recently, I'm battling an AWEFUL sinus infection/earache and I think I'm beating now. Hope so, we're off to see the Mouse on vacation tomorrow for 12 days. Perhaps seeing all the fun things there will inspire my muse? Cheers ~Cleo P.S. I like your changes to present tense too! KUDOS Thanks Lori....I hope you have a great time...I live 45 minutes away from it, and we've been there so much it doesn't seem to be a treat anymore...but I remember my first time there...it was exciting....I know you will like it...Take care..Judi |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #103524
· Replies: 18
· Views: 5,292
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Posted on: Oct 10 07, 07:42 |
Creative Chieftain
Group: Bronze Member
Posts: 544
Joined: 3-May 07
From: Central Florida
Member No.: 427
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QUOTE (Eisa @ Oct 10 07, 04:26 ) [snapback]103501[/snapback] This is great fun Judi! and your revisions have improved the flow. The only thing I can mention is that perhaps 'storybook world' is not so original as 'paperback world' although I can see that it would include hard covers too. I'm wondering if there is an aternative - paperback really seemed fresh, whereas storybook is a little cliche. A great read to make me smile Snow I liked paperback also, but had several comments on it.. I will have to chew on it. Maybe an entirely NEW word would satisfy everyone...How about "Make Believe world or "Let's pretend" world...(When I was little there was a radio program every Saturday here, called "Let's pretend and I LOVED it...I learned to read at a very young age and I had a book of Fairy tales that I read all the time...) Guess I am approaching senility...LOL...(((Judi))) |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #103502
· Replies: 18
· Views: 5,292
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