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Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews _ ARCHIVES -> Short Form Poetry -> Shogun's Psalms _ Windy Bill (metrical revision 16 May 2009)

Posted by: Peggy Carpenter Harwood Mar 22 09, 05:15

Windy Bill (metrical revision)

Windy Bill was a cowboy from Butte
who so dearly loved beans and his flute.
After chow he would blow
from his head to his toe.
Such a gassy old flute-tooting coot!

Peggy Carpenter Harwood

Windy Bill (Original)

Windy Bill was a cowboy from Butte
who dearly loved beans and his flute.
After chow he would blow
from his head to his toe,
that gassy old flute-tooting coot!

Peggy Carpenter Harwood

Posted by: ohsteve Mar 22 09, 14:40

Peggy, Wonderful ROFLMAO... this is my smile for today...

Posted by: Peggy Carpenter Harwood Mar 23 09, 20:44

Hi Steve,

I'm so glad you liked it!!!!

Peggy

Posted by: ace Mar 26 09, 15:34

Peggy:

Like Steve...love it.

Naturally two small nits:
Would second line scan better as "who loves his beans and his flute"; your line seems to have one too many syllables.
Line 4..."toe" will rhyme better and doesn't change the sense.

The last line is absolutely perfect.

ace

Posted by: Peggy Carpenter Harwood Mar 26 09, 23:19

Hi Ace,

Thank you so very much for reading and commenting!!! I'm glad you really like the last line!! I really like that one very much too.

As for line 2, it is eight syllables long and should be nine syllables, so I'm leaving it as it is. As for dropping the "s" in "toes," I think you have a good idea there, so I'm going to take your suggestion. Thank you!!

Again, thanks for reading and commenting!!! Much appreciated!!!

Peggy

Posted by: Arnfinn Mar 28 09, 04:56

G'day Peg

Whoooeeee. He He.

Got a good belly laugh outa this one Peg.

Boom Boom.

Regards,

John

Posted by: Peggy Carpenter Harwood Mar 28 09, 09:42

Hi John,

Ha! So glad you enjoyed it!!! Thanks for the appreciative words!!

Peggy

Posted by: Psyche Apr 22 09, 19:53

HAHAHA....Peggy!!!! Great limerick, this one. Do bring on some more, please.

Hugs, Syl***
PS: BTW, L2 also makes me stumble slightly, tho' it may not be important.

How about: "who loved brown beans and his flute"? TorT...!!!

Posted by: Peggy Carpenter Harwood Apr 24 09, 11:22

Hi Syl,

I'm so glad you like it!! I often find it difficult to be a bit risque without being downright vulgar and still be funny at the same time, but I was pretty happy with how this turned out.

Yes, I think the line gives a slight stumble too, but the line was already one syllable short, so I can't substitute "brown," a one syllable word, for "dearly," a two syllable word. If I did I'd be two syllables short of nine syllables. I'll think on a substitute for a while.

Again, thanks so much for reading and commenting!! I always appreciate your great feedback!!

Peggy

Posted by: Marc-Andre Germain May 5 09, 10:18

Peggy,

This is a well-crafted limerick. I've enjoyed it.

Mark

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis May 5 09, 19:26

Ha ha ha Peggy!

I think I might have one solution for your metrical issues - please see below...

Windy Bill was a cowboy from Butte
who so dearly loved beans and his flute.
After chow he would blow
from his head to his toe,
such a ~~that~~ gassy old flute-tooting coot!

Enjoyed!
~Cleo

Posted by: Peterpan May 6 09, 04:19

Hi Peggy~

Do you see how you get all the males going!!!! :) In life we have to smile.

Enjoyed it

Bev

Posted by: Peggy Carpenter Harwood May 16 09, 04:03

Hi folks,

I'm sorry I am so late responding and revising!! Thanks for the suggestions and observations!!! They are much appreciated!!!!

Peggy

Peggy

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis May 16 09, 07:52

YAY Peggy!

I think this is it - the rhythms are smooth!

~Cleo

Posted by: Peggy Carpenter Harwood May 16 09, 08:17

Hi Cleo,

Thanks so much for your help!!!!

Peggy

Posted by: Larry May 16 09, 13:51

Hello Peggy,

Verrrrry funny. I love a good limerick and this one was a "hoot".

I thought of another last line which you might think funny. It is not a crit because yours is perfect. Just something that came to mind:

"as green clouds emanate from his boot."

Larry

Posted by: Peggy Carpenter Harwood May 16 09, 14:12

Hi Larry,

Haaaaaaaaaa!!!!!! You're good at these!!!!
Why not write one too?

Peggy