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Posted by: ohsteve Jan 9 09, 13:02

4th revision

I awake...equate
Hyacynth knifes through thin snow
must be spring time now.

3rd Revison

I awake...equate
lily heads wave above thin snow
must be spring time now.

2nd revision

I awake...equate
lilies grow in thin snow;
they spring forth in Spring.

Revised

I awake...equate
flowers grow a thin snow;
must be spring now.

Original

I awake, equate
flower grows from white snow bank
must be spring time now.

Posted by: prerna bala Jan 13 09, 06:44

oh , you are talking of the other hemisphere. But you could also be talking of how flowers bloom in spring, a wishful comparision, which one of them are you talking of ? or am i entirely wrong ?

are you particular about the 5-7-5 ? the pause between awake and equate is brilliant!

Posted by: ohsteve Jan 13 09, 14:08

Prerna, i was imaging toward how flowers break through the snow in spring. As for the 5-7-5 if it is to be hiaku then it has to be that...did I miss something-again...lol.
Steve

Posted by: prerna bala Jan 14 09, 12:20

the aha moment dawns on me; "AHA! so that is it. "

Posted by: Larry Jan 14 09, 13:21

Hi Steve,

I agree with your statement that if it is Haiku, it must retain the 5-7-5 format, even if it will not translate to Japanese with the same structure.

Couple of nits! I'd like to see more of a pause in the first line. Maybe a ( ... ) instead of a comma. In the second line, I see one little flower blooming in the snow (Snow Crocus perhaps). Could you make that plural with - "Flowers grow from white snow bank", because one flower does not a Springtime make. Just my suggestions, take or toss!

Larry

Posted by: ohsteve Jan 14 09, 21:34

Larry, thanks for stopping by to read, I debated on whether 'flower grows' or 'flowers grow' would be better. and yes the elipse does work better than the comma thanks. I also change the 2nd line as everyone knows snow is white, and a bank implies a large amount of snow, so now its a thin snow like you get toward spring.
Steve

Posted by: Larry Jan 15 09, 00:54

Hi Steve,

Nice revision but I have a new nit - you got away for the Haiku parameters in L2 & 3.
I know that they are not hard and fast rules, especially when written in English but you stated:

.

I do like the revision to "a thin snow". That's how you know Spring is just around the corner.

Larry

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Jan 15 09, 06:45

Hi Steve,

Nice change with that elipse in L1. I enjoy the haiku and when one can make use of every word succinctly. I'm going to suggest that you revisit three sections of this one:

I awake...equate
flowers grow a thin snow;
must be spring now.
The first is the word 'flowers'. Do you mean grow in or through snow? I'd love to see you choose a particular flower to put there, as Larry suggests crocus or perhaps daffodils or tulips?

The second is the word 'thin'. I'd like to see a sub there as well - perhaps sheer, shadow, gossamer or wispy.

The third is L3 - I'd like to see it be a statement moreso than a question: Maybe : Spring's arrival comes ?

So if you opt for any of my ideas (sticking to the 5-7-5 params), you might have something like:

I awake...equate
Crocus peek through shadow snow;
Spring's arrival comes

Enjoyed!
~Cleo

Posted by: Peggy Carpenter Harwood Jan 17 09, 08:58

Hi Steve,

This is beautiful IMHO!


I am a bit curious about line 1. I don't know if that is just assonance (the "a" sound in "awake" and the "a" sound in "equate") or if it is internal rhyme. If it is assonance I think a haiku purist would say it's okay, but if it is internal rhyme I think it might be against the rules. From what small bit I know about haiku, I believe rhyme is a no-no.


Again, I think it's beautiful!

Peggy

Posted by: ohsteve Jan 17 09, 10:20

I have revised a second time, I notice that I forgot the word time in the third line there, but redid whole third line, and used Lilies instead of the generic flowers. I still like thin snow...lol. Peggy, I am not sure about inner rhyme in Hiaku, hmmm I know that end ryhmes are not right but not about inner rhyme. So if I did three lines of inner rhyme I could call it Steve-aku?

I equate...debate
on this line of inner rhyme
it does not ring...Spring.

Steve

Posted by: Peggy Carpenter Harwood Jan 17 09, 11:28

Hi Steve,

I see a couple nits in revision 2.

2nd revision

I awake...equate
lilies grow in thin snow; ( There are only 6 syllables in this line.)
they spring forth in Spring (Personally, I like your line 3 in the original better.)

Peggy

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Jan 17 09, 14:59

Hi Steve,

Back again:

I awake...equate
lilies grow in thin snow; (is there another word to use for 'grow' here?)
they spring forth in Spring

Aside from the shortened line in L2 (need one more syl), I'm not certain you have to name the season?

If you changed thin snow, to melting snow, you could then say something like:
they burst forth in thaw

another idea:
vernal equinox or vernal season's come

So, you might have something like:

I awake...equate
lilies reach through thawing snow;
vernal season's come

I awake...equate
lilies spring forth through thawed snow;
vernal equinox

~Cleo

Posted by: prerna bala Jan 18 09, 14:09

i like the fact that the flowers are lilies, i can visualize them, now that it is mentioned.
spring forth in spring is fine too, i see them hopping above the ground, now that it is spring.

Posted by: ohsteve Jan 19 09, 16:41

I have revised again, but have tracked back to the original. It seemed this was drifting too far away. Thanks to everyone for their ideas and suggestions.
Steve

Posted by: Larry Jan 26 09, 13:50

Hi again Steve,

I like your (now) unrevised final line. Two nits still shout at me. The first is your choice of "lily" as the flower. There might be a flower in the Lilium family, of which there are over 100 varieties, that blooms in early Spring but I haven't heard of one. Perhaps you could use Daffodils instead. The aforementioned Daffodils, Crocus, Hyacynth and Snow Drops are the only four varieties which will push their way through snow and show a bloom. Sorry about the horticultural lesson! The other is that you now have 8 syls in L2. Could you use something like - "Daffodils knife through thin snow"? I now have yellow and white varieties blooming in my back yard but there is no more snow, thanks to SE Louisiana weather.

Just a thought, take or toss.

Larry

Posted by: ohsteve Jan 28 09, 10:55

Larry, thanks for the horticultural lesson, I don't know anything about flowers, or not much more than they are pretty and my wife likes to get them as a surprize... I used Hyacynth as the flower, but did use your 'knife(s) through' thanks for that. I think I have gotten back to the 5-7-5 again and maybe finally have it make sense...lol. Whew, who knew that hiaku could be so hard...lol. Thanks to everyone for the comments and suggestions.
Steve

Posted by: Larry Jan 28 09, 13:53

Hi Steve,

Much better, and thanks to your choice of Hyacinth, I learned something new. The Hyacinth is a distant member of the Lilium family. Therefore, you could still use lilies as long as you didn't specify the sub-species. No, really! Your Haiku (IMO) is polished.
Thanks for letting us help.


Larry

Posted by: prerna bala Jan 29 09, 15:48

nice, steve; nice haiku