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Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews _ Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren's Synapse _ Blink

Posted by: Siren Mar 25 13, 08:26

What is age
but a numerical extension
of our time above ground.

A countdown that begins
embryonically;
mileage pre-calculated
defining you.

Choice?
A fabrication;
mirage, within the bars of life's rule book.

We're but a feeble light
cast-off into nothingness,
set to fade
in a vast night.

Posted by: Alan Mar 25 13, 09:20

Dear Dani,

Very well put, though If I may, I disagree with the whole rather gloomy outlook.

I think one is anything but a fgeeble light, tho if I remember you live in Syria, therefore I think I do see wherethe gllom might well impinge.

Well-written. You should sign it !

Love
Alan

Posted by: Siren Mar 25 13, 10:30

Hey Alan,

Thanks for dropping in. I was considering, "Mass Death" for a title. Any thoughts?

Well gloominess is all that I can let out of me at this stage.

Always
Dani

Posted by: JustDaniel Mar 25 13, 10:48

Dear Dani...

Though I don't believe you're in Syria at this time, so far as I know, still I realize that a big part of your heart is tied there from your life experiences there, if I'm not mistaken.

I must agree with Alan as well, that though this is very well-written and shows a glimpse a the character of your emotional-picture writing to which we've become accustomed over the years, I cannot agree with the perspective that your moving words portray. However, my heart is tugged by the perspective nonetheless.

May the Light continue to shine upon you as you and the inner-author struggle through this darkness.

deLighting in your lucid sharing again, Daniel

Posted by: Siren Mar 25 13, 19:09

Dear Daniel,

Today's bombings in Damascus we right in front of my parents house. My mom was in there.. The threat to her life and lives of other family members is as real as every breath you take.

Her life is of no consideration to those men. It's feeble.

Perspective. Isn't that what life is all about ?

Thanks for dropping in hny..

Dani

Posted by: JustDaniel Mar 25 13, 19:29

Dear Dani...

I had remembered that you had visited many a summer in Damascus, but I'd forgotten that your mother is actually still living there. Please forgive my insensitivity to that fact!!

... and I certainly understand your perspective with that fact impacting upon you. Again, your words are deeply moving, and now even more so.

in Light of your journey, Daniel

Posted by: Larry Mar 26 13, 11:34

Hi Dani,

It is so nice to see you back again, even if your post is somewhat fatalistic. I do realize the environment in which we exist impacts both our feelings and our lives to a great extent and in your instance, more than most of us here at MM.

The only title that came to mind is "Blink". In the grand scheme of things we are, in fact, a mere nanosecond-long blink as far as existence is concerned. We shine but for an instant in the millennial flow.
It's as though the star-stuff we are made from gives out one final flash before plunging into the abyss of time.

Larry

p.s. Glad you finally made it back to get your birthday wish!

Posted by: Siren Mar 26 13, 19:13

Dear Daniel,

Thanks for coming back and pls don't fret over anything you share here. I love your input.

Posted by: Siren Mar 26 13, 19:15

Hey Larry,

It's good to move in slowly. Trying to get back my poetic voice.

I think your title suggestion is perfect!!! Thank you so much. And I will give this one an official name.

Ever grateful
Dani

Ps: it was wonderful to make it back to such a wish to warm my heart. Thank you

Posted by: Eisa Mar 30 13, 19:42

Hi Dani!

How great to see you posting here again. You have been missed.

This heart rending piece is so well written - you have not lost your gift of writing, Dani.
I have not been around much myself of late - sometimes life just takes over. I hope to see you posting again soon.

Hugs
Snow

Posted by: Siren Mar 31 13, 02:52

Dear Eira,

It's wonderful to be I contact and posting again too. I've truly missed this and yes I do know abt life taking over. But what consoles me is that our hearts stand the test of time.

Missed you.
Hugs
Dani

Posted by: Eisa Apr 2 13, 15:45

Looking forward to your next poem, Dani.

Hugs
Snow

Posted by: Maggie Apr 6 13, 11:52

Hi Dani,

Your poem is sadly beautiful to me. I am glad your mother was not hurt!

This poem reminds me of Shakespeare's play "Macbeth." I wonder if you've read it. The title character Macbeth has just learned of his wife's demise and is filled with despair and sadness. When told of her death he says, "Out! Out brief candle. Life is but a walking shadow. A poor player who struts and frets his hour upon the stage and then is heard no more. It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury signifying nothing." (There. Hope I got it right.)

A twentieth century American poet Robert Frost used Shakespeare's "Out! Out!" as the title for a poem he wrote about senseless death.

May I suggest using the word "Nothingness" as a possible title for this poem?

Poetry shows our attitudes and helps in letting them see the light of day. Then I think we learn that others have traveled the same road at other points in time.

Fondly,

Peggy/Maggie

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Apr 6 13, 19:32

Why hello Dani!

It's so nice to see you posting poetry again! While it is a sad subject, always write what is in your heart. I feel for you and your family and that came across. Begs the Question:Are we all a mirage set by a given number that we do not comprehend?

I like "Blink" and would suggest reconsidering: life's rule book.

So enjoyed the read!
~Cleo

Posted by: Psyche Apr 27 13, 00:53

Dear Dani,

At last I'm able to read and comment your poem, as well as express my sincere sorrow about the ghastly events in Syria. Your beautiful country.
I know you move around a bit, but you've mentioned being in Damascus in the past. Sometimes I wonder whether I'm the only one that reads news such as "70.000 dead so far in Syria". And that's just an estimate.

You're a brave woman, Dani. I've seen photos of the terrible destruction to cities mentioned in the various scriptures that we all partially share (not going religious here, mind you).

And believe me, you've been in my mind a lot lately. I have personal problems that keep me away, nothing compared to yours, but still I have to cope somehow.

Your poem is powerful, in fact I consider it extraordinarily good. Deftly put together, not a word too many. I feel humble on reading it. Existential expressions, some questioning, but ultimately tragic. Or not? Perhaps being a blink in the cosmos has some ultimate meaning that we cannot understand.
Especially during the horrors of war, or any kind of devastation that conduces to misery and hunger..

I'm sure that many members of MM have survived wars. They can't all be youngters...LOL...

QUOTE (Siren @ Mar 25 13, 15:26 )

What is age
but a numerical extension
of our time above ground.

A countdown that begins
embryonically;
mileage pre-calculated
defining you. <<<< Reminds me of the Three Fates that were present at babes' births in myths of Ancient Greece. Especially the one who cut the umbilical cord at a specific length, defining the years they would live.
Having lost two sons under the age of 30, I can't help wondering about issues such as hazard, fate or God's will. Haven't worked it out yet...but while we're here on "life's stage" (as Peggy put it, quoting WS) we must strut around as if we knew a thing or two.

Choice?
A fabrication;
mirage, within the bars of life's rule book. <<<< Well said. Why, even believers who've read Revelations must have some trouble with the seventh seal and all that.

We're but a feeble light
cast-off into nothingness,
set to fade
in a vast night.

Impressive finale. Dani, you may feel like a feeble light in relation to the cosmos and events, or even a meteorite coming our way...wow...but you shine brillianty as a true, lovely person whom I've been so lucky to meet in these forums.

I hope life gets better for you and your dearest Mum, as well as for all your friends and family in your war-stricken country.

(((hugs)))
Syl***

Posted by: Siren Apr 28 13, 06:08

Dear Sylvia,

It makes me proud to me in the midst of this community. The tragedies in Syria are increasing by the hour. I'm happy to say that my mom is now in Denver, so it's a semi relief for me. I still have family in Damascus, though.

Each one of us has gone through a certain type of war. We have struggled and braved different levels in our lives. It's not easy. You are a mother who has lost 2 sons and that war you've lived in keeping your faith is no easy feat..

Sylvia, yes the cosmos is grander than a life of a single person. But that person, even if a blink, is a necessity to this cosmos.

If we didn't blink, our eyes would strain and dry out.

I miss interacting and am humbled by your sweet comments and warmth.

Hugs Dani

Posted by: Siren Apr 28 13, 06:14

Hi Peggy,

You have likened the sense of this poem to one of the greats. I'm deeply touched by that. Your comments are enlightening and true. I do like your suggestion on the title, but I do think that "Blink" is on the spot for me. Thanks so much dear.

Hi Lori,

It's wonderful to return and start writing again. A lot has been happening these past few years and with stress words disappear. Thank you for the wishes and hopefully this war will end soon.

As I said to Peggy, I feel that "Blink" is the right choice on this one. But thank you so much for the suggestion.. Looking forward to sharing more and being an active member again...

Hugs
Dani

Posted by: Maureen Apr 30 13, 23:55

G'day Dani - it's great to know you have got your Mum out of there and so happy for you. I can't imagine what that must feel like to live in a country so overrun with unrest and danger.To stand to lose everything, life, home, career all at the whim of some mindless idiots over who you have no control just beggars belief. I would not be brave enough.

Blink is a perfect title for your heartfelt poem - as so often in life it is the minutiae that determines so much, and God knows often if you blink you sure as hell miss it.

Stay safe, stay strong.

Cheers

Maureen