Threads (revision)*** Changed title, was Sonnet IV., Tweaked a little more*** Options

[Psyche]

REVISION


The seafront airs Thalia's joyful pleas
that dance against the pinewoods, moist with rain;
recalls an ancient shrine with russet frieze
and ruffles my sleek horse’s silver mane.

What dreams have slipped my mind these years, or by
which stellar laws have failed to lure my heart?
The tide is tanned with spume this dawn -I sigh
in sufferance, not wishing to depart.

In whispers, wraith-like shrouds beneath the sea
divine unwritten rules the Fates have found
to stay my soul, or souls who yearn for me

this morn. My mind forswears the spindle's sound,
as if today some secret, nameless key
unlocks the fount to sway my life around.

By Psyche.

Note:
1. Changed 'jesting' to 'joyful' in L1. Thalia is one of the Three Graces, who bring beauty, joy and happiness to men and Greek gods.
2. In S4, L1, used 'spindle's sound'. One of the Fates, Clotho, uses her spindle to provide the thread of life, which the others dispose of by measuring and cutting. The Fates spin out the destiny of babes, three days after they're born. They represent predetermination, as opposed to free will.







ORIGINAL


The seafront vents an adamantine breeze
that pounds against the pinewoods, moist with rain;
recalls an ancient shrine with russet frieze,
blasts my attendant horse’s mangled mane.

What dreams have slipped my mind these years, or by
what stellar law have failed to lure my heart?
The tide is tanned with spume this dawn, -I sigh
in sufferance, not wishing to depart.

Whispering wraithlike shrouds beneath the sea
divine unwritten rules the Fates have bound
to stay my soul, or souls who yearn for me

this morn. My mind forswears such barren ground,
as if today some secret, nameless key
unlocks a source to sway my life around.


By Psyche.

[AMETHYST]

Hi Sylvia,

Beautiful work found here. It is a pleasure to be back reading such lovely images and your view, that only you can offer. First let me thank you for teaching me to new words, 'adamantine' and 'frieze,' both are wonderful words and I have never seen them, or if I have never knew what they meant. Thank you. I might borrow them in future works.

Now to this delight. As I have been out of practice and often have very poor memory, I might have forgotten some terminology or reference, so I will do my best. The rhythem is lovely, perhaps a line or two I felt a stumble, but was eased by the wonderful inner rhymes you have weaved. I especially liked partnership with law/lure in L6.

The transition from Stanza 1 to 2 is smooth. Liked that you take the reader from the view of the narrator to the inner thoughts -connecting them. S3 is my favorite it is chock full of smooth alliteration and deep thought. It inspires the reader to 'feel' the sense of excitement and fear of the unknown. I did however feel that S3 had more power and punch to it that your ending couplet, for which should be the real nugget.

That is minor compared to the enjoyment of this Sonnet and the possibilities it offers. Some minor thoughts in text, I hope I can offer something of worth. As for a name, I am going to think on some suggestions, but I think the title is most likely the most inner thought of what brought this to be born. Look into those thoughts you will find it.

Big Love and Hugs, Glad to be back - Love you, Liz

The seafront vents an adamantine breeze
that pounds against the pinewoods, moist with rain;
recalls an ancient shrine with russet frieze,
blasts my attendant horse’s mangled mane.

each of these lines are lovely, offering crisp images and partnered with moving sounds. I especially loved L1 & L2 for the sounds quality coupletted by the visual feel. The only nit I had here was L4, I kept wanting to say pummels, but was not clear to the meaning of 'my attendant horse's mangeled mane' Did you mean that someone is with you travelling as an aide or assistant? Perhaps another word choice for attendant, some thoughts could include "pummels my helper's Stallion's mangled mane" - of course this might be just as weak, but it may inspire something that heightens the line.

What dreams have slipped my mind these years, or by
what stellar law have failed to lure my heart?
The tide is tanned with spume this dawn, -I sigh
in sufferance, not wishing to depart.

I love this stanza. I tried to think of another alternative for 'what' in L2, only because of the repeat so close. Although it really isn't a nit at all, as it has its own contribution to both meaning and image. S2L4: in sufferance, reluctant to depart;

Whispering wraithlike shrouds beneath the sea
divine unwritten rules the Fates have bound
to stay my soul, or souls who yearn for me

Loved "to stay my soul' the voice is so fitting to the poem itself...

this morn. My mind forswears such barren ground,
as if today some secret, nameless key
unlocks a source to sway my life around.

I would still bring up the final line of S3 and end with a couplet. Perhaps ...

to stay my soul, or souls who yearn for me
this morn. My mind forswears such barren ground -

as if today some secret, nameless key
unlocks the (suggest alternative) turning my life around -
perhaps port like portkey and port hole for which the narrator appears to be caught in another dimention of soul - I did like the alliteration of source/sway, perhaps I will return with better thoughts. Beautiful work.


By Psyche.