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Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews _ Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -> Herme's Homilies _ Romeo/Juliet - Redux I&II (esp. for D&L)

Posted by: RC James Jan 31 18, 15:34

I.

Their families at war with each other,
rabid dogs at the heels of a stranger,
one angry son to a feuding brother.
In their own measure, away from danger,
they intertwined hands, welcoming desire,
and gifted each other unwonted bliss.
As the clans’ rivalry spun in a gyre,
the two became aware of their abyss,
a deceptive potion would remedy
the dark mire, albeit a desperate cure.
Deadly, morbid, ill-advised, the recipe
effected a demise of hearts still pure.

In full wedding night posture, unavowed,
forever’s dusky form served as their shroud.

II.

Poppin’ off at each other, kinfolk were,
nasty coon-hounds worryin’ a preacher,
young frisky whelp to a nasty neighbor.
Hid away from peepin’ nosy stalkers,
they clutched each other tight and long,
gave each other a tasty dose of neon blue.
Families pissed as tom's in a gay cat bar,
the pair jumped up to their situation,
blotter acid mixed with pure thorazine
might prove the cure to their dilemma.
Too far-out, spacy, the cocktail, spookily
turned both their lights to endless black,

dressed for the hook-up, down for night,
laid-out, ebony eternity draped them tight.

Posted by: JustDaniel May 12 18, 16:40

Greetings, Richard.

A nice attempt at Shakespearean sonnet. The rhyme scheme is totally correct in first one. I guess you're not attempting Iambic Pentameter (daDUM daDUM daDUM daDUM daDUM) that's usually found in them?

Interesting current backwater twist to the second one and mostly departure from rhyme (and line-length on occasion).

Since you didn't indicate desire for critique, that's about it for now.

deLighting to see you, and sorry not to have dropped in earlier. I've been going through a lot of physical pane of late, so haven't been able to do any SERIOUS writing. Just been playin' with Larry in Karnak for the most part.

Lightly, Daniel