Up Above, upstairs Options

[Guest_Lanaia_*]

I haven't lived here very long, so I'm not used to the sounds I hear
It sounds like screams of terror coming from the apartment above
I also hears thuds, what this is I'm not really clear
I bet the person that lives there wished they could fly away like a dove.

The sounds from above wake me from a deep sleep
So I am kind of groggy as I stumble around trying to find the light
With all this noise a corpse couldn't sleep
I walk into the bathroom and see the pipes are leaking again, so I get a wrench and try to turn the nut on the pipe real real tight.

Now I hear sirens it seems the police have arrived
Something bad must have happened upstairs
I wonder if sadistic things make the neighbors thrive
After what I heard for a little while I was scared.

This apartment house must really be old for my pipes to leak when they run water upstairs
I am in a state of awe, as I try to figure out what happened up above
After what I head it's hard to sit here without a care
I wish there was something I could do but I'm scared to even think about going above.

Going back into the bathroom, I see the pipes are leaking again
But what is this? The leaking water has the color of red
I know what happened now, no need to pretend
From what I can figure out someone is dead.

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hello Lanaia.

Congrats for making your first poetry post here at !

I'll throw out a disclaimer to say that free verse is not my strength, however, I look for poetic devices within, along with the shape, sound and rhythm of FV poetry.

Before I offer a critique, since this is your first post, I'd like to find out if you are open to suggestions with regard to removing some of those prepositions and shifting of some of those longer lines? Since iam partial to alliteration, I will try to offer some word alternates in that area.

Let me know your thoughts and I'll be back!
~Cleo

P.S. I see you are emplying a rhyme scheme, so in that case, we should move this poem into Our R&M forum, Herme's Homilies, but I'll wait for your response first.

[TygerTyger]

Hey Lanaia

Welcome!

First posts can be scary, can't they!

Need to know a little more about you:

How long have you been writing poetry and about how many have you written?

You're telling a rhymed story here using a prose stanza form. So each stanza is like a mini-chapter. And like all chapters in a story each adds a peice to the plot till you get to the end where you wrap everything up and put a bow on it. You have a good bow, but, the wrapping needs a little help.

And that's what we're here for!

But I agree with Cleo and before I jump into it, I need to know how far you would like us to go with suggestions. Do you want alternate word choices? Ways to make it more intense? Suggestions to shorten it? There are lots of ways to improve it but without knowing a bit more about what you want we could lead you off on a wild goose chase with our suggestions.

Lookin forward to helping!

Dennis!

[Eisa]

Hi Lania -- welcome to MM and congratulations on your first post here.

I think the advice I can give you here is to sift out any unnecessary words ... repeats and ones you could get your massage across without. I feel this might be easier to write without the rhymes (this is a FV forum)
For example yout 1st stanza could read something like this ~


I haven't lived here long,
not used to the sounds I hear --
like screams of terror from above.
What are those thuds?
I bet the person living there
wishes they could fly away.

Just one take. I will be interested to see which way you go with this one.

Snow

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Lanaia,

Liz and I have both sent you PM's with regard to fostering feedback here at MM and what is expected when posting at this site. You haven't replied to us nor have you replied to ANYONE here in your thread.

I am moving this thread to the Rhyming forum but please understand - you NEED to respond to those who've taken the time to offer you their impressions and suggestions on your work - it is what this forum is all about.

PLease check your Personal Message box when you next log in.

Kind regards.
Lori