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Posted by: Eisa Feb 26 04, 04:53

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Faded Layers


I frown at my reflection wistfully
and recognise my bloom’s become debris.
Instead, my mother gazes back; in truth,
maturity replaced my tender youth.
Soft silk has been exchanged for crinkled crepe
to shroud my inmost self. I can’t escape
from Time’s persistent pace, for she’s designed
this puckered faded fashion, so maligned.


Time’s fingers frayed my visage … I accept
the ravages she wreaked, for they reflect
life’s stormy waters, where no calm appears
to shape persona through tempestuous tears.
I rummage through the rustiness of life
to trace the winding tracks that turn to strife.
Determination’s pushed me to pursue
my problems, hiding battle scars from view.


As seasons change, I face them …  unafraid
of Time's relentless tides and facial raids.
Inside I may be bruised with wounds from war,
yet I’ve survived to stretch my wings and soar.
So mirror image, though you may displease
when dusty covers are removed; just ease
my faded layers back to look behind …
a stronger fabric shows … my mellow mind!

Posted by: Feb 26 04, 17:10

Dear Snow,

This is quite beautiful, in it's mature acceptance of nature's progress, and your incredible long series of metaphores never wears out.

You are obviously the sort of lady that I love to know, who within herself knows where TRUE beauty lies .....

Now, to be totally rude. When I saw your title, my rubbish mind immediately jumped to english slang, where a "layer" is a hen (laying eggs), and an "old boiler" is a boiling fowl, sadly also applied to ladies past the first shall we say flush of youth. So a "fading layer" = old boiler, past-fresh lady, but I have no intention of applying this to present company.

Turns out my crazy mind was spot on !

Well done on this beautiful and serene poem !

Love
Alan

Posted by: Zeus² Feb 26 04, 17:12

Snow,
A metaphorical lookiing back and how time has gone by. Challenges being met.
Overcoming and coping now with peace of mind.
Well done.
Larry

Posted by: Pygmalion Feb 26 04, 18:42

hi snow,

i quite agree with my fellow poets.  i love the language you use to evoke the emotions of reflection.

but i do have a couple of suggestions:

i think this is a terrific start!  thank you for sharing it.

deb

Posted by: Eisa Feb 29 04, 17:54

Dear Snow,

This is quite beautiful, in it's mature acceptance of nature's progress, and your incredible long series of metaphores never wears out.

You are obviously the sort of lady that I love to know, who within herself knows where TRUE beauty lies .....

Well Alan, I feel it leaves the likes of me at a disadvantage when people spend lots of money on face lifts etc to stay looking young (not that I would if I had the money) Grow old gracefully I say, and your personality will shine through.

Now, to be totally rude. When I saw your title, my rubbish mind immediately jumped to english slang, where a "layer" is a hen (laying eggs), and an "old boiler" is a boiling fowl, sadly also applied to ladies past the first shall we say flush of youth. So a "fading layer" = old boiler, past-fresh lady, but I have no intention of applying this to present company.

Turns out my crazy mind was spot on !

Ha ha!! ... your sense of humour Alan!

Well done on this beautiful and serene poem !

Love
Alan

Hello Alan

Glad you enjoyed this one.

Love Snow

Posted by: Eisa Feb 29 04, 17:57

You've got it Larry

Love Snow

Posted by: Eisa Feb 29 04, 18:44

QUOTE

I frown at my reflection wistfully i would put the adverb, "wistfully" right after "I"

If I put wistfully after I it would destroy the iambic meter of the line and also take the rhyme away.

and recognise my bloom’s become debris.
Instead, my mother gazes back; in truth,
maturity has replaced my tender youth.
Soft silk has been exchanged for crinkled crepe this is a little bit of a wierd image for me.  i don't like crepe material & would not associate it with youth.  silk, however, i like & i like that you are using it with maturity, but you seem to contradict your goal here.
to shroud my inmost self. I can’t "cannot" sounds better to me escape
from Time’s persistent pace, for she’s designed
this puckered faded fashion, so maligned.

Perhaps I have not made this clear, but what I am trying to say is that

[b]the soft silk of youth has been exchanged for a crinkled crepe of an aging face.


It is soft silk that represents youth and crepe that represents age.
At my age I can tell you I don't like crinkled crepe either LOL

Time’s fingers frayed my visage … I accept
the ravages she wreaked, for they reflect
life’s stormy waters, where no calm appears
to shape persona through tempestuous tears.
I rummage through the rustiness of life
to trace the winding tracks that turn to strife.
Determination’s pushed me to pursue
my problems, hiding battle scars from view.
i question the language used here, about pursuing your problems.  heck, why would you want to do that?  i think you really mean to say that you are pursuing the solutions to your problems

Well what I meant here by pursuing problems, is the problems that have no solutions ... eg ... my eldest son is autistic and my mother has alzheimer's. There is no solution to their problems ... only acceptance. I'll think on another way of saying that.

As seasons change, I face them …  unafraid
of Time's relentless tides and facial raids.
Inside I may be bruised with wounds from war,
yet I’ve survived to stretch my wings and soar.
So mirror image, though you may displease
when dusty covers are removed; just ease
my faded layers back to look behind …
a stronger fabric shows … my mellow mind!
i don't like the word "mellow" here.  it's the only thing in this stanza that doesn't seem right and it's at the end & destracts from, well, the whole poem.  i understand what you're trying to say with it, but maybe find a better choice.  i think feelings can be mellow, but not the mind.

Well I did look up the meaning of the word `mellow' carefully before usuing it, and it relates to a mature personality... so I feel that mind and personality are intermingled. The dictionary also talks of `mellow' wisdom which indicates the mind. If I find a word I think suits my meaning better I will use it, but til then I'm stuck with mellow.

i think this is a terrific start!  thank you for sharing it.

deb

Hi Deb

Thanks for giving me plenty to think about here  

Snow

Posted by: Athena Mar 1 04, 05:31

EXQUISITELY contructed and achieved, Snow!!  I've read through it three times and will return for more.  Not only is the poem so well crafted, but the subject matter and your address of it is outstandingly creative!  I truly want to write like this some day!  

This poem is so finished ... so polished ... perfect!  No nits from me.    :dance:

Blessings,

Dolly  :pharoah:

Posted by: Eisa Mar 4 04, 19:25

EXQUISITELY contructed and achieved, Snow!!  I've read through it three times and will return for more.  Not only is the poem so well crafted, but the subject matter and your address of it is outstandingly creative!  I truly want to write like this some day!  

This poem is so finished ... so polished ... perfect!  No nits from me.    

Blessings,

Dolly  

Hi Dolly


Wow  you have made me feel so good today


Thankyou

Snow

Posted by: Siren Mar 17 04, 03:25

WOW!

I'm speechless Snow. I have written this topic too and I'm sure it's been written about countless of times. Your originality shines through here.

I know I'll read this often.

Dani

Posted by: Eisa Mar 19 04, 09:12

Hi Daniah


Thanks!

THis one has been throught many revisions but I think at last I've got it right!

Hugs

Snow

Posted by: Don Apr 10 04, 14:11

Hi Snow, aka Eisa,

Your iambs are nice and tight.

Nit on L6 with "bloom's."

No possesive for bloom.
Suggest either "blooms become" or "bloom became."

Thanks for the fine read.

Don  :pharoah2

Posted by: Apr 11 04, 16:36

Dear Don,

It's NOT possessive !

I frown at my reflection wistfully
and recognise my bloom’s become debris. = my bloom HAS become ... contraction.

Surely that is OK ?

Love
Alan

Posted by: Don Apr 11 04, 17:21

Sure it is okay Alan if other people read it that way.  My early grammar teachers pounded and pounded us about inanimate objects not having possesive case.  Things cannot own anything.  Similar argument is inanimate objects cannot love.  Our informal usage has corrupted purity with time's, year's, etc.  

On the other hand they did not object to "its," which is pronoun for an inanimate object.  

When should I begin reading "time's" as " time has?"

:) Time for me to go back to contraction school? :)

Thanks for the correction, Alan.  I will stand and sit corrected.

Don  

Posted by: Apr 12 04, 00:29

Dear Don,

Wow, a great 0600 start to the day with a post that makes me LOL !

Your grammar teachers surely are wrong : the table's appearance, the chair's seat, etc etc ?

But we are talking about usage, and Snow was even more, using poetic usage, where poetry amongst many other definitions is said to be condensed language.

Btw, is contraction school part of our aging process, a point on our regression to the womb ?

Love
Alan

Posted by: Don Apr 12 04, 07:29

Its now 0830 here Alan.

Language changes due to usage more than academic rule, no.

My dear grammarians hardly can defend themselves from the grave, and whether or not they would advocate different views than then is moot.

For inaminate objects the rule of the day was "... of the..."  
Examples:
   The seat of the chair.
   The appearance of the table.

I really must refresh grammar or be a ghost from a grave.

I also firmly believe poetry is compacted language.  I get into more trouble with tendency to drop articles, "a, an, the," than contraction application.

I tend to avoid contractions for three reasons:
1] They are less formal, which does have a purpose,
2] pronunciation is more dependent upon regional that dictionary entries, and
3] they are cheaters in the meter madness game because they remove syllables.  I see converting to a contraction as a tool for syllable adjustment comparable to using a screwdriver as an all purpose hammer, pry-bar, stirring stick, and punch.

Pass me a screwdriver so I can open a can of beer.

Anyway, I am here to learn and play.

Thanks Alan.

Don

Posted by: Apr 12 04, 08:57

Dear Don,

My, we certainly seem to be stirring things !

" I see converting to a contraction as a tool for syllable adjustment comparable to using a screwdriver as an all purpose hammer, pry-bar, stirring stick, and punch."

E'en now, the poet contracts at eventide
For ev'ry syllable counts, assists his side .....

Nothing new there then ! Wordsworth etc are full of these contractions.

As to the screwdriver, isn't that what it's for ? In olde Englande I understand that in Birmingham they would ask for the "Manchester screwdiver", and would be handed a hammer !

So let's toast those old grammarians, cuz there sure ain't any other kind !

Love
Alan

Posted by: Don Apr 12 04, 09:20

Alan, I am reading The Chicago Manual of Style regarding possessives.

Regarding using of phrases, CMS couches it in such a manner to prompt a telephone call to a Philadelphia lawyer.  My impression is English—at least in America—has swung to less formal.

The exceptions and special considerations drive a person to stir their screwdriver with a screwdriver and toast the grammarians at peace under ground.

A toast to grammarians everywhere.  May they remain buried as the case may be.

BTW, my example of "time's" for "time has" is terrible. The practice of possessive "time's" is entrenched forever...it would seem.

I like your example of old English contractions which sound very formal, as they properly mellow my view of contractions being informal.

To wear black tie or not, that is the question.  Oh, shall we have go at another toast?  Screwdriver anyone?

Don

Posted by: Apr 12 04, 11:52

Dear Don,

"A toast to grammarians everywhere.  May they remain buried as the case may be" - ablative, accusative, dative, or generic (genetive) ?

There is an exception to the rule that grammarians are buried - my mother, 95.75 years old, who has just helped me with these old cases. She studied English in Vienna, and spent years as a language teacher !

So, this screwdriver is dedicated to old head-cases everywhere.

Love
Alan

Posted by: Eisa Apr 13 04, 16:54

Hi there guys


My poem seems to have sparked off quite a discussion

Grammar ... well I remember when my son was doing his GCSE subjects he said that my grammar was old fashioned compared to what he was learning.  I guess some things change in time.

I try to punctuate correctly and would not put anything outrageously incorrect in a poem, but I think there are times when a little `poetic license' can help get something across, or help a poem to flow better.

Anyway, I'm glad this has stirred a discusion, even though it's about screwdrivers and hammers etc


Love from
Eisa

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Apr 13 04, 17:53

Hi Snow!  :sun:

I find this piece well crafted. The debate is interesting - perhaps one of the guys will open a thread in the Debate forum for further discussion?

Anyway, I've been meaning to critique, and will come back to do so!  :taco:

In the meanwhile, "Your piece is your own, and when you are comfortable with the results, that's all that matters in the end."

Hugs!

~Cleo

Posted by: Apr 13 04, 18:20

Dear Snow,

Forgive our taking up your poem space, but I was the first to tell you what a lovely poem this is, and the grammar thing started when I defended your grammatical honor against a dastardly attack by the anti-contractions police !

Don was complaining that "bloom's" should not be a possesive, and I agreed, cuz it isn't !

I'm sure you understand that grammarians are so theoretical that a descent into matters of matter is necessary to maintain sanity !

Love
Alan

Posted by: Don Apr 14 04, 06:10

Hi Snow,

I sincerely apologize for consuming your space with a paper chase.

I do not police anything.  My goal is to learn from others. Your excellent poem had been quibbled well by the time I arrived, and I commented upon the "bloom's" thing because it was what unduly caught my eye.  Strictly an opinion, which, in that post, I went further to say why I thought it glitchy.

Very nice composition Snow. I've become accustomed to enjoying your compositions, and I am attracted to places displaying your name.

Don

Posted by: Eisa Apr 20 04, 04:18

Hi Snow!  

I find this piece well crafted. The debate is interesting - perhaps one of the guys will open a thread in the Debate forum for further discussion?

Anyway, I've been meaning to critique, and will come back to do so!  

In the meanwhile, "Your piece is your own, and when you are comfortable with the results, that's all that matters in the end."

Hugs!

~Cleo

Hi Lori

Sorry I'm a little  late coming back here.

Yes this would be a good subject for debate if Alan or Don would like to open a thread, it would be interesting to find out other people's opinions. :pharoah2

I agree, if the writer feels comfotable with what they've written at the end...that is what really counts.

Thanks and hugs

Snow  :lovie:

Posted by: Eisa Apr 20 04, 04:27

Hi Alan

There is no forgiving to do, my poem sparked off some discussion which is good. :pharoah2  When I wrote that line, I didn't even give a thought to bloom's being read as possessive -- I was too engrossed in getting what I felt into meter. I must say I do find grammar annoying when I am trying to get things into a tight meter.

Yes I do remember you were the first to comment on this poem, Alan as is often the case...thankyou  


Love from Snow

Posted by: Eisa Apr 20 04, 04:34

Hi Don

No need to apologise at all. I feel if my poem sparks a discussion that is a good thing. :pharoah2 As I said to Alan, I had not even given a thought to the possessive nature of bloom's, so I have leaned something too.

I am glad you enjoy my poems...about time I posted another here, I think!

Love from Snow