Seasickness, Wizard Award ~ 06 Revision, 30 Nov 06 Options

[Guest_Don_*]

*******Revision 06~~~November 30, 2006 *******
removed last stanza

Seasickness
(version 06)

I stand on the sandy seashore
to see the lonely surf and sigh
a silent wish for one Tall Ship
to sail in stiff winds that comply.

Abruptly, clouds blow out the sun
as rogue wave crest bounds out of sight,
which decks me to the pebbled beach;
and drowns my fancy in fierce fright.

*******Revision 05~~~October 26, 2006 *******
Lines 6 and 12

Seasickness
(version 05)

I stand on the sandy seashore
to see the lonely surf and sigh
a silent wish for one Tall Ship
to sail in stiff winds that comply.

Abruptly, clouds blow out the sun
as rogue wave crest bounds out of sight,
which decks me to the pebbled beach;
and drowns my fancy in fierce fright.

A roving wisdom in this squall
declares a tale of facts clearly
as a boatswain pipes his whistle
to belay a sea dog whimsy.

~~~~~~Revision 04~~~October 10, 2006~~~~~~
Seasickness
(version 04)

I stand on the sandy seashore
to see the lonely surf and sigh
a silent wish for one Tall Ship
to sail in stiff winds that comply.

Abruptly, clouds blow out the sun
when waves rise to outrageous height,
which deck me to the pebbled beach;
and drown my fancy in fierce fright.

A roving wisdom in this squall
declares a tale of facts clearly
as a boatswain pipes his whistle
to belay a foolish whimsy.

~~~~~~Revision 03~~~August 17, 2006~~~~~~
Seasickness
(version 03)

I stand on the sandy seashore
to see the lonely surf and sigh
a silent wish for one Tall Ship
to sail in stiff winds that comply.

Abruptly, clouds blew out the sun
when waves rose to outrageous height,
which decked me to the pebbled beach;
and drowned my fantasy in fright.

I stand on the sandy seashore
to see the lonely surf and sigh
a silent wish for one Tall Ship
to sail in stiff winds that comply.

Abruptly, clouds blow out the sun
as rogue wave crest bounds out of sight,
which decks me to the pebbled beach;
and drowns my fancy in fierce fright.

A roving wisdom in this squall
declares a tale of facts clearly
as a boatswain pipes his whistle
to belay a sea dog whimsy.

~~~~~~Revision 04~~~October 10, 2006~~~~~~
Seasickness
(version 04)

I stand on the sandy seashore
to see the lonely surf and sigh
a silent wish for one Tall Ship
to sail in stiff winds that comply.

Abruptly, clouds blow out the sun
when waves rise to outrageous height,
which deck me to the pebbled beach;
and drown my fancy in fierce fright.

A roving wisdom in this squall
declares a tale of facts clearly
as a boatswain pipes his whistle
to belay a foolish whimsy.

~~~~~~Revision 03~~~August 17, 2006~~~~~~
Seasickness
(version 03)

I stand on the sandy seashore
to see the lonely surf and sigh
a silent wish for one Tall Ship
to sail in stiff winds that comply.

Abruptly, clouds blew out the sun
when waves rose to outrageous height,
which decked me to the pebbled beach;
and drowned my fantasy in fright.

A roving wisdom in this squall
declared a tale of facts clearly;
like a clarion wake-up call
as retort to foolish whimsy.

~~~~~~Revision 01~~~August 13, 2006~~~~~~
Seasickness
(version 01)

I went to the seashore again
to see the lonely surf, to sigh
a silent whim for a Tall Ship
to command and wind to defy.

Then blowing clouds snuffed out the sun,
and wind hatched waves too high to scale.
This frightful sight from deck of sod
did drown my breezy dream to sail.

A wisdom rove upon this gale
in time to cure a fool’s query,
to grant a beyond rainbow wish;
and tell its tale of facts clearly.


I went to the seashore again to see the lonely surf, to sigh a silent whim for a Tall Ship to command and wind to defy. Then blowing clouds snuffed out the sun, and wind hatched waves too high to scale. This frightful sight from deck of sod did drown my breezy dream to sail. A wisdom rove upon this gale in time to cure a fool’s query, to grant a beyond rainbow wish; and tell its tale of facts clearly.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~original~~~~~~~~~~~
Seasickness

I went down again to the sea
to see the lonely surf to sigh
with silent whim for a Tall Ship
to command the wind to defy.

Then I saw clouds blow out the sun,
and waves rise to forbidden height,
which dashed my soul to deck of soil,
to squelch my fantasy with fright.


© 2006, D.E. Holmes
22 July

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Don

This poem very much reminded me of John Masefield's "Sea Fever" here is the link: http://www.blupete.com/Literature/Poetry/M...eldSeaFever.htm

Shame the high waves stopped your fantasy.

I went down again to the sea
to see the lonely surf[,] to sigh
with silent whim for a Tall Ship
to command[,] the wind to defy. ...I had a bit of trouble making sense of some of this because of lack of punctuation and pauses in the middle of lines.

Then I saw clouds blow out the sun,
and waves rise to forbidden height,
which dashed my soul to deck of soil,
to squelch my fantasy with fright. ..I'm not sure to squelch is quite right, perhaps squelching.

Nina

[JLY]

Don,
A nice, smooth quick read. Only one question:

Then I saw clouds blow out the sun

Do clouds really blow out the sun? or should you consider block out the sun?

JLY

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Don,

There is such a lonely feel to this poem. I get the feeling that the MC wants to be at sea but can't.

Seasickness This is usually used when someone is sick from being on a ship and my thought was that someone wanted a ship (although I could be interpreting it wrong.) If I'm not ... would simply 'Seasick' work, maybe with a hyphen 'Sea-sick' to differentiate?

I went down again to the sea
to see the lonely surf[,] to sigh
with silent whim for a Tall Ship
to command the wind to defy. This verse leaves me with a feeling of sadness.

Then I saw clouds blow out the sun,
and waves rise to forbidden height,
which dashed my soul to deck of soil,
{to} squelch[ing] my fantasy with fright. Is this fright of a storm or a ship?You could also use something like: 'and soon my fantasy took flight'...

Just my humble thoughts ... use or lose as you see fit! *smiles*

Cathy

[JustDaniel]

I'm appreciative not only of this poem but of Nina's observations and the citing of a kindred poem I'd never read before [ ... in fact, an author I'd never read before! ]

I also could not get the sense of S1L4 till I saw Nina's punctuation. I'm afraid there is an ambiguity that would make it mean quite the opposite ( and nonsense ? ) without it ? Of course YOU know the meaning, so it's always best to assume that we may not, without a bit of help ?

Personally I like the 'blow out' metaphor! It's a very graphic portrayal of a ferociously cloudy day -- the kind that NJ has experienced in the past few days, in fact... not unlike the one that Eileen and I experienced in Wildwood (by the Sea) yesterday on the way back from Williamsburg, VA. I DO LOVE the Jersey Shore!

Seasickness

I went down again to the sea
to see the lonely surf to sigh
with silent whim for a Tall Ship
to command[...] the wind to defy. [ Methinks your age is showing with this iversion. ]

Then I saw clouds blow out the sun,
and waves rise to forbidden height,
which dashed my soul to deck of soil, [ deck of soil seems a bit of a stretch ? ]
to squelch my fantasy with fright. [ I too don't feel that squelch is quite the word, but I don't have a suggestion at this point; it just leaves a gritty taste in my mouth. Could it be the sand? ]

deLighting to wander onto the beach with you. Care for a game of quoits?

Lightly, Daniel

[ArtesiaMeeks]

Hi Don,

I like this poem and I agree with Daniel...............(Personally I like the 'blow out' metaphor!)

It does kinds leave SAND in one's mouth....good job.

AG

[Guest_Rosemerta_*]

Hi Don,

This has a lovely sing-song style to it that I truly like, yet it seems a little forced in places. I like some of the suggestions already made. I am impressed with how much I read within just two stanzas.

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Don.

A clever twist on your title - I was expecting a poem about the 'feelings' of seasickness. But I take this to mean - missing the sea. I have made a couple of suggestions below to help smooth the meter as you like.

I went down again to the sea
to see the lonely surf to sigh
with silent whim for a Tall Ship
to command the wind to defy.

For S1, I was thinking more of a journey taking place by the narrator – that you would ‘journey’ again to the sea and see the surf. So I offer an alternate:
I journeyed far to greet the sea
an alternate for softer meter in L4:
commanding winds; deftly defy.

Then I saw clouds blow out the sun,
and waves rise to forbidden height,
which dashed my soul to deck of soil,
to squelch my fantasy with fright.

For meter an alternate in L1 & L2:
The clouds I saw blew out the sun
the waves then scaled forbidden height

I can picture this person hitting the sandy deck frightened, LOL!

Thanks Don!
~Cleo

[Guest_Don_*]

Thanks Cleo,

I do thank you for your detailed input as with others. I've yet to find time for satisfactory rework. I am collecting ten to fifteen poems this month to submit to Ohio Arts Council for grant application. We (Edison Writer's Club) do not expect to win a grant, but want Ohio to know how many artists are active in our state. As I want this to be among the collection, action should be soon.

I would like to mention that the exact poem Nina mentioned is right on target. My inspiration was a portion of that specific work.

Stay dry and cool

Don

[AMETHYST]

Hello Don,


This is the prime example of poetry in motion. This has so much going on within it, and yet appears simple, so deep its meanings go...

Seasickness

Strong title, honing in on the core of the poem.

I went down again to the sea
to see the lonely surf to sigh
with silent whim for a Tall Ship
to command the wind to defy.

Such lovely sounds and images. I followed the link that Nina left and see how this reminded her of that poem, althought this is surely a trimmed and beautiful poem.
I loved the sounds you've blended, whim/wind being one of them... nicely spaced to provide aire between them.
Not a nit here..

Then I saw clouds blow out the sun,
and waves rise to forbidden height,
which dashed my soul to deck of soil,
to squelch my fantasy with fright.

LOVE LINE 1.
In L2, perhaps rose
Excellent ending. A fine and unexpected twist...




© 2006, D.E. Holmes
22 July

Beautiful work. Hugs, Liz

[Guest_Don_*]

Revison has been posted in original thread box 13 Aug 06.

Nina
Reading a small published portion of the poem you mention was my inspiration.
The revision corrects punctuation and eliminates the word "squelch" altogether.
Hopefully, the revision does more justice to John Masefield.

Cathy
Those who do not sail for a living tend to romance what can be a terrifying occupation. Fright of the storm at seashore cleans dreams of romantic sail and puts reality into sharp perspective. Since you were the second person to quibble, I removed "squelch." I toyed with the title and settled on what may be misleading physically. The title refers to mental illness of entertaining an illusion that is cured by a gale.

JLY
I agree clouds literally cannot blow out our sun, but perhaps poetically they can.

JustDaniel
You are the third to object to "squelch." which has been dumped by popular demand.
My age seems to show in many words I choose to use. It is difficult to be modern when balding. I didn't think deck of soil was any more stretch than clouds blowing out the sun, but this has been altered for popular taste. I understand parts of the NJ shore have extremely dangerous incoming waves.

Hope the revision is less gritty with sand.

Artesia Meeks
Thanks for your considered comments. I'm sorry to have filtered out the sand-in-mouth as you liked it.

Rosemerta
Always a pleasure to here from you. Hopefully, the only forced line now is with rainbow. I've forced myself to let a revision slip out despite some personal qualms. This is a workshop and my qualms are now in MM hands.

I intentionally attempt very compact expressions. Prose is for selling verbosity.

Cleo_Serapis
The journey is psychological from loosely conceived romance to harsh reality. My meter is quite mixed with constant syllable count per line rather than constant feet per line. I am aware the revision tones down the emotion, say of fright; but somethings tend to be lost with repeated revisions.

Yes, the image of being dashed down by a giant wave didn't come across as I desired. Your picture of hitting the ground from fright is equally satisfactory.

Amethyst
I am glad you approve of the title. A blurb of "Sea Fever" mentioned by Nina was my inspiration. The twist is that life on the sea often converts a Titanic into a tooth pick. To get a significant taste of that terror while safely on shore is a blessing.

To everyone
I certainly appreciate attention each has given to my rough draft. I hope the revision hasn't lost too much impact, especially due to third stanza of explanation. I heartily welcome addition tuning. Last but not least, I thank everyone taking part todate.

Don

[JustDaniel]

Greetings, Don...

I stand along the shore with you, a confirmed landlubber with no wishes to captain a ship, but still dreams of those who have done so... I look out from our sandy perch to view your dream alongside you, longingly:

I went to the seashore again
to see the lonely surf, to sigh
a silent whim for a one Tall Ship
to command and wind to defy.
[ to captain... those stiff winds defy ? ]

[ I think your revised second stanza fixes the objection of others' perspective, though I still like the original, Don. I do wonder about what you're hatching with 'hatched', however. I might have chosen the alliteration of something like '-whipped' but that might be too cliche ? ... and the first line might tie back to the winds by changing the opening thus: ]

Then blowing Unbridled clouds snuffed out the sun,
and wind hatched squalls whipped waves too high to scale.
This frightful sight from deck of sod
[ sodded deck... or maybe :wink: even sodden deck ]
did would drown my breezy whispy dream to sail.

[ I am wondering about 'rove' ? Did you mean 'roved' ? Or are you somehow weaving the nautical meaning of 'reeve' into this? If so, wouldn't it be 'rove into' or 'rove in through' ? ]

A wisdom rove upon this gale
in time to cure a fool’s query,
to grant a wish beyond rainbow wish;
and tell its tale of facts clearly.

[Cleo_Serapis]

Revison has been posted in original thread box 13 Aug 06.

Cleo_Serapis
The journey is psychological from loosely conceived romance to harsh reality. My meter is quite mixed with constant syllable count per line rather than constant feet per line. I am aware the revision tones down the emotion, say of fright; but somethings tend to be lost with repeated revisions.

Yes, the image of being dashed down by a giant wave didn't come across as I desired. Your picture of hitting the ground from fright is equally satisfactory.

To everyone
I certainly appreciate attention each has given to my rough draft. I hope the revision hasn't lost too much impact, especially due to third stanza of explanation. I heartily welcome addition tuning. Last but not least, I thank everyone taking part todate.

Don

Hi Don.

I look forward to reading your revision shortly! I am thrilled to see the 'workshopping' recently as that is our ultimate goal in both form and free verse posts (as well as prose too).
I can imagine a wave plowing one over like a snowplow would snow - the sheer force it produces...

Revisions are only as good as your acceptance of them Don. Just don't lose sight of that my friend - we can foster feedback but ulitmately, it's all in what YOU like...

Cheers
~Cleo

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Don.

I like the addition of that thrid stanza. This is coming together nicely!

Here a few more thoughts for you to ponder..
~Cleo

I went to the sea [traveled to the] shore again
to see the lonely surf, to sigh
a silent whim for a [one] Tall Ship
to command and wind to defy.
Perhaps, 'commanding all but winds: defy.' ?

Then blowing [shifting] clouds snuffed out the sun,
and [while] wind hatched waves too high to scale.
This frightful sight from deck of sod
did drown my breezy dream to sail.

A wisdom rove upon this gale
in time to cure a fool’s query,
to grant a [wish] beyond rainbow wish;
and tell its tale of facts clearly.

[Guest_Don_*]

Thanks everyone.

03 revision posted in original thread box.

Don

[Peterpan]

~~~~~~Revision 03~~~August 17, 2006~~~~~~
Seasickness
(version 03)

I stand on the sandy seashore
to see the lonely surf and sigh
a silent wish for one Tall Ship
to sail in stiff winds that comply.

Abruptly, clouds blew out the sun
when waves rose to outrageous height,
which decked me to the pebbled beach;
and drowned my fantasy in fright.

A roving wisdom in this squall
declared a tale of facts clearly;
like a clarion wake-up call
as retort to foolish whimsy.

~~~~~~Revision 01~~~August 13, 2006~~~~~~
Seasickness
(version 01)

I went to the seashore again
to see the lonely surf, to sigh
a silent whim for a Tall Ship
to command and wind to defy.

Then blowing clouds snuffed out the sun,
and wind hatched waves too high to scale.
This frightful sight from deck of sod
did drown my breezy dream to sail.

A wisdom rove upon this gale
in time to cure a fool’s query,
to grant a beyond rainbow wish;
and tell its tale of facts clearly.


I went to the seashore again to see the lonely surf, to sigh a silent whim for a Tall Ship to command and wind to defy. Then blowing clouds snuffed out the sun, and wind hatched waves too high to scale. This frightful sight from deck of sod did drown my breezy dream to sail. A wisdom rove upon this gale in time to cure a fool’s query, to grant a beyond rainbow wish; and tell its tale of facts clearly.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~original~~~~~~~~~~~
Seasickness

I went down again to the sea
to see the lonely surf to sigh
with silent whim for a Tall Ship
to command the wind to defy.

Then I saw clouds blow out the sun,
and waves rise to forbidden height,
which dashed my soul to deck of soil,
to squelch my fantasy with fright.


© 2006, D.E. Holmes
22 July

Hello Don~

I approve of this Revision. It brings to mind a famous poem by John Masefield - I must go down to the sea. Look it up!

These are excellent lines:

Abruptly, clouds blew out the sun
when waves rose to outrageous height,

good rhythm too.

PP

[Guest_Don_*]

Hi PP,

Yes, John Masefield's "Sea Fever" is my inspiration and first mentioned with a link in this thread by Nina.

Thank you very much for dropping by and having something to say.

Don

[JustDaniel]

Ahoy, Captain Don!

Ship's carpenter has done his thing and now retires to calmer shores, I see, for resting in the wings; one captain/bard stocks ship for more! Well-done, thou architect and engineer, thou barefoot shoobie wading bird, thou listener with tempered ear, thou sculpter shaping every word! To workshop with you honors us who've wandered in to feel the breeze, yet find ourselves upon your bus to travel o'er the briney seas!

I merely offer fleeting notes which you may toss if they don't float:

~~~~~~Revision 03~~~August 17, 2006~~~~~~
Seasickness
(version 03)

I stand on the sandy seashore
to see the lonely surf and sigh
a silent wish for one Tall Ship
to sail in stiff winds that comply.

[ a worthy wish, O Captain Don! Might you best stay in the present tense in the other two stanzas, thus "blow," "rise," "deck," "drown" and "declares" ? ]

Abruptly, clouds blew out the sun
when waves rose to outrageous height,
which decked me to the pebbled beach;
and drowned my fantasy in fright.

A roving wisdom in this squall
declared a tale of facts clearly;
like a clarion wake-up call
as retort to foolish whimsy.

[ maybe ?:

...declares a tale of facts as clear
as any clarion wake-up yawl--
retorts to foolish whim, austere.
or
retorts to foolish whimsy, 'Steer!' ]

I have NO IDEA if that is even NEAR what you're saying, Don. I like what you're going for in the last stanza, but it just feels a bit unsettled to my old ear. I love how you've jostled up the first two stanzas. Super work here!

sLightly wet from the waves, Daniel B)

[Guest_Don_*]

Hi JustDaniel,

I see your point about remaining in present tense. It did not seem right to remain current, but as you put it, it does. The changing tense as I did does bother my sensibility. Hmmm, I am almost startled that the last stanza mucks up the mess. If it does not clarify, then it has no purpose. I shall ponder and ponder some more.

Hopefully, others will comment upon the present/past tense issue.

Don

[JustDaniel]

It may be my cloudy eye and damaged ear that muck up a mess, my friend... You've helped me drain quite a number of swampy poems of mine to give them a better footing. I am sorry that I've not returned the favor with this one.

I am much better with muck on a gypsum-board wall covering joints and nail impressions with my trusty set of trowels, preparing for the painter's brush.

Lightly daubin' fer now, Daniel