WINTER Options

[Guest_Dan Culleton_*]

WINTER (edited 1/3/10)

On this settled grove, these rows of trees,
The light bright of the morning shows
To each here present now unquestionably
The fellow presence of each shuddering bough.

On this settled evening too,
Winter devises cruel clarity of sight.
False Spring this week had, demonic, doomed,
Scattered stark children among the starlings.

Shadow of child and bird soared
Until night froze them in a dream.
Always the year returns us without fail
To this ancient darkness and this cold:

Bare branches across a black sky,
Each branch hung with distant stars.

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Dan, brilliant, the only nit is the caps at all lines. I see nothing else that can keep this down. I love the stars hanging from every branch...

Steve

[Maggie]

Hi Dan,

Wonderful to read one of your works for the first time!! I agree with Steve: I too think this is brilliant!!! It is just so beautiful!! I think you've certainly done justice to a fantastic and very impressive time of year in a fantastic and impressive poem!!!

I do also agree about the all caps: Seems a bit too old style for such a lovely free verse poem to me personally.

It's so nice to meet you! I look forward to you more of your works!!!

Peggy

[Alan]

Dear Dan,

I have trouble with the rhythm while trying to read this.

But right now I want to address 2 other thoughts - I stumble every time over the to me unnaturally reversed "light bright".

And in L3 & 4 you have 2 x "each" - I think the first could easily be replaced by "all" ?

As to content, as the others say, superb !

Love
Alan

[Guest_Dan Culleton_*]

Thank you all.
I'm considering removing the caps.
Dan

[Alan]

Dear Dan,

When I first started writing in 1993 I was adamant about caps belonging in poems. Too much indoc at school perhaps, and despite never reading any poetry ?

Anyway, when I now open my old files I positively cringe at all the caps there, and if I use an old poem for some reason, I de-cap-itate it first.

Proper, yes, but old-fashioned !

Still up to you of course.

Love
Alan

[Psyche]

Hi Dan!

I'd read this a while back, but was too rushed to comment on how beautiful I think it is. On each read I find it more so.

Don't understand how I could have missed the intensity of your images, or the excellent word usage. Impressive, indeed. There are lovely inner rhymes, as well as great alliterations. And a touch of mystery mixed with dark thoughts.

I'm in two minds about 'light bright', can't say.

I'm going to nominate this piece for IBPC, I'm sure Lori will agree.

Cheers, Syl***
PS: I'm afraid I'm the odd person out, regarding Caps. They're being used quite a lot by present-day FV poets. I like them in some contexts, just as I've read some fantastic poems without any punctuation at all..!!
Most F&R authors have dropped them, that's true. Perhaps your WINTER would be better without them, simply because it's almost a form poem.

[Thoth]

Dear Dan,

Not only beautiful words, but rhythm which which has the heartbeat of nature; deliciously unpredictable. I loved the closing image.

I support the "no caps" camp. My only suggestion is in the closing couplet which I would edit thus;

"Bare branches across a black sky,
each hung with (try; attentive) stars. "

Remove the repeated noun and change the descriptor for stars. We all already know that stars are very far away.

Thank you for that lovely sketch.

Wally