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> Doubtful Directives, For crits & nits!
Psyche
post Sep 29 10, 00:19
Post #1


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Group: Praetorian
Posts: 3,801
Joined: 27-August 04
From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia
Member No.: 78
Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Grace Galton & David Ting



(Just out of the oven. Had to write something to get worse thoughts out of my head..)


Go… slip into your familiar fiefdom sealed to me;
I’ll say adios now –to my feelings not you-
as I release your angel arm,
admitting the unattainable.

Go with your peers through nether
portals of the mind, stranger than witchcraft.
Dark shores bordering lightness!
Maybe I too will traverse their sands,
beyond reason, more cryptic than art
or the poetic word.

My goodbye is irreversible. You’ll not know
me if I, too, plummet into improvident spans.
Today I can only sit by you, disregarding
your prattle, valuing nothing,
yet confident of some sheltering empathy
in the synchronicity of our lives.

Go before I burst out crying for the self
I loved in you; stumble off as if nothing
happened, when everything has happened!
Grope your droll road to baffling echelons
with their odd laws -everything has laws,
even lunacy-
I’ll not browbeat you back
into this world tagged normal.

Set off now!
It’s time to let go…

By Psyche

© Sylvia Evelyn, Buenos Aires, Argentina, 2010.
All rights reserved.


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"There is no life higher than the grasstops
Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind
Pours by like destiny, bending
Everything in one direction."

Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights.



Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

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Alan
post Sep 29 10, 00:40
Post #2


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Posts: 3,446
Joined: 16-October 06
From: UK
Member No.: 298
Real Name: Alan McAlpine Douglas
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori/Eisa/loads of old friends



Dear Sylvia,

Moving.

Can't say too much more as I know none of the circumstances. Alzheimers ? Irretrievably broken down relationship ? And, real in your life, or poetic invention ?

Love
Alan


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Eisa
post Oct 1 10, 13:43
Post #3


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Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori



Oh Syl! - this is so moving!

Well, they call it the long goodbye, don't they? Remembering my mother, I must have said goodbye to her (the real her) years before she died. I understand in part what you are going through, but it was my mother who had dementia, not my spouse!

I have read that your vacation has been cancelled - I hope the accident/illness is not too serious. I'll pm you later.

As for your poem - it reads perfect to me - well chosen words!

Hugs
Snow Snowflake.gif


·······IPB·······

Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

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Psyche
post Oct 28 10, 22:48
Post #4


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Group: Praetorian
Posts: 3,801
Joined: 27-August 04
From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia
Member No.: 78
Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Grace Galton & David Ting




Dear Alan,

I apologise sincerely for not having responded far sooner to your questions. There was a brutal assault on a very close member of my family, which left me/us in a state of shock. I can't imagine how I wrote this poem about a week after the horrible event. I just couldn't sleep & this came out. It has nothing to do with the assaulted person, who was on the brink of death with 8 bullets in his abdomen...He's finally back home but has a long convalescence ahead, a painful one with further surgeries. Only 49 years old, and his two little girls witnessed the shooting...enough!

I felt I owed you an explanation, but it's not forum stuff.

The person in the poem has had senile dementia for about 10 years, due to coronary disease, following 3 major heart surgeries. Since you ask, yes, it's my husband, but I honestly prefer people to make objective critiques however personal the poem might be. After all, the better the piece gets with help in the forums, the better the tribute to the loved one, right?

So if you've not given up on me by now, I would love an honest appraisal from you.
Just go ahead and nit freely.

Love, Syl***





QUOTE (Alan @ Sep 29 10, 08:40 ) *
Dear Sylvia,

Moving.

Can't say too much more as I know none of the circumstances. Alzheimers ? Irretrievably broken down relationship ? And, real in your life, or poetic invention ?

Love
Alan


·······IPB·······

Mis temas favoritos



"There is no life higher than the grasstops
Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind
Pours by like destiny, bending
Everything in one direction."

Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights.



Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
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Psyche
post Oct 28 10, 23:10
Post #5


Ornate Oracle
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Group: Praetorian
Posts: 3,801
Joined: 27-August 04
From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia
Member No.: 78
Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Grace Galton & David Ting



Dear Snow!

I'm finally catching up on my homework, yes!

The long goodbye....wow....I hadn't heard of that phrase for mental illness. It's such a cruel way to grow old, well, there are many cruel ways to go...of course. There are so many contrasts to deal with, sometimes your loved one says amazingly lucid things, or can even make jokes and laugh a lot. Some don't, some do. But they keep revealing that they're aware of many things, especially if they receive TLC.

So the 'real person' appears to cling to one, or maybe one clings to them, especially if they remember you and can still show love...wow...I expect that happened with your Mum?

Do please nit if you wish, I always aim for a better poem with a little help from my friends! I'm glad you find it moving, as Alan did. I aim to touch people's feelings...

I'm now on the postponed hols!! Today a storm blew up after 4 splendid Spring days.
I'd love to move over here....we'll see....hmmm....Don't want to even think of going back to Buenos Aires this coming Tuesday...boohoo.... ;-)

Hugs, Syl***



QUOTE (Eisa @ Oct 1 10, 21:43 ) *
Oh Syl! - this is so moving!

Well, they call it the long goodbye, don't they? Remembering my mother, I must have said goodbye to her (the real her) years before she died. I understand in part what you are going through, but it was my mother who had dementia, not my spouse!

I have read that your vacation has been cancelled - I hope the accident/illness is not too serious. I'll pm you later.

As for your poem - it reads perfect to me - well chosen words!

Hugs
Snow Snowflake.gif



·······IPB·······

Mis temas favoritos



"There is no life higher than the grasstops
Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind
Pours by like destiny, bending
Everything in one direction."

Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights.



Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
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Eisa
post Oct 29 10, 14:47
Post #6


Mosaic Master
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Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori



Hi Syl

It's so good seeing you feel well enough to tackle revision. I cannot see much if anything to nit here ... it is well written. I'll take another look.


Go… slip into your familiar fiefdom sealed to me;
I’ll say adios now –to my feelings not you-
as I release your angel arm,
admitting the unattainable.

Perhaps write adios in italics to show it's spoken.
I'm not sure the dash is needed at the end of that line.


Go with your peers through nether
portals of the mind, stranger than witchcraft.
Dark shores bordering lightness!
Maybe I too will traverse their sands,
beyond reason, more cryptic than art
or the poetic word.

My goodbye is irreversible. You’ll not know
me if I, too, plummet into improvident spans.
Today I can only sit by you, disregarding
your prattle, valuing nothing,
yet confident of some sheltering empathy
in the synchronicity of our lives.

Go before I burst out crying for the self
I loved in you; stumble off as if nothing
happened, when everything has happened!
Grope your droll road to baffling echelons
with their odd laws -everything has laws,
even lunacy-
I’ll not browbeat you back
into this world tagged normal.

As you started the poem off
Go ...
perhaps adding elipses might be an idea to start here too.

'burst out crying' might be considered a bit cliche. Perhaps a metaphor might come across stronger
eg .... howl like a wolf for the self... (perhaps that's over the top! LOL!)



Set off now!
It’s time to let go…

Very poignant end, Syl.

As to the long goodbye, I'd not heard of it either until I found my mother had Alzheimer's and someone mentioned it to me.
I think there was always a part of her old self there hid by a mist at times. Yes. it is an awful disease!

Let's not dwell ... I hope something I've said will help your poem.

Hugs
Snow
Snowflake.gif


·······IPB·······

Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
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Psyche
post Oct 29 10, 23:14
Post #7


Ornate Oracle
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Group: Praetorian
Posts: 3,801
Joined: 27-August 04
From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia
Member No.: 78
Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Grace Galton & David Ting




Hi Eira

Thanks so much for reading me again. I don't know how I'll feel when I return to B.A. There are always so many things to deal with. Inspiration wavers.. At the moment the wind is blowing fiercely, a real windstorm with some rainfall. I'm fairly high up on the side of a hill, and with picture windows it's impressive. In spite of the cold, I went off to Bariloche town and had a long walk along the touristy streets, picked up a warm rainproof beret that covers my ears! Also walked by the choppy lake near the port.

If you have time, do Google Bariloche, you'll be surprised at what a wonderful resort it is, here at the tail end of the world....LOL...It's a winter & summer resort, plenty to do.


QUOTE (Eisa @ Oct 29 10, 22:47 ) *
Hi Syl

It's so good seeing you feel well enough to tackle revision. I cannot see much if anything to nit here ... it is well written. I'll take another look.[/b]<<<Thank you..


Go… slip into your familiar fiefdom sealed to me;
I’ll say adios now –to my feelings not you-
as I release your angel arm,
admitting the unattainable.
[b]
Perhaps write adios in italics to show it's spoken.<<<<<<Yes!

I'm not sure the dash is needed at the end of that line.
<<<<Hmmmm...

Go with your peers through nether
portals of the mind, stranger than witchcraft.
Dark shores bordering lightness!
Maybe I too will traverse their sands,
beyond reason, more cryptic than art
or the poetic word.

My goodbye is irreversible. You’ll not know
me if I, too, plummet into improvident spans.
Today I can only sit by you, disregarding
your prattle, valuing nothing,
yet confident of some sheltering empathy
in the synchronicity of our lives.

Go before I burst out crying for the self
I loved in you; stumble off as if nothing
happened, when everything has happened!
Grope your droll road to baffling echelons
with their odd laws -everything has laws,
even lunacy-
I’ll not browbeat you back
into this world tagged normal.

As you started the poem off
Go ...
perhaps adding elipses might be an idea to start here too.<<<<<OK

'burst out crying' might be considered a bit cliche. Perhaps a metaphor might come across stronger
eg .... howl like a wolf for the self... (perhaps that's over the top! LOL!)[/b]<<<<Yes, perhaps I could use howl, but let me think about the wolf bit!

Set off now!
[b]Very poignant end, Syl
It’s time to let go…<<<<<< Yes....thank you.

BTW, does the title fit? I want to show that everything is a jumble in the poet's mind. Precisely because of what you say below, that 'long goodbye'...

As to the long goodbye, I'd not heard of it either until I found my mother had Alzheimer's and someone mentioned it to me.
I think there was always a part of her old self there hid by a mist at times. Yes. it is an awful disease! <<<<I strongly agree.


Let's not dwell ... I hope something I've said will help your poem.


You've certainly helped me, Snow. Thank you!
Hugs!


Hugs
Snow
Snowflake.gif



·······IPB·······

Mis temas favoritos



"There is no life higher than the grasstops
Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind
Pours by like destiny, bending
Everything in one direction."

Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights.



Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
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Eisa
post Oct 30 10, 17:01
Post #8


Mosaic Master
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Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori



QUOTE (Psyche @ Oct 30 10, 05:14 ) *
Hi Eira

Thanks so much for reading me again. I don't know how I'll feel when I return to B.A. There are always so many things to deal with. Inspiration wavers.. At the moment the wind is blowing fiercely, a real windstorm with some rainfall. I'm fairly high up on the side of a hill, and with picture windows it's impressive. In spite of the cold, I went off to Bariloche town and had a long walk along the touristy streets, picked up a warm rainproof beret that covers my ears! Also walked by the choppy lake near the port.

If you have time, do Google Bariloche, you'll be surprised at what a wonderful resort it is, here at the tail end of the world....LOL...It's a winter & summer resort, plenty to do.



Hi Syl

I know it is always easier to write when you have no pressures. Try & hang in there, when you return to BA. perhpas if you set aside a certain time each day. (easy for me to say, eh?) I have been so happy to see your real self here recently.

Another thought for your poem:

Go before I burst out crying for the self

Another suggestion for this line might be

Go before the damn bursts, releasing all my tears. or similar.

Yes, the title fits, but perhaps not direct enough -- something could have more impact. The Long Goodbye has probably been used before -- but perhaps you could think of something that means the same.

Hugs
Snow Snowflake.gif

I'm off to google Bariloche


·······IPB·······

Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
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Guest_ohsteve_*
post Oct 30 10, 21:56
Post #9





Guest






Sylvia, A very moving piece, I have read it twice and still I cannot find fault with it. I hope that your times of trouble will finally stop now.

You Take care it is really great to see your writing back on the boards,
Hugs
Steve
 
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Psyche
post Nov 11 10, 23:30
Post #10


Ornate Oracle
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Group: Praetorian
Posts: 3,801
Joined: 27-August 04
From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia
Member No.: 78
Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Grace Galton & David Ting




Hi Snow!

Thanks so much for returning with a new suggestion. I'll think about that title, perhaps make it more direct, as you say.

I've no time now, but promise to revise soon! Thanks a lot... minniemouse.gif

Hugs, Syl***
PS: Did you google Bariloche? BTW, Google is trying to perfect a programme for translating poetry properly!! I read the article in The Guardian. It's amusing... I'll try to find it and post at MM.



QUOTE (Eisa @ Oct 31 10, 00:01 ) *
QUOTE (Psyche @ Oct 30 10, 05:14 ) *
Hi Eira

Thanks so much for reading me again. I don't know how I'll feel when I return to B.A. There are always so many things to deal with. Inspiration wavers.. At the moment the wind is blowing fiercely, a real windstorm with some rainfall. I'm fairly high up on the side of a hill, and with picture windows it's impressive. In spite of the cold, I went off to Bariloche town and had a long walk along the touristy streets, picked up a warm rainproof beret that covers my ears! Also walked by the choppy lake near the port.

If you have time, do Google Bariloche, you'll be surprised at what a wonderful resort it is, here at the tail end of the world....LOL...It's a winter & summer resort, plenty to do.



Hi Syl

I know it is always easier to write when you have no pressures. Try & hang in there, when you return to BA. perhpas if you set aside a certain time each day. (easy for me to say, eh?) I have been so happy to see your real self here recently.

Another thought for your poem:

Go before I burst out crying for the self

Another suggestion for this line might be

Go before the damn bursts, releasing all my tears. or similar.

Yes, the title fits, but perhaps not direct enough -- something could have more impact. The Long Goodbye has probably been used before -- but perhaps you could think of something that means the same.

Hugs
Snow Snowflake.gif

I'm off to google Bariloche



·······IPB·······

Mis temas favoritos



"There is no life higher than the grasstops
Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind
Pours by like destiny, bending
Everything in one direction."

Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights.



Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Psyche
post Nov 11 10, 23:36
Post #11


Ornate Oracle
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Group: Praetorian
Posts: 3,801
Joined: 27-August 04
From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia
Member No.: 78
Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Grace Galton & David Ting




Dear Steve,
I'm glad you find this piece moving. No nits??!! LOL.....but OK.

I've been reading about your own health troubles, Steve, and I sincerely hope you'll feel better soon. It's amazing how you keep writing better & better poetry in spite of feeling wobbly. I admire you so much...wow... bowdown.gif

You take care too. I'm trying to get back in the forums, but stuff piles up and makes my Muse glum... ghostface.gif

Hugs, Syl*** cloud9.gif



QUOTE (ohsteve @ Oct 31 10, 04:56 ) *
Sylvia, A very moving piece, I have read it twice and still I cannot find fault with it. I hope that your times of trouble will finally stop now.

You Take care it is really great to see your writing back on the boards,
Hugs
Steve



·······IPB·······

Mis temas favoritos



"There is no life higher than the grasstops
Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind
Pours by like destiny, bending
Everything in one direction."

Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights.



Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
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