The Desert, Free Verse Options

[Larry]

The Desert

Heating!
Beating down upon skin,
cracked and bleeding.
Visage, parched an angry red,
unsightly to behold;
should one with unburnt eyes
perceive naught else but fiery orb
of life and death;
depending on evolved protection,
none which Nature could afford.
White-hot oven
bakes the brains to curdled mush
within one's head.
Caring not for briny rivers,
pouring to the salt filled oceans;
dried to dust in ages hence.
Unquenched thirst for land and body
from the brackish poison pools;
all bedecked,
necklace of bones.
Shrine to those
thirst-crazed, unwary.
Death and skeletal remains
is paltry sacrifice
to her unrelenting grip.

[Judi]

I really enjoyed reading this, and after one reading I have two suggestions for you and they are following!
I have a suggestion for you as far as a new title which would make this poem pop...How about Sun God? Also, I would change "naught" to a different word...it is thought to be archaic language and is frowned upon by a lot of critics. (no matter to me but if I don't say it someone else will. )

[Lady Poet]

Hi Larry!!

First I had to drink some water...I was already thirsty when I started this but by the end I was parched unto desiccation! The sun and I already don't get along so hot, oops, no pun intended there, I get sun-sick so I would not be caught anywhere near a desert...lol.

This is an excellent free verse...very dramatic and intense. Graphic imagery that almost puts the reader in the place of your character....(shudder)

I loved >>>> should one with unburnt eyes perceive naught else but fiery orb of life and death. <<<<< Gave me goosebumps, it is reminiscent of our friend W. Shakespear! For me this is the best, core of the nimbus. Beautiful work.


The lines I liked least were directly under >>>> Depending on evolved protection, none which Nature could afford.<<<<

It's only my own humble opinon but to me, they don't mesh with the rest of your poem. I am not comfortably adept yet in critiquing, to ripple strange waters by trying to suggest mediocre replacements, (I'm very tired and can't think that well) matter of fact having read again for the third time, I think you could do away with it entirely. It doesn't really contribute anything as it stands to your wonderful work...the line before doesn't lead into it, and the one after doesn't lead from it...it's just there. Mm. Yes. Unless you could restructure it and find another way to describe your thought here, I believe it detracts from the whole body.

I pray I haven't offended. I am NOT profficient yet on critiquing though I'm getting better, (I hope!) these are merely suggestions based on my own reaction to what is otherwise a superb work indeed.

~Blessings, Pami

[Larry]

Hi Larry!!

First I had to drink some water...I was already thirsty when I started this but by the end I was parched unto desiccation! The sun and I already don't get along so hot, oops, no pun intended there, I get sun-sick so I would not be caught anywhere near a desert...lol.

This is an excellent free verse...very dramatic and intense. Graphic imagery that almost puts the reader in the place of your character....(shudder)

I loved >>>> should one with unburnt eyes perceive naught else but fiery orb of life and death. <<<<< Gave me goosebumps, it is reminiscent of our friend W. Shakespear! For me this is the best, core of the nimbus. Beautiful work.


The lines I liked least were directly under >>>> Depending on evolved protection, none which Nature could afford.<<<<

It's only my own humble opinon but to me, they don't mesh with the rest of your poem. I am not comfortably adept yet in critiquing, to ripple strange waters by trying to suggest mediocre replacements, (I'm very tired and can't think that well) matter of fact having read again for the third time, I think you could do away with it entirely. It doesn't really contribute anything as it stands to your wonderful work...the line before doesn't lead into it, and the one after doesn't lead from it...it's just there. Mm. Yes. Unless you could restructure it and find another way to describe your thought here, I believe it detracts from the whole body.

I pray I haven't offended. I am NOT profficient yet on critiquing though I'm getting better, (I hope!) these are merely suggestions based on my own reaction to what is otherwise a superb work indeed.

~Blessings, Pami

Hello Pamela,

No, you haven't offended and I appreciate your input. May I point out my thought process for the line you like the least? My "firey orb of life and death" leads into "that" line because the firey orb gives life to some and death to others depending upon their "evolved protection" and in this instance, nature couldn't afford to give that protection. Snakes, camels, spiders, Gila Monsters, etc. all have that evolved protection from the dual effects of the sun and desert and are unaffected by the combination of the two. Humans, on the other hand, have not evolved to the point where this combination, for any appreciable length of time, isn't deadly without some kind of protection other than evolutionary change. Again, thank you for your input and get a nice cool drink to quench your thirst.