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> With Windmills & Tumble Weeds - 2nd & 3rd Edit, Road Trip (and photo)
Peterpan
post Feb 20 07, 14:39
Post #1


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Attached File  doornkloof_2007__low_res_6.JPG ( 201.27K ) Number of downloads: 15


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With Windmills & Tumble Weeds 3rd Edit, below 2nd Edit 2 variations

The abandoned tractor the only greenery
in a vast sun-bleached field.
Rooted tumble weeds bring a scarlet
flush to drab roadside;
telephone wires the only hint of man.

Wind blows across the plain.

Entranced by rows of mielies,
our wandering minds land
in fields of sunflower heads.
Now and then bush covered hillocks
vary the landscape.

Winds propel the windmill,
silver blades pump
up underground streams,
life is nurtured; colours erupt.

Wind blows across the plain.

Our city opulence forsaken -
smog vaporises revealing
bejewelled sky.

Too rapidly, our tumble weed is snared;
compelling us
back to urban days.

Wind blows across the plain.

Copyright 2007 © Beverleigh Gail Annegarn



With Windmills & Tumble Weeds - 2nd Edit

The abandoned tractor the only greenery
in a vast sun-bleached field.
Rooted tumble weeds bring a scarlet
flush to drab roadside;
telephone wires the only hint of man.

Entranced by rows of mielies,
our wandering minds land
in fields of sunflower heads.
Now and then bush covered hillocks
vary the landscape.

Winds propel the windmill,
silver blades pump
up underground streams,
life is nurtured; colours erupt.

Our city opulence forsaken -
smog vaporises revealing
bejewelled sky.

Too rapidly, our tumble weed is snared;
compelling us
back to urban days.

Copyright 2007 © Beverleigh Gail Annegarn




With Windmills & Tumble Weeds 1st Edit thanks to Snow

Hypnotised by rows of mielies
which draw us to remote places
forcing our minds to glide over sunflower heads.
Not a farmer seen near bush covered hillocks.

An abandoned tractor, the only greenery.
Tumble weeds bring a scarlet
flush to broad, bleak roadside.
Telephone wires - hint of man;
linking the isolated, with distant places.

City opulence forsaken -
smog vaporises revealing
black bejewelled far-off sky.

Elements relied upon, the wind turns wheel,
blades pump underground streams,
life augmented; colours coalesce and erupt.

Too swiftly, our tumble weed is snared;
compelling us to journey
back to our hurried urban days.

Copyright 2007 © Beverleigh Gail Annegarn

Glossary of term:
Mielies - Afrikaans (one of the languages spoken in South Africa) for corn on the cob.







With Windmills & Tumble Weeds

Hypnotised by rows of mielies
leading to out-of-the-way places;
our minds glide over sunflower heads;
flatness, no farmer seen, bush covered hillocks.

Abandoned tractor, the only greenery.
Tumble weeds bring scarlet
flush to bleak roadside.
Telephone wires - hint of man;
linking isolated with distant places.

City opulence forsaken -
smog vaporises revealing
black bejewelled far-off sky.

Elements relied upon, wind blows wheel,
blades pump underground streams,
life augmented; colours coalesce.

Too swiftly, our tumble weed is snared;
forcefully we journey
back to our urban days.

Copyright 2007 © Beverleigh Gail Annegarn

Glossary of term:
Mielies - Afrikaans (one of the languages spoken in South Africa) for corn on the cob.


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Eisa
post Feb 21 07, 18:25
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Hi Bev

This sounds a facinating journey, that you have adeptly described. I find some of the language in this a bit abrupt and the addition of a word here and there would help the flow aong.

Here are my thoughts ~


With Windmills & Tumble Weeds

Hypnotised by rows of mielies
leading to out-of-the-way places;
our minds glide over sunflower heads;
flatness, no farmer seen, bush covered hillocks.

I recognise that hypnotised feeling you get when on a long journey.
I feel an abruptness in the last lines, which could be smoothed out ~

Hypnotised by rows of mielies
leading to out-of-the-way places;
our minds glide over sunflower heads
to flatness, where no farmer’s seen,
on bush covered hillocks.

I think out-of-the-way places, may be a bit cliche


An abandoned tractor is the only greenery.
Tumble weeds bring a scarlet
flush to the bleak roadside.
Telephone wires - hint of man;
linking [isolated] isolation with distant places.

City opulence forsaken -
smog vaporises revealing
black bejewelled far-off sky.

I like the change in this verse – breaking the monotony of the journey.

Elements are relied upon,as wind blows wheel,
blades pump underground streams,
life's augmented with colours coalesce.

[Too] swiftly, our tumble weed is snared;
forcefully we journey back to our urban days.

I hope something here might help -- otherwise 'bin it!' LOL!!

Snow Snowflake.gif


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Peterpan
post Feb 22 07, 02:51
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Hello Snow~

Thank you for joining my journey!

I will take a look.

Did not want it to be too wordy. But, perhaps I went overboard!

Thank you for your suggestions.

PP


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Peterpan
post Feb 23 07, 07:12
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Thank you, Snow, for your thoughts. What do you think of the revision? Do you think I could be a bit more introspective? Not sure. I think this one will take more work but, in the meantime what do you think - perhaps this weekend I will have some quiet time to think about my favorite hobby - (poetry) life has been a bit hectic, and I feel like I have been skating over the surface and not getting deeper into my thoughts and writings.

With appreciation for your time.

PP


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Eisa
post Feb 23 07, 08:54
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Hi Bev

Your revision does read so much smoother. When you work on this over the weekend, I would try to trim back the unnecessary now.
Here are a few thoughts ~

Hypnotised by rows of mielies
[which] drawing us to remote places
[forcing] our minds [to] glide over sunflower heads.
[Not a] No farmer's seen near bush covered hillocks.

Hypnotised by rows of mielies
drawing us to remote places
our minds glide over sunflower heads.
No farmer’s seen near bush covered hillocks.


An abandoned tractor is the only greenery.
Tumble weeds bring [a]scarlet flushes
[flush] to the broad, bleak roadside.
Telephone wires - hint of man;
link[ing the] isolated, with distant places.


An abandoned tractor is the only greenery.
Tumble weeds bring scarlet flushes
to a broad, bleak roadside.
Telephone wires - hint of man,
link isolated, with distant places.


City opulence forsaken -
smog vaporises revealing
black bejewelled far-off sky.

[Elements relied upon,] The wind turns wheels,
blades pump underground streams,
life becomes augmented;
colours [coalesce and] erupt in coalescence

The wind turns wheels,
blades pump underground streams,
life becomes augmented;
colours erupt in coalescence.


Too swiftly, our tumble weed is snared;
compelling us to journey
back to our hurried urban days.


Just a few thoughts -- hope they help in some way. Happy revising! LOL!

Snow Snowflake.gif


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Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

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JustDaniel
post Feb 23 07, 09:10
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I shall return, PP... heading to eye doctor and then to work...

All is a bit blurry at the moment...

but the picture is stunning, and the poem goes well with it...

but my first impression is that your removing some incidental words has made it a bit too choppy, unnatural in its flow... not in its content.

I'll be back when I can for specifics.

deLightin' in your painting, Daniel sun.gif


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Peterpan
post Feb 23 07, 10:38
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Hello Daniel

I'd appreciate your comments. I think I need to delve a bit deeper! As I said above introspect a bit more...I will try and work on it this weekend.

Please return.

PP


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Guest_Nina_*
post Feb 25 07, 01:56
Post #8





Guest






Hi Bev

You paint a fascinating picture of an environment that is totally alien to my experience. Sounds like you had a wonderful time.

A few thoughts, take or leave as you wish.

[add] {delete} comment

Hypnotised by rows of mielies
{which draw} [drawing] us to remote places
{forcing} our minds {to} glide over sunflower heads. <<you need a verb so the sentence makes sense
Not a farmer seen near bush[-] covered hillocks. <<this line doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the verse. Perhaps link it to the telephone wires.

An abandoned tractor, the only greenery.
Tumble weeds bring a scarlet
flush to broad, bleak roadside.
Telephone wires - hint of man;
linking the isolated{, with}[to] distant places.


suggestion for the above two verses:

Hypnotised by rows of mielies
drawing us to remote places,
our minds glide over sunflower heads
past the greenery of an abandoned tractor
to tumble weeds bringing a scarlet
flush to broad, bleak roadsides.

No farmers toil near bush-covered hillocks
but telephone wires hint at Man's presence,
linking the isolated to distant places.


City opulence forsaken -
smog vaporises revealing
black bejewelled {far-off sky}[skies].

Elements {relied upon,] [harnessed:] the wind turns wheel,
blades pump underground streams,
life augmented; colours coalesce and erupt. you could expand on how life is augmented. While I really like - colours coalesce and erupt, I'm not sure how it links into using the elements.

Too swiftly, our tumble weed is snared;
compelling us to journey Is it the tumble weed that makes you return or is it time? How does the tumble weed hint at time passing? Should tumble weed be two words or one?
back to {our} hurried urban days.
 
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azurepoetry
post Feb 26 07, 05:06
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Hello PPan,

A pleasure to be reading your work again. i have not combed over your thread, so if i am redundant, then i apologise. Before i forget, could you give me a pronunciation of the word "mielies", so i can get a complete sense of rhythm of the opening lines?
Oh, i absolutely love the photo; the entire composition was stuning: dark clouds, just off-center windmill, curving road to the left (alluding to the past, imo)---partially framed by the car window.

i love where you take me with this poem and to be quite honest, i feel this poem needs is a little paring, and conversely a little less minimialsim, to move the poem along to the daydream's conclusion. A tone closer to conversation would add to the subject of reverie, imho, as a person recalling it to another...like this poem. :)



With Windmills & Tumble Weeds

Hypnotised by rows of mielies
which draw us to remote places ---don't tell me it's remote, just trust the images to show me.
forcing our minds to glide over sunflower heads, ---(comma)
while not a farmer is seen near bush covered hillocks.

An abandoned tractor, the only greenery, ---a sent. frag. here; so consider a comma
tumble weeds bring a scarlet
flush to the broad, bleak roadside.
Telephone wires -- hint of man -- ---the semi-colon creates a sent. frag. of the rest that follows it.
linking the isolated, with distant places.

City opulence forsaken -
Smog vaporises revealing a black bejewelled far-off sky.---Unless i misunderstand this line, the sky is usually considered far-off. Try these lines as one line. Let it sit by itself, heavy and important; to illustrate as a counterpoint what is being left behind and what the N comes to in the very next stanza.

Elements relied uponHere, the wind turns wheels, ---let "relied upon" be inferred for a stronger image.
blades pump underground streams,
life is less augmented; colours coalesce and erupt. ---this line is confusing to me. What do you mean by "augmented" it almost feels as if life is less augmented by the simpler designs of this place, compared to the city. Perhaps simplier would be simpler? /b]

Too swiftly, our tumble weed is snared, [b]---again, semi-colon turns the rest of the sentence into a frag.

compelling us to return
home
journey
back to our hurried urban days.
---this may be just a matter of taste, but, again, let the inference be in the reader's mind, don't tell them, esp. at the end. Return home offers a duality in the ending. 1. the N( narrator) is returning back to the city at the end of this daydream, and 2. the N occasionally returns to it, when in waking life, her 'tumble weed' is stuck, she'll take a moment to remember this place. Just a thought.

So, below are my suggestions put into action:



Hypnotised by rows of mielies,
our minds glide over sunflower heads,
while not a farmer is seen near bush covered hillocks.

An abandoned tractor, the only greenery,
tumble weeds bring a scarlet flush
to the broad, bleak roadside.
Telephone wires -- a hint of man --
link the isolated with the distant.

Smog vaporises revealing a black bejewelled sky.

Here, the wind turns wheels,
blades pump underground streams,
life is less augmented; colours coalesce and erupt.

Too swiftly, though, our tumble weed is snared,
compelling us to return home.


i hope this has been of help; i know that some of my thoughts may not match your style, but see what you think.
Either way, i like the poem and love the message. Good luck!

~tim/azurepoetry


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Peterpan
post Feb 26 07, 05:35
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Hi azure!

Nice to see you around again.

Mielies is pronounced meelee-s! Hope it sounds right!

I have to admit I was to work on this poem this weekend. It needs me to introspect a bit. I think and I will it is still 'work in progress' and ultimately will come out ok. I am not really happy with it at present and I have had very constructive input from you and from Nina and Snow.

Thank you so much for the detailed crit and I will take a look. (Just busy at work at the moment!) Snatching a few moments to catch you on line!!

Many thanks!!!!!

PP


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Peterpan
post Feb 26 07, 05:37
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QUOTE (Nina @ Feb 25 07, 08:56 ) [snapback]91853[/snapback]
Hi Bev

You paint a fascinating picture of an environment that is totally alien to my experience. Sounds like you had a wonderful time.

A few thoughts, take or leave as you wish.

[add] {delete} comment

Hypnotised by rows of mielies
{which draw} [drawing] us to remote places
{forcing} our minds {to} glide over sunflower heads. <<you need a verb so the sentence makes sense
Not a farmer seen near bush[-] covered hillocks. <<this line doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the verse. Perhaps link it to the telephone wires.

An abandoned tractor, the only greenery.
Tumble weeds bring a scarlet
flush to broad, bleak roadside.
Telephone wires - hint of man;
linking the isolated{, with}[to] distant places.


suggestion for the above two verses:

Hypnotised by rows of mielies
drawing us to remote places,
our minds glide over sunflower heads
past the greenery of an abandoned tractor
to tumble weeds bringing a scarlet
flush to broad, bleak roadsides.

No farmers toil near bush-covered hillocks
but telephone wires hint at Man's presence,
linking the isolated to distant places.


City opulence forsaken -
smog vaporises revealing
black bejewelled {far-off sky}[skies].

Elements {relied upon,] [harnessed:] the wind turns wheel,
blades pump underground streams,
life augmented; colours coalesce and erupt. you could expand on how life is augmented. While I really like - colours coalesce and erupt, I'm not sure how it links into using the elements.

Too swiftly, our tumble weed is snared;
compelling us to journey Is it the tumble weed that makes you return or is it time? How does the tumble weed hint at time passing? Should tumble weed be two words or one?
back to {our} hurried urban days.


Hello Nina~

Thank you so much for all your care and time and crit!

I have been a bit hectic and wanted to work on this on the weekend but, had no poetry time!

I will take a look shortly.

Bev rollerskater.gif


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AMETHYST
post Feb 27 07, 00:29
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Hi Bev,

I think much of what Tim suggested (such as in L2 of S1 works well) This brought me through an experience of travelling with the narrator, the images full and detailed helps to let the reader be able to close their eyes and envision riding down past such sights as 'sunflower heads' ... There were a few rough spots for me and I will leave comments in stanza. However, not too many rough spots and this was a wonderful, amost sleepy-like voice that felt sort of comforting (such as a bedtime story in poetry) ...

Hugs, Liz ...




QUOTE
With Windmills & Tumble Weeds 1st Edit thanks to Snow


Excellent title. This draws me in.

Hypnotised by rows of mielies
which draw us to remote places
forcing our minds to glide over sunflower heads.
Not a farmer seen near bush covered hillocks.

L1 is powerful. Strong with the image working for you. But the following lines feel weak in compareson... Perhaps either omit L2 allowing L2 and the following images through the poem offer the image of remote places or leave it in but I really don't like the way 'forcing' feels in this image, perhaps another alternative word might help and maybe rearranging some thoughts, as an example:

Hypnotised by rows of mielies,
drawn to remote places, inticed-
our minds glide over sunflower heads



An abandoned tractor, the only greenery.
Tumble weeds bring a scarlet
flush to broad, bleak roadside.
Telephone wires - hint of man;
linking the isolated, with distant places.

This felt a little bit like a list of things, and I thought perhaps a little motion, or active phrases can bring them to life for the reader-

Example:

An abandone tractor, starkly green
against a desolate backdrop, as tumble weeds
bring a scarlet flush to a bleak roadside.
Telephone wires, black on grey clouds, hint of man;
linking the isolated with distant places.



City opulence forsaken -
smog vaporises revealing
black bejewelled far-off sky.


I would suggest some slight rearranging here...

A city opulence forsaken - smog
vaporises, revealing a black
bejewelled far-off sky.



Elements relied upon, the wind turns wheel,
blades pump underground streams,
life augmented; colours coalesce and erupt.

This is strong, but a few words added to give body and depth to the already strong images...

Such elements we rely on, as wind turns wheel,
blades pump underground streams,
life augmented; coulours coalesce and erupt.


Too swiftly, our tumble weed is snared;
compelling us to journey
back to our hurried urban days.

I think the ending is very good. I keep tripping on 'back to our hurried urban days' perhaps ...

Too swiftly, our tumble weed is snared (GREAT IMAGE AND MEANING)
compelling us back
to the hustle of urban days.


Copyright 2007 © Beverleigh Gail Annegarn



Hey Bev,

Please use what you might think is within your intentiosn and toss the rest. I enjoyed this very much ... Look forward to any revisions to come.

Best Wishes, Liz


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Arnfinn
post Feb 27 07, 05:42
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(Click on it to enlarge)


G'day Bev,



I thought I'd drop in on ya.



With Windmills & Tumble Weeds 1st Edit thanks to Snow

Hypnotised by rows of mielies <<< Not so keen on 'hypnotised', for 'me' not very poetical, should be something more imagitive and abstract.
(which draw us to remote places
forcing our minds
) <<< replace perhaps "minds drawn to remote places"

to glide over sunflower heads. <<< 'sunflower heads'
Not a farmer seen near bush covered hillocks. <<< ' bush covered hillocks'

An abandoned tractor, the only greenery. <<< A rusting tractor, Perhaps delete, 'the only greenery'
Tumble weeds bring a scarlet <<< good
flush to broad, bleak roadside. <<< good
Telephone wires - hint of man; <<< goood
linking the isolated, with distant places. <<< linking the isolation, with distant places.

City opulence forsaken - <<< good
smog vaporises revealing <<< for me this line a revision? re: 'smog vaporises' What dooo you mean?
black bejewelled far-off sky. <<< Black? is there a double meaning here?

Elements relied upon, the wind turns wheel, <<< delete ' Elements relied upon'. A beautiful start to this stanza, is the simple: 'The wind turns (the) wheel'
blades pump underground streams, <<< good
life augmented; colours coalesce and erupt. <<< good

Too swiftly, our tumble weed is snared; perhaps pluralise? 'Too swiftly, tumble weeds are snared;'
compelling us to journey
back to our hurried urban days.

Copyright 2007 © Beverleigh Gail Annegarn



Hey Bev,

I took my time with your poem.

N' I left ya with a few ideas. lifepreserver.gif

Poetry comes from the inner YOU. I find as a poet, you must be honest with what you feel. Let the tears well up and let it all out. pharoah2.gif

Kind regards,


John


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Peterpan
post Feb 27 07, 05:52
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Hi John~

I agree - re the inner you and I dont think I have got there with this one. I have superb input from you all and will take a long look again.

Many thanks for your time! I will keep you posted!

Bev


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Peterpan
post Feb 27 07, 07:34
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Hello Snow, Tim, John, Liz, Nina & Daniel~

Many thanks for your thoughts and contributions. Here is a 2nd edit. Personally, I feel I need to be more emotional and introspect a more. I have shuffled around the stanzas and I think it may be more successful this way.

Let me know what you think.

Perhaps I could have a bit of repetition somewhere - nothing changes fast in these faraway places - just a thought.

Thank you for reading and giving me ideas.

PP


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azurepoetry
post Mar 2 07, 16:27
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Hey PPan,

i am off to work so i have to skid-daddle, but i've been here a few times, since the revision and i'll try and return tonight, after work to offer my thoughts on the revision.

Cheers!
~tim


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Eisa
post Mar 3 07, 16:37
Post #17


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Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori



Hi Bev

Great last edit -- you'r definitely getting places with this.

These are my initial thoughts on your last edit ~


With Windmills & Tumble Weeds 3rd Edit, below 2nd Edit 2 variations

The abandoned tractor is the only greenery
in a vast sun-bleached field.
Rooted tumble weeds bring a scarlet
flush to drab roadside;
telephone wires are the only hint of man.

Wind blows across the plain.

perhaps describe the winds -- show instead of tell

Entranced by rows of mielies,
our wandering minds land
in fields of sunflower heads.
Now and then bush covered hillocks
vary the landscape.

Entranced by rows of mielies,
our minds wander, landing
in fields of sunflower heads.
[Now and then] bush covered hillocks
vary the landscape.


Vary -- sounds a bit bland


Winds propel the windmill,
silver blades pump
up underground streams,
life is nurtured; colours erupt.

Wind blows across the plain.

Our city opulence forsaken -
smog vaporises revealing
bejewelled sky.

Too rapidly, our tumble weed is snared;
compelling us
back to urban days.

Wind blows across the plain.

I agree with your comments that you need to show some of your emotions in this, instead of telling us about it. We want to feel how you are feeling. Good luck! I will be back.

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azurepoetry
post Mar 4 07, 00:29
Post #18


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Joined: 20-August 06
From: Minneapolis, Minnesota
Member No.: 217
Real Name: Timothy Blighton
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:justdaniel



Hi PPan,

Okay, i'm back. i have more questions than answers...er, i mean suggestions. i offer another couple of stanzas rewritten in timspeak. i apologize about that up front, i feel there needs to be more done to personalize this poem. One thing would be to make this poem a little more conversational in tone.


QUOTE
TheAn abandoned tractor lends its the only greenery
into a vast sun-bleached field;
RootedScarlet tumble weeds bring a scarletpunctuate the roadside ---bring is a weaker verb
flush to drab roadside,
where telephone wires the only hint of human. ---actually, the wires are the only CONSTANT hint of man; the tractor and the windmill are hints of man, abandoned or otherwise. Also, the minimalistic style of this piece, doesn't serve emotions or the flow of the images. The choppy read interrupts me from getting into what's going on. Bring in the prepositions and equivalent verbs and the piece will drive itself. Oh yeah, please change man to human.

Wind blows across the plain. ---while i like the idea of repetition, might i suggest that you consider taking the emphasis of these lines off the sites being seen by the reader and put it back on the dusty road we're travelling down. The road is the one constant in all of this and something that people's view return to time and again, even as passangers. Something like: Winds cropdust the sepia road. Repeat that and no matter what the stanzas (or verses if you will) show, this is the chorus. Sepia because it has a specific brown colour that is associated with photographs (i.e. additional image allusion).

Entranced by rows of mielies, ---you want to tell me your entranced/hypnotised. If you wist to avoid this consider slightly personifying the rows of corn in manner that would draw our attention; i mean something we would 'see' if we were mindlessly fixated on the corn. btw, corn husks and stalks are green, which contradict the opening line. There must be a stronger sense of setting change (ie. more direct comment) letting us know that we are in farming fields. Something to make the transition from S1 smoother, imo.
our wandering minds land
in fields of sunflower heads.
Now and then bush covered hillocks
vary the landscape. ---imho, just show the variance, don't tell us. We'll get it, promise.

Winds propel the windmill, ---nix the wind in this stanza, we already have it in the repeating line. Consider suggesting the windmills cause of movement, without actually saying it. This will help unify the theme of the wind being the one constant throughout with out hitting the reader over the head.
silver blades pump
up underground streams,
life is nurtured; colours erupt.

Wind blows across the plain.

Our city opulence forsaken - ---sorry, still don't like this line. i have to...go right ahead and ignore this. i feel better now.
Smog slowly vaporises ---smog should be capitalized. Consider vaporises the end of the line, because it's such a strong word.
revealing a bejewelled nightsky. ---bejeweled, i assume, is a starry sky. imo, i would like to see the night bejewelled, not the sky. The night settles down over the travellers and yields a closeness to them that sky implies a distance.


Too rapidly, our tumble weed is snared;
compelling us
back to urban days.
---snared doesn't work, i should have caught this sooner---the tumble weeds are already rooted according to S1/L3. This stanza feels a little tacked on. i can't get enough emotion or reference points to understand why were yanked back. Perhaps this is the right distance, but i don't get a sense of pleasure or release, or more importantly, what caused our return.

Wind blows across the plain.


Okay, here's an example of the first four stanzas in timspeak, just to illustrate my points:


An abandoned tractor lends its greenery
to a vast, sunbleached savannah; scarlet tumble weeds,
roam and punctuate the roadside,
where telephone lines
are the only constant hint of humanity.

Winds cropdust the faded sepia road.

Rows of mielies
welcome us alongside our car,
at attention, in single files,
as billowy dust runs playfully in-between them.

Winds cropdust the faded sepia road.

etc.....


i don't know geography well enought to know if the image you have posted is actually savannah, but i went with it for flavour.
Describing the corn and personifying them means the travellers are investing time to see them as something else, and the mentioning of rows indicates there are plenty of them to allow this to go on. The use of commas slows down the reader and attempts to get the reader to linger in these images in this stanza. The dust returns, but really its the wind moving through the corn, yet i don't want that to be told directly, just shown. Thus each stanza (including taking liberties with the roaming tumble weeds) indicates motion of the wind as the next stanza with sunflowers could, or the one after with the moving windmill. Grant it, i'm not crazy about my offering of the repeating line, but just an idea. My main point is to bring attention away from the road, so that the next stanza shifts us back to the fields.

Good luck, i'll be keeping an occasional eye on this,
~tim/azurepoetry


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"What ceremony of words can patch the havoc?" ~ Sylvia Plath

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Peterpan
post Mar 6 07, 07:22
Post #19


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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 1,621
Joined: 18-August 05
From: Johannesburg, South Africa
Member No.: 127
Real Name: Beverleigh Gail Annegarn
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Jox



Hi Tim~

Been away - on another trip to the wild bush in the Lowveld near Kruger National Park. Thank you for all your thought and attention. I will take a close look and revise.

PP


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May the angels guide your light.

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