|
|
|
Short Sight Probe, form: higgledy piggledy (revised) |
|
|
Guest_Don_*
|
Mar 16 07, 10:29
|
Guest
|
29 March 2007 revision ---------------- Short Sight Probe Cricketee crocketee Jonathan Hamburger farsighted minister, opulent robes.
Practices medicine incomprehensibly, escalates suffering peering with probes.
© 2007, D.E. Holmes 29 March
Form: Double Dactyl (Higgledy Piggledy) Meter: Dactyl dimeter Rhyme scheme: abcd efgd
Original with faulty line #6 ------------------
Short Sight Probe
Cricketee crocketee Jonathan Hamburger farsighted minister, opulent robes.
Practices medicine unsuitability. Escalates suffering peering with probes.
© 2007, D.E. Holmes 16 March
Form: Double Dactyl (Higgledy Piggledy) Meter: Dactyl dimeter Rhyme scheme: abcd efgd
|
|
|
|
|
Mar 16 07, 10:50
|
Group: Platinum Member
Posts: 1,802
Joined: 24-April 04
From: Connecticut
Member No.: 58
Real Name: Ron Jones
Writer of: Poetry
|
Dear Don, Yours is one that doesn't convince its reader that it's the rascal of poetic form. "Short Sight Probe" is a perfect title. The thrust of the message, once recognized as what they enTAIL, suggests the trauma that accompanies this Higgledy-Piggledy. Yours reads so smoothly! I consider this one a prime choice to be considered a model. Congratulations!!! Cheers, Ron jgd
······· ·······
|
|
|
|
|
Mar 16 07, 18:28
|
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 2,085
Joined: 24-May 04
From: Time, Immoral
Member No.: 66
Writer of: Poetry
|
Hot diggety doggety, Don!
Wonderful! Masterful! Don, that is, D.E Holmes.
I just may have to try my hand at another of these too.
Merlin
······· ·······
|
|
|
|
|
Mar 23 07, 13:17
|
Ornate Oracle
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 8,861
Joined: 27-August 04
From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia
Member No.: 78
Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:David Ting
|
Hi Don! I've been studying your D.D., having understood the form, meter & rhyme. Trouble is, I don't get your meaning, probably coz I'm not from the U.S. Here go a couple of queries:QUOTE (Don @ Mar 16 07, 17:29 ) [snapback]92901[/snapback] Short Sight Probe
Cricketee crocketee Jonathan Hamburger farsighted minister, opulent robes. I confess to being a bit dim (and probably lacking a sense of humor..), but could you please explain all this about Jonathan Hamburger, farsighted minister, etc.?
Practices medicine unsuitability. Escalates suffering peering with probes.
I understand about "escalating suffering peering with probes"!! But the first two lines stump me, probably because of the way you've used "unsuitability". To me, it should read "unsuitably", or else "medicine's unsuitability". I don't know whether that would interfere with your special meter...
All the same, I think you're a master at R&F, so I'm only asking questions, not critting... Cheers, Syl ***
© 2007, D.E. Holmes 16 March
Form: Double Dactyl (Higgledy Piggledy) Meter: Dactyl dimeter Rhyme scheme: abcd efgd
······· ·······
Mis temas favoritos The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.
"There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction."
Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!MM Award Winner
|
|
|
|
|
Mar 24 07, 07:49
|
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,822
Joined: 3-August 03
From: Florida
Member No.: 10
Real Name: Elizabeth
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori Kanter
|
Hello Don, When I first saw the title I wondered 'hmmmm' what possibly could this be about!" and coming from you, I decided to just waltz on in and find out for myself. I sat one night trying to create one of these and came away with some very, very poorly written Trochee (very poor) LOL so I have to give you a bow and let you know that although the poem is short with short, abrupt lines, the skill in creating them are amazing. This one specifically, I loved the inner sounds that seem to compliment one another, such as 'opulent/proves' the oo sound seems to connect them. As for Jonathan Hamburger, I googled him and only came up with an Anesthesiologist however, I was half expecting to learn about someone who invented or contributed to the microscope/probe for medical purposes (such as the microscope used in lazer and/or looking in without actually having to make any incisions. So I was sort of lost when I came up with nothing that connected what I read here with the man. On a more interesting note, I like how each line adds to a story the reader can build up in the mind using each line sort of like a building block, and in S2, smooth them out to fill in a twist in the picture. Hugs, Liz QUOTE Short Sight Probe
Cricketee crocketee Jonathan Hamburger farsighted minister, opulent robes.
In L3, I read this as someone who saw into the future to make changes that would make a difference. However taking consideration that he is a minister, perhaps he is gowned with jewels and gems, a man of the cloth, but pretends to be a doctor on the side? ...
Practices medicine unsuitability. Escalates suffering peering with probes.
I also felt the need to say 'unsuitably' ... not sure what it changes. I hope to hear the feedback, it seems to be a slippery one! :)
© 2007, D.E. Holmes 16 March
Form: Double Dactyl (Higgledy Piggledy) Meter: Dactyl dimeter Rhyme scheme: abcd efgd
······· ·······
|
|
|
|
Guest_Don_*
|
Mar 24 07, 09:34
|
Guest
|
Hi AMETHYST,
I also find this form very difficult to write. You are correct that I really messed up the unsuitable line. All it needs is a six-syllable, double dactyl word, which is easier to say than supply.
For me, rules for acceptable names are tough. It is legal to fabricate names, which I did with Jonathan Hamburger. Jonathan sounds high class like a minister should be and Hamburger denotes inherent goof-up.
Interesting to learn that you find my titles opaque.
I admit that one can see the minister as forsenic, but the attempt is to describe his deficient physical eyesight, which links later to using probes.
In the field of missionaries many ministers of faith are also medical practitioners. Jesus is known to be a healer. People seem to require a threshold of health before accepting theological conversion. However, the intent was to pull together an unlikely combination (faith/science) for humor.
Thanks for your accolades, and especially for giving it a good go. Many worthwhile endevors, like childbirth, are painful.
May the slipping wheels of spring find firm grip for acceleration into summer.
Don
|
|
|
|
Guest_Don_*
|
Mar 24 07, 09:42
|
Guest
|
Hi Ron, jgd, Fences of form keep the cattle from rambling away, no? Give our horses range upon which to gallop. QUOTE (jgdittier @ Mar 16 07, 09:50 ) [snapback]92902[/snapback] Dear Don, Yours is one that doesn't convince its reader that it's the rascal of poetic form. "Short Sight Probe" is a perfect title. The thrust of the message, once recognized as what they enTAIL, suggests the trauma that accompanies this Higgledy-Piggledy. Yours reads so smoothly! I consider this one a prime choice to be considered a model. Congratulations!!! Cheers, Ron jgd Don
|
|
|
|
Guest_Don_*
|
Mar 24 07, 09:45
|
Guest
|
Dear Merlin, I feel certain others beside myself are eager to read more of your hand. QUOTE (Merlin @ Mar 16 07, 17:28 ) [snapback]92914[/snapback] Hot diggety doggety, Don!
Wonderful! Masterful! Don, that is, D.E. Holmes.
I just may have to try my hand at another of these too.
Merlin Don
|
|
|
|
Guest_Don_*
|
Mar 24 07, 10:02
|
Guest
|
Dear Psyche, Thank you for identifying a fatal flaw in my "unsuitably" line. QUOTE (Psyche @ Mar 23 07, 12:17 ) [snapback]93360[/snapback] Hi Don! I've been studying your D.D., having understood the form, meter & rhyme. Trouble is, I don't get your meaning, probably coz I'm not from the U.S. Here go a couple of queries: {{I don't think geography is the barrier Sylvia. You grasp as well as anyone I know.}} QUOTE (Don @ Mar 16 07, 17:29 ) [snapback]92901[/snapback] Short Sight Probe
Cricketee crocketee Jonathan Hamburger farsighted minister, opulent robes. I confess to being a bit dim (and probably lacking a sense of humor..), but could you please explain all this about Jonathan Hamburger, farsighted minister, etc.? {{I don't believe you are dim or lack sense of humor. Jonathan Hamburger is a fabrication. This stanza outlines his physically deficient eyesight. He just happens to be a minister wearing opulent robes. I failed to think of a double-dactyl title of a medical person. I thought it to be satirically humorous to mix faith of a minister with science of a medicine man.}}
Practices medicine unsuitability.{{really terrible on my part}} Escalates suffering peering with probes.
I understand about "escalating suffering peering with probes"!! But the first two lines stump me, probably because of the way you've used "unsuitability". To me, it should read or else "medicine's unsuitability". I don't know whether that would interfere with your special meter...
All the same, I think you're a master at R&F, so I'm only asking questions, not critting... Cheers, Syl *** For someone merely asking questions, you accomplished a great deal of positive help. Your keen eye is sincerely appreciated. Don
|
|
|
|
Guest_Don_*
|
Mar 29 07, 11:33
|
Guest
|
Revision posted in initiating thread box.
Don
|
|
|
|
|
Mar 29 07, 11:47
|
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 1,621
Joined: 18-August 05
From: Johannesburg, South Africa
Member No.: 127
Real Name: Beverleigh Gail Annegarn
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Jox
|
Hi Don! What a giggle. Well done! PP
······· ·······
|
|
|
|
|
Mar 29 07, 13:43
|
Mosaic Master
Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep
|
These do look hard but FUN Don! I like your change in S2L2! I'll be back again for anotehr peek soon! Cheers Lori
······· ·······
"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
|
|
|
|
Guest_Kathy_*
|
Apr 2 07, 06:02
|
Guest
|
Ha! This fun, Don. A bit of a brain puzzle, eh?
|
|
|
|
Guest_Don_*
|
May 2 07, 10:01
|
Guest
|
Sincere thanks to the following for improving suggestions and enjoying an odd form:
jgdittier Merlin Psyche Amethyst Peterpan Cleo_Serapis Kathy
:) Don
|
|
|
|
1 User(s) are reading this topic (1 Guests and 0 Anonymous Users)
0 Members:
|
|
Read our FLYERS - click below
Reference links provided to aid in fine-tuning
your writings. ENJOY!
|
|
|
|