May You Be Blessed (final tweak), Wizard Award ~ Italian Sonnet Options

[Mary Boren]

Also workshopped here.



MAY YOU BE BLESSED

An a cappela note in harmony
with universal consciousness can raise
its level of vibration. Through the haze
of negatives that strike a note off key,
two voices merging in a melody
ring crystalline. And in a thousand days
a billion blessings, amplified with praise,
crescendo in a world-wide symphony.

It's not a pipedream, pilgrim, it's a plan.
A single willing heart can help create
a more inviting atmosphere on earth.
Our planet begs for healing, and we can
be instruments of love that resonate
in celebrating every person's worth.

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L12 changed from:

We may not heal the planet, but we can
---------------------------------------

The title is a link to the flash presentation which is a must-see for any who haven't yet, and the final line is also a link.

MAY YOU BE BLESSED

Come dream with me. Imagine, if you can,
a world devoid of negativity
inhabited by people who agree
to nurture one another. In the span
of dawn to dawn, each woman, child, and man
is blessed. The universal currency
is peace, and love provides the energy.

It's not a pipedream, pilgrim, it's a plan!

A single smile, a gentle whisper flowing
from you or me to anyone can raise
our global frequency. Each thought ongoing
contributes to a trust account that pays
eternal dividends, a fund that's growing
a Billion Blessings in a Thousand Days.

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First Draft
----------

Imagine, if you can, beyond the sun,
an orb devoid of negativity
inhabited by souls like you and me,
where everyone is blessed by everyone.
Migration to this region, if begun
today, can be accomplished painlessly.
There's ample room aboard, and all ride free.
We'll use a better type of travel fund.

A smile, a gentle word, a friendly gesture
for cherished child or scowling clerk will raise
our global chime. Contribute to the treasure --
a universal trust account that pays
in dividends too generous to measure:
a billion blessings in a thousand days.

-----------------
Alternate sestet:
-----------------

A smile, a gentle word -- such grace imparters
for cherished child or scowling clerk will raise
our global frequency. Compassion charters
a universal trust account that pays
in dividends beyond our dreams: For starters,
a billion blessings in a thousand days.

[Guest_Kathy_*]

Mary, It reads quite well by itself, but if you want it to complement the Blessings concept you may have to come down to Earth, because I thought you were talking about an imaginary world, or Heaven. Here:


Imagine, if you can, beyond the sun,
an orb devoid of negativity
inhabited by souls like you and me,
where everyone is blessed by everyone.

You've introduced us to 'an orb.' Then you give directions re how to get there:

Migration to this region, if begun
today, can be accomplished painlessly.
There's ample room aboard, and all ride free.
We'll use a better type of travel fund.

There's a hint, (already suspected) that this is a religious/spiritual/moralistic world, then the sestet develops that.

A smile, a gentle word, a friendly gesture
for cherished child or scowling clerk will raise
our global chime. Contribute to the treasure --
a universal trust account that pays
in dividends too generous to measure:
a billion blessings in a thousand days.

That 'cherished child' makes a bump, but after seeing the slideshow I see why yu want it in.

Maybe if you keep it on Earth it will be easier to get down to the nitty-gritty of relating positively to people, giving them images of hope and beauty. And love. I don't actually feel that in the poem. It's more a summary of the idea rather than its application.

Sorry Mary, I am frightened and angry about what has happened to our world. I'm all for being kind to others as I'm sure you know, but the beautiful places shown here are not likely to last much longer and I think we need to be more realistic. Even though these things are being lost, we must bless, love, and nurture everyone. We are gunna need it.

I'm telling you this because I'm sure you will pick up a certain hesitancy in my reply to your poem, and I don't want you to think it is personal in any way.

Love always,
K

[heartsong7]

Hi Mary...
It's a lovely tribute to the site. The gist of the message, "Take a little kindness, pass it on." is a wonderful concept that I believe really could make a big difference in the world and our everyday lives if more people would practice it. My guess is that those who need to do so the most are not the ones who will be reading there, though.
I've gotta run but will be back to read again with a critter's eye.

Seeya,
Sue

[Guest_Don_*]

Hi Nada,

Difficult to help your specific concerns as they are unknown.

I like your first sestet far better than alternate. However, the first two lines are a stumble to follow. A mindset is required from the reader. The reader must already be aboard, which says the sales pitch is misplaced, or unneccessary. I read them several times before it's sense seeped through.

The billion in a thousand sounds entirely too terrestial. Too close to a politcal party's 100 days type of hype.

I honestly believe that more than three syllable words are not compatible in a smooth sonnet. This is a difference of our separate opinions.

Of course, I don't believe that smiling resolves all ills, but an upward grin floats more boats than a scowl. Naturally, the poet should never be assumed to neccessarily agree with philosophy of the theme.

Don

[Merlin]

Treasure rhymes with measure, pleasure, and leisure. Yup. Instead of giving a friendly finger, maybe something with leisure might work.

Merlin

[Guest_Don_*]

Hi Nada,

P.S. I think your sonnet does reflect the World-wide Blessing Experiment. Thanks for providing the link.

I have become turned off by the large number of e-mails being sent with similar pablum. More technical emphasis than sound thought.

Don

[Judi]

Treasure rhymes with measure, pleasure, and leisure. Yup. Instead of giving a friendly finger, maybe something with leisure might work.

Merlin

Nada, I have long taught my children that they live in a world that is filled with those who are full of greed and hatred, and that they must create their own safe world to live in...a world much like you describe...thanks for the link also. judy

[AMETHYST]

Hi Mary,

What a meal to throw to the wolves! I clicked the link to the May You Be Blessed Video that this Sonnet compliments and it was so beautiful, the images are breathtaking, and the music could have lulled me into a much needed sleep, unfortunately I am at work and I don't think that would have drawn the much longed for smiles that your beautiful Sonnet speaks of! :) *Grin ...

I haven't read what others have said yet, because the most strangest thing happened just before clicking into this ...

As mentioned, I am at work. One of the girls on Main Channel and she stretched and yawned real loud. I am in habit that I say God Bless You even when walking in a supermarket and someone sneezes in another aisle, or when someone coughs - So, without even thinking, my immediate reaction was to say, "God Bless You" and she said, "I yawned..." (with a bit of an attitude at that) ...
With this, I smiled, and replied, no one can get too many blessings ... and a Blessing isn't just for sneezes, it is for wishing Godliness and goodness to others. It beats, being inconsiderate and nasty, don't ya think ... " (this girl is usually not a happy camper) and she smiled, and said thank you... a little later, someone sneezed and she said God Bless you (with a sincere smile on her face) ...

So this brings me to your Sonnet and the purpose of its offering...

The message, IMO, is necessary, a reminder that taking just a moment to be kind to another sometimes makes the difference to that person - and like the domino effect, continues (even for a little while) ...

Let me discuss in stanza/line thoughts as we go ... (la, la, la ... walking down the screen steps..
___
!___
!___
!
--------------------------------------

Imagine, if you can, beyond the sun,
an orb devoid of negativity
inhabited by souls like you and me,
where everyone is blessed by everyone.
Migration to this region, if begun
today, can be accomplished painlessly.
There's ample room aboard, and all ride free.
We'll use a better type of travel fund.

Ok - the first few lines, sort of reminded me of a school trip to the Planetarium, that soft yet, masculine voice walking us through a ceiling lit in a wonderful array of stars and planets, standing in the darkness, encaptured by the wonder of the universe. I think, to own minds eye ...
I liked the sonics of orb/devoid. I see what your intent is here, sketching a world beyond that of our own, reflecting an image for the reader to see outside of ourselves, and this way, brings more power to the following lines - sort of like, imagine beyond your boundaries, it is possible, not take those images of love and grace and begin to see them without our own world. I always wished or imagined a world where money was non existant. I often wondered why, if everything that we need or have comes from the earth and is provided, then everything should be free. Everyone possesses a love or gift or skill - if we all offered these things for free, then it would like it was many, many years ago ... a doctor cares for a patient, and receives something in return ... like a chicken! (Making light of it, but yes ... that simple) this is what your Sonnet reminded me of ...

Some minor thoughts In line...

L3 possibly - 'that's occupied by souls like you and me' ... The word inhabited was a stumble for me.
or even ... that's settled by kind souls like you and me' (settled having a dual intent)

L4, although the repeat of everyone doesn't stumble me any - if you are considering other alternatives, perhaps ... where each of us are blessed by everyone. Or even ... hmmm ... ok weaker than I thought ...
L7/8, leave me unsatisfied....it sort of reminded me of the old song "Peace Train" By Cat Stevens... I am not really sure of the intent and will wait for further clarification of these lines, perhaps it is me, and when it is clear to me I will find it perfect.


A smile, a gentle word, a friendly gesture
for cherished child or scowling clerk will raise
our global chime. Contribute to the treasure --
a universal trust account that pays
in dividends too generous to measure:
a billion blessings in a thousand days.

I like this sestet much better ... I think ' ... a friendly gesture ' works wonderfully compared to the other alternative. I think this raps it up and clarifies the hidden intent that I didn't see until just this moment... the metaphor is replacing money with blessings... Hmmm ... actually now the final 2 lines of the previsious stanza works for me... (sorry) ...

Some miscellaneous thoughts on other word choices...

L1, perhaps 'or friendly gesture / L2, maybe a reverse in the line ...
"for scowling clerks or cherished child will raise"
L4, perhaps .. "our universal trust account which pays
in dividends too generous to measure:

As for the off rhymes, the only one that really stuck out for me was 'fund' the entire line felt rhyme driven and again, didnt wasn't too clear for me. I will return with some thoughts on it later on...

Big Hugs, Liz

[Mary Boren]

Thanks, all -- I'm extremely pleased to get this amount of feedback so quickly, and you have helped me see the direction I need to go with this. I have the highest regard for the creator/founder of this project. If the platform sounds fluffy, that's my failure; not hers. I'm just stopping in for a few minutes before I have to leave for work, but will ponder all coments with appreciation and get back with specific responses and, hopefully, a revision ASAP.

Mary

[heartsong7]

Hi Mary...
Just wanted to pop iin with one I'm working on in the same vein.

"May you be blessed." she said and smiled at me.
I must admit it took me by surprise.
I had to wonder what she wants. You see
I've been a cynic for so long my eyes
are always on the lookout for the hook
or that ulterior motive of someone
who showers me with kindness or a look
of friendliness. It makes me want to run.

How wonderful if everyone we met
would offer us a blessing from the heart
and we, in turn, would do the same, I bet
the spreading blessings all of us impart
would surely make the world a better place.
Perhaps it might just save the human race.

MYBB,
Sue

[Mary Boren]

Thanks again, all.


Kathy, you sed;

... but if you want it to complement the Blessings concept you may have to come down to Earth,

and that was the comment that was most helpful in shaking the revision loose. I hope the connection is clearer now.

Sorry Mary, I am frightened and angry about what has happened to our world.

No apology necessary, Kathy. I'm heartsick about it too. (It's a nice place to visit, but I wouldn't wanna live there.)

Don:

The billion in a thousand sounds entirely too terrestial. Too close to a politcal party's 100 days type of hype.

I can see where you're coming from, and it's unfortunate that the catchphrase connotes that for you. The thing I admire about this project is that it is in no way aligned with any political or religious movement. It is one person making a difference in the world, because she has steadfastly refused to believe that she couldn't.

I honestly believe that more than three syllable words are not compatible in a smooth sonnet. This is a difference of our separate opinions.

Ooh ooh ooh ... yes sir, we are miles apart on that ... but we can agree to disagree.

Of course, I don't believe that smiling resolves all ills

Ah, but if you believe clap and your hands, Tinkerbell will live. (Right, Kathy?)

Merlin

Treasure rhymes with measure, pleasure, and leisure. Yup. Instead of giving a friendly finger, maybe something with leisure might work.

Nah, in Texas leisure rhymes with seizure. Go figger. It's a moot point now, but thanks for the suggestion.

Judi

I have long taught my children that they live in a world that is filled with those who are full of greed and hatred, and that they must create their own safe world to live in...a world much like you describe...thanks for the link also.

Judy! A woman after my own heart. I only regret that I didn't learn these things in time to teach them to my children. What a pleasure to meet you -- I wish I had more time to get acquainted right now, but I will definitely be following you around here in days to come.

Liz:

...I smiled, and replied, no one can get too many blessings ... and a Blessing isn't just for sneezes, it is for wishing Godliness and goodness to others. It beats, being inconsiderate and nasty, don't ya think ... " (this girl is usually not a happy camper) and she smiled, and said thank you... a little later, someone sneezed and she said God Bless you (with a sincere smile on her face) ...

I love that story -- thank you for it, Liz. I keep a stack of the blessing cards on my desk and in my purse and have never failed to get a positive response. I really appreciate your thorough critique and have incorporated yours, and others' reactions, into the revision.

Sue:

Just wanted to pop iin with one I'm working on in the same vein.

That thrills me on both counts, Sue -- it stirred your emotions and your sleeping muse. Thanks for this. Of course, I don't mind it being in this thread, and I hope others will follow suit. I would also like to see you post it separately for workshopping.

Upward 'n' onward ...

Mary

[Guest_Kathy_*]

Mary, what a wonderful response to everyone who responded. Including me with my grumpy one. I needn't have worried though, I see. You ARE a blessing.

Oh and I often say "Bless you!" to strangers when they sneeze. They always call back, "Thank you!"

But people in my neck o' the woods do this sort of thing all the time. I don't see a shortage of it all. We hug each other too. Yes, strangers.

In Nepal they say "Namaste" smiling over praying hands. It means 'I salute the God within you.' I like it a lot.

[Mary Boren]

Namaste (click) Yes! I love that greeting, and use it. Recognizing the spark in each of us that longs to burst into flame. Stephen Covey said: "I am not an earthly being having a spiritual experience; I am a spiritual being having an earthly experience." (or something to that effect)

You weren't being grumpy, Kathy, just honest, and I appreciate that.

[Guest_Kathy_*]

I love you Mary.

[Mary Boren]

I love you too, Kathy.

[AMETHYST]

But people in my neck o' the woods do this sort of thing all the time. I don't see a shortage of it all. We hug each other too. Yes, strangers.

Hi Kathy,

I guess that is where I want to be ... :) My mother use to say I should have been born a quaker - So, do they have a 911 system in your neck of the woods? ... maybe I'll apply! :)

Love you both, Liz

[heartsong7]

Hi Mary...
The revised version is a winner. I read over twice and can only offer praise. Will check in later with my crit glasses on, but am pretty sure I'll find, IMO, it's good to go.
Love this line:
"It's not a pipedream, pilgrim, it's a plan!"
and that you separate it to stand between the 2 stanzas.


I'll work a bit on mine before posting in its own thread. Thank you for the gracious and encouraging words.
MYBB<
Sue

[Guest_Kathy_*]

A 911 scheme, Liz? What's a 911 scheme?

We have 711 shops, will that do?

[Guest_Kathy_*]

Mary, this is heaps better, so far as I am concerned. Heaps. You amaze me, gal. 'Come dream with me.' What a start. Then you are in flight. With angel's wings. Love this:

It's not a pipedream, pilgrim, it's a plan! out on its own.

I tips me hat.




MAY YOU BE BLESSED

Come dream with me. Imagine, if you can,
a world devoid of negativity
inhabited by people who agree
to nurture one another. In the span
of dawn to dawn, each woman, child, and man
is blessed. The universal currency
is peace, and love provides the energy.

It's not a pipedream, pilgrim, it's a plan!

A single smile, a gentle whisper flowing
from you or me to anyone can raise
our global frequency. Each thought ongoing
contributes to a trust account that pays
eternal dividends, a fund that's growing
a Billion Blessings in a Thousand Days.

[Guest_Kathy_*]

OY! Mary! I think you have attracted an Angel already! What's that on your posts?

And Sue, that's a lovely poem. I hope you post it separately; give it a space of its own. It deserves it.