I May Not Be Options

[JLY]

2nd Revision:  8/30 am

I MAY NOT BE

I may not be your dream guy,
nor knight in shining armor.
Temporary thoughts of me
may not cause you sleepless nights,
or make you breathlessly sigh.

I may not be a handsome guy,
with the body of Adonis;
your heartfelt desire for me,
though fleeting and polite,
may not make you soar.

My pockets may not be lined
with wealth of silver and gold;
my social standing
may not fit your wishful,
successful mold.

When it comes to love,
I’m the one you can turn to.
My heart overflows
with eternal adoration;
sincere, honest, and true.

I MAY NOT BE

I may not be your dreamiest guy,
nor your knight in shining armor.
Your momentary thoughts of me
may not cause you sleepless nights,
or make you breathlessly sigh.

I may not be the handsomest guy,
nor possess the body of Adonis.
Your heartfelt desire for me,
though fleeting and polite,
doesn't always make you feel sky high.

My pockets may not be lined
in wealth of silver and gold;
and my social standing
may not fit your wishful,
prosperous successful mold.

But when it comes to loving you,
I am one you can turn to.
My heart is over flowing
with jubilant adoration
that's sincere, honest, and true.

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi John

Aww, what a lovely poem showing us what what qualities we can find if we take the time to look beyond the superficial surface.

A few thoughts for you to take of leave as you wish.

[add] {delete} (comment)

I may not be your dream{iest} guy,
nor {your} knight in shining armor. .....(grammatically I'm not sure if it should be nor or or.  Nor doesn't seem right but I may be wrong)
{Your} momentary thoughts of me
may not cause you sleepless nights,
or make you breathlessly sigh.

I may not be the [most] handsome{st} guy,
nor possess the body of Adonis.
Your heartfelt desire for me,
though fleeting and polite,
doesn't {always make you feel sky high}[make you soar].

My pockets may not be lined
{in}[with] wealth of silver and gold;
and my social standing
may not fit your wishful,
{prosperous} successful mold.

But when it comes to loving you,
I am one you can turn to.
My heart is over flowing
with jubilant adoration
that's sincere, honest, and true

Nina

[JLY]

Nina,
Thank you for your comments. They are most helpful and I will be using them on the next revision.
JLY

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi John,

I like the way you've brought to mind the qualities we can find in
someone if we only look deep enough.  A few suggestions, please
toss if you can't use them.     {omit}[add]

I may not be your dream{iest} guy,
nor {your} knight in shining armor.
{Your} [M]omentary thoughts of me
may not cause you sleepless nights,
or make you breathlessly sigh.

I may not be {the}[a] handsome{st} guy,
{nor possess}[with] the body of Adonis{.}[;]
{Your}[yet] heartfelt desire for me,
though fleeting and polite,
doesn't always {make}[send] you {feel} sky high.

My pockets may not be lined
in wealth of silver and gold;
{and} my social standing
may not fit your wishful,
{prosperous} successful mold.

{But} [W]hen it comes to loving you,
I am one you can {turn to}[depend on].
My heart is over flowing  [Should this be one word or hyphenated?]
with jubilant adoration
that's sincere, honest, and true.


I may not be your dream guy,
nor knight in shining armor.
Momentary thoughts of me
may not cause you sleepless nights,
or make you breathlessly sigh.

I may not be a handsome guy,
with the body of Adonis;
yet heartfelt desire for me,
though fleeting and polite,
doesn't always send you sky high.

My pockets may not be lined
in wealth of silver and gold;
my social standing
may not fit your wishful,
successful mold.

When it comes to loving you,
I am one you can depend on.
My heart is overflowing
with jubilant adoration
that's sincere, honest, and true.

Just something for you to consider.  
Cathy

[AMETHYST]

Hey John,

As always, your love poetry is inspiring and romantic. The crafting of "I may not be" is well done. I enjoyed the images you've used to compare a 'fairy-tale' romance with real love-focusing on the value of those things that matter much more.

Some suggestions that I hope help make a difference to follow. Glad to see your poetry again, it always makes me smile.

Hugs, Liz

I MAY NOT BE

Normally I would suggest another title, however I liked the way this says what it means.

I may not be your dreamiest guy,
nor your knight in shining armor.
Your momentary thoughts of me
may not cause you sleepless nights,
or make you breathlessly sigh.

I agree with Nina, it would be "or." and omitting 'your' out of L2, helps the flow ease in. ... and L4, felt a little awkward, perhaps might never, could work? ... for example.

I may not be the dreamiest guy,
or knight in shining armor.
Your momentary thoughts of me
might never cause you sleepless nights
or make you breathlessly sigh.



I may not be the handsomest guy,
nor possess the body of Adonis.
Your heartfelt desire for me,
though fleeting and polite,
doesn't always make you feel sky high.

L1, the word handsomest seems weak. perhaps 'most handsome guy'
and L2, is a little too long with syllable count, it really stumbles on the read. L4, needs a little bit more, perhaps is both fleeting and polite.
I know that my example seems like an excessive amount of  revisions, however they are only left as guides to show you what I mean. The focus of most of the changes I have suggested are pretty much geared for a smooth execution.

Perhaps:
I may not be the most handsome guy,
my body's not adonis.
Your innocent desire for me,
might be both fleeting and polite,
but doesn't make you feel sky high.



My pockets may not be lined
in wealth of silver and gold;
and my social standing
may not fit your wishful,
prosperous successful mold.

:) Good stanza. not a nit.

But when it comes to loving you,
I am one you can turn to.
My heart is over flowing
with jubilant adoration
that's sincere, honest, and true.


L2, perhaps "I am the one you can turn to."

Well other than that, even if you don't use a thing or don't change a thing, this is a very sweet and romantic poem. :) Best wishes and big hugs, Liz

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi John,

Well done with this poem.

It is shorter than many you write. Whilst there is nothing wrong with long poems (some of the most famous are very long - cue "The waste Land" - I think this benefits from being more concise.

Some suggestions: [+]{-}(comments) - as always, As YOU Like It.

I MAY NOT BE (Weak title)

I may not be your dream{iest} guy,
nor your knight in shining armor.
Your momentary thoughts of me
may not cause you sleepless nights,
or make you breathlessly sigh.

I may not be {the}[a] handsom{est} guy,
nor possess the body of Adonis.
Your heartfelt desire for me,
though fleeting and polite,
doesn't always make you feel {sky}[that or very or so] high.

(Sky high is a cliche)

My pockets may not be lined
{in}[with] wealth of silver and gold;
{and} my social standing
may not fit your wishful,
prosperous successful mold.

{But}[Though] when it comes to loving you,
{I am}[I'm] one you can turn to.
My heart {is over flowing}[ over flows]
with jubilant adoration [-]
that's sincere, honest, and true[.]

(I always try to avoid "but" - sometimes impossible - it usually sounds ugly to me)

(Well done for using "nor" - too many people use "or" for a negative alternative.)

Best wishes, J.

[JLY]

Cathy,
Many thanks. I thought I would paint a picture of someone's important qualities and tried to focus on what we often overlook.
Your suggestions are most helpful as I pen my next revision.
JLY

[JLY]

Liz,
I appreciate your interest in my poems.  I wanted to create something a little different for me (shorter and to the point).
I think your suggestion of inserting "most handsome" is right on target and that will be something I will immediately focus on when I intertwine my thoughts with those of Cathy, Nina, James and yourself..
Thanks,
JLY

[JLY]

James,
We all have different styles and when we deviate from our norm it's great that our peers recognize that we have tried something new.  Most of my work tends to be long and pondering, so glad you noticed my effort to be a bit more succinct.

I have been struggling with the title...don't know yet what I am going to do with it.  Your interjected thoughts are on target and they will be incorporated with the next edition.

I find it to be very helpful to receive a collaborative approach to one's work.  One of the bright spots here at M.M is that everyone tries to offer only positive comments that will improve one's work.  

I am going to digest all that I have received and create something that will be a bit better.

thanks,
JLY

[Guest_Jox_*]

Cheers, John.

Good luck!

James.

[AMETHYST]

Yes John,

Good luck with this, it is certainly worthy. Best Wishes, Liz

[Cybele]

Good morning John,

You certainly are a romantic poet, which suits me fine. I too am a hopeless romantic.

You are trying a different style I notice. Bravo! It is always daunting to try to break out of a mould but you will really enjoy widening your horizons as I did when I decided R&M was not the only type of poetry to write.

You have had much good advice here, so I will be brief.

Your Title is fine! Please don't change it. I find it quite unique and intriguing.  

Just a query on this verse John

But when it comes to loving you,
I am one you can turn to.
My heart is over flowing       (overflowing, one word)
with jubilant adoration
that's sincere, honest, and true.

I see you have inadvertently used a rhyme in the first two lines. I realise you have used the occasional rhyme throughout but the fact that these two rhymes follow one another jump out at me as a little forced.

Since you have used a rhyme in L1, L2 and L5 perhaps you could drop the one in the first line?

But when it comes to love,
I'm the one you can turn to.
My heart is overflowing
with eternal adoration      
sincere, honest and true.

'eternal'.  indicating lifetime fidelity instead of present happiness.


Thanks for the read.

[JLY]

Grace,
Rhyming is in my blood and veins.....I rhyme when it isn't even necessary. I guess it's a habit I have to break free of one I venture into the Free Verse arena.

I never noticed the things you pointed out; but now I can see what you mean.  I have much work to do on this short piece and I am going to fix it and post a revision later this week.

My next posting will probably be back in Herme's  where I feel more comfortable....but then I again I might surprise everyone and post another F.V one.

Regards,
JLY

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi John,

I see only one spot that doesn't sound quite right.

I may not be a handsome guy,
with the body of Adonis;
yet heartfelt desire for me,
though fleeting and polite,
doesn't always make you soar.

I would drop "yet" in line 3, go figure, I'm the one who
suggested it!  LOL  Go back to the original "your".  You
have used "may not" in the 4th line of a couple of different
stanzas, why not use it here in line 5 in keeping with the
title and the rest of the poem?

I may not be a handsome guy,
with the body of Adonis;
your heartfelt desire for me,
though fleeting and polite,
may not make you soar.


Just a thought!  LOL
Cathy

[JLY]

Cathy,
This is great, you are critting your own crits and I am the beneficiary of all of this.....I look to you and others for pointing me in the right direction.
JLY

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi John.

A lovely piece, like a promise - look beyond the physical and the treasures she'll find cannot be measured!  :lovie:

I've a few suggetions below (mostly word changes) to take or toss as you see fit. I have not read any of the other crits yet, so apologies if these are repeated.

Well done!
~Cleo  :sun:

[delete] {add}

I may not be your dream guy,
nor knight in shining armor.  
[Momentary] {Transitory} thoughts of me
may not [cause you] {affect} sleepless nights,
{n}or make you breathlessly sigh. <-- switch these last  two words?

I may not be a [handsome] {gorgeous} guy[,] (for alliteration)
with the body of Adonis;
your heartfelt desire for me,
though fleeting and polite,
may not make you{r desires} soar. <-- I wasn’t sure if you meant for her to soar or her desires to?

My pockets may not be lined
with [wealth] {the prosperity} of silver and gold;
my social standing
may not fit your wishful,
successful mold.

When it comes to love,
I’m the one you can turn to.
My heart [is] overflow[ing]{s}
with eternal adoration,
sincere, honest, and true.

[JLY]

Lori,
Thanks; you have added some good ideas for me to mull over.  Looks like there will be a second revision arriving soon.
JLY

[Guest_Billydo_*]

Hi John

What a deliightful poem.

No nits ... just wonder. Hope she appreciates it.

Cheers


Mike

[JLY]

Lori,
Your suggestion of "gorgeous guy" doesn't work.  Guys don't use that word when thinking of themselves...if this were penned by a woman than it would be appropriate.....I will have to stay with handsome--gives it a more realistic tone.  As much as I love alliteration, I don't want to change it.

Thanks.
JLY

[Blank_Canvas]

John,
     I really enjoyed this piece about the true measure of a man.
If you want true happiness, man or woman, you need to look beyond the physical, beyond the wealth, to the person within. The soul. I think this revision has the poem flowing much easier....really tightened it up. Nice job !
                                Marcia