Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews [Powered by Invision Power Board]

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Dec 11 15, 08:17

An oldie. Looking for feedback. Here's a link to the form's background https://forums.mosaicmusings.net/index.php?showtopic=3073

Nature's King

The firs rise
touching star-twinkled skies
standing vigil o'er evening's glow

wrapped in sparkling charms of glitter gold, ashen snow
embraces kisses of crimson berries below

where silver cherubs rejoice and sing
...symbols of joy to bring
Nature's King.

Copyright © Lorraine M Kanter
All rights reserved as an unpublished work

Posted by: Luce Dec 11 15, 21:08

Cool one Cleo. Fitting for the holiday. Must try out this form.

Nature's King

The firs rise
touching star-twinkled skies
standing vigil o'er evening's glow

L2 – Maybe star-sprinkled skies instead.
L3 – Maybe evening’s “show” instead.

wrapped in sparkling charms of glitter gold, ashen snow
embraces kisses of crimson berries below

L4 – Maybe another way to describe the gold and snow. Like:

“draped in braided charms of glitter gold, sparkling snow”

where silver cherubs rejoice and sing
...symbols of joy to bring
Nature's King.

L6 – Maybe use a bird of the forest rather than a cherub in keeping with the nature theme.

“where Winter Wrens in joyous voice sing

L7 - - I’d use another symbol like peace or hope. And make it singular

…”symbol of hope to bring”

Posted by: AMETHYST Dec 12 15, 21:33

Oh Lori, this is beautiful. I do believe I remember it although if I do, the memories are fragmented. So I am going to look at this fresh and new.

First I support most of Luce's suggestions, especially in L2, to change twinkled to sprinkled. Sprinkled seems to flow off the tongue and sounds pleasing. However, I liked ashen snow if the main purposes was to show contrast to the beauty, otherwise perhaps sometimes snow is seen as silvery - either silver snow or satin snow...

I love the poem, and of course you know I have always loved the form, since the day you created it! LOL

I wish I had better suggestions, but slow and steady ....

Hugs,Liz

Posted by: Psyche Dec 13 15, 00:23

Hi Lori!

Great to see you posting again. I peeked at the link that led me to the creation of this form, but got totally lost after reading other people's suggestions (I mean the old ones).

So, same as Liz, I'll make believe you created it now. That makes two new forms created by you, or more? I always have in mind your Swap Quatrains. Congrats are in order!!!

I also agree with most of Luce's suggestions. I'll return for another read, as your lovely poem merits several visits.

Tonight I've been apologizing to all for not revising my sonnet. Everybody has been so encouraging and helpful.

Hugs, Syl***

Posted by: Eisa Dec 13 15, 18:09

Wow! Lori ,you are great at inventing these forms. This is great!

I cannot add any more in the way of suggestions - Luce has said it all.

I'll be back to read again, when time allows.

Well done, Lori - please post some more. I've missed you!

Snow

I hope you'll enter this in the Xmas Contest

Posted by: JustDaniel Dec 15 15, 08:55

Hey, Lori...

Nice to see this one again. Isn't it your example piece down in Karnak for the form? if so, and you revise it, I guess you'll have to go back and revise it there too?

Just a few quickie thoughts:

QUOTE (Cleo_Serapis @ Dec 11 15, 08:17 )

Nature's King

The firs rise
touching star-twinkled skies
to add to others' suggestions, maybe "sequined" ?
standing vigil o'er evening's glow

wrapped in sparkling charms of glitter gold, ashen snow
I'm not sure "ashen" is the right word. To me it connotes "grey" ?
embraces kisses of crimson berries below

where silver cherubs rejoice and sing
How about "silver-winged doves" ?
...symbols of joy to bring
... and replace "joy" with "peace" ?
Nature's King.

deLighting in the journey, Daniel

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Dec 17 15, 19:56

Hello Luce and thanks for visiting my thread!

QUOTE (Luce @ Dec 11 15, 21:08 )

Cool one Cleo. Fitting for the holiday. Must try out this form.
Yes, I DO hope you'll try this form out - it's best to center align it as well when you create yours.

Nature's King

The firs rise
touching star-twinkled skies
standing vigil o'er evening's glow

L2 – Maybe star-sprinkled skies instead.
L3 – Maybe evening’s “show” instead.
Oh, I hadn't thought of that - star-sprinkled skies - I may just change that after I've considered all suggestions. The stars, snow, nature in general could definitely be viewed as a 'show' instead of for the moon's glow (which is what I was thinking at the time when I wrote this centuries ago, lol). Another option could be "Twilight's glow"?
SO, we could have from the original:standing vigil o'er evening's glow

standing vigil o'er evening's show
standing vigil o'er Twilight's glow
standing vigil o'er Twilight's show

Good ideas to ponder -- TY! :bulb:

wrapped in sparkling charms of glitter gold, ashen snow
embraces kisses of crimson berries below

L4 – Maybe another way to describe the gold and snow. Like:
“draped in braided charms of glitter gold, sparkling snow”
I do like the substitution of 'draped' for 'wrapped'.

I'm not certain if 'braided charms' is what I am trying to convey ~ but it could be 'tinseled charms. Ashen snow was meant to be a contrast - but yes, when snow is falling so fresh, and at twilight, it does have that sparkle to it - so I will certainly think on this change too.

where silver cherubs rejoice and sing
...symbols of joy to bring
Nature's King.

L6 – Maybe use a bird of the forest rather than a cherub in keeping with the nature theme.
“where Winter Wrens in joyous voice sing
Hmmm -winter wrens is neat - nice alliteration too. Or perhaps doves, as I always envision them as a symbol of peace? I'll need to think on an alliterative for the D if I go that way. I'd need a tweak on the 'in joyous voice sing' part for metrical consistency (maybe sub 'voice' for choir?)

L7 - - I’d use another symbol like peace or hope. And make it singular
…”symbol of hope to bring”
Yes, I see what you mean there, especially if I change L6 and include 'joyous' there.

Thanks so much for your insightful critique!
~Cleo

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Dec 17 15, 20:05

Hi Liz!

Thanks so much - this is a very old one that i was never really satisfied with - especially L4 and L6.

Yes, sprinkled is more alliterative and I'll make that change when I revise. touching star-sprinkled skies
Also, 'satin snow' may work, not sure - but ashen will most likely disappear.

Thanks for stopping in - this is GREAT to receive feedback!
Merry Christmas to you and your family Liz!

Hugs,
~Cleo

QUOTE (AMETHYST @ Dec 12 15, 21:33 )

Oh Lori, this is beautiful. I do believe I remember it although if I do, the memories are fragmented. So I am going to look at this fresh and new.

First I support most of Luce's suggestions, especially in L2, to change twinkled to sprinkled. Sprinkled seems to flow off the tongue and sounds pleasing. However, I liked ashen snow if the main purposes was to show contrast to the beauty, otherwise perhaps sometimes snow is seen as silvery - either silver snow or satin snow...

I love the poem, and of course you know I have always loved the form, since the day you created it! LOL

I wish I had better suggestions, but slow and steady ....

Hugs,Liz

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Dec 17 15, 20:11

Hi there Syl!

Thank you! It is good to revisit old poems and see how to re-imagine them, lol!
There is a third form I created shortly after this one - very similar called Quatre-par-Huit (or four by eight) that have 4/8/12/16/16/12/8/4 as well.
I will also go and visit your sonnet, tomorrow hopefully and I owe some crits for many others. I've been so busy in the job hunt so pre-occupied there.

Thanks again and Merry Christmas!
~Cleo

QUOTE (Psyche @ Dec 13 15, 00:23 )

Hi Lori!

Great to see you posting again. I peeked at the link that led me to the creation of this form, but got totally lost after reading other people's suggestions (I mean the old ones).

So, same as Liz, I'll make believe you created it now. That makes two new forms created by you, or more? I always have in mind your Swap Quatrains. Congrats are in order!!!

I also agree with most of Luce's suggestions. I'll return for another read, as your lovely poem merits several visits.

Tonight I've been apologizing to all for not revising my sonnet. Everybody has been so encouraging and helpful.

Hugs, Syl***

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Dec 17 15, 20:15

Hi Snow,

Awe, thanks. I have always wanted to revise this and I am happy to be receiving such thoughtful feedback.
I have missed posting - my muse is still shy after so long, but interacting should help.

I am not sure I will enter the contest - do you have anything to enter? It is ending on Sunday - I will send a reminder again tomorrow or Saturday morning.

Cheers,
~Cleo

QUOTE (Eisa @ Dec 13 15, 18:09 )

Wow! Lori ,you are great at inventing these forms. This is great!

I cannot add any more in the way of suggestions - Luce has said it all.

I'll be back to read again, when time allows.

Well done, Lori - please post some more. I've missed you!

Snow

I hope you'll enter this in the Xmas Contest

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Dec 17 15, 20:17

Hi Daniel,

Yes, this IS the sample one, the first one I wrote for this form - I will edit it later, but may just keep the original too in that initial posting.

I will definitely consider your ideas too as I draft out the revision.
Thanks so much and Merry Christmas!

~Cleo

QUOTE (JustDaniel @ Dec 15 15, 08:55 )

Hey, Lori...

Nice to see this one again. Isn't it your example piece down in Karnak for the form? if so, and you revise it, I guess you'll have to go back and revise it there too?

Just a few quickie thoughts: