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> Marta....Revision 5, FV
Judi
post Jun 27 07, 08:51
Post #1


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Group: Bronze Member
Posts: 544
Joined: 3-May 07
From: Central Florida
Member No.: 427
Real Name: Judith Labriola
Writer of: Poetry








Marta pushes back a
stray lock of hair as she mops
the floor.

To pass the time, she remembers
the laughter of her children
when they were young,
the smell of stew cooking
on her stove,
the tapping sound of rain
on her slate roof,
her man's arms around her
at night.

She moves stiffly now, and
understands why her mother
was so tired when she came
home each day.
With the last hallway done,
she empties her pail, leaves
her mop to dry, and returns
to her flat over the tailor shop.

Smells from the bakery make
her hesitate, but exhaustion
forces her inside.
I'll make myself a cup of tea,
she thinks, then sits alone
to cry.

-----------------------------

Revision 4

Marta pushes back a
lock of hair as she mops
the floor.
Thinking of brighter days,
she remembers
the laughter of her children
when they were young,
the smell of stew cooking
on her stove,
the sound of rain
on her slate roof,
her man's arms around her
at night.

She moves stiffly now, and
understands why her mother
was so tired when she came
home each day.
With the last hallway done,
she empties her pail, leaves
her mop to dry, and returns
to her flat over the tailor shop.

Smells from the bakery make
her hesitate, but exhaustion
forces her inside.
I'll make myself a cup of tea,
she thinks, then sits alone
to cry.

-------------------------------------------


Revision 3
Marta pushes back a stray
lock of hair as she mops
the floor.
Thoughts of brighter days
fill her mind, as she remembers
the laughter of her children
when they were young,
the smell of stew cooking
on her stove,
the sound of rain
on her slate roof,
her man's arms around her
every night.

She moves stiffly now, and
understands why her mother
was so tired when she came
home from work.
With the last hallway done,
she empties her pail, leaves
her mop to dry, and returns
to her flat over the tailor shop.

Smells from the bakery nearby
make her hesitate, but exhaustion
hastens her walk upstairs with a sigh,
I'll make myself a cup of tea,
she thinks, then sits alone and
cries.


Revision 2
Marta pushes back a stray
lock of hair from her forehead,
as she mops the floor.

Thoughts of brighter days
fill her mind, remembering
the laughter of her children
when they were young,
The smell of stew cooking
on her stove;
the tapping sound the rain
made on her slate roof,
her man's arms around her
every night.

She moves stiffly now, and
understands why her mother
was so tired when she came
home from work.

With the last hallway done,
she empties her pail, leaves
her mop to dry, and returns
to her flat over the tailor shop.

Smells from the bakery nearby
slow her footsteps, but exhaustion
forces her to walk upstairs with a sigh.
I'll fix myself a cup of tea, she thinks,
then sits alone and cries.

========================================


Revision 1
Marta pushes a lock
of greasy hair from her forehead,
and continues mopping the floor.
As she works, she thinks
of brighter days when her
children were still young-
how their laughter echoed
though the house.
She remembers the smell
of stew cooking on her stove;
soft tapping sounds of rain
on the slate roof during a storm;
her man's arms around
her.

She moves stiffly now and
understand why her mother
looked so tired when she
came home from work.
With the last hallway done,
she empties her pail,
leaves her mop to dry,
and walks slowly to her flat
over the tailor shop.
Smells from the bakery nearby
make her hesitate, but exhaustion
makes her go upstairs.
I'll make myself a cup of tea,
she thinks,then sits alone
and cries.


Original Version
The old woman pushes a lock
of greasy hair from her
forehead with a tired arm,
and begins mopping the floor
again.
As she works, she sometimes
remembers brighter days,
the smell of stew cooking on
her stove,
the sound the rain made on her
slate roof,
the laughter of her children when
they were young.
The feel of her mans arms around her
in the middle of the night.

She moves slowly now, but
remembers skipping down the road
with her friends at the end
of her lane when she was sixteen,
and how tired her mother looked
when she came home from work
in the evening.

With the last hallway done, she
empties her pail, then leaves her
mop to dry, and walks slowly
to her flat over the tailor shop.
Smells from the bakery nearby
make her hesitate at her door,
but exhaustion makes her go inside.
I'll make myself a cup of tea she thinks,
and then sits alone and cries.


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Replies
bbnixon
post Jul 8 07, 20:35
Post #2


Babylonian
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 88
Joined: 7-March 07
From: United States
Member No.: 409
Real Name: Brenda Nixon Cook
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Sampo



Judi,

Just wanted you to know I really like this, have been following along, love the revision. Very cool beans. I much enjoyed the read.

:) brenda


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Posts in this topic
- Judi   Marta....Revision 5   Jun 27 07, 08:51
- - Peterpan   Hello Judy I have been reading sad poetry today a...   Jun 27 07, 09:19
|- - Judi   It's 90 degrees in Florida...I moved here to g...   Jun 27 07, 13:24
- - Eisa   Hi Judi It's always a pleasure to read your p...   Jun 27 07, 17:52
|- - Judi   QUOTE (Eisa @ Jun 27 07, 18:52 ) 98860The...   Jul 6 07, 11:22
- - Cathy   Hi Judi, How my heart aches for this woman. I wo...   Jun 28 07, 12:27
|- - Judi   I want to thank everyone for their much appreciate...   Jun 28 07, 19:33
- - JustDaniel   Greetings, Judi... This is a powerful, powerful, ...   Jul 6 07, 20:57
|- - Judi   Thanks Daniel...I have made some of the changes yo...   Jul 7 07, 09:41
- - JustDaniel   Hey, Judi... thanks for letting me 'practice...   Jul 7 07, 10:03
|- - Judi   I think you do a great job, Daniel....Thanks for y...   Jul 8 07, 14:28
|- - Judi   Brenda...thanks so much...I have really worked thi...   Jul 8 07, 21:03
- - bbnixon   Hi Judi, I am not very skilled in R & M, but ...   Jul 9 07, 12:02
|- - Judi   QUOTE (bbnixon @ Jul 9 07, 13:02 ) 99393H...   Jul 9 07, 17:10
- - Cleo_Serapis   Revision 5 now posted (Judi, it looked like your r...   Aug 28 07, 17:26
- - Peggy Carpenter Harwood   Hi Judi, I read with delight the email which anno...   Aug 31 07, 12:06
- - Judi   Dear Peggy...I really appreciate your comments...I...   Sep 29 07, 20:54
- - Judi   I want to thank Peggy and every one who helped me ...   Oct 6 07, 10:46

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