|
|
|
LAPTOP CRAPTOP, Holiday villanelle |
|
|
|
Aug 4 10, 20:21
|
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,446
Joined: 16-October 06
From: UK
Member No.: 298
Real Name: Alan McAlpine Douglas
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori/Eisa/loads of old friends
|
LAPTOP CRAPTOP
Hunched over a laptop, on holiday flickering screen and its keyboard askew, I think I’ll have trouble having my say
But start optimistically, hooray; zinging out messages across the blue hunched over a laptop on holiday
Till caps lock locks on, I’m shouting away : fat fingers flicking tiny keys; damn you. I think I’ll have trouble having my say
When internet disconnects “Norm” they say, all brilliance is lost, stupidity too, hunched over a laptop on holiday
Damn touchpad is jumpy, goes its own way, scrambling my writing, now way out of true. I think I’ll have trouble having my say
To hell with this laptop, throw it away. Sun, sea and sand are way overdue, not hunched over a laptop, on holiday having no trouble not having my say
Alan McAlpine Douglas
······· ·······
|
|
|
|
|
Aug 5 10, 06:21
|
Ornate Oracle
Group: Centurion
Posts: 4,592
Joined: 31-October 03
From: New Jersey
Member No.: 39
Real Name: John
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Larry Carr
|
Alan,
Great use of the Villanelle form and you picked a universal theme we can all identify with.
I read this through and through and I offer an alternative
Hunched over a laptop, on holiday flickering screen, small keyboard all (?), I think I’ll have trouble having my say
Damn touchpad is jumpy, goes its own way, scrambling my writing, now way out of true. scrambling my writing, words all askew (words or letters could be askew on the screen)I think I’ll have trouble having my say
Just a few thoughts that I can muster with the aid of my morning coffee.
JLY
······· ·······
Give thanks for your new friends of today, but never forget the warm hugs of your yesterdays.
Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!MM Award Winner
|
|
|
|
|
Aug 5 10, 08:26
|
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,446
Joined: 16-October 06
From: UK
Member No.: 298
Real Name: Alan McAlpine Douglas
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori/Eisa/loads of old friends
|
Dear John,
Thanks for the visit. The 'b' rhyme is blue/true/askew, so 'all' would violate !
I have never used a laptop for more than seconds, all my prejudices are thoroughly confirmed.
Have you written Vs ? they are actually huge fun, and the repeat lines mean very little work to do !
Love Alan
······· ·······
|
|
|
|
|
Aug 5 10, 08:55
|
Mosaic Master
Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep
|
Hi Alan - nope - I still haven't tried to write a vanilla yet. Maybe some day! The part I got hung up on is this: fat fingers flicking too small keys, damn you. *Two suggestions - change that comma to either and endstop and 'Damn you!' or a semi colon... fat fingers flicking too small keys. Damn you! fat fingers flicking too small keys; Damn you! One other idea is purely for rhythmic sake: perhaps changing - 'too small keys' to 'minicule keys' to eliminate the choppiness/abruptness. There are other lines where commas are used that read a little choppy hat you may want to consider smoothing out down the road. Cheers ~Cleo
······· ·······
"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
|
|
|
|
|
Aug 5 10, 10:16
|
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 862
Joined: 25-June 04
From: Ohio, USA
Member No.: 70
Real Name: Susan Eckenrode
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Merlin
|
Hi Alan.. A totally relateable topic, well delivered in a difficult form. Nice work. enjoyed muchly, Sue
······· ·······
Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it. MM Award Winner
|
|
|
|
|
Aug 5 10, 10:44
|
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,446
Joined: 16-October 06
From: UK
Member No.: 298
Real Name: Alan McAlpine Douglas
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori/Eisa/loads of old friends
|
Dear Lori,
Thanks for the input, I have taken most of your advice. Minuscule is a syll to far, I've used 'tiny'. Also removed some commas, how is it now ?
Love Alan
······· ·······
|
|
|
|
|
Aug 5 10, 10:47
|
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,446
Joined: 16-October 06
From: UK
Member No.: 298
Real Name: Alan McAlpine Douglas
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori/Eisa/loads of old friends
|
Dear Sue,
You are very kind, but I dispute the 'difficult' comment.
Once you get the 2 repeating lines, and enter them is as the 6th, 12th and 18th lines, and the 9th, 15th and 19th for the 2nd one, all you have to do is invent 11 more lines in A and B rhymes, where Rhymezone is a godsend !
Love Alan
······· ·······
|
|
|
|
|
Aug 6 10, 09:44
|
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 532
Joined: 4-September 03
From: Northwest Coast
Member No.: 29
Writer of: Poetry
|
Hi Alan,
I like your contemporay villanelle. The topic is current and relevent. Some of meter give me bumps, but that might just be me. I'm quite rusty at poetry. L2 though, seems to need something. What about
flickering screen and a keyboard askew,
Take or Toss.
Also in L17, is 'not' suppose to be at the end of that line. It seems like 'overdue' should end the line.
That is all of my offering. It is good to read a villanelle again. Nice job.
my best,
Michelle
······· ·······
|
|
|
|
1 User(s) are reading this topic (1 Guests and 0 Anonymous Users)
0 Members:
|
|
Read our FLYERS - click below
Reference links provided to aid in fine-tuning
your writings. ENJOY!
|
|
|
|