 Hope's Slope, From Flash No.52 |
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Archives > Archives > ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011  |
 May 6 07, 10:22
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#1
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep  |
Hope's Slope
On Hope’s Peak, we wend our way through powdered paradise, gleaming smiles in sun’s warmth. Cutting fresh tracks, we slow the pacedown … just long enough to enjoy Nan’s lunch at her “Heavenly Hut” high in the clouds. We can almost touch His nebulosity embracing the might of thisoverhead -- wondrous slope before us. Lofty, emerald pines shroud the terrain just out of reach, the city beyond -- we realize time’s passing and tepidly wave Humbly trodden pathsgoodbye. of this fantastic forest reveal the way home; we compliment sun’s descent toward Jamie slides to an abrupt stop:dusk. ski shop owner Hope lays injured… “Just - one - slalom… Rescue? Ski Patrol?” her words barely audible, “Once - a long time ago, friend.”trail off. Their eyes say so much more. I wend my way through powder’s hell-fire, hoping upon life’s hands I make it back before Hope and timesurrender. Copyright © Lorraine M Kanter ·······  ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!  "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner           |
  
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May 8 07, 06:22
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#2
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 Creative Chieftain  Posts: 847 Joined: 14-November 03 From: Ireland Member No.: 41 Real Name: Lucie Writer of: Poetry & Prose |
Hi Lori,
I always love a poem that tells a story as well and yet still remains a poem..this is terrific and I really liked your structure as well, the winding of words down a slope..just like the characters..the descriptions really set the scene On Hope’s Peak, we wend our way through powdered paradise, gleaming smiles in sun’s warmth. I wonder about "glistening" instead of gleaming, like the sun on particles of snow?? Though gleaming works well also.. Love "sun's descent towards dusk" and the shape of that line also The description of the finding the injured woman and "their eyes say so much more" is great and leaves the reader wanting to know more..always a great place to finish. And the finish line and play on the word "hope" is marvellous as well...a tense moment, full of mystery of the relationship between Jamie and Hope..I saw that this is from a Flash writing..wow!! Great job! Lucie ······· ·······Lucie
"What could have made her peaceful with a mind That nobleness made simple as a fire, With beauty like a tightened bow, a kind That is not natural in an age like this, Being high and solitary and most stern? Why, what could she have done, being what she is? Was there another Troy for her to burn?" WB Yeats "No Second Troy" MM Award Winner  |
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May 8 07, 11:15
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#3
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 Ornate Oracle  Posts: 8,865 Joined: 27-August 04 From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia Member No.: 78 Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:David Ting |
This is a great one, Lori. I love the way you've weaved the snow slopes, the enjoyment, as well as the accident, into your poem. Wonderful Flash work!!
I'll see whether I have any suggestions, to take or toss... :-) QUOTE (Cleo_Serapis @ May 6 07, 17:22 ) [snapback]95551[/snapback] Hope's Slope
On Hope’s Peak, we wend our way through powdered paradise, gleaming smiles in sun’s warmth. [b]I'm not sure about 'gleaming smiles'...sounds toothpasty...sorry!!! Otherwise, excellent beginning. Cutting fresh tracks, we slow the pacedown … just long enough to enjoy Nan’s lunch at her “Heavenly Hut” high in the clouds. Beautiful!!!! We can almost touch [glow=yellow]His cotton balls[[/glow]indent] overhead --[/indent]embracing the might of this wondrous slope before us. Lori, I'm probably dirty-minded, but doesn't '....touch----His----cotton balls----- sound a bit, well...you know, not quite respectful?! Unless I've completely missed the meaning...  Lofty, emerald pines shroud the terrain just out of reach, the city beyond -- we realize time’s passing and tepidly wave goodbye. Humbly trodden paths of this fantastic forest reveal the way home; we compliment sun’s descent toward Jamie slides to an abrupt stop:dusk. ski shop owner Hope lays injured… This surprise event is very well managed. I hadn't expected anything of the sort. Good story woven in, congrats! “Just - one - slalom… Rescue? Ski Patrol?” her words barely audible, trail off. “Once - a long time ago, friend.” Their eyes say so much more. How true...how poignant. I wend my way through powder’s hell-fire, hoping upon life’s hands I make it back before Hope and timesurrender. The ending leaves me wondering whether you get back in time to save Hope. I suppose the Flash didn't allow more time. All the same, I like poems -and stories- where the reader has to decide, or imagine, various finales. Lovely, touching work, Lori! Good idea to post it in the forum. I shall be watching developments. Hugs, Syl ***  Copyright © Lorraine M Kanter[/b] ······· ·······Mis temas favoritos
The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you. "There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction." Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner     |
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May 9 07, 22:02
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#4
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 Creative Chieftain Posts: 331 Joined: 7-March 07 From: Oz Member No.: 408 Writer of: Poetry Referred By:IBPC participant list |
Lori,
Enjoyed in the main with a couple of nits. On Hope’s Peak, we wend our way ('wend our way' is a little tired) through powdered paradise, gleaming smiles in (the) sun’s warmth. and I agree with Sylvia on the use of 'ball' boll may be safer and more apposite except at a reading *smile* Regards, Jax ······· ······· |
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May 11 07, 05:41
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#5
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Mosaic Master Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
QUOTE (Ephiny @ May 8 07, 07:22 ) [snapback]95692[/snapback] Hi Lori, I always love a poem that tells a story as well and yet still remains a poem..this is terrific and I really liked your structure as well, the winding of words down a slope..just like the characters..the descriptions really set the scene On Hope’s Peak, we wend our way through powdered paradise, gleaming smiles in sun’s warmth. I wonder about "glistening" instead of gleaming, like the sun on particles of snow?? Though gleaming works well also.. Love "sun's descent towards dusk" and the shape of that line also The description of the finding the injured woman and "their eyes say so much more" is great and leaves the reader wanting to know more..always a great place to finish. And the finish line and play on the word "hope" is marvellous as well...a tense moment, full of mystery of the relationship between Jamie and Hope..I saw that this is from a Flash writing..wow!! Great job! Lucie Hi Lucie.  Thanks - I couldn't put myself in R&M mode the other day when I read the flash stimulus so I went with a story and then tried to make it fv (I don't know that I succeeded though, other than to make the prose shaped, LOL)!  Yes, I thought of glistening too but it this context above, I was going for more of a 'gleaming smile' and the duality of sun's gleam. I wasn't sure that 'glistening' would trigger both meanings as easily?  Yes, I didn't want to have an ending - perhaps I'll write a part 2 next - I wanted this to be left open but not sure if readers will like that? Thanks for stopping in Lucie! ~Cleo 
······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner |
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May 11 07, 05:49
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#6
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Mosaic Master Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Hi Sylvia!
Thanks - I'm glad you enjoyed the shaping in this one! It was fun to write, although tricky with these indent tags.  QUOTE (Psyche @ May 8 07, 12:15 ) [snapback]95714[/snapback] This is a great one, Lori. I love the way you've weaved the snow slopes, the enjoyment, as well as the accident, into your poem. Wonderful Flash work!! I'll see whether I have any suggestions, to take or toss... :-) On Hope’s Peak, we wend our way through powdered paradise, gleaming smiles in sun’s warmth. I'm not sure about 'gleaming smiles'...sounds toothpasty...sorry!!! Otherwise, excellent beginning. LOL! Never thought of it sounding that way - I'll think on alternatives for beaming smile/sun's warmth. Cutting fresh tracks, we slow the pacedown … just long enough to enjoy Nan’s lunch at her “Heavenly Hut” high in the clouds. Beautiful!!!! Thanks very much! We can almost touch [glow=yellow]His cotton balls[/glow] embracing the might of thisoverhead -- wondrous slope before us. Lori, I'm probably dirty-minded, but doesn't '....touch----His----cotton balls----- sound a bit, well...you know, not quite respectful?! Unless I've completely missed the meaning... LOL! I hadn't seen it until you mentioned it -  Yes, that is too funny - I've made a change to the 'cotton balls' with 'nebulosity'.' Jamie slides to an abrupt stop: ski shop owner Hope lays injured… This surprise event is very well managed. I hadn't expected anything of the sort. Good story woven in, congrats! Thanks again - glad you liked the change there. “Once - a long time ago, friend.” Their eyes say so much more. How true...how poignant. I wend my way through powder’s hell-fire, hoping upon life’s hands I make it back before Hope and timesurrender. The ending leaves me wondering whether you get back in time to save Hope. I suppose the Flash didn't allow more time. All the same, I like poems -and stories- where the reader has to decide, or imagine, various finales. Lovely, touching work, Lori! Good idea to post it in the forum. I shall be watching developments. Hugs, Syl *** Yes, I was thinking of continuing this in a part 2 but wanted to leave the suspense ending - I hope it isn't too disappointing that way? Its like tossing out breadcrumbs but the reader doesn't find the hut....  I look forward to your return!~Cleo
······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner |
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May 11 07, 05:53
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#7
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Mosaic Master Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
QUOTE (JaxMyth @ May 9 07, 23:02 ) [snapback]95811[/snapback] Lori, Enjoyed in the main with a couple of nits. On Hope’s Peak, we wend our way ('wend our way' is a little tired) through powdered paradise, gleaming smiles in (the) sun’s warmth. and I agree with Sylvia on the use of 'ball' boll may be safer and more apposite except at a reading *smile* Regards, Jax Hello Jax.  Thanks for stopping in! *smile*  I was trying a play on 'wind our way' - do you have any other suggestions for that line? Tee hee - After I read both your comments on the clouds I made a change - what do you think of this instead: His nebulosity overhead --Cheers ~Cleo 
······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner |
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May 11 07, 07:21
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#8
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 Creative Chieftain Posts: 544 Joined: 3-May 07 From: Central Florida Member No.: 427 Real Name: Judith Labriola Writer of: Poetry |
I will be waiting for your followup poem...
I have only one nit that has not been covered and it is an easy fix if you choose to do it. On Hope’s Peak, we wend our way through powdered paradise, gleaming smiles in sun’s warmth. Cutting fresh tracks, we slow the pace down … (when I copy and pasted I lost your staging)..anyway, I would lose the word down.. I know you are still going Up the mountain, but this gives the feeling you are on your way down..unless I am just lost in your words....Perhaps you could rearrange your words to be going UP instead of down...(I am confusing myself at this point.) Do you understand what I mean or am I way off..(it is before 10 a.m. and I have only had one cup of coffee, lol. As others say, lose or use. My Best (and hurry up and write the sequel) Judi ······· ······· |
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May 11 07, 17:00
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#9
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Mosaic Master Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
QUOTE (Judi @ May 11 07, 08:21 ) [snapback]95893[/snapback] I will be waiting for your followup poem... I have only one nit that has not been covered and it is an easy fix if you choose to do it. On Hope’s Peak, we wend our way through powdered paradise, gleaming smiles in sun’s warmth. Cutting fresh tracks, we slow the pace down … (when I copy and pasted I lost your staging)..anyway, I would lose the word down.. I know you are still going Up the mountain, but this gives the feeling you are on your way down..unless I am just lost in your words....Perhaps you could rearrange your words to be going UP instead of down...(I am confusing myself at this point.) Do you understand what I mean or am I way off..(it is before 10 a.m. and I have only had one cup of coffee, lol. As others say, lose or use. My Best (and hurry up and write the sequel) Judi Hello Judi. Actually, the poem starts with the skiers going down since they are at/on 'the peak'. Perhaps 'cascading' could be tossed in here somewhere? I'll think on this a bit - thanks for stopping in! I'm sooooooooo behind with commentary on all the new posts, I'm not sure when the sequel will come to me - LOL! It's all about time management.  Cheers ~Cleo 
······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner |
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May 12 07, 18:24
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#10
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 Ornate Oracle Posts: 3,822 Joined: 3-August 03 From: Florida Member No.: 10 Real Name: Elizabeth Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori Kanter |
Hi Lori,
I know the other night I posted a critique to this and I am dumbfounded as to what happened to it. I know I did, because I couldn't make the formatting the same and winked at you that you might help on that. Anyway, perhaps when I hit post, it didn't and I didn't realize it. So here goes my thoughts again, I hope this one is better than it was... :) Maybe the universe thought I could do better and deleted it so I would have a clearer mind! QUOTE Hope's Slope I like this title. Fresh, interesting to get the reader curious. It brought to mind 'Hope Floats" the movie and I entered wondering if it was a twist on the movie... QUOTE On Hope’s Peak, we wend our way through powdered paradise, gleaming smiles in sun’s warmth. A nicely formed opening. Nice line breaks and inner rhymes to offer a pleasant tone and a taste of alliteration that compliments the voice. I like the use of 'wend' here ... Only suggestion I would add 'a' between through/powdered in L2. QUOTE Cutting fresh tracks, we slow the pace down … Nice formatting emphasizes the slowing and sort of a lazily step. Nice word working and crafting. QUOTE just long enough to enjoy Nan’s lunch at her “Heavenly Hut” high in the clouds. Some minor weeding here and perhaps something to break up the alliterative force of heavenly hut' either 'Heavenly nut Hut' or Heavenly Lunch Hut ... Example: long enough to enjoy lunch at Nan's "Heavenly Hut" high amid the clouds. ( or actually with the clarity of omitting 'her ...' and placing the possessive noun in a stronger position, I don't think nut is needed. QUOTE We can almost touch His nebulosity overhead -- embracing the might of this wondrous slope before us. Absolutely marvelous. I love the use of nebulosity. QUOTE Lofty, emerald pines shroud the terrain just out of reach, the city beyond -- we realize time’s passing and tepidly Some line break suggestions... L1, break after shroud L2, sort of feels incomplete with 'the city beyond' and it doesn't follow up with from what... I would gather it is beyond the terrain, but the terrain is near enough that it closer than the city, but not near enough to engage. mmm... Perhaps... Lofty, emerald pines shroud the terrain remains out of reach, with the city just beyond -- we realize time’s passing and tepidly QUOTE wave goodbye. Humbly trodden paths of this fantastic forest reveal the way home; we compliment sun’s descent toward dusk. Jamie slides to an abrupt stop: ski shop owner Hope lays injured… “Just - one - slalom… Rescue? Ski Patrol?” her words barely audible, trail off. “Once - a long time ago, friend.” Their eyes say so much more. I wend my way through powder’s hell-fire, hoping upon life’s hands I make it back before Hope and time surrender. I would suggest line break after way ... I wend my way through powder's hell-fire, instead of hoping upon life's hands, maybe leaning upon life's hands hope and time surrender. Love it. Hugs, Liz ... Wonderful creative thinking here... I enjoyed this. ······· ·······Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!
MM Award Winner  |
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Dec 24 08, 07:10
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#11
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Mosaic Master Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Hey Liz,
I can't believe I didn't reply to your critique! I will be back very soon to reply to your properly. My best, ~Lori 
······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner |
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Jan 6 09, 20:17
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#12
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 Babylonian Posts: 126 Joined: 29-December 08 From: Alamosa, Colorado USA Member No.: 742 Real Name: vess quinlan Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:serendipity |
Hello Lori,
I read the poem. Read the suggestions. If you seek change, you won't get it from me. I liked the poem. I was raised a few miles from Aspen Colorado and have never been on skis. Your poem is close enough for me. Vess |
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Jan 8 09, 17:13
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#13
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Mosaic Master Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Thanks so much for your visit, Vess.
I live in Massachusetts and have only skied a handful of times. I like snow-mobiling myself (or sledding as we call it)! Glad to hear you enjoyed this especially from your neck of the woods. Cheers ~Cleo 
······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner |
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