 How lucky he was....***-Revision II |
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Poetry Forums > Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren's Synapse  |
 Feb 23 16, 09:00
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#1
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 Assyrian  Posts: 248 Joined: 10-November 15 From: Sunny Florida Member No.: 5,293 Real Name: YC Writer of: Poetry Referred By:TCP  |
How lucky he was… Revision II
that his mugger was no punk. Jake always did aim for the heart. How lucky he was… that the siren sounded when it did which made Jake bolt without his knife. How lucky he was… that the blade stayed stuck in his chest which left the handle pointing the way out. And how lucky he was… that he still had his winnings in his pockets and in his cracked wing-tip shoes. “It should be enough”, he told the cops “for a swanky wake with top shelf liquor and a marble headstone to say I was here. “No poor man’s hole for me like Greasy Thumb Jimmy.” And with that hard comfort he gargled blood, bowed his head back, quickly slipped away. How lucky he was. How lucky he was… Revision that his mugger was no punk. Jake always did aim for the heart. How lucky he was… that the siren sounded when it did which made Jake bolt without his knife. How lucky he was… that the blade stayed put in his chest which left the handle pointing the way out. And how lucky he was… that he still had his winnings in his pockets and in his wing-tip shoes. “It should be enough”, he told the cops “for a swell wake with top shelf liquor and a marble headstone - proof - I was alive. “No poor man’s hole for me like Greasy Thumb Jimmy.” And with that comfort he gargled blood, bowed his head back, slowly slipped away. How lucky he was. How lucky he was…Original that his attacker was no punk. Jake always aimed for the heart. How lucky he was… that the siren sounded when it did which made Jake run without his knife. How lucky he was… that the blade stayed put in his chest which left the handle pointing the way out. And how lucky he was… that he still had his winnings in his pockets and worn out wing-tip shoes “It should be enough”, he told the cops “for a swell wake with top shelf liquor and a marble headstone to mark my grave". “No poor man’s hole for me like Greasy Thumb Jimmy.” and with that thought he gargled blood and passed away. How lucky he was... Luce |
  
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Feb 23 16, 14:59
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#2
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 Assyrian Posts: 256 Joined: 2-November 15 From: Croydon, Surrey Member No.: 5,284 Real Name: Antony Glaser Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Eira Rhaposdy |
A well told villainous expose. The action, lights and camera too perfect for words
·······  ·······Imagination fires the soul, resolution the longing.
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Feb 23 16, 15:47
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#3
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Assyrian Posts: 248 Joined: 10-November 15 From: Sunny Florida Member No.: 5,293 Real Name: YC Writer of: Poetry Referred By:TCP |
QUOTE (greenwich @ Feb 23 16, 14:59 )  A well told villainous expose. The action, lights and camera too perfect for words Thanks Anthony. High praise indeed. But, I did change some wording to soften the profile somewhat. Revision posted. Luce |
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Feb 23 16, 17:54
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#4
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 Assyrian Posts: 250 Joined: 1-November 15 Member No.: 5,282 Real Name: richard chase Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Rhapsody |
luce - I picture this incident on Manhattan's Bowery at the turn of the century. Vivid, with no lics wasted. RC
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Feb 24 16, 10:26
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#5
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Assyrian Posts: 248 Joined: 10-November 15 From: Sunny Florida Member No.: 5,293 Real Name: YC Writer of: Poetry Referred By:TCP |
QUOTE (RC James @ Feb 23 16, 17:54 ) luce - I picture this incident on Manhattan's Bowery at the turn of the century. Vivid, with no lics wasted. RC You can picture it in any "gangster" time frame you wish, which is a long one. However, to narrow it down I added some new wording besides some other things. Luce |
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