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Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews _ ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 _ Reaper's Blush

Posted by: hellfire Jun 28 10, 11:16

Death
was left,
blushing red

Abruptly caught
trying
to steal my breath
and mistook me for dead
while,
I stood there
on a desolate beach,
with idle hands
and bare feet

Silenced
by the sleepy waves
as they, half- awake
lulled
that ray of silence,
and hushed
those forgotten lullabies
that bore
the evil cries of trepidation

And yet
as it is
with our glorious sun,
love
will never rise
before its time...

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Jun 29 10, 07:05

Hi Jim,

Just a friendly reminder to please respond to (2) threads per our forum participation tules to catch up from your other topic posted on 6/23/10 titled http://forums.mosaicmusings.net/index.php?showtopic=14451. Normally, we'd lock this thread until that is completed but I'm certain you'll have no issues with this request. You'll also need to make (2) additional responses for this topic as well before posting another new one here in Seren's Synapse.

Thanks in advance!
~Cleo

Posted by: Siren Jul 4 10, 19:12

Hello James,
This poem attracted me from the title with its gothic tone. I notice your style doesn't depend on punctuation which is ok if you want to use it as a signature. Though, I am a punctuation freak myself. (not necessarily using them correctly)

Here are my thoughts on this:

Death
was left,
blushing red

Abruptly caught
trying
to steal my breath
and mistook me for dead
while,
I stood there
on a desolate beach,
with idle hands
and bare feet

Excellent opening line personifying "Death" and I notice that you proceed with this in near rhymes. About the second part after "Abruptly" it's death that is caught, right? if so then maybe you will change where your line breaks are to continue the thought correctly.
Death
was left blushing red,
abruptly caught trying
to steal my breath. -------full stop

Mistaken for dead
I stood
on a desolate beach
with idle hands and bare feet.

I clipped off some parts of it and reworked the line breaks. Ofcourse there are just suggestions for you to take or toss.

Silenced
by the sleepy waves
as they, half- awake
lulled
that ray of silence,
and hushed
those forgotten lullabies
that bore
the evil cries of trepidation

This part is a bit wordy. Sleepy waves do mean they are half-awake, dont you think? How about:
I am silenced
by sleepy waves
with their half- awake curling
lulling that ray of silence
and hushing forgotten lullabies
as they bear
evil cries of trepidation.

Might have screwed up your thoughts but this has to read smoother IMHO, and you are free to use or lose.

And yet
as it is
with our glorious sun,
love
will never rise
before its time...

The ending seems so much simpler and empty in cmparison to the beautifully written opening. Why is the sun not animated by you here?

And yet
simulating
our glorious sun,
love
will never climb up
before its time...

Well technically "climb up" isn't a good choice of words but it's all I could come up with for now. Personify the rising of love. Give it body. I'd like the ending to be more powerful and ake me go wow.

Great read. thanks

dani

Posted by: hellfire Jul 31 10, 02:56

thanks dani
appreciate all the comments and suggestions

cheers

hellfire

Posted by: dflore Aug 2 10, 15:32

I enjoyed all the way through...a tad melodramatic though...I agree about cutting "half awake"

Posted by: ohsteve Aug 3 10, 18:17

James, an interesting take on a near death experience, I think a little better punctuation would make this more outstanding and clearer. I would not change the words though.

take care
Steve