A POET'S VOICE, Learning from E.D.... Options

[Psyche]

Moderator Choice Award

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A POET'S VOICE

I cannot stop the wind from blowing
Nor still the ocean tides;
A rose will bloom without my knowing
To adorn an Autumn bride;
Yet I can stretch a loving hand
To embrace a frightened child,
By greed its rights denied.

I cannot halt empires from growing
Nor make the rich provide;
A war will rage without foreknowing
To scourge fair countryside;
Yet I can join the crescent throng
Refusing to abide
While innocents have died.

Let this be writ upon my tomb:
That I did not my eyes blindfold
Nor close my heart to doom,
But rather with a poet's voice
these shameful deeds retold.

By Psyche

Copyright Sylvia Maclagan, Buenos Aires, Argentina, 2004.


Note: I wrote this poem a few months ago, in a sort of challenge with my  friend David-Tao. We both liked Emily Dickinson's poem Life, iv,  so we attempted to follow her rhyming pattern. I hasten to add that I have not done a strict syllable count, the idea was to copy the end rhyme of the lines and achieve a similar balance. Length was optional and I added a 5L last stanza for good measure... good learning practice, I hope...
I am not obsessive about mathematical precision...   .... but will appreciate all crits very much indeed.

LIFE, iv, by Emily Dickinson

If I can stop one heart from breaking,
I shall not live in vain;
If I can ease one life the aching,
Or cool one pain,
Or help one fainting robin
Unto his nest again,
I shall not live in vain.

Isn't it a lovely poem?

[Guest__*]

Dear Psyche,

This is lovely, for me, much lovelier than the original. Its sentiment is fine, but somehow to sweetish, and I have rudely spoofed it, hers, not yours !

Coupla very minor points for you to chuck, or ....

I cannot stop the wind from blowing
Nor still the ocean tides;
A rose will bloom without my knowing
To adorn an Autumn bride;
Yet I can stretch a loving hand
To embrace a frightened child -- add comma at end of line
By greed its rights denied.

I cannot halt empires from growing -- stop would b eeasier to say here, and help the ba-dums !
Nor make the rich provide;
A war will rage without foreknowing
To scourge fair country sides; -- if you did "the countryside, perfect rhyme ?
Yet I can join the crescent throng -- don't know what you mean here
Refusing to abide
While innocents have died.

Let this be writ upon my tomb:
That I did not my eyes blindfold -- delete "that" ?
Nor close my eyes to doom, -- eyes twice, is there another word ?
But rather with a poet's voice
All shameful deeds retold. -- such rather than all ? - All is a tall order !

Love
Alan

[jgdittier]

Dear Sylvia,
You are walking with the angels with this one! The sentiment wholly typical of the heart of the true poet and the expression/delivery of the accomplished verser Dickinson was.
You have even expanded her thrust and in doing so have added import to make yours all the more poignant.
I have written hundreds of paraphrases of the works of the bards of yore, in tribute to them and in the hopes some of their brilliance might rub off on me.
Try below for my  para of "Life iv" which I wrote only a few days ago.
 
Http://p198.ezboard.com/fthegol....1.topic

Cheers,    jgd

[Psyche]

Dear Alan and Ron !
Just had a quick peek at your comments, thank you both so much.
I've only had a moment to correct the "eyes" issue, my mistake, should have been "close my heart to doom".... always in a hurry.
Will review rest of crits asap, very grateful for your help,
hugs,
Psyche

[Guest_Toumai_*]

I agree with Alan - more determined and gutsy (it's Friday night - can't think of a better word) than the original.

How about

That I did not my gaze blindfold

to deal with one of the "eyes"?

Best wishes,
Fran

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Sylvia

You have written another wonderful poem.  I also preferred your poem.  I like the flow of the rhyme and the message in it.

My only question is with  country sides do you mean countrysides or sides as in different countries?

Nina

[Psyche]

Dear Alan,
Wow.... what a builder-upper u are !!

This is lovely, for me, much lovelier than the original. Its sentiment is fine, but somehow too sweetish, and I have rudely spoofed it, hers, not yours !

I'm introducing the comma you rightly suggest, but will leave the imperfect rhyme, I'm not strict with myself on that account. Now let's see, what else...

By "crescent throng" I intended to mean "the growing number of people" that refuses to support violence or injustice of any kind. Remember that the poem is in an old-fashioned style, hope it's correctly expressed, tho' perhaps outdated (this last doesn't worry me). I'm with Ron with regard to saving classical vocabulary, forms or styles, when I'm in the mood for them..).

I agree, I gave myself a tall order in the last line. ALL is ridiculous  :speechless:  But "such" before "shameful" is a mouthful. Let me think...

Thank you so much, Alan, for your valuable help. Have already fixed the "eye" issue.
Love,
Sylvia

[Psyche]

Hi jgd !!

Sweet words for my ears.... thank you !!

You are walking with the angels with this one!

I do enjoy paying humble tribute to the bards of yore, and in the process one learns such a lot. I absolutely agree with you on this issue, in spite of the fact that I also try my hand at more modern stuff.

I will visit the website you mention and let you know what I think. The other day I clicked on it, but one has to register, so perhaps now I'll have the necessary free time. Thanks for the tip !!

Best,
Psyche

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Sylvia,

I have been looking at this for a while. I like it far more than the original... let me re-phrase that I like yours muchly - though I don't like the original. I agree that yours is far, far better.

I like the crits so far and have seen your responses. I'm don't think I can add anything useful at the moment but I shall keep thinking.

Thank you Sylvia.

James.

[Psyche]

Hi Fran !

Thanks for reading my tribute to E.D. More gutzy, ha?! OK, I like that word   :pharoah2

That I did not my gaze blindfold

Yes, that's also a very good suggestion. Trouble is, I'd copied it out wrong the first time, now I've put "heart" in L3 of the last stanza, my original idea. Hope it sounds right now, without all the "eyes"....

Thank you, Fran,
hugs,
Psyche

[Psyche]

Dear Nina,

I'm very glad you enjoyed this one. I think it's good exercise to try a bit of R&R as frequently as possible, you know, introduce a bit of discipline once in a while..  :read:

My only question is with  country sides do you mean countrysides or sides as in different countries?

You've made me think about the countryside issue. I shall have to go to the dictionary. I meant any country's landscapes. Will check !! Thanks a lot, Nina.

Love,
Sylvia

Later: It seems to me that countryside doesn't have a plural, but I'm not sure. In which case I shall have to follow Alan's suggestion that I leave the "s" out, although he meant for rhyming reasons. Anybody know whether the word "countryside" can be pluralized? Thanks a lot !!
Best,
Sylvia  :detective:

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Sylvia!  :rainbow:

What a lovely response poem! I enjoy them very much reading even more than writing them! I find to 'copy' the bards styles of old to be GREAT learning tool - one in which I learned about meter.  :smart:


I cannot halt empires from growing
Nor make the rich provide;
A war will rage without foreknowing
To scourge fair countrysides; * no 's' at end of countryside.
Yet I can join the crescent throng
Refusing to abide
While innocents have died.

Let this be writ upon my tomb:
That I did not my eyes blindfold * Like Gaze in place of eyes.
Nor close my heart to doom,
But rather with a poet's voice
these shameful deeds retold.

Well done Psyche!
~Cleo  :pharoah2

[Arnfinn]

Good day Sylvia,

As I've read  on many ocassion, your poems reflect a compassionate and imaginative view on man's inhumanity to others, whether they be other humans or animals.


A POET'S VOICE

I cannot stop the wind from blowing
Nor still the ocean tides;
A rose will bloom without my knowing
To adorn an Autumn bride;
Yet I can stretch a loving hand
To embrace a frightened child,
By greed its rights denied.

     :troy:  :troy:  :troy:

[Psyche]

Dear Lori,
Thanks so much for stopping by in the new R&R forum, especially as you've been so very busy lately with MM admin. tasks.

I've corrected "countryside"   (Alan also pointed it out),
but prefer to leave "eyes" in L2, last stanza.

Yes, I absolutely agree with you that this sort of exercise is excellent, I think perhaps it helps with synthesis and it definitely gives you brainwork, not a bad thing to keep the old neurones functioning...  :jester:

The very first time I won a small poetry prize (at Buzzwords magazine), the challenge was to select a poet we admired, then write a "para", as Ron calls them.  :pharoah2
Which is not to say that I don't like free verse, most certainly I enjoy myself thoroughly reading and/or writing any old way  :speechless:

Thanks again, Lori,
best, Psyche  :cloud9:

[Psyche]

G'morning, Arnie !

Great to hear from you again. So glad you found my poem to your liking. I'm a late bloomer as regards poetry, as well as protesting about more or less everything in this world...  :ghostface:
Sometimes I just point out things, other times I get real ANGRY at both Man and Nature...  :borg:

I'm astounded at the way you "separated" my poem into quatrains and tercets. I hadn't really thought about that at all, you have a great eye for detail. I realise now that I answer my quatrains with my tercets... wow...  :speechless:   As if there is always something we can do in the face of injustice, even tho' its pretty hopeless, as far as I can see.
And the poem I took for this exercise (E.D.'s) doesn't hold that "logical conversation with itself",  altho' the same sentiments are there. I think I fell in love with the part about helping the fainting robin into its nest again. Some people might think it silly, but I believe small acts of mercy like that one, are as important in "the big picture" as heroic deeds.
My daughter Diana once found a sparrow out on the sidewalk, fallen out of its nest. She and I fed it oatmeal and drops of milk, keeping it warm in cotton-wool.... later we gave it mincemeat, etc. Well, you may not believe this, but we had that sparrow for FOUR YEARS, it used to hop around on the table and was part of the family. It even chose an old mirror as its toilet, always using the same place !! It had its cage and we used to take it on vacation with us, causing quite a sensation in the inns we stayed at....  :laugh:

Well, I've strayed from the subject, again...

The word "writ" is archaic English. As the poem is written in old-fashioned style, I chose to use some oldish words, i.e., halt and others.

I'll think about the last stanza. It has 5L on purpose, probably because the "oppositions" do not appear here. But as I already said, when writing it I had not thought about that inner logic that you point out (that's why I believe in Muses... somebody guiding the pen, whatever...  :cool: )

Thank you, Arnie, my friend,
best, Sylvia

[Arnfinn]

Hi Sylvia,


Thats some feat taming ye olde common house sparrow. The sparrows down here are dying out, the Indian Mynah birds are taking over.

I wasn't being critical about the word 'writ' just curious, I checked out my Etymological Dictionary and your correct 'writ' is an Old English word for writing spec. legal documents. (Though I like the) Old High German. riz stroke, written character, Old Norse rit writing, writ, letter, Gothic. writs pen-stroke, french*writ WRITE.

So there you go Sylvia, as far as writ goes I was a write-off.


May you have a nice day.



Arnie  :troy:

[Cleo_Serapis]

Congrats Sylvia for your Mod Choice award winning tile!

Well done!
~Cleo

[Psyche]

Hi Cleo and Mods !

What a lovely surprise ! Certainly didn't expect this one...  :musicband:  :musicband:  :balloons:  :partyfavor:

This poem was the result of a private challenge between David and myself (sure miss David...). :(

Also, for reasons unknown to me, it's been posted on the 1st. of each month at another website, as Poem of the Day. Don't know who decides these things,
but it sure helps to motivate one !!

Thank you very much !!
Sylvia

[Psyche]

Hi Arnie !

Hey, that's very interesting about the word "writ" and other terms you've mentioned. I also love to look up words in dictionaries. Thanks to my husband, we have a mountain of them, as well as dozens of reference books on language (he even collected dictionaries on slang and rude words, I don't dare even to give you the titles. But they are most fascinating, indeed, because many slang words that I supposed modern, turn out to have ancient usage.
Carlos has a dictionary that's dedicated solely to the "f" word, incredible !!!)

No, you're no write-off, Arnie; fact is, I enjoy your crits immensely because you delve into facts and history and terminology, as well as being an extremely insightful person. Did I already say that?   ???  

Thanks a lot,
best,
Sylvia

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Sylvia

Congratulations on winning the Mod Choice award winning tile

 :guitar:  :guitar:  :guitar:  :guitar:  :guitar:  :guitar:

Nina