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> SUMMER'S DAY - Haiku [revised 23 Sep 2008], HAIKU
Arnfinn
post Sep 19 08, 01:53
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Revision 10/03/2009

A much better version. Thank you Leo. minniemouse.gif pinkpanther.gif


White coated aphids
Sucking sap from blithe plum trees.
Hot breeze fans my face.




John


Revision 23/09/2008





Aphids in white coats.

Hot summer's breeze on my cheek.

Blithe trees: sap sucking.




troy.gif




SUMMER'S DAY




Aphids in white jackets.

Hot summer's breeze on my cheek.

Footsteps: tread gently.



John


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Thoth
post Sep 19 08, 06:04
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Hi John,

Apart from the extra syllable in L1, it flows well and sings of deep summer, Thank you.

Wally


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Cleo_Serapis
post Sep 19 08, 08:44
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Hi John, troy.gif

I'm thinking you might want to find a sub for "hot summer's" without actually saying 'summer'. With such a short form to choose, I think each word should be carefully considered. Do you mind if I move this thread to Shogun's Psalms as that is where this should go since it contains less than 7 lines?

You could also include the links to the other two poems you've already posted to let us know this is another stab at the same message/insipration.

As to the extra syll in L1, it's not too big a deal (if you're not a formalist of Haiku) as long as the entire poem does not exceed 17. I'm not certain that the juxtaposition of footsteps in L3 to aphids in L1 is strong enough though? Perhaps a "flutter of footsteps" might link it more or some other characteristic of aphids that would give the last line that 'punch' that the form requires?

Whatcha think?
~Cleo Read.gif


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Arnfinn
post Sep 20 08, 07:13
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Hi Wally,

Extra syllable in line one?


Aphids/ in / white/ jack/ets. ??? 5 ???



John troy.gif


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Arnfinn
post Sep 20 08, 07:19
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Hi, Lori

The first lines Ok, no extra syllable. troy.gif


Sure, Lori.

Shift to the Zen.

Meditation is for the wise. troy.gif



YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Ha. troy.gif

Tanks for the gentle reminder minniemouse.gif pinkpanther.gif

Where will I plonk an 'Air' ? it's only six lines with no rhyme?

Intro. Air To A Summers day. Real xciten, genius, wordometry. minniemouse.gif pinkpanther.gif laugh.gif

John troy.gif lovie.gif irish.gif smile.gif rofl.gif


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Cleo_Serapis
post Sep 20 08, 08:27
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Hi John,

Moved the poem for you. We count Aphids as 2 sylls here, which is why is reads to us as 6 syllables.

It's not so much to change the word 'breeze' to air as it is to change the word 'summer' with something else that would make us imagine it's summer time. You'd have to find a word that would give us the impression of summer that would fit with the 'aphids' theme.

-Lori


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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind.

"I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

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Maggie
post Sep 20 08, 19:01
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Hi John,

Could you say, "Aphids in white coats"? Then it would be five syllables.

You could also use the name of a summer month rather than "summer's." So it could read "Hot August breeze on my cheek."

Peggy


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Arnfinn
post Sep 21 08, 00:52
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Nah, Better explain.

This haiku is written in alphabetical English.

AY BEE CEE DEE EEE FFF GEE etc.

A in Aphids is pure. Though, in the case of Jackets, the E is not: jack-ets.


If you have a spelling dictionary you check the above for yourself.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>


Writing the haiku in As per the Oxford etymological dictionary. The poem would change to.


Ay-fuds in white suits (soots)

hot summers breeze on my cheek

footsteps: tread gently



John


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Arnfinn

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Maggie
post Sep 21 08, 09:03
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Hi John,

My goodness! This sounds quite complex!

Peggy


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Cleo_Serapis
post Sep 21 08, 12:18
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Hey Peggy, the problem is universal : in Australia, August isn't summer - it's winter. LOL.gif

I see that aphids are known for sucking sap from plants. Perhaps that could be used somehow in the closing line John?

Food for thought mate!

~Cleo gardener.gif


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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind.

"I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

"Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.

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Arnfinn
post Sep 22 08, 02:03
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Hi Peg,

Nah, you have to believe in my veracity, in times like this. pinkpanther.gif

The Haiku Summer's Day is written alphamogicly.

Anyone can do it. pinkpanther.gif


Its just that nobody seems to bother. tombstone.gif


John troy.gif


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Arnfinn

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Arnfinn
post Sep 22 08, 02:22
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Hi Lori,


I knew you would agree with the rational behind all this. minniemouse.gif pinkpanther.gif

An aphid by any other name an AY-fud. minniemouse.gif pinkpanther.gif

The last line could read thus: Insects: sap sucking



Aphids in white coats

hot summers breeze on my cheek

Insects: sap sucking.

Hey, minniemouse.gif minniemouse.gif girls. pinkpanther.gif I THINK WE'VE DONE IT! troy.gif



Aphids in white coats

hot summers breeze on my cheek

Insects: sap sucking.



YYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeHa xdmagix.png


John troy.gif


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Arnfinn

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

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Cleo_Serapis
post Sep 22 08, 06:01
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Hi John - getting there with this one. claps.gif

Instead of insects - can you think of a word that's NOT quite so obvious and matches up to that breeze, perhaps a type of fruit tree or vegetable in summer time?

Cleo dragonfly.gif


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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind.

"I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

"Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.

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Arnfinn
post Sep 23 08, 02:13
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pinkpanther.gif

Well there's a lot of plum trees in Japan. minniemouse.gif


Aphids in white coats

hot summers breeze on my cheek

Plum trees: sap sucking.


or

blithe trees: sap sucking blithe (in happy terms) means breezy. pinkpanther.gif

John troy.gif


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Arnfinn

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

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Cleo_Serapis
post Sep 23 08, 05:32
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Hi John, troy.gif

If you're asking me, I prefer : blithe trees: sap sucking as it has alliteration to that 'breeze' from L2.

Don't forget to add that apostrophe in summer's too!

~Cleo dragonfly.gif


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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind.

"I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

"Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.

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Arnfinn
post Sep 23 08, 05:55
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Ok. pinkpanther.gif


Aphids in white coats.

Hot summer's breeze on my cheek.

Blithe trees: sap sucking.



Yeah that might dooo.



John troy.gif


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Arnfinn

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

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Thoth
post Sep 25 08, 11:52
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Hi John,
I like the revision!
Wally


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Arnfinn
post Sep 26 08, 02:02
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I appreciate your comments, Wally. pinkpanther.gif


Mutch better to put in, the homework ,here than at my computer desk.


Thank you my friend. Artist.gif



John troy.gif


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Arnfinn

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Sekhmet
post Mar 7 09, 11:55
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Hello Arnfinn - I like your aphids in white coats - they sound like tiny Medics. However, I am a little worried about the idea of sap sucking blithe trees. Even with a colon, it leaves a rather scary mental image. Might I make a tentative suggestion for your consideration?



White coated aphids
Sucking sap from blithe plum trees.
Hot breeze fans my face.
.

Leo


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Arnfinn
post Mar 7 09, 23:08
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G'day, Leonora.




White coated aphids
Sucking sap from blithe plum trees.
Hot breeze fans my face.

Yes, That is a better perspective.


Thank you.

John


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Arnfinn

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

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