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Eisa
post Jan 11 17, 17:42
Post #1


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Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori



I've just found this in the archives and would like to do some revision.

Flashbacks

I saw your father last night

Two years have rolled by
since the phone tolled
delivering its terminal message.

This earthquake shook me
waves radiating
from my epicentre.

In a tremor of aftershock
I whispered to her
of his slipping away.

sorry to hear that
- she was distanced
from the devastation.

Aw… he looked so handsome

He wore a flat cap in winter
to warm his shiny pate,

Now, it rests at the back
of my reminiscence drawer
with her butterfly brooch
and snapshots of their life.

I scrutinize their wedding photo,
all eyes smiling, lips saying Cheese.
His dark waves were intact
… yes, he was handsome.

I think he might take me back

When their marriage fractured
a tug of war stretched me
until I split into pieces.
Although middle-aged, I was a child.

He embraced a new wife for twelve years,
Even if his life had extended,
he could not … would not
return to her yearning arms.

He gave me a beautiful brooch

Her smile was wide -
unaware the broken butterfly would
not settle on her breast again.


·······IPB·······

Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

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RC James
post Jan 13 17, 21:26
Post #2


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Real Name: richard chase
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Rhapsody



eisa - I find this very compelling, with som many specific details that illumine the caharacter. Well done, R
 
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Psyche
post Jan 15 17, 20:46
Post #3


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From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia
Member No.: 78
Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:David Ting




Hi Eisa, Snowflake.gif

Your poem brings out many emotions in me, as it must have done when you wrote it, as well as in real life.

It's highly personal, so I'm worried about making any crits. The best thing would be for me to return when my own feelings have soothed.

There are several issues in this poem: visions due to a failing mind, separation, death, unawareness on the one hand, and piercing sorrow on the other.
Confusion. And much more.

I'll return, Eira, perhaps with worthwhile comments. Not easy.

Thanks for sharing this delicate piece,
hugs, Syl butterfly.gif
PS: I'll be writing! Hope you're over the sniffles and painful back. To think we're enjoying summer weather here, with marvellous blue skies! And not too hot, either, so no complaints. Bye again!


·······IPB·······

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The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.


"There is no life higher than the grasstops
Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind
Pours by like destiny, bending
Everything in one direction."

Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights.



Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

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Eisa
post Jan 30 17, 16:40
Post #4


Mosaic Master
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Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori



QUOTE (RC James @ Jan 14 17, 02:26 ) *
eisa - I find this very compelling, with som many specific details that illumine the caharacter. Well done, R


Thanks Richard,

I don't think I'll change much here - I'm just thinking on it at the moment.

Eira


·······IPB·······

Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
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Eisa
post Jan 30 17, 17:00
Post #5


Mosaic Master
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Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori



QUOTE
Hi Eisa, Snowflake.gif

Your poem brings out many emotions in me, as it must have done when you wrote it, as well as in real life.

It's highly personal, so I'm worried about making any crits. The best thing would be for me to return when my own feelings have soothed.

There are several issues in this poem: visions due to a failing mind, separation, death, unawareness on the one hand, and piercing sorrow on the other.
Confusion. And much more.

I'll return, Eira, perhaps with worthwhile comments. Not easy.

Thanks for sharing this delicate piece,
hugs, Syl butterfly.gif
PS: I'll be writing! Hope you're over the sniffles and painful back. To think we're enjoying summer weather here, with marvellous blue skies! And not too hot, either, so no complaints. Bye again!

Hi Syl,

Yes, this is personal, but don't worry about commenting. I want to improve the poem. The words in Bold are a conversation I had with my mother when she had Alzheimer's and was staying in the nursing home. It made me feel very sad, because she could never accept her divorce from my father.

My 'sniffles' turned out to be much worse than expected and I'm only just getting back to normal.
I wish it were Summer here. I'm depressed at the gloomy skies and dark mornings and nights.

hugs Eira




·······IPB·······

Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
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RC James
post Apr 7 17, 16:53
Post #6


Assyrian
**

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 250
Joined: 1-November 15
Member No.: 5,282
Real Name: richard chase
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Rhapsody



Eira - You had asked for some ideas on revision. Here's my take:

Flashbacks

I saw your father
last night,
two years
since the phone
delivered the terminal
message.

This earthquake
shook my epicenter
and radiated out.
In the aftershock,
I whispered his slipping
away to her,
she was at some distance
from the devastation.

Aw…he looked
so handsome.
In winter
he wore a flat cap
to warm his shiny pate.
Now it’s at the back
of my
reminiscence drawer,
with her butterfly
brooch and their photos.

Their wedding photo
is all eyes, smiling,
his dark waves intact,
so handsome he was.

I think he might
take me back.

When their marriage
Fracture’d,
a tug of war
stretched me
until I Split
into pieces.
Although
middle-aged,
I was a child.

He harbored a new wife
for twelve years.
Even given more years,
he could not…
would not
return home
to her yearning arms.

He gave me
a beautiful
brooch.

Her smile
was wide –
unaware the
broken
butterfly
would never again
settle on her breast.
 
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Eisa
post Apr 12 17, 15:41
Post #7


Mosaic Master
Group Icon

Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori



Thank you Richard - this has given me some ideas. I really need to revise this.

Eira


·······IPB·······

Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
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