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> Skyline View [revised 29 Mar 2009], a haiku
ace
post Mar 18 09, 17:02
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White clouds stripe the sky
as a jet skis beneath them,
schussin snow swept peaks.



ace

Original third line:
heading o'er mountains
 
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Arnfinn
post Mar 19 09, 01:22
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G'day Ace,

Haiku, the poet writes about a moment that defines some emotion, and the poem pulls the reader into that moment.

Quote: Lonnie Hull Dupont.


Well, your poem certainly does that


White clouds stripe the sky
as a jet skies beneath them,
heading o'er mountains.



A vivid picture.

Excellent.


John


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ace
post Mar 21 09, 14:46
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Thank you, John. They are fun to write aren't they.
This one was sorta double fun since it was composed in my backyard while sky watching.

ace
 
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Cleo_Serapis
post Mar 21 09, 17:40
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Hi Ace,

Isn't it fun to watch nature? I love it myself! lovie.gif


I can't say that I understand Haiku enough to be useful, however, I thought I'd toss out an idea to add that 'nature' element I believe it needs:

dusting (or painting) snow-capped hills.

Or something along those lines (or for Spring maybe something about peeping blossoms)?

Enjoyed!
~Cleo sun.gif airplane.gif


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ace
post Mar 27 09, 17:05
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Cleo:

Thank you for the read and the comment. I agree the third line isn't th best. I'm thinking of making it "shussing snow-capped hills."

ace
 
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Arnfinn
post Mar 28 09, 04:53
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Hi Ace,


Nah, I don't think 'shussing' sounds right.

I'll have to give it some thought.





John


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Arnfinn

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Cleo_Serapis
post Mar 28 09, 09:07
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Hi Ace,

Not sure about 'shushing' - how about 'skimming' snow-capped hills?

~Cleo


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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind.

"I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

"Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.

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ace
post Mar 29 09, 14:44
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John and Cleo:

You know what? I think I'll take a new course in spelling and typing before writing more stuff.
I meant the third line to read:

"Schussin snow swept peaks."

I wanted to tie into the ski image, so the German word "schussin" seems appropriate and alliterative. Cleo I suppose this lies somewhere between a haikuand a senyru.

Thanks again to both of you for your help.

ace
 
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Cleo_Serapis
post Mar 29 09, 17:22
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Very nice Ace! claps.gif

I think it is a haiku since you make reference now to "winter" with snow.

Lovely!
~Cleo Snowman.gif


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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind.

"I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

"Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.

MM Award Winner
 
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Psyche
post Apr 5 09, 23:16
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Hi ace,

This is indeed a lovely Haiku. But I confess to not knowing what you mean by 'Schussin'. Or have I missed something?

Syl***


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"There is no life higher than the grasstops
Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind
Pours by like destiny, bending
Everything in one direction."

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Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

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ace
post Apr 14 09, 14:49
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Syl:

Have to admit my ignorance...don't know how much skiing you have in Argentina. Anyway. the word "schussin'" comes from the German word : "to shoot" and in skiing here it means "shooting down hill on skis." Thanks again for the interest.

ace
 
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Arnfinn
post Apr 21 09, 00:47
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G'day Ross,

Dunno, about in mixing different laguages in haiku.

Haiku's, tend to have a sense of mystery coupled with a purity of language.

For instance you wouldn't find any French words in a Japanese haiku.

It may be an idea to stick to English.

Regards,


John


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Arnfinn

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

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