 A WAYWARD SPIRIT, A sonnet for Jerry |
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Poetry Forums > Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -> Herme's Homilies  |
 Jun 25 14, 14:52
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 Laureate Legionnaire  Posts: 783 Joined: 24-July 07 From: South Africa Member No.: 457 Real Name: Walter Schwim Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Mistral  |
At times I crave the restless sea,
at times deep forests make me whole; dry desert plains can set me free while mountain cascades rest my soul. Today, great rivers hold my mind and bush-veld nights my passions bend; tomorrow, sunset lakes shall find tranquillity life can't transcend. The road is long, the journey hard each trail beset with peril and greed It’s well to always be on guard yet keep in sight one's humble creed. Each special spot upon God's Earth is place for souls to share re-birth. © WW Schwim There you are Jerry. A pastoral sonnet without guile, concealed meanings in the metaphore or uncommon words to look up. Does it leave a warm familiar feeling to some readers, invoking perhaps a trace of nostalgia to others yet impart an obvious lesson to those receptive to it? Depends on entirely on the reader's interpretation. Or is there more hiding behind a simple skin? Depends on the Author, does it not? I write seldom these days and then for my own pleasure cause as you say, no-one wants to know anyway and if along the way someone perchance likes what I write then I consider it a bonus. If they dislike it, well, that's ok too and should it fall on deaf ears it's simply the way of the world. ·······  ······· |
  
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Jun 25 14, 17:52
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#2
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 Egyptian Posts: 369 Joined: 10-May 11 From: Outskirts of Sonoran Desert Member No.: 4,480 Real Name: JerryK Writer of: Poetry & Prose |
Hi Wal;
you are so nice for dedicating a sonnet to me; thank you very much. Yes, it is as simple as a" little song" (deriving from the Italian "Sonetto" or Sonnet). Therefore, there's no need to complicate it with dictionary words or Mensa brain teasers. Yet, even without complicated metaphors to slow the reader down, I find it easy to add my own mind pictures to what your sonnet already stated, and I think that's always the idea behind every great poem. Anyhow, thanks for a delightful Sonnet. Take care, Wal.  Jerry |
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Jun 25 14, 23:45
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#3
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 Ornate Oracle  Posts: 8,865 Joined: 27-August 04 From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia Member No.: 78 Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:David Ting |
Oh, I love this, Wally! I'm only going to say that now, it being nearly 2 a.m., and my head is falling on to the keyboard... I'll come back soon if no new catastrophe looms on my horizon. Hugz,  Syl*** ······· ·······Mis temas favoritos
The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you. "There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction." Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner              |
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Jul 19 14, 10:10
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#4
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Hi Wally!
 What a lovely sonnet!  I enjoyed this very much and am glad to read your beautiful poetry again!I just have a few li'l nits for you to T or T below. At times I crave the restless sea, *Perhaps change the comma to an ellipse* at times deep forests make me whole; dry desert plains can set me free while mountain cascades rest my soul. *I love 'rest my soul here. Would you also consider 'soothe my soul' for alliteration?* Today, great rivers hold my mind and bush-veld nights my passions bend; *Here, I would add a comma after nights, and an apostrophe in passion's* tomorrow, sunset lakes shall find tranquillity life can't transcend. * Not sure if typo due to English variation?* The road is long, the journey hard each trail beset with peril and greed It’s well to always be on guard yet keep in sight one's humble creed. Each special spot upon God's Earth is place for souls to share re-birth. I love the closing couplet and offer a suggestion: add comma at end of Earth and change 'is' to 'our'. Enjoyed the read! ~Cleo 
······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!  "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner  |
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Jul 19 14, 15:09
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#5
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Laureate Legionnaire Posts: 783 Joined: 24-July 07 From: South Africa Member No.: 457 Real Name: Walter Schwim Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Mistral |
Hello Lori
It wonderful to see you here again getting involved, critiquing (and writing too I see) once more.  You always offer useful and relevant comment that reminds me why I joined MM so many years ago now. I do like your suggestion of the ellipse because it can imply omitted words or thoughts as well as a pause. Previous purist mentors have discouraged me from using it but in recent years I find myself strangely pushing away from observing the strict disciplines of traditional form and absolute grammatical correctness. Your next suggestion; “soothe my soul” is also spot on and gladly accepted since “restless” is already used in that same verse. Good call! The others I’m not so sure about because they alter the meaning of the sentence. Isn't it amazing how that can happen by placement of a simple comma! Case 1. Each special spot upon God's Earth is place for souls to share re-birth The special spots on God’s Earth are places for spiritual re-birth, summarises the message of the poem. Case 2. Each special spot upon God's Earth, our place for souls to share re-birth God’s Earth is the place for spiritual re-birth (now actually opposing the message of the poem) - Big difference! Many thanks for reading and commenting. Hugz  Wal ······· ······· |
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Jul 21 14, 07:22
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#6
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Mosaic Master Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Hi Wally,
So good to be back! Been far too long! Its amazing how "Life changes" always bring me back to writing. I'm always here, but have not written much in AGES (lack of support) and now I am making a change for myself, so plan to see me here more!  Yes, I see what you mean about that closing couplet! I look forward to any revisions on this lovely sonnet!  Cheers, ~Cleo 
······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner |
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