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Posted by: JLY Jan 27 08, 13:13

1st Revision: 2/27/08

MY FATHER'S HOUSE

The darkest evening of the year...
my trip home to William Place,
no longer a safe, nurturing haven
sheltered by Mom's embrace.

A family Christmas summons me
but warm memories fast asleep,
an emptiness pervades this house;
death's halo is why I sadly weep.

A legend to siblings and friends,
I was one who had first escaped
to chase heady, tempting dreams
passionate fantasies had shaped.

Life's lessons always combustible,
expounded in squalling decibels;
my father's combative resonance
elicited a cacophony that still dwells.

Dinnertime verbal jolting jousts,
a bare-knuckled croquet match,
we knocked heads instead of balls,
memories I still can't dispatch.

I'd escape to a quiet beach
to ponder cluttered emotions
as echoes of pounding waves
dispersed withering notions.

Sheer gravity couldn't move me
to see his hardened positions,
even wind-blown sand dunes
offered disconcerting apparitions.

Today's local weather report
is gloomy, solemn, and gray,
I'm bereft, lost in a malaise;
Dad has sadly passed away.

I've my share of dulcet memories
to drown these solemn stings,
I am the last coyote, hungering,
for the love his legacy brings.

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Jan 30 08, 06:53

Hi John,

I was just playing around with your first two stanzas just to see if the impact of the trip back home could be shared by a switch of some lines for a different impact. By all means, let me know if you favor this style of mine and know I'll be back as soon as I can be again.

The darkest evening of the year…
my trip home to William Place,
no longer a safe, nurturing haven
sheltered by Mom’s embrace.

In your opening, you tell the reader in the first line that the MC is facing some kind of dread - the punch. I would like to see that be the last line of the stanza so the narrator is introduced first, where he's going and then his inner thought at the close of S1. Perhaps something like:
A nullified, nurturing haven
once sheltered by Mom’s embrace,
on the darkest evening of the year…
a trip back home to William Place.

A family Christmas summons me
but warm memories fast asleep,
an emptiness pervades this house;
death’s halo is why I sadly weep.

In S2, now we find out it's Christmastime, and the memories aren't joyous, I find a redundancy in sad and weep. Perhaps something like:
A family Christmas summons me
but warm memories lay asleep,
an emptiness pervades this house;
death’s halo: the reason I weep.

I'll be back soon!
~Cleo

Posted by: JLY Jan 30 08, 07:16

Lori,
I like your suggestions; especially about stanza one. I guess I hit the reader in the head with some dread in the first line....so your revision is a little more palatable.
Thanks,
JLY

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Feb 3 08, 14:45

Hi John,

I'm back again with just a few more ideas for you to ponder as you choose for the stanzas noted below. It's a shocking progression and ultimate conclusion - well done!

Cheers,
~Cleo

[add]

A legend to siblings and friends, (maybe marvel or celeb?)
I[,] was [the] one who had first escaped
to chase heady, tempting dreams
passionate fantasies had shaped.

Life’s lessons[;] always [their] combustible,
expounded in squalling [screeched] decibels;
my father’s combative resonance
elicited a cacophony that still dwells. Suggest a change to something like: elicits disharmony that still dwells.

Sheer gravity couldn’t move me
to see his hardened positions,
even wind-blown sand dunes
offered disconcerting apparitions.
LOVE THIS STANZA!!!

I’ve my share of dulcet memories
to drown these solemn stings,
I am the last coyote, hungering,
for the love his legacy brings.
Excellent transition and ending John!

Posted by: JLY Feb 3 08, 16:07

Lori,
Thanks for taking the time to help me fine tune this storyline. Your edits and thoughtful additions are most helpful.
JLY

Posted by: AMETHYST Feb 3 08, 20:26

Hi John,

The title drew me right in. It has a sense drama in the tone, and seemed to me, to stir my imagination. "My Father's House' has some many levels of emotion that the narrator could work off of... I read Lori's suggestion, especially for S1. Wonderful edge to add punch to the opening to help lure the reader onward.

I have some other thoughts to smooth down the lines a bit, otherwise I felt the tug between emotions and the draw of life unfolding..

Please use what helps and discard the rest...

Big Hugs, Liz

I like the contrast between the past and present and facing shadows... I felt the immediate notation of 'Mom's embrace' being gone shows how much the years brought the narrator to an uneasy time in life... and perhaps the narrator is wishing on the security of being a child and having mom there to protect him/her...

L2 is the only point I would like to make suggestions. I keep wanting to say, revisiting, returning home ... something of that nature...



Perhaps "Our family Christmas summons me" to enhance the sense of tradition and gathering, of what the narrator remembers, which then becomes a stronger punch when L2, reveals that the memories are not at the fore... In L4, perhaps ... death's halo draws my saddened weep.




I like Lori's suggestion Marvel for L1 - I like the context of marvel ...
L2, perhaps I was the one who first escaped
and for L3, perhaps to chase my heady, tempting dreams
L4, perhaps that passionate fantasy once shaped.



I would suggest in L1 replacing 'always' with 'are'
L2, very strong, I like the sound effects that blend
and the image it offers.




Perhaps in L1, switching verbal with jolting might enhance the meaning...

"Dinnertime jolting verbal jousts



This reads smooth and unintrusive. I liked the follow through of weeving the escapes from the reasons for escape... the cluttered emotions, nicely done!





I think this stanza reads off best, perhaps substituting sadly in L4 with suddenly - as the sadness in the event is expressed through out, and heightened with L2/3 -




Excellent ending stanza!!!


Hugs, Liz ...

Posted by: JLY Feb 4 08, 06:47

Liz,
Thank you for all of the effort your have put forth. I particularly like you suggestion of substituting sadly for suddenly.

You are right in pointing out "A Christmas" should be changed to "Our Christmas"....it personalizes this poem that much more.

I am anxious to ponder all of your suggestions and their content will be utilized in the next revision.

JLY