THINKING OF YOU, A poem of reflection...... Options

[Guest_the_ghost_of_tom_joad_*]

 My passions now soggy with your memory,
     Like formless tides wash over me;
         Pass over like ghosts,
   Carried along by an acorn wind,
And remind me of what I mistakenly once was.

         Now weeping inside of my own skin,
  In the shallow solitude of my darkened room,
            In the blankets of sleep,
    Where rain-shaken dreams play on and on,
             I will be thinking of you.

       And someday, maybe you will know;
            Maybe you will remember me,
  Maybe you will find me sleeping in the snow,
       For wherever I am and whatever I may do,
      I will always and forever be thinking of you.

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hello GTJ!

WOW! I sense a great emotional loss in this one.  

There are some places that rhyme and others that do not, so I'm not quite sure if that's your intent? I also see some repetition in your word choices (again, this perhaps is by choice)? Please take or toss anything I offer.

Regards,
Cleo


My passions now soggy with your memory,
    Like formless tides wash over me;
        Pass over like ghosts,
  Carried along by an acorn wind,
And remind me of what I mistakenly once was.


My passion's sodden with your memory,
  where formless tides wash over me;
  Passing over like ghosts,
  carried along by an acorn wind,
  reminding me of what I once was.

        Now weeping inside of my own skin,
 In the shallow solitude of my darkened room,
           In the blankets of sleep,
   Where rain-shaken dreams play on and on,
            I will be thinking of you.

I weep inside of my own skin
 in the shallow solitude of darkness;
 blankets of sleep find rain-shaken
 dreams playing on and on.

 I think of you.

      And someday, maybe you will know;
           Maybe you will remember me,
 Maybe you will find me sleeping in the snow,
      For wherever I am and whatever I may do,
     I will always and forever be thinking of you.

Someday, maybe you will know;
  perhaps you'll remember me.
  Maybe you'll find me sleeping in snow?

  Wherever I am and whatever I may do,
  I will always and forever be thinking of you.

[Guest_blondie_*]

Hello hello!

Beautiful poem displaying reflection!  I enjoyed!  As Cleo stated already, I can feel the emotional loss in your words.  


My passions now soggy with your memory,
    Like formless tides wash over me;
        Pass over like ghosts,
  Carried along by an acorn wind,
And remind me of what I mistakenly once was.

That first stanza is beautiful.  Such vivid imagery captured my attention!

The last stanza is unclear for me, especially the following line:

Maybe you will find me sleeping in the snow,

The relevence of snow I am not connecting to the rest of the poem.  

Truly great piece of writing...

Looking forward to more,

~Amy~

[Guest_the_ghost_of_tom_joad_*]

Hello Cleo,
Thank you so much for your critique of my poem. And no, I`m not quite ready to slit my wrists just yet.....  From the tone of this one, most readers would probably think that, but actually I have moved on emotionally from when I actually wrote this one two years ago. It was one of the only poems that ever came to me as a whole as it was written without much editing of any sort, so I thought it would be interesting to put it out there for criticisim.

Yes, there does seem to be some use of repitition in word choice. Some of that was intentional as in the last verse with the word, "Maybe," but the use of the word "now" in the first verse was not intentional and probably should be done away with. I do like your recommendations for re-working the middle section, and as soon as I find time, I will come back with an edited version for more critique. Sorry it took me so long to respond, but it being the Holidays and all, I just haven`t allowed myself much time at the computer. I do hope to become more regular at this forum in the New Year. Thank you again for your pointers and I hope you have a beautiful day. Thank you.

                                                                  Love, Keith

[Cleo_Serapis]

Well Keith - I'm certainly pleased to hear times have changed since writing this (and other tendancies have passed)!  :kungfu:

Often, the most special pieces are those that come from someplace deep within. For some writers, it's a sad place, and for others, a happy or playful one. I think those are the BEST, the cream of the crop as a reader can almost always pick those out (by emotional response).

Don't worry too much over response times, we're all in the same boat this time of year, even some of our Praetorians are away and I, too, have been limited with my time. At least our friends are posting!


Have a wonderful New Year and we all look forward to spending mroe time reading and writing together!

~Cleo

[Guest_the_ghost_of_tom_joad_*]

Thanks Amy for your response to my poem, "Thinking of You," and I am very pleased to make your acquaintiance, Blondie.  

The word, "snow" was selected in the last verse over the word, "rain" because it was Winter and snowing outside when I composed this poem, and I envisioned myself as being discovered underneath the snow by my estranged lover; like an accident or something. Maybe some people reading it got that and some didn`t. Anyway, thanks for liking it and giving me these pointers. I look forward to seeing you here in the future. Happy New Year!

                                                                       Love ya,

                                                                                  Keith