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> Nature's King **, A Trois-par-Huit
Cleo_Serapis
post Dec 11 15, 08:17
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An oldie. Looking for feedback. Here's a link to the form's background for your information



Nature's King


The firs rise
touching star-twinkled skies
standing vigil o'er evening's glow

wrapped in sparkling charms of glitter gold, ashen snow
embraces kisses of crimson berries below

where silver cherubs rejoice and sing
...symbols of joy to bring
Nature's King.

Copyright © Lorraine M Kanter
All rights reserved as an unpublished work


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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind.

"I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

"Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.

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Luce
post Dec 11 15, 21:08
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Cool one Cleo. Fitting for the holiday. Must try out this form.

Nature's King

The firs rise
touching star-twinkled skies
standing vigil o'er evening's glow

L2 – Maybe star-sprinkled skies instead.
L3 – Maybe evening’s “show” instead.

wrapped in sparkling charms of glitter gold, ashen snow
embraces kisses of crimson berries below

L4 – Maybe another way to describe the gold and snow. Like:

“draped in braided charms of glitter gold, sparkling snow”


where silver cherubs rejoice and sing
...symbols of joy to bring
Nature's King.

L6 – Maybe use a bird of the forest rather than a cherub in keeping with the nature theme.

“where Winter Wrens in joyous voice sing


L7 - - I’d use another symbol like peace or hope. And make it singular

…”symbol of hope to bring”
 
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AMETHYST
post Dec 12 15, 21:33
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Oh Lori, this is beautiful. I do believe I remember it although if I do, the memories are fragmented. So I am going to look at this fresh and new.

First I support most of Luce's suggestions, especially in L2, to change twinkled to sprinkled. Sprinkled seems to flow off the tongue and sounds pleasing. However, I liked ashen snow if the main purposes was to show contrast to the beauty, otherwise perhaps sometimes snow is seen as silvery - either silver snow or satin snow...

I love the poem, and of course you know I have always loved the form, since the day you created it! LOL

I wish I had better suggestions, but slow and steady ....

Hugs,Liz



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Psyche
post Dec 13 15, 00:23
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Hi Lori!

Great to see you posting again. I peeked at the link that led me to the creation of this form, but got totally lost after reading other people's suggestions (I mean the old ones).

So, same as Liz, I'll make believe you created it now. That makes two new forms created by you, or more? I always have in mind your Swap Quatrains. Congrats are in order!!!

I also agree with most of Luce's suggestions. I'll return for another read, as your lovely poem merits several visits.

Tonight I've been apologizing to all for not revising my sonnet. Everybody has been so encouraging and helpful.

Hugs, Syl***



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"There is no life higher than the grasstops
Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind
Pours by like destiny, bending
Everything in one direction."

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Eisa
post Dec 13 15, 18:09
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Wow! Lori ,you are great at inventing these forms. This is great! magicwink1.png

I cannot add any more in the way of suggestions - Luce has said it all.

I'll be back to read again, when time allows.

Well done, Lori - please post some more. I've missed you! writersblock.gif

Snow

I hope you'll enter this in the Xmas Contest


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Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

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JustDaniel
post Dec 15 15, 08:55
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Hey, Lori...

Nice to see this one again. Isn't it your example piece down in Karnak for the form? if so, and you revise it, I guess you'll have to go back and revise it there too? rolleyes.gif

Just a few quickie thoughts:

QUOTE (Cleo_Serapis @ Dec 11 15, 08:17 ) *

Nature's King


The firs rise
touching star-twinkled skies
to add to others' suggestions, maybe "sequined" ?
standing vigil o'er evening's glow

wrapped in sparkling charms of glitter gold, ashen snow
I'm not sure "ashen" is the right word. To me it connotes "grey" ?
embraces kisses of crimson berries below

where silver cherubs rejoice and sing
How about "silver-winged doves" ?
...symbols of joy to bring
... and replace "joy" with "peace" ?
Nature's King.

deLighting in the journey, Daniel sun.gif


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Slow down; things will go faster!

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Cleo_Serapis
post Dec 17 15, 19:56
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Hello Luce and thanks for visiting my thread! wave.gif Reindeer.gif
QUOTE (Luce @ Dec 11 15, 21:08 ) *
Cool one Cleo. Fitting for the holiday. Must try out this form.
Yes, I DO hope you'll try this form out - it's best to center align it as well when you create yours.

Nature's King

The firs rise
touching star-twinkled skies
standing vigil o'er evening's glow


L2 – Maybe star-sprinkled skies instead.
L3 – Maybe evening’s “show” instead.

Oh, I hadn't thought of that - star-sprinkled skies - I may just change that after I've considered all suggestions. The stars, snow, nature in general could definitely be viewed as a 'show' instead of for the moon's glow (which is what I was thinking at the time when I wrote this centuries ago, lol). Another option could be "Twilight's glow"?
SO, we could have from the original:standing vigil o'er evening's glow

standing vigil o'er evening's show
standing vigil o'er Twilight's glow
standing vigil o'er Twilight's show

Good ideas to ponder -- TY!
:bulb:

wrapped in sparkling charms of glitter gold, ashen snow
embraces kisses of crimson berries below


L4 – Maybe another way to describe the gold and snow. Like:
“draped in braided charms of glitter gold, sparkling snow”

I do like the substitution of 'draped' for 'wrapped'. holly.gif I'm not certain if 'braided charms' is what I am trying to convey ~ but it could be 'tinseled charms. Ashen snow was meant to be a contrast - but yes, when snow is falling so fresh, and at twilight, it does have that sparkle to it - so I will certainly think on this change too. Snowflake.gif

where silver cherubs rejoice and sing
...symbols of joy to bring
Nature's King.

L6 – Maybe use a bird of the forest rather than a cherub in keeping with the nature theme.
“where Winter Wrens in joyous voice sing

Hmmm -winter wrens is neat - nice alliteration too. Or perhaps doves, as I always envision them as a symbol of peace? I'll need to think on an alliterative for the D if I go that way. I'd need a tweak on the 'in joyous voice sing' part for metrical consistency (maybe sub 'voice' for choir?) dove.gif

L7 - - I’d use another symbol like peace or hope. And make it singular
…”symbol of hope to bring”

Yes, I see what you mean there, especially if I change L6 and include 'joyous' there.

Thanks so much for your insightful critique!
~Cleo
xmas.gif


·······IPB·······

"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind.

"I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

"Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.

MM Award Winner
 
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Cleo_Serapis
post Dec 17 15, 20:05
Post #8


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Referred By:Imhotep



Hi Liz! wave.gif princess.gif

Thanks so much - this is a very old one that i was never really satisfied with - especially L4 and L6.

Yes, sprinkled is more alliterative and I'll make that change when I revise. touching star-sprinkled skies
Also, 'satin snow' may work, not sure - but ashen will most likely disappear. wub.gif

Thanks for stopping in - this is GREAT to receive feedback! dance.gif
Merry Christmas to you and your family Liz! xmaswindow.gif

Hugs,
~Cleo queen.gif



QUOTE (AMETHYST @ Dec 12 15, 21:33 ) *
Oh Lori, this is beautiful. I do believe I remember it although if I do, the memories are fragmented. So I am going to look at this fresh and new.

First I support most of Luce's suggestions, especially in L2, to change twinkled to sprinkled. Sprinkled seems to flow off the tongue and sounds pleasing. However, I liked ashen snow if the main purposes was to show contrast to the beauty, otherwise perhaps sometimes snow is seen as silvery - either silver snow or satin snow...

I love the poem, and of course you know I have always loved the form, since the day you created it! LOL

I wish I had better suggestions, but slow and steady ....

Hugs,Liz



·······IPB·······

"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind.

"I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

"Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.

MM Award Winner
 
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Cleo_Serapis
post Dec 17 15, 20:11
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Referred By:Imhotep



Hi there Syl! wave.gif present.gif

Thank you! It is good to revisit old poems and see how to re-imagine them, lol! hsdance.gif
There is a third form I created shortly after this one - very similar called Quatre-par-Huit (or four by eight) that have 4/8/12/16/16/12/8/4 as well.
I will also go and visit your sonnet, tomorrow hopefully and I owe some crits for many others. I've been so busy in the job hunt so pre-occupied there.

Thanks again and Merry Christmas! xmaswindow.gif
~Cleo xmas.gif


QUOTE (Psyche @ Dec 13 15, 00:23 ) *
Hi Lori!

Great to see you posting again. I peeked at the link that led me to the creation of this form, but got totally lost after reading other people's suggestions (I mean the old ones).

So, same as Liz, I'll make believe you created it now. That makes two new forms created by you, or more? I always have in mind your Swap Quatrains. Congrats are in order!!!

I also agree with most of Luce's suggestions. I'll return for another read, as your lovely poem merits several visits.

Tonight I've been apologizing to all for not revising my sonnet. Everybody has been so encouraging and helpful.

Hugs, Syl***




·······IPB·······

"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind.

"I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

"Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.

MM Award Winner
 
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Cleo_Serapis
post Dec 17 15, 20:15
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Hi Snow, Snowflake.gif

Awe, thanks. present.gif I have always wanted to revise this and I am happy to be receiving such thoughtful feedback. Read.gif
I have missed posting - my muse is still shy after so long, but interacting should help. hersheyskiss.gif

I am not sure I will enter the contest - do you have anything to enter? It is ending on Sunday - I will send a reminder again tomorrow or Saturday morning.

Cheers,
~Cleo xmas.gif


QUOTE (Eisa @ Dec 13 15, 18:09 ) *
Wow! Lori ,you are great at inventing these forms. This is great! magicwink1.png

I cannot add any more in the way of suggestions - Luce has said it all.

I'll be back to read again, when time allows.

Well done, Lori - please post some more. I've missed you! writersblock.gif

Snow

I hope you'll enter this in the Xmas Contest


·······IPB·······

"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind.

"I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

"Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.

MM Award Winner
 
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Cleo_Serapis
post Dec 17 15, 20:17
Post #11


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Referred By:Imhotep



Hi Daniel, sun.gif

Yes, this IS the sample one, the first one I wrote for this form - I will edit it later, but may just keep the original too in that initial posting.

I will definitely consider your ideas too as I draft out the revision.
Thanks so much and Merry Christmas! xmaswindow.gif

~Cleo xmas.gif

QUOTE (JustDaniel @ Dec 15 15, 08:55 ) *
Hey, Lori...

Nice to see this one again. Isn't it your example piece down in Karnak for the form? if so, and you revise it, I guess you'll have to go back and revise it there too? rolleyes.gif

Just a few quickie thoughts:

QUOTE (Cleo_Serapis @ Dec 11 15, 08:17 ) *

Nature's King


The firs rise
touching star-twinkled skies
to add to others' suggestions, maybe "sequined" ?
standing vigil o'er evening's glow

wrapped in sparkling charms of glitter gold, ashen snow
I'm not sure "ashen" is the right word. To me it connotes "grey" ?
embraces kisses of crimson berries below

where silver cherubs rejoice and sing
How about "silver-winged doves" ?
...symbols of joy to bring
... and replace "joy" with "peace" ?
Nature's King.

deLighting in the journey, Daniel sun.gif



·······IPB·······

"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind.

"I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

"Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.

MM Award Winner
 
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