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Thoth
Posted on: Dec 20 14, 11:32


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Hello old friends.

Just stopping by to wish you all a wonderful holiday. Wherever you are in the world my thoughts will find you
and like souls will celebrate in the magic they shared over the years.

I still write occasionally but seldom show these days having become something of a hermit when it comes to forums. Seems the ever changing river takes us seperate ways and those magic islands where we once played in sunshine have been left behind along with our hearts.

Be well.

Wally
  Forum: Member Announcements -> Basilica · Post Preview: #136554 · Replies: 2 · Views: 5,697

Thoth
Posted on: Nov 24 14, 07:02


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Daniel

For me each poem must select its own form to say what it has to say, that is why I seldom participate in challenges. I think you struggled with this one by trying too hard to comply with form. In the end neither the message or the structure worked out.
I did follow the poem's sentiment but perhaps not as you would have liked.
I know that wont keep you down for long.

Cheers, Wally
  Forum: Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -... · Post Preview: #136420 · Replies: 9 · Views: 4,867

Thoth
Posted on: Nov 24 14, 07:01


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Daniel

For me each poem must select its own form to say what it has to say, that is why I seldom participate in challenges. I think you struggled with this one by trying too hard to comply with form. In the end neither the message or the structure worked out.
I did follow the poem's sentiment but perhaps not as you would have liked.
I know that wont keep you down for long.

Cheers, Wally
  Forum: Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -... · Post Preview: #136419 · Replies: 9 · Views: 4,867

Thoth
Posted on: Aug 23 14, 03:32


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Kieth and Maggie, Thanks for popping in to read.

Lori, thank you for those suggestions re the grammar and punctuation. Always such a sharp eye cyclops.gif for these things and much appreciated. thanks.gif I shall do a revision shortly.

Hugz

Wally
  Forum: Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -... · Post Preview: #135737 · Replies: 12 · Views: 4,382

Thoth
Posted on: Aug 2 14, 05:11


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Hello Larry, Thanks for those suggestions you are correct in the singular /plural issue.

Daniel, I somehow lost the original text. Closest is in Larry's crit. Sorry . . .

Syl, Nice to see you you popping in for a read and chat. Hope all is well at home now.

"Untranquil mist" was chosen very specifically to serve the sub layer. The negated verb has implications reach beyond the immediate visual verb (turbulent or roiling) I was trying to create uneasiness perhaps a conflict or threat.

"Mere Kings" and the symbolic importance of rivers, deserts sea etc also serve that sub layer. Immediate financial cost to reach the stars sits on the surface layer but below that is the cost to humanity which of course only Gods could understand.

Forgive my rambling. I never usually expose sub layers and symbolism , most readers skim the surface blissfully unaware and those few capable of seeing deeper will make their own interpretation.

Cheers all

Wally
  Forum: Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -... · Post Preview: #135236 · Replies: 12 · Views: 4,382

Thoth
Posted on: Jul 22 14, 07:24


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Hey Jerry

Thanks for stopping by to read. Your comment is absolutely valid and even before I saw it, had already made some changes for clarity. I wrote this piece early this morning while still in bed (Its mid winter here) so I expect it to mature by the time spring arrives.
I added a note below to assist readers align their thoughts. Personally I struggle to follow some philosophical classics.

Hope it is a bit more comprehensible now.

Cheers

Wal
  Forum: Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -... · Post Preview: #135095 · Replies: 12 · Views: 4,382

Thoth
Posted on: Jul 22 14, 01:29


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The tour is far, the route adverse
our quests beset with balk and woe.
Most outcomes of our toil obverse
and greed shall tax what seed we sow.
Today, great rivers test our mind
that desert plains tomorrow be
lush pastures vast and unconfined;
more fertile than the plundered sea.

Tomorrow’s walls we need transcend
should man aspire to touch the stars;
at cost mere kings can’t comprehend,
untranquil mist our wisdom bars . . .
Whilst dreams yet dreams may long remain,
we’ll dream our God-games just the same.


Edit 1







This sonnet peeps into mankind’s indomitable will to master his environment at all cost, against adversity and setback. Although the wisdom of such endeavors could at times be questionable, without dreams we are nothing.


Copyright WW Schwim 22 July 2014
  Forum: Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -... · Post Preview: #135090 · Replies: 12 · Views: 4,382

Thoth
Posted on: Jul 20 14, 01:32


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Mmh . . .who is this minuscule ethereal spirit? I see perhaps a butterfly flittering among the flowers, momentarily pausing to search a likely blossom then hesitating, she sups on nectar pollinating the blossoms so fertile seed may perpetuate the cycle of life.

Most wonderfully you have sketched the dynamics of this scene, spinning it all into 14 enchanting lines of verse but there’s more; Is that a trace of envy in the narrator’s voice ? I don’t think so. . . I see it like a humble realization that every living creature, each on their own scale within the universe serves toward a common purpose. Like looking though a magnifying glass and recognizing there a mirrored replication of our own dimension.

Lorri, that is inspirational poetry indeed!! Splendid work.

I shall decline to crit because I’m sure its is exactly the way you want it. The stumble that Jerry bumped against in L3, if not intentional is an absolutely perfect nuance to the stuttering flight of the butterfly.

Thanks for sharing and I do hope your wonderful muse has come of out of seclusion to flutter on sunbeams.

Hugz

Wally
  Forum: Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -... · Post Preview: #135059 · Replies: 8 · Views: 3,381

Thoth
Posted on: Jul 19 14, 15:09


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Hello Lori

It wonderful to see you here again getting involved, critiquing (and writing too I see) once more. pharoah2.gif lovie.gif You always offer useful and relevant comment that reminds me why I joined MM so many years ago now.butterfly1.gif

I do like your suggestion of the ellipse because it can imply omitted words or thoughts as well as a pause. Previous purist mentors have discouraged me from using it but in recent years I find myself strangely pushing away from observing the strict disciplines of traditional form and absolute grammatical correctness. Your next suggestion; “soothe my soul” is also spot on and gladly accepted since “restless” is already used in that same verse. Good call!

The others I’m not so sure about because they alter the meaning of the sentence. Isn't it amazing how that can happen by placement of a simple comma!

Case 1.
Each special spot upon God's Earth
is place for souls to share re-birth

The special spots on God’s Earth are places for spiritual re-birth, summarises the message of the poem.

Case 2.
Each special spot upon God's Earth,
our place for souls to share re-birth

God’s Earth is the place for spiritual re-birth (now actually opposing the message of the poem) - Big difference!

Many thanks for reading and commenting.

Hugz princess.gif

Wal
  Forum: Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -... · Post Preview: #135056 · Replies: 5 · Views: 2,537

Thoth
Posted on: Jun 25 14, 14:52


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At times I crave the restless sea,
at times deep forests make me whole;
dry desert plains can set me free
while mountain cascades rest my soul.

Today, great rivers hold my mind
and bush-veld nights my passions bend;
tomorrow, sunset lakes shall find
tranquillity life can't transcend.

The road is long, the journey hard
each trail beset with peril and greed
It’s well to always be on guard
yet keep in sight one's humble creed.

Each special spot upon God's Earth
is place for souls to share re-birth.


© WW Schwim


There you are Jerry. A pastoral sonnet without guile, concealed meanings in the metaphore or uncommon words to look up. Does it leave a warm familiar feeling to some readers, invoking perhaps a trace of nostalgia to others yet impart an obvious lesson to those receptive to it?
Depends on entirely on the reader's interpretation.

Or is there more hiding behind a simple skin? Depends on the Author, does it not?

I write seldom these days and then for my own pleasure cause as you say, no-one wants to know anyway
and if along the way someone perchance likes what I write then I consider it a bonus. If they dislike it, well, that's ok too and should it fall on deaf ears it's simply the way of the world.
  Forum: Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -... · Post Preview: #134883 · Replies: 5 · Views: 2,537

Thoth
Posted on: Jun 25 14, 09:56


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So true indeed!

QUOTE
But still abstain from lines much brayed by mules
That whine about past loves, and themes too trite,
Their overuse has dulled these once sharp tools.


I applaud these lines!! and spoken in classic voice too with a touch (nay a good dollop) of sarcasm.

It becomes progressively more difficult for the modern poet to create anything really fresh so even good writers are accused of being cliche. That where the great masters excelled, they invented most of the language we accept today which really shows it is up to poets to push the envelop and keep our language moving forward.

The odd dodgy rhyme or slip in metre may or may be explained away but considering they had none of the benefits we enjoy today like computers and internet, their work is remarkable.


Keep em commin!

Cheers,

Wal
  Forum: Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -... · Post Preview: #134881 · Replies: 14 · Views: 5,909

Thoth
Posted on: Jun 17 14, 09:12


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Ah,

Romantic interludes from you,
with something soft and sweet
will help our Rhymer not eschew
those blessings at his feet

for would he woo that Fairy maid
of beauty past our ken,
a floral woven blossom braid,
sweet verses from his pen

would all bode well to catch her heart
with songs of palest blue.
A minstrel who doth love impart
will find his Princess true.

Guitar.gif

heh heh
  Forum: Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -... · Post Preview: #134858 · Replies: 6 · Views: 2,569

Thoth
Posted on: Jun 17 14, 08:11


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Hilarious!

Impromptu and off the cuff humour. I like that!

Cheers,

Wal
  Forum: Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -... · Post Preview: #134857 · Replies: 10 · Views: 5,351

Thoth
Posted on: Jun 17 14, 08:07


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Wow Jerry!!
This turned into a fine ballad indeed ! Goog revision. goodjob.gif

Very Tolkenish Wizard.gif and vivid, something I might read to my Granddaughters at bed time. Read.gif Loved it.

Cheers,

Wal
  Forum: Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -... · Post Preview: #134856 · Replies: 8 · Views: 3,428

Thoth
Posted on: Jun 17 14, 07:55


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Hi Syl

How wonderful that you wrote a Sonnet! And a beautiful one too. See you can do the form stuff if you choose to.

I'm not going to crit as I think Jerry has already done a fine job and I mostly agree with his comments.
Suffice it to say it reads grandly and is steeped in sufficient shrouded metaphore to satisfy a king.

Well done and lets see some more from that stable.

Huz

Wal
  Forum: Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -... · Post Preview: #134855 · Replies: 8 · Views: 4,120

Thoth
Posted on: Jun 17 14, 07:41


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Hello Mau
You have the essence of a wonderful poem here. Being (for the most part) predominantly dactylic in falling metre, a kinda offbeat waltz lyric seems to emerge from the script. It cries out with desperation and depicts the subject’s inner strength as she battles with her demons and eventually ends on a happy note. I love the title too!

Dunno how much crit you want here for one star but I can offer some suggestions that may smooth it up a tad.

I know that you favour your Aussy bush poetry style where metric rules are fairly loose but that last bundle pushes even that envelope to busting for me. It seems to fall apart in S4 (a six line strofe with A,A,B.B.B,C scheme) at a point where in fact it all comes together once more for the subject. Changing the structure is ok but should be done deliberately in a subtle way that accentuates the mood shift.

That old scoundrel “THE” has snuck up on you and inserted himself 16 times while you weren’t looking! Replacing some of these with suitable verbs and dumping others may improve the cadence and cuts some extra syllables that trip up the reader.

I noticed a couple of dodgy rhymes, used in that context, “recession” seemed a mite forced to my ear. Bit of shuffling around solves two niggles but the leading syllables can’t seem to make up their mind to be stressed or unstressed. (This is important for reader to get the rhythm right first time, otherwise it may take several tries to pick it up.)

May I suggest that last group actually be re-composed into two discrete 4 line verses with a key change only in the final strophe. “ House” watching the scene also seemed a bit odd since the familiar sketch here would rather be that of “walls closing in”.

The final verse then paints a picture of sunshine returning to rescue our poor tormented heroine who we assume survives the ordeal. It is here you could alter the metre, making it more upbeat to match the mood shift.

You may also consider narrating in the present tense. It would make a startling impact, by bringing the reader into the scene rather reciting from a history book.

While I’m at it, a little re-wording could improve the metre, (at least regarding the consistency of leading stressed syllables) and there is ample opportunity to spread some alliteration around to make those lines roll smoothly off the tongue.

These are just some thoughts to stimulate the muse. Disregard if you wish or yell if you need further suggestions.

Love to see how this one pans out.

It reminds me of a piece I began in this tempo a while back but never finished. It was about the plight hookers in Johannesburg. (I’ve seen it all) Think I’ll go dig it out and run it past the muse again.


Hugz

Wal
  Forum: Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -... · Post Preview: #134854 · Replies: 3 · Views: 2,238

Thoth
Posted on: Feb 18 14, 07:54


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This was scribbled up especially for you Mau.
I don't mean your poetry is boring, far from it!
but sometimes feel my own is for others,
especially when the muse is on vacation.

--------------------------------------------------------------

Is poetry a style of writing much like pimped up prose
where adjective or metre convert thistledown to rose?
Or is it just an art-form where the artist paints in words,
brushing strophes of colour from a palette full of verbs?

They say a bard’s a poet who has lost the common touch
by posing as a student who has read and studied much.
Are Poets trapped in circles as they jamb for foot and rhyme
trading decent diction for a half a step in time?

Are poets slated boring when they follow all the rules,
others hailed as masters since they mimic styles of fools?
Could cryptic verses printed on a crumpled yellowed page
end up a future classic by and undiscovered sage?

Accused of being cliché when a word’s been used before
and then of forcing language when it’s from the bottom drawer;
the challenges of context or a non-authentic voice
and all this cause the first word was the obvious best choice.

Do muse-less poets type a bunch of drivel to get by
and shuffle words and phrases till a verse appears sly?
If this is what you think I am - you’d better take the door,
It’s hell to be a poet then discover you’re a bore.
  Forum: Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -... · Post Preview: #133982 · Replies: 2 · Views: 2,060

Thoth
Posted on: Feb 18 14, 07:44


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Hello Mau,

Hope all is well with you and you're handling the heat over there.

I liked this piece a lot but stumbled each time on that 5th line. There is a way to read it where the metre works out ok but it does not come naturally to me.

My only real nit is that the story seemed vague. I'm unsure who "HE" is in S3. Perhaps the ex or the new lover and what was it he did that was so bad? Also, who does she visit now?

Left me kinda puzzled and wondering if I missed something. (At my age that's more than likely) laugh.gif

The metre is fav of mine, actually not a heptameter but rather Paeonic tetrameter (one stressed in four) which is great for story telling since it contains double the syllables of iambic tet.

Well done and thanks for sharing, makes me want to hatch a piece using that catchy rhythm.

Hugz

Wal

  Forum: Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -... · Post Preview: #133981 · Replies: 2 · Views: 2,208

Thoth
Posted on: Feb 12 14, 06:27


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Hi Larry

That rhyme still worries me cause even the vowels don't really match. Both words are nasty for rhyme possibilities too so perhaps you should rework the last stanzas something like:

beguiles me with its warm caress and hints
of shooting buds that will in time appear.
When she reveals herself, seductive tints
of forest nymphs shall rise from winter’s bier

to dance through glens in diaphane and jade.
Till then, I’ll smile at each rehearsed charade.


Just some thoughts to keep the muse moving. T or T

Cheers,

Wal
  Forum: Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -... · Post Preview: #133967 · Replies: 15 · Views: 8,590

Thoth
Posted on: Feb 10 14, 07:36


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Hello Larry
Glad your muse is thawing out even it if is by the house heater rather than spring warmth. From what I see of your weather on sky, spring is still some way off.

Lovely sonnet that well depicts the yearning for Spring at the height of winter. Not much for me to nit except a questionable rhyme in S3; tempts / nymphs ???

I questioned the use of “diaphane” mainly for the rarity of this word in modern English language but in pondering the context and imagery, tend to like it more on each read. Although most readers would need to look that one up in a good dictionary, it rolls off the tongue like syrup and fits in well with the translucency of thawing frost and snow.
Love it, well penned indeed and a worthy nom for IPBC – good luck !

Cheers,

Wal
  Forum: Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -... · Post Preview: #133959 · Replies: 15 · Views: 8,590

Thoth
Posted on: Feb 6 14, 03:10


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Hello Snow

Good to see you here too cheer.gif

Thank you for dropping in to read.

Hugz

Wal
  Forum: Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -... · Post Preview: #133942 · Replies: 12 · Views: 3,471

Thoth
Posted on: Feb 6 14, 03:07


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Thanks Lori

Always good to get another's thoughts and angles on a piece,that's what what makes work-shopping a poem on MM so rewarding. Not only are bugs fixed but with some subtle changes one can sometimes end up with a piece that sits entirely differently on the palette or perhaps appeals to a wider readership.

I made some slight changes so would appreciate any further comment.

Hugz


Wally
  Forum: Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -... · Post Preview: #133941 · Replies: 12 · Views: 3,471

Thoth
Posted on: Jan 28 14, 09:52


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Hello Syl and Mau

Thank you both for popping in with interesting comments:thanks:
I'm going to change "unique" because it does sound incorrectly stressed besides it is also a bit too high for kids.

Thank you for the useful input.

writersblock.gif


Wal
  Forum: Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -... · Post Preview: #133925 · Replies: 12 · Views: 3,471

Thoth
Posted on: Jan 16 14, 01:10


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Hello Larry
I was hibernating - not dead laugh.gif

Thanks for reading and picking up that nit.
It's one I always tussle with since although technically "hour" is only one syllable, it is commonly voiced with a lightly accented r (ow-r) rather than (ow) . So it could also be two syllables.

To me, "The passing hour will not return" sounds slightly chunky unless a pause is inserted after hour

I dunno????

Cheers,

Wal
  Forum: Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -... · Post Preview: #133899 · Replies: 12 · Views: 3,471

Thoth
Posted on: Jan 15 14, 05:33


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A fresh un-cliched tribute to the Great Man.

Wonderful use of metaphore and symbols in context with his life.

I am deeply moved once more as memories settle into warm comfortable places but do not fade. He was revered by his people and I am proud to be one.

Thank you for that.

Wal

  Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'... · Post Preview: #133897 · Replies: 6 · Views: 6,132

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