Leaves - A Diaspora or Terza Rima Sonnet, From X10 12/19 - First Tweak Options

[Larry]

Leaves

The flames of autumn, quenched by winter’s breath,
lie moldering in mounds of brittle brown
within my woods. Remnants from season’s death

are stirred by frigid fingers. Golden gown,
once lovely, now a soiled and dingy thread.
Mere fodder promises a future crown

with jade and emeralds from earthen bed.
Between the soil and snowy shroud they keep
a storied history. They are not dead…

but pages from a book which tell the sweep
of life renewed. Is evening dead with night?
Do bells toll out their dirge when we’re asleep?

I think that trees, which all the leaves bedight,
are villages, alive. A wondrous sight!


-------------------


Leaves

The flames of autumn, quenched by winter’s breath,
lie moldering in mounds of brittle brown
within my woods. Remnants of season’s death

are stirred by frigid fingers. Golden gown,
once lovely, now a soiled and dingy thread.
Mere fodder promises a future crown

of jade and emeralds from earthen bed.
Between the soil and snowy shroud they keep
a storied history. They are not dead…

but pages of a book which tell the sweep
of life renewed. Is evening dead with night?
Do bells toll out their dirge when we’re asleep?

I think of trees, which all the leaves bedight,
as villages of life. A wondrous sight!


Thanks Alan and a special Thank You to Merlin.

[Alan]

Dear Larry,

Absolutely excellent, bar L7, which could drop pthe "its" to reduce to 10 sylls.

BRILLIANT first line. Who would have thought that anyone could give that thought without descending to cliche ? Autumn being a common subject !

Love
Alan

[Larry]

Hello Alan,

You are so correct about L7 and thank you for catching it. I keep letting my Texas twang get in the way of good grammar and pronunciation. I knew "emeralds" to be three syls but when sounding it in my suthun' brain, it came out em-rulls. I shall correct it immediately.

Thank you also for your praise on my first Diaspora Sonnet. I got the idea when reading Merlin's excellent description of different sonnet forms and thought I'd try one since I dearly love that form and structured IP is my "thang!"

Have a very Merry Christmas and a wonderful holiday season.

Larry

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Larry,

What a lovely image in this poem. It IS a wondrous sight you have created here.

It may be my yankee accent, but I think you are one beat short here:
of jade and emeralds from earthen bed.
But it might be that I am pronouncing 'emeralds' as 2 beats (EM/ralds) - I could read it though as
of jade and emeralds from an earthen bed.

I'm not certain if the line had "its" in it previously as Alan mentions?

Happy Christmas Larry! May you receive all good things to come!

Hugz
Lori

[Larry]

Merry Christmas Lori,

The poem, in L7, did contain "its" but after reading Alan's post, I looked it up to be positive and MW, New Collegiate, and my own spell-check dictionary software had the word "emeralds" as three syls.

It's not your yankee accent nor my suthun' one; which also pronounces it as just two syls, but merely a conspiricy by the publishers of these scholarly tomes who are incorrect. LOL

I guess I could post it twice and include "its" or "an" in one of the versions of those of us who prefer the two syl emeralds! Seriously though, no matter how many carats the emerald might be, of syllables there shall always be three.

May the Happiest of Holidays be yours,

Larry

[Merlin]

Hi Larry,

I see that I've been noted above, thx for that. I also enjoy taking on something different from time to time, to see what it might yield. I'm pleased to see your result.

I'll jump in first to the pronunciation of certain words >> I tend to go what works for me and dam the torpedoes. Let the rest come around to my way. Things like chocolate, fer instance, which is definitely choc-o-lat, is pronounced choclit. Done deal, if ya don't like it, don't have any.

Next, something to be aware of, may I caution on the overused "OF", something that can become "of-full". Your score is 8/14.

Most enjoyed.

Merlin

[Larry]

Hi Merlin,

Thank you for the visit and kind words. I was thrilled with two of them specifically: "pleased" and "enjoyed".

I'll see what I can accomplish in letting loose of and replacing/deleting off of my poem most of the ofs. I didn't realize my usage was bordering on "of-full" and wasn't really aware I had used that many of them ofs until you made a point of telling me of it. HeHeHe!

I'll be posting a revision in the near future so check back to see if I made a better grade.

You are welcome for the notation, you deserve it. I am going to try a few more sonnets in different formats in the near future and have the perfect guidelines to do so.

Again, thanks,
Larry

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Larry, I shall try not to repeat what I said over in the challenge forum. I also was born a 'down-easter' and have picked up all sorts of off the wall ways of saying/pronouncing words. Em-er-alds has always been a 3 for me. I pronounce the word 'hawk' as a 'hock' (something you do in a pawn shop, with your stuff) my wife says it 'haaawk', when my daughter says 'crayon' I hear 'crown' so I think like Merlin pronounce it how you please but use the dictionary for the siily bulls as Arnnie would say. LOL. I think a deep fried s'thn'r, a stuck in the mud, clenched jawed Harvarder, and a snob nob Cambridgeshire, and maybe an Irish pub crawler would be a riot to listen to having an argument over woids, I mean words...lol. This is still a fabulous poem Larry.

Steve

[Sekhmet]

Good morning Larry - Gulp! A Terza Rima Sonnet - so very beautiful; and, with not a single squirrel burying his nuts in sight.

Mere fodder promises a future crown
of jade and emeralds from earthen bed.
Between the soil and snowy shroud they keep
a storied history. They are not dead…

These lines are particularly moving - and beautifully put together.

I did have a slight problem with L2:

lie moldering in mounds of brittle brown

- until I read the correspondence about accents. Of course! Moldering has three syllables, not the scant two into which I was trying to squash it. I try hard to speak with the 'received' English accent - but I was raised by a Cockney mother - and sometimes her compressed speech patterns creep back.
A fine poem, and an interesting digression into how we say things.
Happy, Happy, Happy 2010,
Leo

[Eisa]

Hi Larry

I haven't read a Terza Rima for some time and this one is full of stunning imagery from beginning to end.

I have nothing to offer for suggestions, but had to smile at the syllable problem of emeralds. I always feel with words like that you can use the syllables to suit your meter. LOL! eg Jewels -- some people say jewels, some say jools.

Great sonnet
Snow

[Larry]

Hi Y'all,

Ain't English fun?

No wonder the rest of the world has a problem trying to keep up with all the various dialects, slangs and slurs.

Steve, I'm glad you liked my poem in both venues. As far as the argument on pronunciation by the four gentlemen, I would probably pick up the occasional word from your last three participants,

deep fried s'thn'r, a stuck in the mud, clenched jawed Harvarder, and a snob nob Cambridgeshire, and maybe an Irish pub crawler

but not enough to understand the gist of that conversation. It gives me a headache just thinking about it.

Leo,
Thanks for the read and the praise. Sorry about "moldering" but I understand where you are coming from because my brother spent 20 years in England and when vacationing, we often went to the fish market and I had to have him translate what the vendors were saying. I'm flattered that everyone seems to enjoy my first tiny steps into the Terza Rima realm.

Although I'm not sure I understand about the squirrel and his nuts, I'm positive there are a number of jokes in there somewhere.

Snow, thank you for the praise and kind words. I too have had a lot of fun with the discussions on pronunciation and the dialectal divergences of a supposed common language.

Merlin... Are you out there counting my "ofs"? Hopefully "Leaves" is now less "of-full". Man, there were a lot in there. Thanks again for pointing them out and I see how they can become a crutch. Thanks also for introducing me to this beautiful form.

Happy Gnu Yeer Y'all,
Larry

[Thoth]

Dear Larry,

I must apologise for not getting here sooner. I intended to but other things intruded.

I love the image, the lesson and the insight into the wondrous cycles of nature. The form was well implemented and suits the mood. Masterfully done my friend, the overall image is wonderful!

The future crown growing from debris of leaf-mold. Sort of inheritance of ancestral strength. What a thought!

Here I am - in darkest semi literate Southern Africa with our own way of interpreting the written word, mostly colonial English but with all sorts of other influences to complicate things. Emerald may use 2 or 3 syllables to my ear, equally correct. The color uses 2 syllables; the royal gemstone, 3 !

So there you are, ain’t it never just so?

My only suggestion would be to pluralize “tell” = “tells”

I shall attempt one of these when the moment is right, for now I must be content to simply envy your skill.

Thanks for that stimulating read.

Cheers,

Wally

[Larry]

Hi Wally,

Thanks for stopping in and I'm blushing from the compliments. I had never tried one of these before but after reading the "How To" written by Eric, I wanted to give it a go.

As far as "tell/tells", I must leave it as is because the poem is about leaves and the "leaves from a book tell".

Thanks for your input on "emeralds". It is quite possible that what you say is true. Down here in SE Louisiana, there is a famous chef who put out a line of cookware (my wife owns all of them). His name is "Emril" Lagasse. Just one more step into confusion!

Please try one of these soon, I love to read your poetry and I'm sure it would be a thing of beauty.

Happy New Year,

Larry