Hi Liz
I feel your revisions are a good start to polishing this ... and I still think this has a good message. I realise how you feel about this, as I have at least 2 or 3 poems that have been revised many times, yet I'm still not satisfied. I think it might just be a matter of chipping away ... rearranging ... until we are eventually happy.
Here are ideas for consideration for some harsher trimming - see what you think!Moments
[I head home
after another chaotic
night of luna-driven
911 calls. ]
Is the beginning of St1 really necessary? You could try starting straight in with the second part insteadThe car sputters -- stalls
on 441 and Winston,
about twenty yards
before my door.
I like the changes hereI check the mail, tally bills
[and find] -- I'm still thirty cents short.
Delete 'and find' - unnecessaryA long-winded sigh reminds me
of Joe Swanson, who lived
next door,
before he lost his child, his job--his home.
I whisper, "Thank you."
Perhaps a slight rearrangement ~
I sigh –
then remember Jo Swanson,
who lived next door
before he lost his child
his job
his home.
I whisper, Thank youLaundry blocks our kitchen entry;
dirty dishes cover an unkempt counter
and the dog couldn't hold it
through the night.
He snuggles against my chest
demonstrating unconditional love.
Just a few changes? ~
Laundry spills to block the kitchen entry;
dirty dishes cover an unkempt counter
and the dog couldn’t hold it
through the night. He snuggles
against my chest, demonstrating
unconditional love.[The day is done.]
This senence might not be necessaryI sneak a peek at Lauren,
watch her sleep-
[her] tiny fingers clenched
about Pooh's ear.
Delete 'her'?Her gentle breath
rustles loose sheets,
tickles her nose, stirring smiles
... my cherub child.
[She's a cherub child...]
I'd bring the cherub child line up - and perhaps include 'my' to make it more personal[I sit and listen to the silence,
then whisper...]
Thank you Lord,
you've blessed my ordinary life
with [such] extraordinary moments."
'Listen to the silence' is a bit cliche and 'such' in unnecessary. The last lines could bechanged slightly.
Sitting in silence,/ bathed in silence I whisper,
Thank you Lord,
for blessing my ordinary life
with extraordinary moments.
I hope these thoughts might stir some ideas for revision - take or toss!
Hugs
Snow