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Cyn
Posted on: Feb 13 09, 20:35


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Hi guys
Thanks for the welcome
This is a photo poem - that is we were asked to find a photo and write about it - within that the reader should be able to "see" the photo, but of course that would not be *all* the poem would contain.

Some great things can come from it. Try one. As you write it, let the photo take you where the poem will eventually go.
I would love to critique some if you do them
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #113544 · Replies: 9 · Views: 5,129

Cyn
Posted on: Feb 12 09, 20:37


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removed
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #113537 · Replies: 9 · Views: 5,129

Cyn
Posted on: Jul 30 07, 14:29


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Daniel
I was very honored that my poem sparked the desire for more knowledge of the area of which I was writing. I quite enjoyed the photos! but understand the need for the mods here to keep things "managed". Thanks as always, friend, for reading and commenting.
Cyn
  Forum: General Site Information -> Scribe's Stylus · Post Preview: #100442 · Replies: 13 · Views: 17,927

Cyn
Posted on: Jul 30 07, 14:24


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I thank you ALL for your helpful comments. I will ponder them.
I am happy the ghost thing worked for some of you. So much is disappearing....
I'll comment on some of the fine writing I see here, that I have missed reading since I have been gone, as soon as I get a chance. I wanted to get this poem out there (the only one I wrote during the entire 6 weeks on the road!) for feedback as soon as I could. Thanks for not disappointing me!
Welcome to those of you I have not met here before. I hope to contribute more shortly.
Cyn
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #100441 · Replies: 6 · Views: 3,460

Cyn
Posted on: Jul 29 07, 13:17


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From: Washington State USA
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removed
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #100369 · Replies: 6 · Views: 3,460

Cyn
Posted on: Mar 29 07, 22:54


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I'll be checking in here as I can, just to read what all of you are writing. But "life" is in the way of writing right now (perhaps as grist for the future mill, however) I look forward to reading you all in the meantime.
Cyn
  Forum: Member Announcements -> Basilica · Post Preview: #93674 · Replies: 3 · Views: 4,911

Cyn
Posted on: Mar 26 07, 16:06


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to write - but I am cheering you all on in your poetic endeavors. This note is just to let you know I have not foresaken you or poetry and will get back to it and all of you when I get a chance, maybe once school is out. I will be on a road trip most of the summer, but I hope to write and paint then and share with you all again.
Cyn
  Forum: Member Announcements -> Basilica · Post Preview: #93566 · Replies: 3 · Views: 4,911

Cyn
Posted on: Mar 2 07, 19:11


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go get 'em Tim!
  Forum: IPBC Archive · Post Preview: #92077 · Replies: 53 · Views: 46,224

Cyn
Posted on: Mar 2 07, 19:10


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I am proud of the three poems that are going to represent MM. Hope to "see" you there.
  Forum: IPBC Archive · Post Preview: #92076 · Replies: 53 · Views: 46,224

Cyn
Posted on: Mar 2 07, 19:07


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Best of luck to all of you! Hopefully I will "see" you there!
  Forum: IPBC Archive · Post Preview: #92075 · Replies: 53 · Views: 46,224

Cyn
Posted on: Feb 24 07, 15:13


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WOW
I did not know it had been nominated! Thanks to whoever nominated it and those who agreed! What a great surprise!
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #91842 · Replies: 20 · Views: 11,283

Cyn
Posted on: Feb 23 07, 15:39


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What a sweet thing to say!
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #91814 · Replies: 12 · Views: 6,426

Cyn
Posted on: Feb 23 07, 12:13


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Hi Daniel

You HAVE commented on this on PT and I have just been remiss in responding there (yet) Thanks for weighing in here. Yes I am sure you can see the wasps. I am glad the image rang true.
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #91809 · Replies: 12 · Views: 6,426

Cyn
Posted on: Feb 23 07, 10:52


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Hi all
This has been revised some

I much appreciate everyone's close read of this. Gregory, I like the duality of your interpretation, a metaphor for a "flushed" relationship.
Liz, he is actually correct about the toilet tissue (picture it tinged with pink), but I left that purposely vague so that it could be interpreted several ways. Climacteric means "change of life". The phrase can be literal (menopausal) in this poem, or seen as a metaphor for change.

Thanks for the nom. I hope the revised piece still meets your nomination standards.
Cyn
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #91803 · Replies: 12 · Views: 6,426

Cyn
Posted on: Feb 20 07, 23:24


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No fair! I planned to nominate this before I knew you nominated mine.

I am nominating this because of the layers in it, (you are a 911 op aren't you?) and because his poem really does a wonderful job personifying something as common as a telephone wire. We pass them daily with barely a thought. I will think about them now each time I pass because of this fine piece

QUOTE (AMETHYST @ Feb 20 07, 04:35 ) *
On the Wire

On the Wire

I appear a threadbare crack
against an ashen sky,
unnoticed,
if not for the winds
that sway me.

Society confabulates
a chaotic void
through my cylindrical sphere;
easily dismissing
my existence,
until God's breath
breaks me.

Steadfast, I endure,
second by second, uniting
family to distant family,
closing the miles
into a hair's-breadth,
connecting conversations,
creating friends from strangers.

I'm privy to their private notions,
entrusted to carry off dirty confessions;
dark and sate of passion, sacred
truths, and unholy lies.

It is lonely listening to chatter,
in all their apathy--they hunger
for consolation; I bring solace
in a single ring.

I am a conduit of universal need,
funneling energy of an over extended perseity-
a conducer of their lives --

and yet, it is the birds, perched
along my fibers that contemplate me.
As sparrows rest and blue jays sing,

"Tek, Tek" an ebon crow calls,
inviting human-kind
to pay homage to my silent prominence.

  Forum: IPBC Archive · Post Preview: #91698 · Replies: 53 · Views: 46,224

Cyn
Posted on: Feb 20 07, 11:19


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removed
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #91668 · Replies: 8 · Views: 5,668

Cyn
Posted on: Feb 20 07, 11:16


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QUOTE (AMETHYST @ Feb 20 07, 06:11 ) [snapback]91648[/snapback]
Heehee..



You should really send something in, you would write something extremely profound!

Hugs, Liz ...



I have one, it is short and sweet. But I had to wait a few days to post it here. So I will post it now.

Glad some of my suggestions were helpful. It is a nice piece of work
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #91667 · Replies: 19 · Views: 7,497

Cyn
Posted on: Feb 20 07, 00:50


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Great response to that workshop Liz
I like the tone of this. I have (a Very few) suggestions


QUOTE (AMETHYST @ Feb 20 07, 04:35 ) [snapback]91646[/snapback]
This month's Guardian Guardian Workshop - Aiden Andrew Dun asks poets to write about the familiar...


On the Wire

I appear a threadbare crack
against an ashen sky,
unnoticed,
if not for the winds
that sway me.

Society confabulates
a chaotic void
thru my cylindrical sphere;
but easily dismiss <---this relates to society so needs to be "dismisses"
my existence, until God's breath
breaks me.

Steadfast, I provide endurance <----provide just feels not quite right here, maybe "I endure, second by second..."
second by second, uniting
family to distant family, closing the miles
between into a hairsbreadth, <---hair's-breath? Omit between?
connecting conversations simultaneously- <---omit simultaneoulsy
creating friendships out of strangers. <---friends?

I'm privy to their private notions,
entrusted to carry off dirty confessions,
dark and sate of passion, sacred
truths and unholy lies-spontaneously. <--- omit spontaneously

I get lonely listening to chatter
and in all their apathy--they hunger
for consolation, and I bring solace <--- omit and
in the single ring of a telephone.

Have they ever considered my capacity
or what part I play within this world— <---this is perhaps too wordy and in my opinion not needed. Maybe just say
"I am"
a conduit of universal need,
funneling energy of an over extended perseity-
a conducer of your lives -- <---their lives
and yet, it is the birds, perched
along my fibers that contemplate me.
Sparrows and blue jays
are my companions; <----omit this line

"Tek, Tek" an ebon crow calls,
inviting human-kind
to pay homage to my silent prominence...


[font="Times New Roman"][/font]



Really like the notion of this poem: Here is my take employing my suggestions:

On the Wire

I appear a threadbare crack
against an ashen sky,
unnoticed,
if not for the winds
that sway me.

Society confabulates
a chaotic void
thru my cylindrical sphere;
but easily dismisses
my existence, until God's breath
breaks me.

Steadfast, I endure,
second by second, uniting
family to distant family, closing the miles
into a hair's-breadth,
connecting conversations,
creating friends out of strangers.

I'm privy to their private notions,
entrusted to carry off dirty confessions,
dark and sate of passion, sacred
truths and unholy lies.

I get lonely listening to chatter
and in all their apathy--they hunger
for consolation; I bring solace
in the single ring of a telephone.

I am a conduit of universal need,
funneling energy of an over extended perseity-
a conducer of their lives --
and yet, it is the birds, perched
along my fibers that contemplate me.
Sparrows and blue jays.

"Tek, Tek" an ebon crow calls,
inviting human-kind
to pay homage to my silent prominence...


Great work Liz
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #91647 · Replies: 19 · Views: 7,497

Cyn
Posted on: Feb 18 07, 22:12


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LOL
  Forum: Poetry Exhibition -> Plato's Pearls of Wisdom · Post Preview: #91580 · Replies: 7 · Views: 6,554

Cyn
Posted on: Feb 18 07, 15:52


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From: Washington State USA
Member No.: 145


I am way too late to be of much use here Tim (been very busy and heading out of town again tomorrow)

This is one of your finest pieces I think. And it has a wonderful musical quality that befits the subject, So I will be leaving word choice and phrasing alone here as I think you have a wonderful voice in this. My criticism is it was confusing to make the leap from the harp to the ivory keys (knowing full well that the keys referred to a piano) then wondering if harp was a slang word in some circles for piano - but I live with a musician and most of my friends are muscians and I have never heard that before.

Once you explain that Alice played both, of course it makes sense, but I believe others will fail to make the leap, just as I did. Because you say THOSE ivory keys, this reader thinks you are talking about something you have already mentioned, when the piano was not previously mentioned at all. Then the remainder of the poem talks about her piano, no mention again of harp

So maybe just do some thinking on how to help the reader who does NOT know Alice make the transition from harp to piano. Or have the notes pulled from the piano instead of plucked from the harp

My only other nit is having the last line stand alone. I am not sure why that bothers me, so I can't give you a good reason. I think maybe it gives it too much importance and takes away from some of the other wonderful things going on in this piece.
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #91573 · Replies: 22 · Views: 9,191

Cyn
Posted on: Feb 18 07, 15:34


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Hi Rayn
I remember this as being one of the first poems of yours I commented on, on the site where we first met. This has a come a distance since then, but I too agree this can be trimmed to make it even more poignant than it already is. Here are my meager suggestions to use or lose (I have just basically edited instead of doing in-line comments. If you have any questions about why I made a particualr edit, please ask)



Why can't I hear the sirens?
Any second now they'll be here.
He's not moving.
Any second....
Please.

We stand huddled, helpless.
Every time I ever teased him
about that thick skull,
every word that passed between us
echoes, races in my head.

A moment ago he was laughing.

I stare at a world without him,
as onlookers collect on the asphalt,
a growing pool of pity.
My mother does not hear them.
She listens for sirens.

In the arms of a woman
she's never met, my sister,
melting, is cradled.
She turns to me; I open,

clutching her to me.
We pray for time.
We pray they know
he is more than a trauma,
a broken vessel.

He is swallowed in a tide
of blue uniforms and red trucks.
A lens, fallen from his glasses,
reflects the red and blue strobe
from its shattered surfaces.

We watch as life
fractures beneath our feet,
as cracks deepen and spread,
while the world rides upon a siren
fading in the distance.
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #91572 · Replies: 8 · Views: 2,834

Cyn
Posted on: Feb 18 07, 15:08


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From: Washington State USA
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Hi Jenni
I like a lot about this piece. The mood is successfully accomplished. I do think it can be trimmed a bit though and here are my suggestions


Perspectives

The sun sinks <---this does help set the mood but it almost borders on cliche (at least maybe too much for an opening line)
on another Friday afternoon.
I walk towards home,
passing the charity shop coffee house
where through curved glass
I see today's recycled people <----I think I know what you are after with recycled here, but it feels a bit like you may be preaching to us when I think what you mean is that the people in this place are ever changing
sit and chat about their yesterdays,
knowing their tomorrows hold so little. <----I might drop this line and let the reader come to their own conclusion about the peoples' tomorrrows, since really how can the N know that THEY know they have so little to look forward to
I climb the hill towards the sea.<--- I like the repeating of going towards something - home, the sea
A February blackbird trills
reminding me

I have seen no thrushes <--- I love the pensiveness of this - and I love birds in poems
from the North this winter.
Behind the funeral director's <----I think you need a comma here
a private ambulance,
too long for the allotted space,
forces me from my path.
The sky is blue for ever <----forever
over a quiet sea
And I am just another dot
diminishing
well before<-----consider ending with diminishing
infinity.


Nicely done Jenni

Here it it without the suggestive bits, take what you want



I walk towards home
as the sun sinks
on another Friday afternoon,
passing the charity-shop coffee house
where through curved glass
I see today's patrons
chatting about their yesterdays.
I climb the hill towards the sea.
A February blackbird trills
reminding me

I have seen no thrushes
from the North this winter.
Behind the funeral director's,
a private ambulance,
too long for the allotted space,
forces me from my path.
The sky is blue forever
over a quiet sea
And I am just another dot
diminishing.
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #91571 · Replies: 18 · Views: 8,109

Cyn
Posted on: Feb 18 07, 14:49


Creative Chieftain
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From: Washington State USA
Member No.: 145


Thanks for reading Dani, I'll look forward to your thoughts on this
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #91570 · Replies: 12 · Views: 6,426

Cyn
Posted on: Feb 16 07, 20:30


Creative Chieftain
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Group: Gold Member
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From: Washington State USA
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[removed
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #91538 · Replies: 12 · Views: 6,426

Cyn
Posted on: Jan 31 07, 23:02


Creative Chieftain
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Posts: 883
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From: Washington State USA
Member No.: 145


I can see your point Liz. The reason it was, and has returned to, the line before was to keep the meter set up with the feminine end followed by a masculine end. But since this was posted in non-met/free verse, your suggestion is well taken.
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #90850 · Replies: 12 · Views: 7,459

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