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Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews _ ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 _ Moments

Posted by: AMETHYST Sep 17 10, 04:27

***********Revision 1*******************
Moments

I head home
after another chaotic
night of luna-driven
911 calls.
The car sputters -- stalls
on 441 and Winston,
about twenty yards
before my door.

I check the mail, tally bills
and find I'm still thirty cents short.

A long-winded sigh reminds me
of Joe Swanson, who lived
next door,
before he lost his child, his job--his home.

I whisper, "Thank you."

Laundry blocks our kitchen entry;
dirty dishes cover an unkempt counter
and the dog couldn't hold it
through the night.
He snuggles against my chest
demonstrating unconditional love.

The day is done.

I sneak a peek at Lauren,
watch her sleep-
her tiny fingers clenched
about Pooh's ear.

Her gentle breath
rustles loose sheets,
tickles her nose, stirring smiles.

She's a cherub child...

I sit and listen to the silence,
then whisper...

"Thank you Lord, you've blessed my ordinary life
with such extraordinary moments."

*************OPening Draft*******************
Moments

I head home
after another chaotic
night of luna-driven
911 calls.
The car sputters -- stalls
on 441 at Winston Blvd,
a few feet
before my door...

I check the mail, tally bills
and still I'm thirty cents short.
A long-winded sigh ... reminds me
of Joe Swanson, who lived
next door, before he lost his child,
his job ... his home.

I whisper, "Thank you."

Laundry piles block
our kitchen entry; dirty dishes cover
an unkempt counter ...
and the dog couldn't hold it
through the night.
He snuggles
his snout against my chest
demonstrating how unconditional love
ought to be.

The day is done.
I sneak a peek at Lauren,
watch her sleep-
her tiny fingers clenched
about Pooh's ear,
hoping adventures dance in her dreams.
Her gentle breath
rustles loose sheets,
tickles her nose stirring smiles.

She's a cherub child...
I sit and listen to the silence,
then whisper...

"Thank you Lord, you've blessed my ordinary life
with such extraordinary moments."

Posted by: Eisa Sep 17 10, 16:56

Hi Liz - it's good to see you back!

I remember this one - I love it! On reading again, I had a lump in my throat at the end, remembering all the small things that make us 'rich'.

There is nothing I would say definitely needs changing here, but I'll go through each stanza and give my thoughts for you to think on.

Moments

Love the title!

I head home
after another chaotic
night of luna-driven
911 calls.
The car sputters -- stalls
on 441 at Winston Blvd,
a few feet
before my door...

Last line - perhaps
away from my door

'a few feet' is no distance at all - perhaps
a few yards/ twenty yards

I check the mail, tally bills
and still I'm thirty cents short.
A long-winded sigh ... reminds me
of Joe Swanson, who lived
next door, before he lost his child,
his job ... his home.

I whisper, "Thank you."

Laundry piles block
our kitchen entry; dirty dishes cover
an unkempt counter ...
and the dog couldn't hold it
through the night.
He snuggles
his snout against my chest
demonstrating how unconditional love
ought to be.

This stanza possibly needs some trimming, especially the ending. Some suggestions follow:

Laundry blocks our kitchen entry;
dirty dishes cover an unkempt counter ...
and the dog couldn't hold it
through the night.
He snuggles
snout against my chest
demonstrating unconditional love.

The day is done.
I sneak a peek at Lauren,
watch her sleep-
her tiny fingers clenched
about Pooh's ear,
hoping adventures dance in her dreams.
Her gentle breath
rustles loose sheets,
tickles her nose stirring smiles.

L6 - I wonder if
hoping her dreams dance
might convey the same meaning

I think a comma after 'nose' in last line

She's a cherub child...
I sit and listen to the silence,
then whisper...

"Thank you Lord, you've blessed my ordinary life
with such extraordinary moments."

I wonder if this spoken part might look ok in italics instead of speech marks (and the spoken line earlier)

This ending is beautiful, it is so refective - that we all have such extraordinary moments in life.

Any thought offered are just points to think on - not necessarily needed

I really love this one, Liz!

Hugs
Snow

Posted by: AMETHYST Sep 19 10, 23:15

Hi Snow,

This one I think still needs a lot of work. It's funny, it has seen revisions and I put it aside, and after at least 5 years now of settling, I reread it and it nolonger works for me. I think the ending is a little weak, but it was the thought inwhich spun the poem, and the body needs weeding out.

I think your suggestions for the wordiness of S3 is a good start. I also like the change from feet to yards. I will be making some changes now, but again - there is still a lot in this poem that needs improving. So anything that comes to mind I will be open to!

Thank you so much for the kind words and your thoughts are extremely helpful in allowing me to see some direction here.

Big Hugs, Liz

Posted by: Eisa Sep 20 10, 13:03

Hi Liz

I feel your revisions are a good start to polishing this ... and I still think this has a good message. I realise how you feel about this, as I have at least 2 or 3 poems that have been revised many times, yet I'm still not satisfied. I think it might just be a matter of chipping away ... rearranging ... until we are eventually happy.

Here are ideas for consideration for some harsher trimming - see what you think!

Moments

[I head home
after another chaotic
night of luna-driven
911 calls. ]

Is the beginning of St1 really necessary? You could try starting straight in with the second part instead

The car sputters -- stalls
on 441 and Winston,
about twenty yards
before my door.

I like the changes here

I check the mail, tally bills
[and find] -- I'm still thirty cents short.

Delete 'and find' - unnecessary

A long-winded sigh reminds me
of Joe Swanson, who lived
next door,
before he lost his child, his job--his home.

I whisper, "Thank you."

Perhaps a slight rearrangement ~

I sigh –
then remember Jo Swanson,
who lived next door
before he lost his child
his job
his home.

I whisper, Thank you

Laundry blocks our kitchen entry;
dirty dishes cover an unkempt counter
and the dog couldn't hold it
through the night.
He snuggles against my chest
demonstrating unconditional love.

Just a few changes? ~

Laundry spills to block the kitchen entry;
dirty dishes cover an unkempt counter
and the dog couldn’t hold it
through the night. He snuggles
against my chest, demonstrating
unconditional love.

[The day is done.]

This senence might not be necessary

I sneak a peek at Lauren,
watch her sleep-
[her] tiny fingers clenched
about Pooh's ear.

Delete 'her'?

Her gentle breath
rustles loose sheets,
tickles her nose, stirring smiles
... my cherub child.

[She's a cherub child...]

I'd bring the cherub child line up - and perhaps include 'my' to make it more personal

[I sit and listen to the silence,
then whisper...]

Thank you Lord,
you've blessed my ordinary life
with [such] extraordinary moments."

'Listen to the silence' is a bit cliche and 'such' in unnecessary. The last lines could bechanged slightly.

Sitting in silence,/ bathed in silence I whisper,

Thank you Lord,
for blessing my ordinary life
with extraordinary moments.

I hope these thoughts might stir some ideas for revision - take or toss!

Hugs
Snow

Posted by: AMETHYST Sep 20 10, 22:04

Hey Snow,

I am sitting in excitement with the prospect of some of the changes you've suggested. Many truly cut through to my intention and I can see the changes bringing this up toward it's higher potential. I will be making some revisions shortly - and hope to see some real improvements with these thoughts in mind.

You are always there to help me make sense of my poetry! Thank you.

Biggest Hugs, Liz :)