A Spirit's Walk ~ revised Nov 6th, Wizard Award ~ Swap Quatrain Options

[Cleo_Serapis]

*Graphic provided by
Celtic Castle Designs

A Spirit’s Walk

I walked upon a dim-lit stair
to view the portraits hanging there
and sought a legend, urban spawned,
a dim-lit stair I walked upon.

The photos held their tales in tints
that trust in conjured horrid hints;
upon the wall of people felled...
their tales in tints, the photos held.

A blood red moon appeared again;
the staircase came to life with men
imparting spells of those revered:
again a blood red moon appeared.

Descendants stirred within their frame
their words I heard, they did proclaim
each war has ceased, long life conferred
within their frame, descendants stirred.

A Knight renowned with victor’s pride,
a reproduction hangs astride
a band of men, a sight profound
with victors pride, a knight renowned.

A soldier stands with musket drawn,
his pose reminds of times foregone
a slave to civil war commands…
with musket drawn, a soldier stands.

Of racist clans, Aunt Joan’s protest
revealed our faith - solemn arrest
established by embracing hands;
Aunt Joan’s protest of racist clans.

From MIT, our college grad
enlists then fights a Gulf gone mad.
Objective: cut down tyranny…
our college grad - from MIT.

A wedding clan bejeweled in gold
resembled me in days of old
divulging how my life began
bejeweled in gold; a wedding clan.

I often talk with bygone ken
who hang upon the wall and when
I yearn to meet the spirit’s walk
with bygone ken, I often talk.

© Lorraine M Kanter 23 October 2005

Challenge topic: The Talking Photograph
verb and preposition word phrase: trust in

Edits:
1. 'snapshots' to 'portraits'
2. a people felled to 'of people felled'

3. entire stanza change from:
A blood red moon appeared and then
the staircase soon was swarmed by wren
who cast a spell on those revered
and then a blood red moon appeared.
to
A blood red moon appeared again;
the staircase came alive with men
imparting spells of those revered:
again a blood red moon appeared.

4. commemorates memoirs now told
to
resembled me in days of old


Round two edits (Nov 06 2005):

1. Changed 'beastly hints' to 'horrid hints'
2. changed 'came alive' to 'came to life'
3. changed 'the war is done' to 'each war has ceased'
4. Added two new stanzas - #7 and 8.
5. changed 'olden ken' to 'bygone ken'.



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[JLY]

Lori,
This was like an historical journey of sorts. Your use of the stairway and pictures on the wall give it a moving/traveling type of feeling.

Loved the phrase: tales in tints, very descriptive.

I am wondering if the following can also be written in the following manner:

long life conferred

suggestion:  life's lasting conferred

JLY

[Guest_Don_*]

Hi Lori,

A very pleasant lilt to your stairway walk.

I liked the tension of "musket drawn" like it were a sword.

It is probably required by form, but stanza three sounds wierd with the same moon appearing twice.

I like the family history of photos and pictures closely related to the stairway upward climb.

Don

[Eisa]

Hey Lori -- this is a very clever form. When I get my muse back I must try it.  

I love the way the 1st & 4th lines reverse. I think you have done an excelllent job here.

I also love 'tales in tints' -- a lovely description.


Snow  :cheer:

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Lori

I enjoyed this very well written swap quatrain which took the reader on a trip viewing the narrator's ancestors in their photographs.  My only question is with verse three.

A blood red moon appeared and then
the staircase soon was swarmed by wren
who cast a spell on those revered
and then a blood red moon appeared.

what did you mean by wren?  The only wren I know are birds and that doesn't work for me.

Thanks for a trip into  your family photo album.

Nina

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Lori,

I've never tried this form but I like it.  The repetition gives it a
pleasant flow and ties things together so well!  For some reason
I get that old world feel when reading this, maybe because you
are going back in time with memories?

One suggestion:

A blood red moon appeared and then
the staircase soon was swarmed by wren
who cast a spell on those revered
and then a blood red moon appeared.

Could line 2 read ...

"the staircase soon beswarmed by wren"?

I don't know if that is a word or not but I kept wanting to read it
that way.  lol  Just a thought!

Anyhoo, I enjoyed reading this!

Cathy

[Cybele]

Hi Lori,

Swap quatrain has a definte sing-song lilt to it doesn't it? I have a couple of queries for you.

I walked upon a dim-lit stair
to view the snapshots hanging there
and sought a legend, urban spawned,
a dim-lit stair I walked upon.

L3 confuses me a little as I couldn't quite work out if you have found the particular legend you were seeking?

The photos held their tales in tints
that trust in conjured beastly hints;
upon the wall, a people felled
their tales in tints, the photos held.

Must be me Lori, but I can't follow the logic of line two here?  :dunce:

A blood red moon appeared and then
the staircase soon was swarmed by wren
who cast a spell on those revered
and then a blood red moon appeared.

wren?  :detective:

Descendants stirred within their frame
their words I heard, they did proclaim
the war is done, long life conferred
within their frame, descendants stirred.

Line three states 'the war is done' yet all these pictures are snapshots of different wars (muskets in one stanza, knights in another)  I don't understand the next stanza talking about a knight since there was no photography in days of old when when Knights were bold.

A Knight renowned with victor’s pride,
a reproduction hangs astride
a band of men, a sight profound
with victors pride, a knight renowned.

A soldier stands with musket drawn,
his pose reminds of times foregone
a slave to civil war commands…
with musket drawn, a soldier stands.

This picture is very clear in my mind, very vivid Lori.  :pharoah2


A wedding clan bejeweled in gold
commemorates memoirs now told
divulging how my life began
bejeweled in gold, a wedding clan.

Rich ancestors eh Lori?  :lol:

I often talk with olden ken
who hang upon the wall and when
I yearn to meet the spirit’s walk
with olden ken, I often talk.


I have all my photos collaged and framed on the stairs and always spend time looking at them all when going up or coming down. It is much nicer that having them hidden away in some forgotten old album!

Thank you for the very interesting read Lori. Swap quatrain requires discipline which you handle so well.  :tut:

[jgdittier]

DEar Lori,
It seems to me the only way to understand the consequences (impositions) that a swap quatrian places upon its writer, the commentor should write or try to write one.
I believe a well written SQ places greater restrictions than the sonnet or the similar rondeau.
I have great respect for both this form and this particular poem and the only word I would question is "wren". Neither female English sailors nor troglodytic birds lend meaning, so I'd consider deleting the whole quatrain.
This is a most impressive SQ as its length proves your dedication and your ability to stay on message.
Worthy in every way!
Cheers,   Ron   jgd

[Guest_Maxim_*]

Hi Lori

This is an excellent poem in what looks a disciplined and difficult form. I love the strong imagery and the evocative mood you have created drawing the reader into the scene and then the past through the pictures. I had a couple of queries but they have already been raised so I thought I would try to offer a few suggestions about them.


I walked upon a dim-lit stair
to view the snapshots pictures hanging there (this will allow for photos and paintings)
and sought a legend, urban spawned,
a dim-lit stair I walked upon.

TheSome photos held their tales in tints (to show the range of dates?)
that trust in conjured beastly hints;
upon the wall, a people felled
their tales in tints, thesome photos held.

A blood red moon appeared and when then (if this works it may deal with the moon appearing twice?)
the staircase soon was swarmed by wren men (the subject imagining men stepping from the pictures? Although I thought you were using wren as symbolic dark thoughts I was not sure?)
who cast a spell on those revered
and when then a blood red moon appeared.

The remainder comes across very clearly and it is all excellently written. It seems that you have written this from experience and as you may have a very specific view in mind I realise that my suggestions may not fit - in which case please ignore them.

Thanks for an excellent read.

MAXiM

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi all.

Thanks so very much for all your comments on my poem.

I'll be back soon to reply to each of you, got lots of catch up still but making progress.

Stay tuned please and thanks again!
~Cleo

[AMETHYST]

Hi Lori,


This form is wonderfully fitting. It allows the poet to take strong and prodominent images, enhancing their meaning into the stanza. I loved the title. The idea of a 'Spirit's walk' is quite intriquing and brings to mind a slew of dramatic and intense ideas.

Some further thougths to go...

Hugs Liz

Their Words: A Spirit’s Walk

I walked upon a dim-lit stair
to view the snapshots hanging there
and sought a legend, urban spawned,
a dim-lit stair I walked upon.

Beautiful use of the form. The loveiliness of the introductory stanza, captures the readers interest immediately. Maybe portraits hanging there?

The photos held their tales in tints
that trust in conjured beastly hints;
upon the wall, a people felled
their tales in tints, the photos held.

L3, 'a people felled' felt weak compared to the clarity of the surrounding lines. I understand that the meaning to be; these are pictures of people who have already passed away. Perhaps of people felled.  

A blood red moon appeared and then
the staircase soon was swarmed by wren
who cast a spell on those revered
and then a blood red moon appeared.

Nicely done. The choice of words brings the movement and dramatic tone to life.

Descendants stirred within their frame
their words I heard, they did proclaim
the war is done, long life conferred
within their frame, descendants stirred.

Again, excellent work. This stanza vividly shows the paintings coming to life. Each words has purpose. The rhthym is smooth and rhymes fresh. Good crafting.

A Knight renowned with victor’s pride,
a reproduction hangs astride
a band of men, a sight profound
with victors pride, a knight renowned.

Bravo for the choice word "victor' a rare used word, I applaud you for finding such words that fit the meaning perfectly and are fresh, new and different that the old worn out ones. :)

A soldier stands with musket drawn,
his pose reminds of times foregone
a slave to civil war commands…
with musket drawn, a soldier stands.

Cheers! This is wonderful... absolutely wonderful. This stanza brings with it a full story of history, in such little amount of words. This is my favorite stanza.

A wedding clan bejeweled in gold
commemorates memoirs now told
divulging how my life began
bejeweled in gold, a wedding clan.

This I felt was the weakest. Many of the words I felt were for meter purposes and rhyme. The photo, I thought might be able to offer something more personal for the reader to relate to this wedding picture. L3, touches on this somewhat. Perhaps-

A wedding clan bejeweled in gold
resembled me in the days of old
divulging how my life began
bejeweled in gold; a wedding clan.


I often talk with olden ken
who hang upon the wall and when
I yearn to meet the spirit’s walk
with olden ken, I often talk.

I am not sure who or what olden ken is, I see that the word 'ken' means view or sight or a familiar person--perhaps that is what you mean. In L2, perhaps 'who hangs upon the wall..."

Wonderful poem, Lori...lots of work and excellent crafting.

Hugs, Liz

[Cleo_Serapis]

Thanks so much Liz!

I'll be back :termie: with a proper reply to you as well very soon.

I've taken some of your suggestions and made the first revision this morning.

Gotta to work now - be back again later....

Cheers!
~Cleo

[Guest_Don_*]

Hi Cleo,

In first stanza I wonder if "frames" may be better than "photos?"

In last stanza I wonder if "we often talk" instead of "I oftern talk?"

All in all your work is very well done.

Don

[Nefertiti]

Hey Cleo!

Well, I'm ususally a critless idot and being WAY out of practice, I can't imagine any improvement.  I thought this piece fanstic and very cleverly woven.  I just don't understand what you mean by "that trust in conjured beastly hints"?  What's trust got to do with it?  (In a Tina turner imitation, of course.)  I'm sure it's obvious to most casual observes, but I'm an idiot lately, so s'plain it to me, wouldya Lucy?

Thanks!  
Big Dumb O'l Hugs,
ME!

[Cleo_Serapis]

Lori,
This was like an historical journey of sorts. Your use of the stairway and pictures on the wall give it a moving/traveling type of feeling.

Loved the phrase: tales in tints, very descriptive.

I am wondering if the following can also be written in the following manner:

long life conferred

suggestion:  life's lasting conferred

JLY

Hi John.

Thank you - I wanted the reader to feel as though they were taking a walk down history lane, as each portrait reveals something different, in a different time period.  

I too, like that phrase - a telling of things to come....  :cloud9:

Your suggestion would add an extra syllable to the meter - after consideration though, I have made a change as follows;

each war has ceased, long life conferred.

What do you think?  :privateeye:

Cheers!
~Cleo  :pharoah:

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Lori,

A very pleasant lilt to your stairway walk.

I liked the tension of "musket drawn" like it were a sword.

It is probably required by form, but stanza three sounds wierd with the same moon appearing twice.

I like the family history of photos and pictures closely related to the stairway upward climb.

Don

Hello Don.

Thank you for commenting.  :sun:

Yes, it is required to swap the 1st and last line so I've tweaked it slightly based on Martin and Liz's comments. TY!  :cheer:

I envisioned as you walk the stair, it would be a time machine of sorts based on the portraits of passed on family membesr.

Glad you stopped by and hope you are well.

~Cleo  :dove:

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hey Lori -- this is a very clever form. When I get my muse back I must try it.  

I love the way the 1st & 4th lines reverse. I think you have done an excelllent job here.

I also love 'tales in tints' -- a lovely description.


Snow  

Hi Snow.

How are you?  :sun:

Yes, you must try this - I'd love to see what your muse creates!  :cheer:  If you'd like some pointers, let me know, ok?  :block:

Once you've written L1 or L4, the rest isn't so hard. You just need to match the end-rhymes from there.  :cheer:

Snow!
~Cleo  :wolf:

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Lori

I enjoyed this very well written swap quatrain which took the reader on a trip viewing the narrator's ancestors in their photographs.  My only question is with verse three.

A blood red moon appeared and then
the staircase soon was swarmed by wren
who cast a spell on those revered
and then a blood red moon appeared.

what did you mean by wren?  The only wren I know are birds and that doesn't work for me.

Thanks for a trip into  your family photo album.

Nina

Hi Nina.

My initial thoughts were a bit creepy and surreal. As the person climbs the stairs, a blood red moon appears - then a swarm of wren (black birds) overtake the stairwell, casting on a spell which makes the portraits come to life.

After more thought (and based on the feedback), I've changed that stanza. Now it reads:

A blood red moon appeared again;
the staircase came to life with men
imparting spells of those revered:
again a blood red moon appeared

I've ditched the wren completely. :block: Now, the moon itself is the culprit and the people in the portraits are the focus. What do you think of the revision?

Thank you for taking the trip!
~Cleo  

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Lori,

I've never tried this form but I like it.  The repetition gives it a pleasant flow and ties things together so well!  For some reason I get that old world feel when reading this, maybe because you are going back in time with memories?

One suggestion:

A blood red moon appeared and then
the staircase soon was swarmed by wren
who cast a spell on those revered
and then a blood red moon appeared.

Could line 2 read ...

"the staircase soon beswarmed by wren"?

I don't know if that is a word or not but I kept wanting to read it
that way.  lol  Just a thought!

Anyhoo, I enjoyed reading this!

Cathy

Hello Cathy.

Now - you must try the SQ. I'd love to see what you write!  

Yes, the manner that I use to write them often gives an old world feel so I've been told. That is my goal with this form. Repetition with some rhyme and a splash of meter....

Thanks for your suggestion. Had I kept the 'wren' I might have used it. However, as it goes, I have edited that stanza entirely. No more wren.  :referee:

What do you think?

Best regards - glad you enjoyed!
~Cleo  :mm:  :mm:  :mm:

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Lori,

A soldier stands with musket drawn,
his pose reminds of times foregone
a slave to civil war commands…
with musket drawn, a soldier stands.

This picture is very clear in my mind, very vivid Lori.  :pharoah2

Thanks Grace! I think this is my favorite stanza.


A wedding clan bejeweled in gold
commemorates memoirs now told
divulging how my life began
bejeweled in gold, a wedding clan.

Rich ancestors eh Lori?  

Perhaps at one time in the past?

I often talk with olden ken
who hang upon the wall and when
I yearn to meet the spirit’s walk
with olden ken, I often talk.


I have all my photos collaged and framed on the stairs and always spend time looking at them all when going up or coming down. It is much nicer that having them hidden away in some forgotten old album!

Thank you for the very interesting read Lori. Swap quatrain requires discipline which you handle so well.  

Hi Grace.  

Swap quatrain has a definte sing-song lilt to it doesn't it? I have a couple of queries for you.

Yes, I think so if the poet emphasizes meter.  

I walked upon a dim-lit stair
to view the snapshots hanging there
and sought a legend, urban spawned,
a dim-lit stair I walked upon.

L3 confuses me a little as I couldn't quite work out if you have found the particular legend you were seeking?

An urban legend is in the belief of the person ascending the stair in this poem. An urban legend - to mean myth passed on. As you read into the next few stanzas, by the end of the poem, you should believe the legend, so yes, I would think that is the answer. Does it work for you?

The photos held their tales in tints
that trust in conjured beastly hints;
upon the wall, a people felled
their tales in tints, the photos held.

Must be me Lori, but I can't follow the logic of line two here?    

I've made a slight change to it 'horrid hints' now. It means that the message of what is being portrayed leaves one with a horrid feeling. The images are trusting that the viewer will feel sympathetic.

A blood red moon appeared and then
the staircase soon was swarmed by wren
who cast a spell on those revered
and then a blood red moon appeared.

wren?  

Yes - I've completely ditched the wren - see my response to Nina for all the goodies as to why.      

Descendants stirred within their frame
their words I heard, they did proclaim
the war is done, long life conferred
within their frame, descendants stirred.

Line three states 'the war is done' yet all these pictures are snapshots of different wars (muskets in one stanza, knights in another)  I don't understand the next stanza talking about a knight since there was no photography in days of old when when Knights were bold.

A Knight renowned with victor’s pride,
a reproduction hangs astride
a band of men, a sight profound
with victors pride, a knight renowned.

I've revised that line too - now it reads: each war has ceased (because the person in the portrait has died and the times have passed as well).  Long life conferred because here we are remembering them from the portraits on the wall.  I used the word 'reproduction' hoping that the reader would 'accept' it that it isn't a real photograph, but a painting hence the change in the beginning of the poem to 'portraits'. I hoped to fool ya there.

[b]We too keep many photos on the wall of our ancestors. How else might one pause in remembrance? I agree with you there.

It takes some time to write these SQ's, but I can't resist!

Thanks for your comments Grace.

~Cleo